Post by jh2008 on May 19, 2008 22:51:11 GMT
I hope no one minds me starting a diary on here as I am fairly new to this site and only posted a few times..I am hoping that writing everything down will offload how I am feeling and maybe help me make some sense of it all...
First, a bit of background. I am 26 with 2 kids- ds is 2 and dd is 7 months. My fiance is a brilliant support and we are due to get married next year. I am lucky, I know that, unfortuantley the feeling that I AM lucky but don't appreciate it at the moment makes my guilt even worse.
I have a bit of a history of depression and anxiety, it seems to run in the females of my family. I have suffered since I was 16 and lost my dad. I think many things have spiraled since then really. My first pg was difficult and my labour and birth a complete nightmare. My recovery was hard both mentally and physically and my ds was ill as a baby. The pnd hit me the first time when he was around 5 months old...it had been building for ages. I didn't want to go on anti d's, I had counselling and was diagnosed with ptsd as well as pnd. I don't think I ever really recovered, I just hid it all with my brave face. I tend to do a comedy routine to hide my feelings...I manage to fool most with it.
When I was getting better I got pg again and it wasn't planned. Admittly I wasn't thrilled and the guilt from feeling that way about my pg has stuck with me I think. I had my dd after another difficult pg but a much better birth. Stupidly I thought I wouldn't get pnd this time as the birth was better...I was wrong, it's much worse this time around. I personally believe I have two lots of pnd on top of each other.
I know I had pnd again when my dd was around 8 weeks old and it began with the odd thoughts...i'd never suffered with them before, but guessed they were'nt right. After admitting to my df I wasn't coping too well I went to the gp and was pescribed citalopram...everything seemed to calm down a bit...or so I thought. In hinesight everything was still building up but I was blaming different things. I thought my extreme anger was just because my dd was a 'difficult' baby and my feelings were just sleep deprivation. I thought I was stressed, but weirdly enough I came to the conclusion I didn't need the anti d's. Stupidly I just stopped taking them...cold turkey...and thats when it all fell apart.
My depression, anxiety, fear, weird thoughts, exhaustion everything all went through the roof, seemingly overnight. I literally woke up one morning and couldn't talk without sobbing. That day I tried to go to the local shop and only got part way down the road before I started having a huge panick attack where I could see things out of the corner of my eyes. I started sobbing in the middle of the road and had to be helped by a random bloke who happened to be getting out of his car at the roadside. It was terrifying and since then I have been suffering anxiety to varying degrees everytime I have left the house...especially where there are lots of people.
I am back on citalopram but only 20 mg to start with...I don't feel its doing much to be honest. I seem to have suffered more side effects and nothing positive. I am hoping to go back to the gp this week but I do feel their understanding is limited. I feel very up and down at the moment..some days I'm fine, better than fine actually, I feel quite ellated. When I have these 'good' days I can't imagine the bad. Sometimes I have a few in a row and think I'm getting better...then the bad hits. I become obssesed with everything bad...I imagine falling down the stairs when carrying my kids, accidentally stabbing myself with knives, being run over, burgled...you name it. I have panick attacks, feel very anxious and have no energy what so ever yet can't sleep. I can't be bothered to do anything. I can normally tell pretty early on what kind of day its going to be...if its bad I don't want to even get up. Very hard with 2 under 2.
I have become obsessed with my weight too...I have always been a big girl- now with the baby weight I am around a size 16/18 on a good day. Its never bothered me that much before...or maybe it has on a subconcious level. But now I can't stop thinking about how fat I am and am constantly looking for people who are also big to make me feel better. I'm convinced people are discussing me, especially about my weight. It's weird, with all that said, sometimes I just feel like myself again...I want that back, all the time.
Anyway, this is meant to be a diary so maybe I should bring it back to the present...
Today has been ok...yesterday was very ropey! I went shopping and kept my feelings of anxiety under wraps by concentrating really hard on the task in hand. I ended up with pins and needles down my arms. Then I tried to go to a cash point which was out of order. I could see another one over the road but to get to it I had to walk under a short subway...I thought I could do it. Got under there and panicked...panicked even worse on the way back as I could here kids shouting as they walked through. I convinced myself I was going to be mugged. Got home and burst into tears.
Today has been ok, df was off work in the morning...which helps a lot...I have had some moments of anxiety but not of outiright panick like yesterday. I had very little energy in the afternoon but ttried to make as much effort as I could to be an entertaining mummy for the kids.
I should be in bed now...I moan I don't get any sleep then I sit up for ages on here...
xxxx
First, a bit of background. I am 26 with 2 kids- ds is 2 and dd is 7 months. My fiance is a brilliant support and we are due to get married next year. I am lucky, I know that, unfortuantley the feeling that I AM lucky but don't appreciate it at the moment makes my guilt even worse.
I have a bit of a history of depression and anxiety, it seems to run in the females of my family. I have suffered since I was 16 and lost my dad. I think many things have spiraled since then really. My first pg was difficult and my labour and birth a complete nightmare. My recovery was hard both mentally and physically and my ds was ill as a baby. The pnd hit me the first time when he was around 5 months old...it had been building for ages. I didn't want to go on anti d's, I had counselling and was diagnosed with ptsd as well as pnd. I don't think I ever really recovered, I just hid it all with my brave face. I tend to do a comedy routine to hide my feelings...I manage to fool most with it.
When I was getting better I got pg again and it wasn't planned. Admittly I wasn't thrilled and the guilt from feeling that way about my pg has stuck with me I think. I had my dd after another difficult pg but a much better birth. Stupidly I thought I wouldn't get pnd this time as the birth was better...I was wrong, it's much worse this time around. I personally believe I have two lots of pnd on top of each other.
I know I had pnd again when my dd was around 8 weeks old and it began with the odd thoughts...i'd never suffered with them before, but guessed they were'nt right. After admitting to my df I wasn't coping too well I went to the gp and was pescribed citalopram...everything seemed to calm down a bit...or so I thought. In hinesight everything was still building up but I was blaming different things. I thought my extreme anger was just because my dd was a 'difficult' baby and my feelings were just sleep deprivation. I thought I was stressed, but weirdly enough I came to the conclusion I didn't need the anti d's. Stupidly I just stopped taking them...cold turkey...and thats when it all fell apart.
My depression, anxiety, fear, weird thoughts, exhaustion everything all went through the roof, seemingly overnight. I literally woke up one morning and couldn't talk without sobbing. That day I tried to go to the local shop and only got part way down the road before I started having a huge panick attack where I could see things out of the corner of my eyes. I started sobbing in the middle of the road and had to be helped by a random bloke who happened to be getting out of his car at the roadside. It was terrifying and since then I have been suffering anxiety to varying degrees everytime I have left the house...especially where there are lots of people.
I am back on citalopram but only 20 mg to start with...I don't feel its doing much to be honest. I seem to have suffered more side effects and nothing positive. I am hoping to go back to the gp this week but I do feel their understanding is limited. I feel very up and down at the moment..some days I'm fine, better than fine actually, I feel quite ellated. When I have these 'good' days I can't imagine the bad. Sometimes I have a few in a row and think I'm getting better...then the bad hits. I become obssesed with everything bad...I imagine falling down the stairs when carrying my kids, accidentally stabbing myself with knives, being run over, burgled...you name it. I have panick attacks, feel very anxious and have no energy what so ever yet can't sleep. I can't be bothered to do anything. I can normally tell pretty early on what kind of day its going to be...if its bad I don't want to even get up. Very hard with 2 under 2.
I have become obsessed with my weight too...I have always been a big girl- now with the baby weight I am around a size 16/18 on a good day. Its never bothered me that much before...or maybe it has on a subconcious level. But now I can't stop thinking about how fat I am and am constantly looking for people who are also big to make me feel better. I'm convinced people are discussing me, especially about my weight. It's weird, with all that said, sometimes I just feel like myself again...I want that back, all the time.
Anyway, this is meant to be a diary so maybe I should bring it back to the present...
Today has been ok...yesterday was very ropey! I went shopping and kept my feelings of anxiety under wraps by concentrating really hard on the task in hand. I ended up with pins and needles down my arms. Then I tried to go to a cash point which was out of order. I could see another one over the road but to get to it I had to walk under a short subway...I thought I could do it. Got under there and panicked...panicked even worse on the way back as I could here kids shouting as they walked through. I convinced myself I was going to be mugged. Got home and burst into tears.
Today has been ok, df was off work in the morning...which helps a lot...I have had some moments of anxiety but not of outiright panick like yesterday. I had very little energy in the afternoon but ttried to make as much effort as I could to be an entertaining mummy for the kids.
I should be in bed now...I moan I don't get any sleep then I sit up for ages on here...
xxxx