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Post by Scarlet on May 2, 2008 6:30:32 GMT
will respond to you on Monday hun, can't stop long....hubby and eldest back from their run any min now. Some more buckets of strength anc good vibes sent your way... xxx
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Post by tabbysmum on May 2, 2008 9:15:32 GMT
Hi Cokey,
Well at least the truth's finally emerged, you knew intuitively that things weren't right but as you said, he was happy to blame you. At least now you can work on putting things right, and as is usual, you're feelings will have to be put to one side whilst you concentrate on him. Hopefully you can get things back on track pretty quickly and then once again, start fighting for yourself. I'm assuming that he wouldn't be willing to discuss this with GP? If not it's all down to you I'm afraid, if he will take some of his medication at least it will help.
How are you doing today anyway, has it made your feelings/thoughts worse or is it distracting you?
TM x
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Post by cokey on May 2, 2008 14:10:07 GMT
HI TM/Ladies
Well I had a reasonable morning. Went shopping with my mum. I was more anxious than I have been but I am due on any day and with last nights revelations, its hardly surprising. My suicide (I still hate that word) phobia is diminishing a bit so thats good.
Paul and I worked until 1am (separately in different offices luckily) and today he is just vile. I could easily hate him right now for all his selfishness but it won't get me anywhere will it, so may as well be sweetness and light until he sorts himself out. He just was rude to my dad and other people are beginning to lose patience with him too because he is just so nasty right now.
Last time I had PNI he was generally very good but this time he helped for about 2 weeks, then stopped - I am guessing about the time he stopped taking the meds. I suppose he just didn't realise what he was doing and now its too late and again he doesnt realise how bad he is.
I daren't even speak to him now without him biting my head off.
I am som tired today from it all to be honest. Am going to do some tapping now because I can feel myself feeling sorry for myself again and thats no good at all.
Cokey xxx
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Post by tabbysmum on May 2, 2008 14:19:05 GMT
Hi Cokey, Feeling anger towards Paul could well be good for you right now, feeling a different emotion so strongly is not a bad thing when you're in the mind set that we are. Hate him with a passion, replace your scary thoughts with something else. I've tried convincing myself that Ed's having an affair just to give me something else to think about but it isn't working Have you still got a lot of work to do, any chance you can get to bed early tonight and catch up on some sleep (I know you have sleep issues like me!) I'm off to join you in Tapping cosmos now! Take care hun TM x
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Post by winegirl on May 2, 2008 17:04:45 GMT
Hi Cokey
I agree with TM, anger towards OH is prob not a bad emotion to have at the moment. Though I can see you are throughly gritting your teeth right now. Oddly at the moment I cant speak to my hubby without having my head bitten off either, so I know exactly where you are coming from.
Hope you have a more relaxing evening tonight! God knows how you manage to stay up will 1 am! I cant even see midnight on new years eve!!
WG xx
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Post by cokey on May 2, 2008 19:15:08 GMT
LOL WG I am afraid I often don't sleep til 3am - I think me and tabbysmum are nocturnal....
Not too bad tonite - sorry to hear your oh is snappy too WG - it doesn't make things any easier does it?
Cokey xxx
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Post by winegirl on May 3, 2008 8:11:49 GMT
3am??!! That would be me dead on my feet!! You and TM should start some sort of club - though I would feel a bit left out! LOL x
Hope you have a lovely bank holiday weekend hun x
WG xx
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Post by cokey on May 3, 2008 19:22:49 GMT
Really pleased today. I spent all afternoon alone with the kids with everyone I normally lean on (Paul, parents, sister) out of town. I was nervous about it but I did it and I was fine. So pleased.
Paul also seems a bit brighter tonight.
Tomorrow we go away to Alton Towers for the night with some friends and I am actually looking forward to it.
I wish you all a lovely bank holiday weekend and will log on Monday.
Tabbysmum - text me so I know how you are.
Cokey xxx
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Post by tabbysmum on May 3, 2008 20:30:23 GMT
Hi Cokey
So pleased you've had a good day and that things with Paul seem a bit calmer.
Wishing you have a fab time at Alton Towers.
Take care hun
TM x
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Post by cheshire on May 4, 2008 7:45:59 GMT
Cokey - hope you have a great time
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Post by winegirl on May 5, 2008 10:27:03 GMT
Hi Hun
How was Alton Towers?? Looks like the weather was ok for you anyway! Hope you had a lovely time xx
WG x
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Post by Scarlet on May 5, 2008 11:20:22 GMT
Cokey hun, How are you? Hope you are having a lovely Bank Holiday with your hubby. Let us know how Alton Towers was. It's been scorching weather over here, so no doubt you had good weather. I think it's understandable the way your hubbys been acting since he has decided to come off the ADs. I think it will take a few weeks for the effects to be out of his system. I was on meds for 5 months at the beginning, and they didn't agree with me, so I just stopped them...and I had side-effects for about a month afterwards. As for your worries and thoughts concerning your hubby, perhaps you could mention them to him, would that be possible? Being depressed himself, he might be a bit more understanding!!!? I think though from the sounds of it (correct me if I'm wrong) that he hasn't suffered clinical depression/anxiety like us (a bit like my SIL whose on 10mg citalopram), and so he can get back to a semblence of normality quicker than us...also he can take a back seat with the kids, and recover quicker than perhaps we did/are... Let us know how youa re when you get chance. Lovely gardening weather today xxxx
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Post by cokey on May 6, 2008 2:56:59 GMT
Hi Ladies
Hope you had a good weekend.
Mine was just weird and I was reminded just how fragile this illness makes you. Even if you think you are getting so much better, it doesn't take much to knock you off your perch again. Going away was so much harder than I imagined. I don;t know why, it was very pleasant but the thoughts went into overdrive.
I now have new thoughts all because of Paul's behaviour and I I suppose they are just a twist on the old ones he may hurt me and kids but now every little thing he does I analyse and get anxious about. I know its not normal of me. He is acting odd, cold and emotionally detached becauseof the withdrawal though. He has not asked me once in the past 2 weeks how I am and if I mention it he ignores me. So the first night my thoughts went into action and I could barely share a room with him. I did though and was okayish.
The next day at the park (yestrday) was better and because I was distracted I enjoyed it more but I am still analysing him too much/
Anyway we came home and something awful has happened. Our little boy has a lamb he takes verywhere and sleeps with and he has been with him since birth. Well we have left him. I never leave him but because my mind isn't focused and neither is Pauls we didnt check under the pillows where he must have been. We have rung the hotel but there isnt anyone from housekeeping there until tomorrow. Paul reacted so badly once again, went into a semi-rage and I felt he was blaming me again. I was crying and yet he still didnt try to console me. Now I am up in the night in panic we wont get lamb back. Its like losing a pet, I am so upset.
We spent all last night searching for a replica but it came from new zealand so we cant find one.
Please everyone cross your fingers for us, this lamb ,eans so much to us.
I hope you are all okay. How was your weekend TM?
Cokey xxx
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Post by Scarlet on May 6, 2008 7:17:53 GMT
Morning Cokey, Glad you had a good time, even if you did get a wee bit anxious at times. I remember my holiday last summer, I spent most days walking around feeling numb,...even contemplated walking into the sea. My emotions were up and down for the full 3 weeks. Five months after this hol I was 99% recovered. See what a few months can do?. You will be the same hun, but do talk to your hubby...it might be that he's putting on a mask just like we do.. Can you get him to open up about his feelings? I think perhaps he's too preoccupied with his own recovery that he finds it difficult to ask how you are, but I think it will help enormously if you two could help each other recover... As for analysing him, that's pretty normal for this illness. I am an analyser by nature, and I analyse still without the PNI... I have no fear whatsoever about analysing now though, and realise that it was my reaction to the analysing that created the fear and not the actual analysing itself. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, it's early and I have only had 1 cup of coffee so far. Sorry about the lamb. Hope you get it back hun. I would feel the same. I would get onto the hotel again today and enquire. Is it a long way to drive to go and pick it up. Hugs xxxx
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Post by tabbysmum on May 6, 2008 7:44:22 GMT
Hi Cokey,
So sorry about the lamb, you're being incredibly strong regarding Paul's behaviour though, it wasn't your fault, it was one of those things so well done for being so strong about it. Is it worth trying to talk to him again, reading between the lines I imagine you'd get your head bitten off but maybe worth a try, or even a letter might be better. Scarlet is right about the analysing, I too am an analyser by nature and finding it even worse now so that's normal for the way you're feeling. Well done for coping with weekend though, not easy somewhere like that when your nerves are shot to pieces.
Take care hun
TM x
P.S How is your little boy coping without his lamb?
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