no I'm not, Ive been awake all night with a migraine
whats wrong with me'?
i just cannot shill out I'm really not well, I'm constantly on edge, i need a break but i cant have one, its been non stop, i haven't had time to realize whats happened to me!
i keep telling Rik, i need someone to look after me for a bit!!! i certainly haven't been looked after, i need to be shown what to do, in life.
how to cope with things...
i don't know what to do!
i cannot chill out. i am trying and my sister Charlotte doesn't realize its easier said than done right now.
mollies teething isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be I'm sure, its just with me being the way i am right now...
I'm just so ill right now
I'm starting to be sick today too
it has to be anxiety/stress. nothing else to explain it all.
maria reckons its psychological- she used a specific term though.
i told Rik the doctor said it could be that though otherwise he'd give me more stress rather than actually taking into account that it could be that reason.
she said that psychological pain can feel just as bad as real pain, and I'm beginning to think it could be psychological, my way of getting into hospital and getting rest, that Rik's not letting me get....
:-Xi feel so sick.. I'm doing myself a mix of chamomile and peppermint n nettle tea. as i cant have ginger, that makes me feel worse off.
the stress Rik's family are causing though, as per usual.
ally is doing her damned best to grow up and act her age- which is 18 btw and her dad doesn't 'arf have a grip on her its awful to watch- i feel so protective over her now. bev just keeps making -pardon me but- making shit up, like, telling on ally for asking her granddad for a lift to swimming, which her dad had a reet go at Rik for!!! it had nothing to do with him!!
seriously...
as soon as ally and me and so on left in granddads car, bev was straight on the phone to tell on us. what a bleedin bitch I'm sorry.
she winds me up.
she doesn't look after Sophie and if ally says she has plans, as shes a single 18yr old, and because bev wants her to look after soph while she shags around or 'gets ready', bev makes shit up to her dad it winds me up and i know i shouldn't let it but it does inadvertently affect me, it breaks my heart to see ally cry because Friend has fallen out with her because she had to let them down because she had to look after Bev's child.
ally made me promise not to have a go at bev, you know why? because it would go back on her, bev would get worse...
my mum sent me a message on facebook the other day, saying she missed me. well its her own fault for being a drunk. Ive lived in this flat for over a year now and not once has she seen it. not once has she visited. not once has she seen the state of the flat her baby lives in.
i still have to run around after her, I'm the one who rings to she how she is, I'm the one who goes to see her... its not on.
i know at least i have some form of a relationship with her, but if its going to be like this i might just copy Susan properly and disown her.
it snot worth the grief.
i said to Rik last night after, we really really needed food in the house, as hes too bone idle to get it without me, i had to go with him, but anyway, there were no buses running to the 'big' tesco, so we asked Rik's dad, for a lift but he was too busy playing in his car. not actually doing anything, but just playing.
he couldn't give us a lift.
to and from a literal five minute drive for him.
but yet when f*ckin bev clicks her damn fingers!!!!!!!! its a different story. he risked losing his license taking bev to work once as his new car wasn't mot'd.
yet he wouldn't do this for us.
and he's also had a go at ally and Rik for asking ally to look after Mollie in an emergency while i was in hospital, yet he has no problem with ally looking after soph seven days a week while Bev's hungover or shagging about. grrrr.
erm ally offered to look after Mollie and she'd do anything to have to look after Sophie!!!!
ally looks up to me, she said the other day, she thinks of me as her sister in place of bev, she looks up to me! which is adorable but understandable, bev isn't the greatest of role models is she?
bev puts make up and nail varnish on Sophie, shes two years old for f*cks sake! and whilst ally is looking after her- its ally who gets the nasty looks and comments for it not bev, so she looks like the model mum!
i know i know its non of my business, well my sister says so anyway but when i care for people i don't like to see them treated badly let alone myself!!
i curse everything i really do! is this what real life is supposed to be like?
i dont know if i prefer being sheltered and molested or not. this sucks.