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Post by mummydonna on Jun 3, 2008 10:27:28 GMT
Hi all - I'm starting a diary. I've used the forum for many months now and i have found it a lifesaver, but not felt the need for space in the diary section. Luckily, the good days seem to be getting increasingly more frequent and the bad days deminishing. The bad days were seemingly less bad and the good days more good, until last Thursday. I had a complete unexpected relapse and it knocked me for six.
I started the day thinking "oh here comes a bad day..huh, nothing like the old ones i'll be fine" and ending with me being quite psychotic. Kept my baby and myself safe, but it felt as bad as it did when i was at my worst with pni. Felt pretty depressed the following days and the sucidal thoughts condinued in increasingly less intensity until today. Yesterday i felt well enough to post on the temporary forum...and reach out. Thanks to all u gals who replied and especially Cokey who was quick to offer support ;D much needed. <hugs>
So, was thinking it might be a good idea to keep a diary as although i'm not going through anything as bad as the pain i experienced months ago when i had pni every second of the day, i'm finding it hard to cope with the inconsistancy of recovery. I need to remember to practice my coping strategies even when i feel fine as obviously i'm still so vulnerable to having blips. As i said on the temp forum, this blip was more than likely due to work and financial pressure.
Well, thanks for listening, it's so good to offload and perhaps my diary will help others like the other diaries on here have helped me - they are such an inspiration and it just feels bloody good to know you're not the only "crazy" person out there (no offence gals!), please feel free to reply.
D
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Post by chica on Jun 3, 2008 13:08:35 GMT
Hi D, Nice to see you in here, I found keeping a diary on here, immensely helpful, it really did help me to keep an eye on my high and low points, and to look for any common triggers. Also if I got a bad few days, I would look back and see that I had, had loads of good days too, and I knew then that I would be okay again.
Your good days, will come back again I promise.
Love and hugs Chica
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Post by mummydonna on Jun 3, 2008 13:51:43 GMT
thanks Chica for your words and support the other day. U make total sense...it's so easy to forget you've had good days and are getting better when ur having an episode! hugs ur way
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Post by Scarlet on Jun 3, 2008 14:14:44 GMT
Hi Mummydonna, No you aren't crazy hun, else we all are.... Glad you started a diary and I hope it helps you offload your thoughts whilst you recover. Recovery is very inconsistent isn't it, which is crappy, but as you reach the end of the tunnel (or well on the way), you will be able to pinpoint triggers very well, and of course you will be able to deal with blips much easier. Hugs xxxx
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Post by cokey on Jun 3, 2008 15:32:12 GMT
Hi mummydonna
I hope you are a bit better. I didnt keep a diary first time round but this time I really like it because sometimes you have things to say but don't necessarily need someone urgently - other times like we had the other day we need each other on the main boards and you were there for me too.
This illness is the pits, it truly is but I know from experience that when its over you look back and forget most of it.
Keep up the fight - its nearly over.
Cokey xxx
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Post by mummydonna on Jun 3, 2008 17:46:21 GMT
thanks for replies gals...well, today has been managable. Feeling v tired from the last few days, it takes it out of you doesn't it? I phoned work to confirm leaving, something i've postponed for too long and sorting out my finances bit by bit, trying not to put too much pressure on myself today.
I've got a meeting on working as a childminder from home tomo...not really feeling up for it, but these meetings are essential to attend if that's what i want to do and they are not frequent. Obviously, i'm not going to do it for some time, i need to be fully recovered if that's what i want to do, but i think it's worth looking into.
I guess I'll see how i go tomo morning, I know with PNI not to push it, but it's hard when my nature is busy and hard working...taking it at a slower pace is very hard and saying no to people even harder. Still, needs to be done. Feeling much more logical about it all this evening and hence in control, but still bit down.
D xxx <hugs>
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Post by sianyc on Jun 4, 2008 10:39:32 GMT
Hey Hope you find this section helpful. I used it a lot to offload and think it really helped me. Know what you mean about having to make an effort not to push it with PNI. This was a long hard lesson for me and it's only really now I find myself recovered that I will say NO and think sod it if the house needs cleaning but I want to relax while lo is sleeping. Doing too much always resulted in bad days afterwards for me as I would be exhausted and just couldn't cope with feeling like that and trying to care for 2 active lo's. It is worth taking the time to relax and not cram loads of things into the day, but it takes a while to adjust to that pace I think
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Post by mummydonna on Jun 4, 2008 18:47:48 GMT
Hi all...had a good day, felt quite anxious about the meeting in the morning and claustrophobic at times, but thanks to positive thinking (and valium lol!) I did it and v glad i did. Had a busy day after that trying to sort housing benefit out and clearing up after Daddy as he looked after the baby while i was out - what a bomb site when i got back! Men! Just had some news and i'm not sure how i feel about it.
**************Please don't read if ur sensitive at mo...******************
My sis is 17 weeks pregnent and the baby has long been diagnosed with downs and has many v serious physical complications...today she had the last scan before she was gonna decide if she would terminate and the baby was found to be dead. I have v mixed feelings, i'm very sorry for her and the baby and can only imagine how i would be if that happened to me when i was pregnant - but feel "disgust" perhaps is the only word at her as she drank heavily through this pregnancy (and the last one also). I don't have a great relationship with her because she is a manipulative drunk, but support her as my sister and remain amicable with her. I really don't know how i feel about this...i'm gonna try and relax now and then have an early night.
hope everyone elses day has been good,
D x
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Post by winegirl on Jun 4, 2008 20:35:34 GMT
Hi Mummydonna
I am very sorry about your sister's baby hun. How sad that this ahould happen for your family.
I am a bit mixed about my response to you about it. Part of me is furious at your sister's actions and behaviour and makes my blood boil, although it is not my place to judge. Part of me feels so incredibly sad for her. What an awful thing to happen. I think at this time if she already has a drink problem then it would be an important time for someone to mintor and support her through her grieving process.
Well done on the meeting today! I really hope it works out for you. Keep us up to date?
Take Care
WG x
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Post by mummydonna on Jun 5, 2008 18:02:54 GMT
Had a strange day...fell out with the OH in the morning as he was on a late shift and it was my turn to get up with the LO, but he woke up at 4.30 instead of his usual 6am. So i asked the OH to get up and look after Lo at 7.30 so i could have a sleep until 9 then OH could sleep til 11. OH was furious about it...but i did the same for him when LO got up early when it was his turn!
I know i don't work, but i need rest too, especially as i don't feel too good at mo. He's all moody and coz i'm not too good myself i'm feeling quite pissed off about it, and i've got to start work next month and i'm worried as OH doesn't do much around the house. Went out to my baby group at a friends house so that was a nice distraction for the afternoon (and lots of therapeutic cake helped!), most of the other mums have similar probs with their OH! Men! He is a really good Dad all this aside, don't misunderstand..i'm just pissy!
Been feeling quite down tho' bout my sis's baby and that...i worry about her children as she's so messed up and i also worry about my brother and sis that live with my mum and her. The whole thing has just been swimming round my brain all day. So been teary at times, but i'm gonna have a bath and relax once LO is in bed and then have an early night. Hope everyone else is ok,
love D x
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Post by sianyc on Jun 6, 2008 12:17:32 GMT
My reaction to your sis is much like WG's - anger that someone would drink heavily throughout a pregnancy despite all the warnings. One if my sister's 'friends' has done it through 3 pregnancies and they all hate it. At the same time though, it's desperately sad to lose a baby re your OH - mine didn't sort his act out until baby number 2 appeared and that was because I spent the whole pregnancy telling him he'd better shape up and we wouldn't survive anther baby if he acted like he did first time around. I'm not sure what it is - yes you get no time off and less sleep blah blah, but we have to deal with it too. It's not like they're the only ones whose lives are unrecognisable
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Post by mummydonna on Jun 7, 2008 19:13:41 GMT
had a good day yesterday...my OH was off and we went swimming with the LO and had a nice evening of wine and cheese when he was in bed! There has been a bit of point scoring going on lately (ie. i did this and i did that so u should do this) but we're on v good terms. It is a bit strained at times coz i'm usually the one who wants sex and he wants to hug - i find it hard coz of previous issues of rejection, but i'm trying and settled for a naked hug last night...hey it's a comprimise! Today has been good too, went to my friends house with the LO as the hairdresser for her wedding was coming over to sort her and us bridemaids out. Been a little out of sorts, had nightmares about having a baby at only 12weeks old and seeing it's little body - obviously worried bout my sister having the baby today. It went as well as it could have gone for her today. It only took 2 and a half hours and there will be a funeral next week. So, LO's in bed now...i'm gonna put my feet up and have a glass or two of wine D
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Post by winegirl on Jun 8, 2008 9:02:41 GMT
Hi Mummydonna
Wine and cheese, my perfect evening...
Strange you should say about the nightmares. I really suffer with them too and last night had one that my baby girl had drowned in the bath. It is still playing on my mind this morning, so I know how awful they are.
Hope you enjoyed your wine last night and today is a good one for you xx
WG x
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Post by mummydonna on Jun 9, 2008 9:20:05 GMT
Thanks WG, yes i do love my red wine and stinky cheeses perhaps throw in some olives if i'm feeling really naughty! Not written yesterday as been quite drained and anxious from the blip and what has been going on with my sis, plus LO has been a real handful...just started using the furnitre to stand and then throws himself back onto his head so i can't even blink let alone get anything done, i feel mean putting in his cot just so he's safe while i do the bottles or whatever! Plus he's been getting up at 5am every morning the past week and a half. So all in all, it's taking it's toll. Went to bed at 8.30pm last night but couldn't sleep..had panic attacks over the stupidist of things (like thinking i'd misplaced things etc) and then got really wound up by about 11 as so tired but just could sleep despite taking Nytol. Finding it hard to get over this blip, v down and miss the feeling of the good days i've been enjoying. But i guess that is something...i have had good days where i have almost felt like the old me. I know from all the lovely gals on here that they will return (just hanging in there). Today quite tired, but my OH is looking after the LO tonight so i can go out with my best friend and have a few drinkie poos - much needed r & r time. He's feeling a bit stressed too, he tried to start a converstion with me last night about 11, saying how he is worried about us and he sees me as a mum and not exactly as we were before etc...i told him i loved him but could we talk about it another time..as i already told him i was really panicy and trying to sleep! He's lovely, but has no sense of timing and yesterday it felt as if he was continuing the point scoring by saying i owed him for looking after LO tonight so i could go out! I owed him?? I haven't been out for weeks. I took LO out all day Saturday so he could have time alone - I'm going out when the LO is in bed anyhoo!!! GRRRRRH!!! anyhoo..think i'm gonna try chill...i'm so easily wound up at mo...like PMT...even stomach ache but i'm not due!!!
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Post by tabbysmum on Jun 9, 2008 10:37:56 GMT
Hi Mummydonna,
Hope you don't mind me writing in your diary. Just wanted to join in the man rant. I can totally relate about the point scoring. I get up with our lo all the time, she's now 10 months old and he's probably done the early shift 2 or 3 times, I always do her bottles and steriliser - I have to ask him to do it, if I go out she comes with me, if he goes out, he goes alone, he's only started taking his turn to bath her cos I put my foot down when I returned to work, we both work fulltime (although I admit physically his job is very hard) yet there still seems to be this unwritten rule that women do the majority of the care. He started trying to score points the other day over something he'd done but I just told him not to go there - he quickly shut up! It's really hard I know, you look fine, yet your mind is constantly battling the awful, scary thoughts, you're completely exhausted and then the men in our lives - if the rest are anything like mine - complain they're tired and miss having a Sunday afternoon snooze - aaaarrrrrggggghhhh!
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