Ann Marie's Diary

[annmarie]

It's been 2 weeks now since I was first diagnosed with PND, was prescribed Diazipam by the out of hours doctor and was referred to a Crisis team who then get me on to my anti depressants.
I actually thought that all my anxiety had gone, until this afternoon. I went to my in-laws with my two babies and husband, every thing was going brilliantly, ate tonnes. Kiddies were smashing, but by the afternoon my mood suddenly lowered, I felt very down. I had no thoughts about harming the babies or myself again but really couldn't perk myself up. I took half a diazapam and waited for it to kick in.
This feels like such a set back. I actually started fooling myself thinking I was making a full recovery.
The crisis team ended their contact with me today and passed me over to mental health, maybe that has made me panic? I don't know.
My ocd is improving, mainly because I really don't want my children growing up with issues or silly rituals like mine.
One minute I felt so strong, now I just feel like any minute I could feel low again.
I got told not to expect every day to be a good day, but when you are on such a high like I was you think ' That's it, I am normal again!' don't kid yr self .
I now know why they said it can take a while for you to fully recover.
I HATE this, I envy all those women that have no problems what so ever.
I need a break from my mind!

[littlelotty]

Hi Annmarie

I hope you don't mind me writing in your diary?

I totally understand what you are feeling. I have a good week or days and then all of a sudden I drop down for no reason and it comes out of the blue and knocks me for six. I too think that I was making a full recovery - it is the sign of recovery though and you have to try and think differently in that at the beginning you probably were having all down days and the odd good hour or day but now it is the odd down day and the majority time good times.

Writing a diary really helped me to see patterns and when I read it back to the start I was able to see how low I was and how far I have come.

Take Care

Littlelotty
xx

[sianyc]

Hi

The first few weeks on meds for me were like a relief. The GP had said that they wouldn't kick in properly for about 4-6 weeks and yet I felt like a weight had been lifted from the time I walked out of the surgery.

I had a run were I felt I was improving daily because more people were finding out how I really felt and something was being done about it.

The blips as I was getting better were awful. There's no point in fibbing to you about that. Every one of them knocked me for 6 because, like you have said, I thought I was getting better and they were a reminder that I wasn't there yet.

The anti d's kicked in, were increased after 6 months and for the mst part I was firmly on the road to recovery. The blips got fewer and far between so that when lo was about 18 months, they coincided with the few days before my period - monster PMT but at least I had a reason I could understand.

I hope you find it helpful to use this section and feel free to post on the other boards too if you need to. Everyone here knows how you feel and understands the frustration of it all x

[winegirl]

Hi Anne Marie

The hardest thing about the lows is that they always come after the highs. You get so used to being ok that when you have a bad day or week etc.. it seems almost ubearable.

It is just part of recovery. You will have the odd dodgy spell on and off but they will become fewer and far between.

How have things been today for you?

WG x

[annmarie]

It's great to have people who know where I am coming from it makes me feel relief in some way, if you know what I mean?
I was a bit unsure about writing this diary but it seems to perk me up and make me feel better at the the time I need it the most.
Took a diazipam this morning, only half, to be honest I think I took it as a precautionary measure, note to myself : must resist the temptation. It's too easy a way out.
I really had a fantastic day today, My mother - in- law took me out to town, something I get a bit too scared to do by myself at the moment. She spoiled me rotten.
This past week she has been a proper rock for me, even took the week off to be with me and offer her support. I don't honestly know what I would do without her. Makes me want to cry sometimes as I know I can rely and depend on her more than I can with my own mum, talk about issues!
My Hubby has been brilliant too, can't believe he has done the washing up every night lol.
I looked at my little girl today and realized ( it felt like for the first time) how much I actually love her. She is so clever and such a beautiful little girl, I feel ashamed of myself for not being able to give her my full love before now.
I feel down at the moment, it feels so bloody stupid, going from totally happy one minute to so low the next. But at least I know now that others experience the same.
it would be great to know an exact date and time for when I will make a full recovery, however I know it doesn't work like that.
Sometimes I feel so frustrated with myself, I hurt, it's not a physical pain, but a pain inside which frightens me because I can't control it .
might go to bed early tonight, got another busy day planned for tomorrow, going to take my babies to a soft play gym with my sister - in -law and my nephew.
Making sure I get a distraction every day so my mind doesn't have time to start ticking away. I think that why night times are worse, and why writing this diary makes me feel better.

[winegirl]

Hi Anne Marie

I hope you have a lovely time at the soft play area tomorrow. x You have done really well to get into town today! I couldnt have done that when i was ill escorted or not, so you are doing brilliantly!

Get yourself that early night babes and have a fab day tomorrow x

Take Care

WG xx

[annmarie]

Took no diazipam today, so proud of myself. Today has been a very busy day and it's been great!!
Went to the soft play area and watched my beautiful boy climb to the very top of the apparatus. I felt so proud as he waved at me with his cheeky little grin. How lucky am I to have two such perfect little babies, it's sad to think that I can't feel like this every day. One day I will and I can't wait.
My little girl is coming on great, really trying to get moving so she can catch up with her brother.
This weekend has started on such a big high, must keep positive so tomorrow will be the same. let's hope.
We're staying in tomorrow as me little one seems to be developing a bit of a cold, bit nervous about it as distraction seems to work for me pretty well, guess i'll have to get on and do the huge pile of ironing I have avoided doing for the past few weeks
Got my sister coming over on wednesday I am really looking forward to it, means I get to see my beautiful little neice. Praying to God I don't have any bad days whilst she is here, I would't want my baby sister to see me so weak and paranoid.
Anyway got to keep today in mind and how good it has been, many more days like this one to come, just don't want to think about the bad ones. X

[winegirl]

Hi Anne Marie

That is great babes! I am sooo please you have had such a good day. Soon days like this will completely outway the bad ones.

If you guys are staying in tomorrow i always find getting the paints out or doing jigsaws together etc is great bonding time for me and my LO.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

Take Care

WG x

[annmarie]

Thanks WG x
Didn't do the ironing today, think I might leave it till it get's fed up with me and irons itself! It's finding the motivation to do it really. Once the babies are in bed I just want to sit back and relax. Oh well, there's always tomorrow....
Today has been very nice, even though I was quite worried about it last night. Spent most of the day cleaning house and wiping my little boys nose, bless.
My AD's seem to be working well although mornings are quite blurrrr, can't get over how tired I am even after 9 1/2 hrs sleep. I have to take them at night, quite a high dose so they knock me out completely. Thats good really because before I started taking them it would take me over an hour to get to sleep, my mind just would'nt rest.
Might go into town tomorrow, don't know yet, will see how I feel tomorrow, and what the weather is like.
Hoping for another good day. Take care x

[winegirl]

Glad things are looking up for you hun! Stuff the ironing, sounds like you have done enough today!!

Hope you make it into town tomorrow, the weather is meant to be good first half of the week x

[littlelotty]

Hi Annmarie

Sounds like you have had a great couple of days which is so good. You have really pushed yourself and resisted the tablets which is good. Try and remember days like this when you have bad ones like me it is hard to see the good times when you are a bad day! Have a good time if you get into town today - it is sunny here so that is a nice change!!

Have a good day and take care

LittleLotty
xx

[larsbars]

Hi annmarie,

I haven't posted on your thread yet but wanted to say hi and that I think you are doing brilliantly. You sound so positive and that is an invaluable trait to have when trying to beat this illness. You also sound like you have a wonderful MIL and OH and that is also crucial. I have to admit that my MIL is a rock for me too. Although I don't go into great depths about my illness with her she is always on hand for anything I want and will always take the kids off of me is she is around although I don't really ask her as I feel I should do it all myself but then that is another issue! My mum works full time and lives about 3/4 of an hour away so don't really get any support from her which is not her fault but makes me a bit sad.

Anyway...I hope you have a lovely week this and I'll speak to you again soon.

x

[sianyc]

Hope you enjoy tomorrow with your little sis x

[littlelotty]

How are you doing Annmarie?

How you had a good time with your sister.

Take Care

LittleLotty
xx

[annmarie]

My sister has been here since wednesday and I have had a fantastic time since then.
However wednesday was quite a bad day for me as my OCD and anxiety took hold.
All day I ran round like a maniac overdoing all my house chores at an abnormally fast rate, found it really difficult to avoid doing my OCD rituals. In my head I kept thinking I don't want anybody, even my sister to think I am not coping. Which is silly because my sister really doesn,t care how clean my house is or what silly rituals I do, she's here to see me and the babies.
My Health Visitor came round on Thursday and she is fantastic, really boosts my confidence and makes me feel very proud of myself with regards to the babies. Sometimes I feel like I must be a terrible mum because of all these thoughts going through my head, but people like her and my OH give me reassurance that I am not.
I have been trying to figure out my triggers and I think I have found them, My menstrual cycle, people coming round to the house and my mum. The mum thing is a long story and an angry one so I don't really like talking about it. I can't tell her what I am going through but don't care because I have my mother in law.
Looking forward to the next few days with my baby sister, don't want her to go home. might keep her locked up here.lol. Don't think her husband would appreciate it though.
Thank you everyone for caring it's great to know I have this support network xx