J's Diary

[jh2008]

I hope no one minds me starting a diary on here as I am fairly new to this site and only posted a few times..I am hoping that writing everything down will offload how I am feeling and maybe help me make some sense of it all...

First, a bit of background. I am 26 with 2 kids- ds is 2 and dd is 7 months. My fiance is a brilliant support and we are due to get married next year. I am lucky, I know that, unfortuantley the feeling that I AM lucky but don't appreciate it at the moment makes my guilt even worse.

I have a bit of a history of depression and anxiety, it seems to run in the females of my family. I have suffered since I was 16 and lost my dad. I think many things have spiraled since then really. My first pg was difficult and my labour and birth a complete nightmare. My recovery was hard both mentally and physically and my ds was ill as a baby. The pnd hit me the first time when he was around 5 months old...it had been building for ages. I didn't want to go on anti d's, I had counselling and was diagnosed with ptsd as well as pnd. I don't think I ever really recovered, I just hid it all with my brave face. I tend to do a comedy routine to hide my feelings...I manage to fool most with it.
When I was getting better I got pg again and it wasn't planned. Admittly I wasn't thrilled and the guilt from feeling that way about my pg has stuck with me I think. I had my dd after another difficult pg but a much better birth. Stupidly I thought I wouldn't get pnd this time as the birth was better...I was wrong, it's much worse this time around. I personally believe I have two lots of pnd on top of each other.

I know I had pnd again when my dd was around 8 weeks old and it began with the odd thoughts...i'd never suffered with them before, but guessed they were'nt right. After admitting to my df I wasn't coping too well I went to the gp and was pescribed citalopram...everything seemed to calm down a bit...or so I thought. In hinesight everything was still building up but I was blaming different things. I thought my extreme anger was just because my dd was a 'difficult' baby and my feelings were just sleep deprivation. I thought I was stressed, but weirdly enough I came to the conclusion I didn't need the anti d's. Stupidly I just stopped taking them...cold turkey...and thats when it all fell apart.

My depression, anxiety, fear, weird thoughts, exhaustion everything all went through the roof, seemingly overnight. I literally woke up one morning and couldn't talk without sobbing. That day I tried to go to the local shop and only got part way down the road before I started having a huge panick attack where I could see things out of the corner of my eyes. I started sobbing in the middle of the road and had to be helped by a random bloke who happened to be getting out of his car at the roadside. It was terrifying and since then I have been suffering anxiety to varying degrees everytime I have left the house...especially where there are lots of people.
I am back on citalopram but only 20 mg to start with...I don't feel its doing much to be honest. I seem to have suffered more side effects and nothing positive. I am hoping to go back to the gp this week but I do feel their understanding is limited. I feel very up and down at the moment..some days I'm fine, better than fine actually, I feel quite ellated. When I have these 'good' days I can't imagine the bad. Sometimes I have a few in a row and think I'm getting better...then the bad hits. I become obssesed with everything bad...I imagine falling down the stairs when carrying my kids, accidentally stabbing myself with knives, being run over, burgled...you name it. I have panick attacks, feel very anxious and have no energy what so ever yet can't sleep. I can't be bothered to do anything. I can normally tell pretty early on what kind of day its going to be...if its bad I don't want to even get up. Very hard with 2 under 2.
I have become obsessed with my weight too...I have always been a big girl- now with the baby weight I am around a size 16/18 on a good day. Its never bothered me that much before...or maybe it has on a subconcious level. But now I can't stop thinking about how fat I am and am constantly looking for people who are also big to make me feel better. I'm convinced people are discussing me, especially about my weight. It's weird, with all that said, sometimes I just feel like myself again...I want that back, all the time.

Anyway, this is meant to be a diary so maybe I should bring it back to the present...

Today has been ok...yesterday was very ropey! I went shopping and kept my feelings of anxiety under wraps by concentrating really hard on the task in hand. I ended up with pins and needles down my arms. Then I tried to go to a cash point which was out of order. I could see another one over the road but to get to it I had to walk under a short subway...I thought I could do it. Got under there and panicked...panicked even worse on the way back as I could here kids shouting as they walked through. I convinced myself I was going to be mugged. Got home and burst into tears.

Today has been ok, df was off work in the morning...which helps a lot...I have had some moments of anxiety but not of outiright panick like yesterday. I had very little energy in the afternoon but ttried to make as much effort as I could to be an entertaining mummy for the kids.

I should be in bed now...I moan I don't get any sleep then I sit up for ages on here...

xxxx

[cheshire]

Welcome to the diary section J - do you mind us posting replies here?

Hopefulx

[jh2008]

Not at all Hopeful, post away! xx

[Scarlet]

Hi J,

Hope starting a diary on here helps you hun.

Glad to hear that your hubby is supportive, are you able to talk to him about your thoughts/feelings.

You mentioned that you had counselling in the past, but it didn't eliminate your anxiety/depression totally. Then you had another baby soon afterwards and it escalated again. Have you been recommended for any therapy now, perhaps you would benefit from CBT.

Let us know how you get on with the doc. Perhaps he will up your Ads, but I agree that docs aren't that clued up about anxiety/depression and how it affects us.

Take care hun and keep talking to us.

xxxxx

[jh2008]

Today has been a bit of an odd one so far...

After I wrote my first entry in this diary lastnight I went to bed and despite being shattered I couldn't sleep- my mind felt way too busy. I think I was only dozing about half an hour before dd woke me..I gave her some milk and then luckily she went back to sleep. She woke another time too but I was so deep in sleep I barely remember it.I know I managed to settle her in my zombie like state! I couldn't wake at 7.30 when we are meant to get up...I felt like my eyes were glued together.

Today is my first full day on my own with the kids whislt df is at work for ages. He's had lots of time off and his work have been great. I work for the same company two days a week but am on maternity leave still. I was actually meant to be back this week but have extended my leave due to the pnd. They have contacted me today to tell me I am entitled to 6 free bupa counselling sessions through my company. I am going to take them...can't make things any worse.

The other problem I've had this morning sounds stupid but has done nothing for my negative thoughts and irrational fears! We have water dripping through our ceiling. It apperently happening to the people who lived here before and the ceiling ended up coming down! I have rang the landlord and will hopefully get it sorted but my mind has gone into over drive...have rang df in a panick quite a few times. My landlord rang and reassured me...it's hard to tell wether mine is a normal reaction...it's like I've forgotten what one of those is.

The weather is nice but I am almost glad I might have to wait in for someone to come about the kitchen. It means I can stay in without feeling too guilty that my kids should be out enjoying the fresh air.

I hope the rest of the day passes without hitch...and I promise myself an early night tonight!!!

xxxx

[jh2008]

Hopeful,

Thanks for your reply, our posts crossed!
It's really great that I have found this site...I'd say it's certainly helping...

I will make sure I keep writing!

Thanks again,

xxx

[Scarlet]

J, did you ever check out this site. I think if you work on finding a technique that works for you to eliminate them, then your anxiety/depression will ease. My PNI was fuelled by these thoughts, and following some of the techniques actually worked for me. I no longer have them.

This site gives some good practical tips free. Best site I've found.

www.panic-and-anxiety-attacks.com/distrubing_thoughts.html

www.panic-and-anxiety-attacks.com/intrusive-thoughts.html

[jh2008]

I think I might have actually achieved a positive small step lastnight! I went shopping and was ok...I felt fairly normal. Which hasn't happened to me for weeks. It sounds so weird saying that...a trip to the shops is an 'achievement'! I also had the early night I promised myself and slept so deeply...I have epic dreams that seem to go forever...I'm lucky because there not bad or nightmares...they're just very very detailed and a bit odd. I often dream of fair grounds that are closing or empty...perhaps that means something, I don't know. Waking up to tend to dd is all a bit blurry but I know I must have done it! Its taking me hours to wake up in the mornings! Also, my teeth and jaw aches...I think another charming side effect of my tablets is to grind my teeth a lot.

Although I don't feel too bad today I don't want to go out...I have no energy and the idea of going anywhere just makes me feel tireder. The kids were very nosiy and hard work yesterday afternoon...I hate to admit its because there probably bored. I should have been going back to work tomorrow if I hadn't extended my leave... the kids are still going to my aunts for the day though, like they would if I was back. That was the idea, they still go and I get a few days to myself a week...to rest and just generally be nice to myself a bit. I am looking forward to it, although I have to go to the doctors, which is never fun.

I am meant to be going out with my 3 close girlfriends tonight...they are making an effort bless them and trying to make our meet ups a weekly event. They thing helping me remember 'myself' and what's it like to 'be me' and not just a mummy or someone plagued with PND. Perhaps they have a point, although I do worry about going out. They know that, so we are meeting at my house first, we can just stop here if I don't feel like going anywhere. I saw them for the first time lst week since things had gotten really bad...I tried to explain how I had been feeling but ended up crying..then after that just chatting with them about normal stuff helped a lot. I am hoping for the same tonight.

xxxx

[winegirl]

Hi J

I never ever wanted to go out of the front door with the anxiety, but these days I am bursting to get out and about! If you had told me I would be like this a year ago I wouldn't have believed it!

I too had the panics in public and was terrified. But you have done brilliantly today with the shopping. I remember the first time I went into town and felt `normal' it was such a huge acheivement for me.

Well done you, I hoipe this is a sign of things to come x I hope you have a lovely evening with your friends tonight too.

Take Care
WG x

[jh2008]

I've haven't been writing on here as much because I have actually been busy and things have actually been good...until today when I feel rubbish again and I am disappointed!!
I went out with my friends last week and it was good, we had a lengthy chat and it was good to offload on someone other than poor df. I was on abit of a high thursday and had a day of rest which was great...my aunt took the kids and I spent all day pampering myself, it was really nice to just enjoy the peace and quiet. I had planned to go to the doctors but I actually decided not to go..why rock the boat when I felt good? I just wanted to enjoy the peace of mind of feeling half way normal. Things weren't completely better, but I just felt more able to cope. I went out a few times over the weekend, we took the kids over to my mums and I went for lunch with my aunt and the kids...all things I couldn't have done a month previous.
The highlight was going wedding dress shopping on saturday...I had been dreading it as had become so obsessed with weight and my body...I thought it was asking for trouble...but it was great, such a boast and I felt brilliant. It was such a relief to feel that way.

However, I did feel a bit on the edge...like almost as if I knew it was a false high...like I was almost 'borrowing' feeling good and normal. Today has been a big come down, I feel fuzzy and tired and panicky. Although I can see that I am better than I was, I know i still have a long way to come. The ups and downs are extreme.

I have another worry today which I have told no one. One thing I have noticed since my PND is that I am obsessed with pregnancy and accidentally becoming pregnant. I would be devastated but I have constant pregnancy envy at the same time...its so odd. I would never want another baby and I am also thinking could I be pregnant...no matter what contraception we use I always have that worry in the back of my head. I have long cycles and everytime I think I'm pregnant and I tell my df, he just humours me now I do it so often!! Well today I have realised I'm on cycle day 31 and I am scared all over again...its like a black cloud hanging over me but I can't cope with doing a test. I know I am probably not pregnant but my logical brain cannot process that it seems. The way I feel today is such a contrast to before.

xxx

[winegirl]

Hi J

I found that as I started to get better if I had some great highs they were normally followed by lows with the anxiety and stuff biting me. I think lots of other ladies have found this also, but it does get better gradually!

I too have long cycles and used to panic every time I got into 30 + days, but it was always just my body being mad. As long as you are using contraception properly it should all be fine, but I understand taht it can still be a worry.

Perhaps your anxiety is back at the moment as you may be on run up to period? It always comes and gets me in the days leading up to my period and I know it is the same for many so this could be an option?

Sorry if I have not been much help, just wanted to sympathise really and let you know that we are here for you x

Take Care

WG xx

[rachelk]

Hi J,
What an interesting diary. You sound so full of life, even though you are having a rough time. It must be so hard with 2 kids so young, and like you said, it's like having 2 lots of PND on top of each other!

You sound to be making positive steps. When you do well and then have a bad day, don't beat yourself up. It's like people in rehabilitation always say that just because you take drugs/have a drink, it doesn't mean you failed, you are still - overall - making steps towards recovery.

Have another look at the dose of ADs. When I first started with depression (when my second was about 12 weeks), my GP put me on a really low dose (25mg dosulepin). He said it would take the edge off and help me sleep - when in actual fact I needed serious help. as it was just before xmas with that stress and no GP open, I went into a proper decline and spent most of xmas having huge panic attacks, contemplating either running away or taking my own life. I am not proud of the thoughts I had. But I had this massive unexplainable desire/urge to just dissapear - not because I didn't love my family, but because I thought they would honestly be better off without me.

So, on Dec 30th when my OH and 2 sons were at a family xmas do that I couldn't face. I sat upstairs thinking what I was going to do - leave, kill myself or what! Then I decided to google PND and I found this site. I sat with tears streaming down my face as I read all these stories of peopl 'like me'. It was like a miracle (that sounds a bit profound but true!!).

Anyway, with the help this site has given me, I can honestly say that I am 99% better. It is the best thing ever.

You look after yourself and keep taking those small steps. When you are stressed or have those thoughts, try and come onto the website and let it all out.

Big hug

rachel
x

[jh2008]

Rachel, Thanks so much for your comments and sharing your story its great to know that you are so much better now..long may it continue for you hun.

I haven't written for ages...and it has been pretty much of the same- up and down up and down. Sometimes I like to have a little bit of a bury my head in the sand time and not come on here because its a reminder that I needed to in the first place...does that make any sense?

Anyway I am now on 30 mg of citalopram which will be eventually uped to 40mg. I only started the new dousage a few days ago and have had a few side effects but nothing like taking the drug for the first time. I have been feeling a bit dizzy and sweaty, but that could also be cus its about 100 degrees at the moment! I have also been getting the epic dreams...I had one lastnight so long and detailed that I was exhausted when I woke up. There not nightmares...which is something, but they are so in depth!
I have also been seeing my hv once a week...I really trust her, she is fab. She practicually saved my sons life when he was 6 weeks old and had an undiagnosed condition which caused him to throw up every feed due to a blockage in his stomach. I knew something was wrong and went to 6 gps- none of which listened to me. She was the one who fought to get him seen and it turned out he was seriously dehydrated and wouldn't have survived much longer...since then she has got to know me and my family so its great to have her around. I chewed her ear off last week when she came, it helped but I felt exhausted afterwards.

I have also started my counselling too...the lady I am seeing is very nice and I think she understands very well. She seems to think a lot of my feelings have been brought on by not properly grieving for my dad who died 10 years ago suddenly and the trauma of my sons birth and afterwards. She thinks all this, along with 2 lots of PND have caused how I feel now. Again after the session I felt pretty numb...it wasn't until I got home I walked through the door and burst into tears. Theres part of me that doesn't want to go back because its hard...I want to run away from how I feel becuase its easier. However I know this is what I have always done and thats probably a large contributer to my depression. I know I am doing the right thing in going.

I am not pregnant by the way either! I was very relieved when my period came. I told my hv how I feel about pregnancy and fearing it yet wanting it all at the same time. She said with everything that happened she thinks thats actually a fairly logical way to feel.

I have been doing lots of wedding planning and found a dress which is gorgeous. I have found going out much less of a worry..I still get panick attacks but they seem to be less associated with leaving the house.
I still get the 'impending doom' feeling an awful lot though.

I have been trying to make more plans and get out of the house more and one positive thing thats come out of all this is I am making an effort to socialise more and am seeing my friends quite often. That's been nice and helped a lot.

Am just hoping to become less up and down!

xxxx

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

Sounds like you have done really well to get a great HV and counsellor! With that sort of support you should have no probs with kicking the PNI up the butt soon!

The meds make me sweaty too, gross isn't it? I am really bad for doing it in bed at night, but figure it is a small price to pay to feel so much better!

I hope the wedding plans continue to go well and your days are filled with many more ups!!

Take Care

WG x

[jh2008]

Just as I posted quite a positive entry the other day everything is now on a downer again. I don't know whether it is side effects from uping my tablets? I don't know if thats even possible but I have been feeling really bad. It starting with anxiety yesterday...all of a sudden my heart was hammering and I couldn't breathe, I then came over very tired and managed to put the kids to bed before their naps before I crawled to the setee and slept until they woke up. I am really lucky that they managed to sleep at the same time! I then felt rough all day, my stomach felt like it was churning and I kept having this weird feeling, like you get when your on a rollercoaster or suddenly go over a hill and your stomach goes. I tried to go out and just felt like I was going to pass out. I felt better in the evening and still feel rough today again. It makes me feel low, maybe because its another down after an 'up'.
The kids have gone to my aunts today so I am having a rest. I've ended up cancelling my counselling session because I can't face it, which I know is stupid. I just want a nice quiet day