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Post by winegirl on Jun 12, 2008 14:44:08 GMT
Hi J
Sorry its a quickie - I am at work. Just wanted to say that what you have described sounds exactly like effects from upping your meds - it happens to me every time I up my dose!!
Hope you get a nice relaxing day hun xx
WG x
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Post by jh2008 on Jun 18, 2008 14:20:43 GMT
I seem to be down at the bottom again...and I do think it's to do with upping my tablets. Things were going ok and then I noticed the extreme tidness again and yesterday I felt awful..headachey and just so exhausted, I ended up calling df out of work so he could come home and rescue me! I feel like such a crappy mother at the moment, I am meant to be having fun with my gorgeous kids and I just don't have the energy, I feel like I am still muddling through each day. I just about have enough energy to do the things I have to do, but I have none spare. I cannot motivate myself at all, when others are around its easier but I just feel like my kids deserve a mummy who does fun stuff with them. They are surrounded by people who love them but we don't have any kids in our family and they don't mix with many kids- my little boy loves other children but I can't face toddler group at the moment, I also cannot face the bus ride there with my huge double buggy and I am racked with guilt, I think about it everyday yet I still can't do it.
I'm so sick of the constant ups and downs and I am sick of feeling rough, guilty and down...I feel like it doesn't take much to bring me up but even less to bring me down. My little boy is so funny and cute and I worry that he is unhappy here with me in the daytimes in case its boring for him, I would hate to think that how I'm feeling upsets him in such a way. He was putting his arms around me yesterday when I was feeling unwell and stroking my hair bless him.
My df and I had our first cross words due to how I am feeling this morning too...I am finding its taking me hours to wake up in the morning, obviously as I am up in the night that makes it worse. Anyway this morning he was in a rush and he was trying to ask me where something was and I just couldn't think, sometimes I can't function properly, or so it seems. I kept thinking how I had the whole day ahead of me alone with the kids and how I just wanted to rest. He said I was being 'arsey'! True, but not the best thing to say!! He phoned and apologised later and everything is fine but I couldn't help getting this little worry that maybe he is getting as fed up with this whole thing as I am.
I have counselling tomorrow which seems to be more of a pain than I help for the simple fact I have no transport..its half an hour away by car and I am border line agraphobic!! I am hoping to get a lift tomorrow and then sort out with her how we can get around it...
xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Jun 18, 2008 19:54:54 GMT
Hi J
You sound exactly like I was. Constantly feeling rough, unable to wake up in the morning... However it was when i was feeling like this oddly that i was on the start of recovery. Its a horribly tough time and so draining feeling constantly ill and tored, but I promise it does get better.
I too struggled initially with my mental health appointments, I struggled to get out of the front door most days, so making it to these appointments were sooo hard. But again, they got easier. Nowadays i never feel rough, rarely feel tired, and get out and about pretty much anywhere.
I promise it does get better, just hang in there and know that we are here for you xx
Take Care
WG x
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Post by sianyc on Jun 19, 2008 8:55:56 GMT
There will be a time when you feel up to doing fun stuff with the kids - honestly. For now, as long as they're happy enough, fed and clean, that's good enough! Try to do the fun stuff when oh is home as well so you're not coping with them alone
It's not that long ago that I had to rely heavily on disney dvd's to get me through the day with the kids and now I quite happily take them to the park for hours on my own, out for food on my own etc. The thought of doing that was too scary for me to contemplate for most of the time I had PNI.
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Post by jh2008 on Jun 22, 2008 15:05:42 GMT
Thanks Ladies, It is nice to know that I am not alone in how I have been feeling.
I did manage to go to my counsellors on Thursday and I am really glad I did as it was fairly uplifting. I told her how I had been feeling, the guilt and everything I worry about with the kids and she did manage to turn a lot of my negatives into positives. She said my kids sound happy and well rounded and have lots of love, which is whats improtant. I know shes right. She said that I am not well and am far too hard on myself, if my kids do have to watch a bit more tv than normal whilst I rest a bit, so what? I told her I was worried my kids have more fun at others houses than with me and she said they are sociable- which is great, I told her I was worried my 2 year old cuddles me when I feel crap and I don't want to feel he is looking after me, she said he is clearly a sensitive loving little boy and that's a good thing. She told me to set myself small achievable goals and try and think of the positive things I do everyday instead of beating myself up further. I suppose she is right, adding guilt to everything else isn't really helpful!
Unfortunatly I am still feeling phsyically awful. I am pleased my df is off work this week coming so the pressures off I bit. I am looking forward to going out as a family and hopefully breaking the cycle so I will be more able to go out on my own with the kids the week after. However, I just feel so rubbish. Lastnight, after a fairly relaxing family day, I had the worst panic attack I have had in a long time for no reason what so ever. I was putting dd to bed and I had to go and lie down whilst the waves of panic were just continous for what felt like ages. Then I was up a lot in the night as dd is suffering with her teeth so I was knackered in the morning. I went back to bed for a while whilst df played with the kids and had absolutely shocking nightmares- really horrible. All about dark and dingy hospital wards with weird thin pale ill people all over the place. A male patient tried to strangle me and both my mum and I were waiting for test results to see if we had cancer. They were sending people into little rooms depending on whether they had it or not. It was utterly terrifying. Now I just feel worn out and very down. I was meant to be going to do some wedding shopping today- which might have helped a bit but my bridesmaids let me down, which hasn't helped. Perhaps its for the best- as I feel so rough and achey. I keep thinking maybe I'm getting the flu but nothing happens.
I am hoping for a nice week as we have lots planned, I just need the anxiety to stop- surely it should be getting better by now and it still can't be the effects of upping the tablets? I just don't know anymore and am starting to feel these meds are not doing a whole lot..
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Jun 22, 2008 15:14:55 GMT
Hi J
Stick with the meds a bit longer before thinkong about changing them hun. They can take along time before you start to see the benefits. For me the anxiety only eased off very slowly so I hardly noticed. Then one day I realised how much more I had been doing and how I hadnt had a panic in ages! I stil get the bad days, but they are few and far between
I also felt physically ill. Like you say, it almost felt like the flu sometimes. But I promise, it does get better. You just have to hang in there.
We are here for you anytime hun xx
WG x
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Post by jh2008 on Jun 27, 2008 21:40:15 GMT
Well, it turns out I actually was coming down with something...which is a bit of a relief! I am full of cold and feel pretty rubbish, my c-section scar has also gone a bit funny, it's the skin around it actually and it sometimes happens when I'm run down. It's quite sore, but better than it was. Obviously it's meant we couldn't do a lot of the things we had planned for df's week off, but we did go shopping and the kids have had lots of outings and fresh air, which is great and makes me feel a lot better. It's been nice to spend more time together as a family and I have enjoyed being able to rest, especially with not being well. I have, however come to the conclusion that I think my tablets are making me feel a bit removed from myself and emtionless, I sometimes feel numb and others I feel the opposite...too sensitive like my nerves are practicually jangling! Like tonight, it sounds ridiculous but I was watching big brother and there was a huge fight on it. Nothing new there, but I found myself getting angry and a bit tearful about it. I felt like it was painful to watch but I have no idea why. I used to love watching a bit of trouble on big bro!! I was texting my mum and saying it upset me and she rightly pointed out that theres always conflict on bb and there will be again...don't know why it bothers me so much! Yet, if I imagine anything happening in real life I just feel numb and like I want to shut down. Also, df is out tonight. He is so fabulous and I can't fault him, hes been wonderful, so supportive and understanding. He doesn't go out much because it isn't really him. He likes to go to the pub and he does like drinking...problem is that sometimes he gets carried away and doesn't know when to stop drinking when hes out. He hasn't been out in ages, but tonight hes gone to the cricket with a few mates from work. He rang and asked if it was ok if he went for a few drinks afterwards. He sounded pretty 'merry'. I wanted him to go because hes been so great and doesn't often get chance to let his hair down, also I am meant to be out next weekend, however I am now secretly worrying...I worry about him and that something will happen. I also worry hes going to be really drunk and get on my nerves!! It's silly isn't it? Before I wouldn't have thought twice about these things. I don't like being in the house on my own either. I feel like I can't go to bed, don't know why. I don't know whether I should go back to the doctors and talk about my medication, I don't feel it is doing me more good than bad...sometimes I wonder if its working at all... Anyway enough rambling...going to watch some happy tv!! xxx
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Post by winegirl on Jun 28, 2008 8:32:15 GMT
Hi J
How did you get on last night while your OH was out? Did you find any happy TV to watch?
I have wondered since being on the meds why I cant cry. I had a bit of an accident for example the other day and made a bit of a mess of my foot - the pain was excrutiating but I just could not cry! Its like you say, its as though you feel emotionally numb.
If you are thinking the meds aren't doing it for you then you should go back to your GP and tell them. They might decide to up your dose or maybe try you with something else. I had a trial of another med before being on cipralex, which is what I am on now. The first lot just weren't for me.
How you doing today? You got much planned for the weekend??
WG xx
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Post by cokey on Jun 28, 2008 9:37:05 GMT
Hi J
I am just the same when my husband goes out. He is a good man but he likes the pub and a drink and he doesn't know when to stop.
I hate it now when he goes out because for me I feel if he comes back drunk he is of no support to me and what if I need him in the night?
I agree with WG. I had citalopram when I had PNI the first time and it didn't suit me (I had hallucinations, nice ones but nevertheless...) and so they just stopped it and gave me counselling. I am doing it without this time, with counselling and my therapist says they should have tried me on another type last time. Whatever you decide, you will get through this with or without. I did it without but ladies stick with the meds and do well too.
Hope your got on okay last night. No matter how hard these times are we always get through them somehow.
Cokey xxx
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Post by jh2008 on Jul 1, 2008 11:10:13 GMT
Just wanted to say thanks Ladies for responding...it is such a comfort to know that I am not alone with the feelings that I have, I really like reading your responses too, it makes writing this diary really worth it, especialy when its really needed- like today.
The other night was fine in the end, I watched my comfort tv (sex and the city) and to my suprise df came in at 11.30! He was merry but not too drunk and said how much he'd missed me...it was fine. I know what you mean though about wishing partners didn't go out in case you need them, thats exactly how I feel, but then I don't want to say that to him because I don't know how long I am going to feel like this for, and that's along time not to go to the pub for him!!
Anyway, back to today...why is it with PND everytime something happens it just feels like a kick when your down? I just feel like everything we plan to do turns into a saga, nothing is ever simple and I think thats partly why I have ended up with PND, it's like I crave this simple drama free life that never happens. Our lastest drama to do with money, or rather lack of it. We earn a good wage, but we have debt and cannot get a mortgage hence renting since we have been together. We are lucky at the moment as we rent off someone we know and she says we can treat the house as ours. She lives in another country and the house is purely a nestegg for when her young children are older. We have her word that we won't have to leave the property. But, it isn't in a very nice area and it needs a lot of work. In fact it isn't a very nice house at all. Structurely its awful and the kitchen is so tiny we can't even fit a freezer in it as well as a fridge and washing machine. She does what she can, but she hasn't seen the house for years and I think its a case of out of sight out of mind. Df hates it, it really gets him down and theres only so much we can do to it. We've wanted to move for ages. Then, on the net I found the perfect house- in the road where I grew up and my family still live- for me it would be like going home and I would like nothing more than my kids to grow up there. It is in our price range to but the timing isn't great with trying to save for our wedding and wanting to hopefully buy a small car soon when I pass my test- I think the freedom that will give me will help enormously. Anyway, raising the money is a problem- paying a small loan wouldn't be hard, but we can't get a loan. After another rejection this morning I just lost it. It feels like we are trying to make things easier for ourselves and it isn't happening. I really try to think of the positives, we have a house, two gorgeous funny amazing kids and each other and I k now all this, but it just adds to the feeling that at the moment, each day is a battle.
Whilst all this was going on I spoke to my mum in tears and admitted to her that I am lonely as well as everything else. It was one of those things you only admit when your feeling at your lowest. She said that only I can change that and I have to get out and meet other mums...I know all that, so why is it easier said than done? I think I sobbed for a good hour before I pulled myself together. I have people around me, I have lovely friends but our lives are so different. I am just so fed up of the tablets, the not feeling good, the struggles. I just feel like my head to far too full. All that coupled with sleepless nights, a constipated 2 year old and a teething 8 month old...it's at times, way to much. My son is having real problems at the moment too. He has been consipated for ages (don't know if I have mentioned it in previous entries) and it makes him so miserable. If we are going through a bad patch he just cries and can't sleep or eat. Yesterday was day 5 of him not going...he's 2nd bad patch in 2 weeks. He finally went lastnight but yesterday was hellish. He cried all day and it was heartbreaking, not to mention stressful. I think I have to get out of the house when the kids wake from their naps...
xxxx
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Post by sianyc on Jul 1, 2008 13:19:01 GMT
Re the constipation - how old is he? My eldest (4) has suffered with this on and off since she was small and sitting her on a potty with hot water in it works a treat. If they're too small for this then you can hover them over it yourself. The steam 'encourages' their bowel!
Sorry about the loan refusal lovely - the banks are being a pain at the moment with this credit crunch malarkey.
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Post by jh2008 on Jul 17, 2008 20:09:25 GMT
It's been a while again...and guess what? Things have been crazy...again! We were moving...then we weren't...then we were again...then we weren't...and now, hopefully we are! I managed to get a loan in the end and we've found a house, we've got just over a week till we move so it's all very quick and we aen't even sure everything has gone through yet so everything is happening with our usual level of stress and disorganisation!! Ds has been poorly again too, I mentioned before his constipation...and it just went from bad to worse since my last post. He hadn't been for 8 days on sunday and he was in constant pain..we ended up at the hopsital with him. They have changed his medication and he is now seeing a specialist so hopefully he is on the mend.
I was starting to really feel I was turning a corner with eveything too, I was feeling more alive if that makes sense. I'd been on a night out to a school renuion and had a great time, drinking and danicing made me feel a bit like my old self again...then all the stress kicked in and now I am not so sure.
The main thing is...I am in such pain. Around 4 days ago I started getting a pain in what I thought was my teeth. I have ground them quite a lot since being on citalopram so I thought thats what it was. It got worse and worse so I went to the dentist. He did xrays and told me it wasn't my actual teeth, no holes or problamatic wisdom teeth. But, he thought it was due to the grinding, that I was grinding my teeth so much I was hitting 2 major nerves. They have made me a bite guard to wear in bed. All well and good but since the pain has been getting worse and worse. By the evening I am in agony. I am having to take 2 strong pain killers and 2 ibrofen just to take the edge off and I am taking a hot water bottle for my face to bed just to sooth it enough to sleep. After another night in tears I went to the doctors today...he was a bit stumped. He agrees with the dentist, there is no other reason for the pain. He doesn't want me to change meds, he just perscriped me strong pain killers. I am really suffering...has anyone else had this??
xxxx
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 18, 2008 5:46:12 GMT
Good luck with the move! I seem to recall I did grind my teeth when I was on AD's once and I was so tired with it all. Maybe thats why I am so terrified of going back on them! I must subconsciously remember all the bad bits about them!
I dont recall having any pain like that though, just hellish jaw ache from the 'pressure' of biting down all the time.
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