Tabbysmum's diary

[tabbysmum]

Well today started off well and went downhill rapidly. I was fine this morning when hubby and lo were at home, but once they'd gone out this afternoon and I was on my own with no distractions the thoughts started - big time. I ended up shaking with that horrible plunging feeling in the pit of my stomach that you get when you're scared witless. Went to pick lo up from my cousins this afternoon and was there for a couple of hours, I'm usually distracted when I'm there as we have giggle but the thoughts just wouldn't leave me alone. I absolutely dreaded coming home and being on my own with her. Feel such a bad person, I know the thoughts are the OCD and they are just thoughts, but once again, they're scaring the life out of me. Hubby is at work tomorrow 5:30 until about 11 again so I know I'm going to be in a state then too. Just don't know what to do, a couple of days ago I was talking to my GP and she said I seemed much better and I agreed I was, now look at me. Do I go down the medication route, will that help with the thoughts, just feel so low.

[winegirl]

Hi Tabbysmum

All I will say on the medication front is this. I put it off for months, but only started to get better once i started taking them. I had tried everything else to no avail, and the first two weeks on the meds wre really hard, but it has been the one thing to help get me back to normal.

Think about it babes, hate to think of you suffering like this x

Always here if you need to talk xx

WG x

[tabbysmum]

Well didn't really have any sleep last night, maybe an hour at the most so hasn't given me the best start to the day. Got up feeling jittery and shaky but so far the thoughts aren't bothering me to the degree they did yesterday, everytime I get one I just say to myself "unimportant". Hubby came home from work half an hour early, don't think he wants to leave me on my own for too long, he's got to go out for an hour or 2 shortly but I'm ok with that, if necessary I can always go out myself. Not really got anything on today and think it will do me good to stay in the house and try to be normal - whatever that is.

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

I hope you afternoon goes ok babes x If necessary just nip out for a walk with LO for half an hour and then come back and chill. Will you get any opportunity to get your head down for a couple of hours this afternoon??

WG x

[cokey]

Hi Tabbysmum

The thoughts you get are the worst because they involve the very thing that you are trying to protect and also you feel bad for thinking them. That will make you down/jittery for a few days. If it didn't you wouldn't be human or suffer with OCD.

You could try meds. They are a solution and will help. I didn't suit them and as soon as I came off I was instantly better, so if you take them and can't cope with the side effects then your GP can change it or take you off. Most people get side effects but not as bad as I had but my counsellor said my GP should have tried me on another last time. If I got any worse I would take them.

You must be seeing your CBT person soon, why don't you ask for their opinion.

I think you are doing great. Its just hard for you, you husband working late. Next week may be altogether different.

Cokey xxx

[sianyc]

Thinking of you tabbysmum.

Have you looked into alternatives to meds like St Johns Wort etc?

[winegirl]

Did you manage to get any rest this afternoon babes??

WG x

[tabbysmum]

Hi Sianyc and WG,

My GP was talking to me about alternative meds but said if I was on the contraceptive pill I couldn't take St Johns Wort. I didn't get any rest this afternoon as my dh didn't get home until 3:30 so decided not to bother and just go to bed early tonight. I have honestly had the best day today that's I've had in 2 or 3 weeks, the thoughts just aren't bothering me, I hope this is a sign of things to come but I have to be realistic I suppose. Have just taken a Piriton tablet as they usually make me sleepy - I'm determined tonight that I will get some shut eye!

[winegirl]

Hope you sleep well tonight babes. Glad today hes been better for you, despite the tiredness! Well done x

Spk soon

WG xx

[tabbysmum]

Well, went to bed at 9 o'clock last night, was just dropping off when the phone rang and woke me, then half an hour later the lo started crying, hubby came up to sort her out, she was crying again within a few minutes and he came back up, but the third time she started he didn't and I ended up going in to sort her out, when he eventually dragged his arse upstairs he was in a right mood and so I just told him to clear off and leave her with me. By now she's wide awake, I took her into our bedroom and she was very playful and excited, hubby eventually came upstairs to help and I gave him a right lecture. I was so angry, he knew I'd had no sleep the night before and yet he was quite happy for me to disturbed yet again, so bloody selfish. Eventually he did manage to get her back to sleep and dropped off myself and had a decent nights sleep for a change - drug induced though! Today has been good, feeling ok again and nothing is bothering me (apart from my dh!) so I shall remain positive and believe this is the start of some form of recovery

[littlelotty]

Hi

I know what you mean about men! They all seem to be the same don't they. My hubby thought our LO slept through the night as soon as she was born!! He said he couldn't ever hear here so thank god I was around! It is the tiredness that is a killer and makes our moods so up and down so hang in there and try to get some sleep even if it is during the day!

Hope you have a good day.

Take Care

LittleLotty
xx

[winegirl]

Hi TM

Glad you had a decent nights sleep - eventually! Yesh my hubby has done that too knowing i am knackered, yest if it were the other way round we would soon know about it!!

GGreat that you day has gone so well, hope the week ahead is as god babes xx

WG x

[cokey]

Hi Tabbysmum

Men are all the same aren't they. I mean I tell my husband I have thoughts I am going to take my own life and he just shrugs his shoulders and leaves me to go to a football match 100 miles away! lol He knows its OCD but a bit of TLC and temporary sacrifice wouldn't go amiss.

My husband also never hears Evie. She is often up in the night and he hasn't even realised. I wish!!

Glad you are on the up tm xxx

[tabbysmum]

I've had quite a good day today, the thoughts have bothered me but I've done my best to disregard them. Had the lo at home with her snotty eyes and nose whilst trying to do my paid job at the same time - no easy feat! Hubby is racing on Sunday at Donnington Park (he races Lambretta scooters & sidecars competitively), it's probably about an hour and a half's drive from our house, I asked him if he could go on Sunday morning rather than Saturday night and he said no, it's too far, I pointed out if he went Saturday night I would have to go and stay with my mum, to which he replied, "well you can if you want" - aaarrrgghhh, I don't f*****g want, that's the point! Would it bloody kill him to have to get up a bit earlier on Sunday to enable me to stay at home? Will try and tackle him about it again in a day or two. Seeing my counsellor tomorrow morning so hopefully we'll start doing some work on my thoughts and how I can deal with them more effectively - fingers crossed

[cokey]

OH men are so alike. I have told my husband today he needs to pull his finger out and start sacrificing things until I am better. He also asked if he could stay overnight at a football match next week. I just said no . Like you I would have to arrange for someone to stay or go stay at my mums. Good luck with that. Men are so stubborn.

Good luck tomorrow with counsellor, let me know how it goes. It will be a good boost at a great time. You are doing so well you know, look at what you have achieved today.

Cokey xxx