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Post by Scarlet on Apr 30, 2008 7:02:14 GMT
Awww Cokey, I am so sorry that you had a bad night last night after your hubbys phonecall. I understand totally what you mean that you feel he's holding you back from becoming well, even to the extent of prolonging your illness. I have felt like this. I think he doesn't/can't fully understand what you are going through, same as my husband...they are not on the same wave-length. My husband just couldn't understand how I needed him at times to be there emotionally for me. I was so resentful in the beginning, that his life was carrying on as normal, whilst I was in turmoil, but I tried to tell him what I was feeling till I was blue in the face. When I actually realised I was alone with my illness when it all boiled down, and there was only me who could get rid of it, that's when I became stronger and I ended up not asking him or relying on him for anything or any support whatsoever, I became self-sufficient, and stronger. You can do this as well no doubt about that, although it's always nice to have support when we need it. We are here for you hun, don't forget that...and you will beat it, it's on the cards Hugs xxxx
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 30, 2008 7:49:46 GMT
Hi Cokey,
I'm so sorry it all went downhill for you, but as awful as it was you've come through it, you've spent an evening by yourself with no help, that is a massive achievement. I think Scarlet saying that her husbands life carried on as normal and she ended up feeling resentful probably applies to most of us. I don't know how I'd cope without the support of this forum and my family but I do know that last time I went through this, many years ago, I didn't tell a soul, people knew I had some sort of depressive illness because it was blatantly obvious but I never spoke about it to anyone and certainly never admitted the terrible thoughts I had about my son. Looking back now I feel as awful as it was at the time and far more intense, I do believe I recovered quicker so maybe there is something to be said for being strong and not relying on our other halves. But I do understand your blinding anger that despite his reassurances he has let you down again. You're strong, you'll get through this with or without his support - and you've always got us
TM x
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Post by winegirl on Apr 30, 2008 7:50:47 GMT
Hi Cokey
I am sorry for your bad night hun, and sorry I wasnt around - had crashed out quite early.
I think the fact that you knew your husband was in no state to support you would have made your thoughts much worse as you may have subconciously been pancing about it. But I am glad you calmed down a bit.
How are things this morning? How are you feeling? What time did hubby get in? I really hope you managed to get some sleep hun.
Will be back later to check and see how you are doing babes xx
WG x
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Post by cokey on Apr 30, 2008 11:20:33 GMT
Well sadly things last night went from bad to worse. When he finally came in he was so drunk and he stood in the doorway and said 'whats wrong with you?' then started laughing at me. So I told him he was making me ill, at which point (and this is very out of character for him) he blew his top and kicked toys across the room and started shoutingat me he was leaving. I totally freaked out (bearing in mind one of my thoughts is that he is going to become depressed and kill me and the kids) and had the worst panic attack ever, I couldn't breath, my body was shaking violently and I couldn't stop crying. So at 12.41am I had to call my mum. Bless her she came across (she lives a few doors up) in her nightwear in the rain. Paul just went to bed but I was petrified because Michael was in our bed and my thought triggered. He was so out of it, he diodn't know what he was going. Anyway my mum made me tea and sat with me until I calmed down. I then went to bed and cried until about 3am. Paul just slept. Basically this morning he has apologised and realises he is wrong but he also blames me (and he is right except I can't help it right now) for overreacting and riling him when he was in no fit state. I feel bad for my mum because she was at work at 6am but I have bought her some flowers and a voucher to buy the shoes she wanted. (Our local garage does vouchers for everywhere now, very handy if you can't face a supermarket). Today I feel like I am not on this planet. I am tired, tearful but not too anxious. The thoughts are there but not crippling me. Thanks so much for all your support ladies. Its such a lifeline and I know we are all in the same boat. You are right Scarlet, from now on I am doing this alone. Other than you guys Cokey xxx How r u all today?Hows the colds tm and wg?
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Post by winegirl on Apr 30, 2008 11:54:03 GMT
Hey Cokey]
So sorry hun. Really not what you needed!! You are lucky to have your Mum so close, she sounds like a star!
Have you spoken to OH this afternoon? The panics stink mate, I still get them from time to time and they never get easier to deal with, just less frequent! How you feeling this afternoon? Here for you babes and will be on and off all day.
Luv WG
p.s. Cold is crap mate, got some wierd painful mouth infection so off to docs in an hour.
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 30, 2008 13:12:18 GMT
Hi Cokey,
Oh bless you, and your mum, she comes through for you when it counts doesn't she. I know you probably are over reacting to things at the minute (as we all do) but it isn't fair on him to blame you when you know you're ill and he knows the nature of your thoughts, I think he's being very selfish. You're doing fantastic for coping with the thoughts, it's so hard not to react to them and ending up making yourself worse. Keep your chin up babe, you know where we all are.
TM x
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Post by cokey on Apr 30, 2008 13:13:37 GMT
Oh no WG - I had one of those when I was pregnant and had to suck pastilles for weeks lol
Let us know how it goes.
I am fine now - just v tired and in a dream state (think thats PMT and tiredness though) - hubby is very polite today.
C xxx
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 30, 2008 13:33:45 GMT
Cokey hun, Sorry things were pretty bad last night and you had to call your mum. I think a thread 'Moan about your man' is called for. I have plenty of moans about mine I can tell you I think there's no reasoning with a drunkard anyway and it's futile really, so next time he does it just ignore him until he's sober again, and then have a go at him (that's what I would do). Re: Your thought about your husband becoming depressed and killing you and the kids, I had a similar thought briefly when I was having bad thoughts, and also that my SIL who was taking citrolapram for anxiety herself, would come over and do sometihing irrational and harm my kids... But when you think about it, the chances are extremely rare hun, which you already know.... and even if he did supposedly become depressed/have anxiety like us, then it's very unlikely he would act upon his irrational thoughts...like us really, we are the safest people on the planet...remember I know it's extreme and I don't know if this thinking would work for you, but when I had thoughts like that I used to think, what is the worst that could happen. Ok so he kills me, at least I will be put out of my misery and not have to continue this crappy existence. I used to think like this when I boarded a plane as well...and it actually worked for me. But the chances of this happening are so remote hun, and when you put things into persepctive, it's more likely that you'll win the lottery Anytime you want to talk about any of your fears please do, I have heard them all...and thought them all Hugs xxxxxx
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Post by cokey on Apr 30, 2008 17:31:06 GMT
Hi everyone
Thanks for all your support. I guess men are men and between them all they couldn't make a decent woman.
Am moving forward with the positive thinking tomorrow and making strides to do this more on my own rather than leaning on people too much.
Hope you are all okay.
Cokey xxx
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Post by justme31 on May 1, 2008 7:17:27 GMT
Hi Cokey u aint alone in going through this hun we always here for u. Ya husband sounds like he aint bein helpful at the mo but thats men for u... i dont think they mean it i just dont think they can understand what its like to go through pni. My OH favourite sayin at the moment is "u need me more then i need u"... which doesnt help with the thoughts as one of mine is that he is gunna leave me and am gunna go mad and be unable tp take care of the kids. Like Scarlet says though i just think whats the worse that can happen if he does..... least i wont have some idiot mouthin away in my ear lol! Seriously though Cokey i knw its hard when u feel like ya Oh is not supportin u and it brings u down but u will get through it with or without his support... always remember that the way u feel is gunna go away. Take care and hope today is good for u Claire
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Post by Scarlet on May 1, 2008 14:19:27 GMT
Hi Cokey, a bucketload of positive vibes sent your way.
xxx
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Post by cokey on May 1, 2008 16:28:27 GMT
Hello ladies
I am having a good positive today (must have caught the vibes Scarlet). Nice to hear from you jm.
Went to see my counsellor this morning and she is so pleased with me - she did my HAD and GAD scores (anxiety and depression tests) and they have reduced significantly from 3 weeks ago.
I now have to go out for 45 mins minimum every day without company to get over my fear of doing things alone. I have to do that for 3 weeks. I will have to go when Paul is in from work and the only place I can go is the supermarkets which are open at that time, so I am going to be skint lol
The funny thing for the day was that because I am having a coil fitted, I had to have a chlamydia test. When I asked for the results at the GPs, the lady looked at the screen and said 'ah yes, the GP needs to give you these results!' and filled out a form. I had to then go back this afternoon (part of my 45 mins trek) to get them. During that time I had convinced myself I had it and so did Paul. NEVER suggest to a PNI sufferer you MAY have something medically wrong lol Anyway I didn't.
Feel really good today, happy. Not too anxious. Am putting some of it down to the tapping. Since I started doing it I have got better and better, much quicker than I expected. Still got the threat of PMT on the horizon but normally I would have had it by now.
Hope all you lovely ladies are okay.
Cokey xxx
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Post by cokey on May 1, 2008 19:57:28 GMT
Well tonight I had a revelation. For the past few weeks I have been thinking that all my marriage problems (we had been fine up until about 2 weeks ago) were because of my PNI. Paul has been really short-tempered, disinterested in homelife etc. I even spoke to my counsellor today about it to try and work out what I could do to help us.
Now I have just discovered that two weeks agao against GP advice, he just stopped taking his citalopram. I don't know if you remember but we went through something traumatic last year and Paul got really depressed. He went on citalopram 20mg and within a few weeks the depression which wasn't too deep rooted lifted and he has been fine since. Then in April our worries resolved themselves and Paul decided he no longer needed the meds and so went to see his GP. He prescribed him 10mg tablets to wean off on. Well Paul is so pig headed and thinks he knows best so he has just stopped taking them. A week ago I questioned him about taking them because he seemed so agitated all the time and he swore he was but I checked the packet and tonight he shouted at me again over nothing and I had the thought to check them again. The packet was untouched.
I have asked him and he says he just forgot but I know him better. I went mad at him because of all times to take a risk its not now. Anyway, I calmed myself down and knew it wouldnt help the situation for me to be cross and he has agreed to take half of one tonight and collect his 10mg tablets and take one every few days.
I so knew something was wrong but the easy answer was it was me. And he let me blame myself too.
Thats men for you though and hopefully his withdrawal symptoms should ease in a couple of weeks.
I guess I have to be there for him (yet again). I wonder when he will ever return the favour.
I am a bit relieved because tonight after he shouted I started to wonder if we had a future because he is so cold like this and just not a nice person.
Hopefully we can both get back to our true selves soon.
Cokey xx
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Post by cheshire on May 1, 2008 20:15:08 GMT
Been following your threads and sending you huge hugs x
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Post by cokey on May 1, 2008 21:16:53 GMT
Thanks Hopeful
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