Post by bean on Jul 16, 2008 12:00:28 GMT
Hi I didnt get back last night cos once I'd settled Martha hubby turned up (he was supposed to be working all night), went straight into the kitchen and saw the stanley knife I had got from the shed - he gave me a bit of a lecture about infection and I felt like a daft little kid who had been caught steeling. I know he's right but the point is that I hadn't used it, I was going to come and chat to avoid it.
I didnt go to my therapist's appointment yesterday though I wish I had, im just running away cause Im so scared I will end up out of control and worse than I am now, Im also aware that I must have only a few sessions left so why make things worse, only to have her taken away. Surely its better to stop now? I started reading the book she recommended (Rescuing the Inner Child) and found it very disturbing - only read 2 chapters but it triggered so many emotions and also a couple of long forgotten memories I feel so angry, I hate myself, I cant look at myself without wanting to turn myself inside out and shred my face with a blade. Im also trying to get through my Transactual Analysis book which is hard going - Im having to read paragraphs a few times before its going in.
I feel like my head is on fire and Im really knackered i know I cant go on like this - I got up this morning and made an appt to see my GP tomorrow - I will beg her for some sleeping tablets cause I cant function without sleep can I? I dont think she will give me any though as my Shrink said she wouldnt give me any more cause they are addictive, also I tend to abuse them. Its worth a try - I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!
How can someone have such great children and feel so bad? They are all such loving, happy children, baby Martha is really happy and chilled and D and J are doing so well at school, their reports were great, Dan is working two years above his age andJoe is "quite a character - always ready to cheer the class" apparently. How can they be so good with a mum like me?
I dont know how I am going to deal with my emotions and fears this week, its always worse when hes on nights, Ive got tonight, tomorrow and Saturday to get through safely. I did send my therapist an essay text trying to apologise for messing her about, I hope she is ok about it - I havent heard back yet.
Looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I hate what I see - its not me its a total stranger. Why am I rambling like this now, why couldnt I just bite the bullet and put my total trust in my therapist, I just waffle on about anything but the important issues like I am now, I find I want help when Ive already sabotaged the help offered to me. Is this why Im still so f**ked up. Everyone keeps saying i will be ok sometime I will get over this shit illness but when? If anything Ive been getting worse recently and at least once a week I really believe that everyone would be better off without me. I know if i dont let myself be helped Im gonna end up messing up big style from which there will be no return. I will lose everything i care about, I know I will.
Now Im just going on and on, I need to do some chores and get M dressed. Hopefully there will be someone around tonight and I WILL try and get back cause just waffling like this is at least distracting me from doing other stupid things.
I didnt go to my therapist's appointment yesterday though I wish I had, im just running away cause Im so scared I will end up out of control and worse than I am now, Im also aware that I must have only a few sessions left so why make things worse, only to have her taken away. Surely its better to stop now? I started reading the book she recommended (Rescuing the Inner Child) and found it very disturbing - only read 2 chapters but it triggered so many emotions and also a couple of long forgotten memories I feel so angry, I hate myself, I cant look at myself without wanting to turn myself inside out and shred my face with a blade. Im also trying to get through my Transactual Analysis book which is hard going - Im having to read paragraphs a few times before its going in.
I feel like my head is on fire and Im really knackered i know I cant go on like this - I got up this morning and made an appt to see my GP tomorrow - I will beg her for some sleeping tablets cause I cant function without sleep can I? I dont think she will give me any though as my Shrink said she wouldnt give me any more cause they are addictive, also I tend to abuse them. Its worth a try - I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!
How can someone have such great children and feel so bad? They are all such loving, happy children, baby Martha is really happy and chilled and D and J are doing so well at school, their reports were great, Dan is working two years above his age andJoe is "quite a character - always ready to cheer the class" apparently. How can they be so good with a mum like me?
I dont know how I am going to deal with my emotions and fears this week, its always worse when hes on nights, Ive got tonight, tomorrow and Saturday to get through safely. I did send my therapist an essay text trying to apologise for messing her about, I hope she is ok about it - I havent heard back yet.
Looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I hate what I see - its not me its a total stranger. Why am I rambling like this now, why couldnt I just bite the bullet and put my total trust in my therapist, I just waffle on about anything but the important issues like I am now, I find I want help when Ive already sabotaged the help offered to me. Is this why Im still so f**ked up. Everyone keeps saying i will be ok sometime I will get over this shit illness but when? If anything Ive been getting worse recently and at least once a week I really believe that everyone would be better off without me. I know if i dont let myself be helped Im gonna end up messing up big style from which there will be no return. I will lose everything i care about, I know I will.
Now Im just going on and on, I need to do some chores and get M dressed. Hopefully there will be someone around tonight and I WILL try and get back cause just waffling like this is at least distracting me from doing other stupid things.