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Post by bean on Jul 4, 2008 21:41:11 GMT
Hi, not sure why here, sure I am boring bitch who moans on and on and don't do myself any favours. Beginning to think I will never get better, or even deserve to!
Had another row today, i am nothing but selfish bitch who doesnt think about anyone else's needs. Been cleaning like mad tonight to try and get over it but I know as soon as m is in bed i will be cutting, the urge is so overwhelming, I've been trying so hard not to until the other marks heal a bit but it seems the harder I try not to, the stronger it gets until I feel like I will explode. I know I shouldn't tonight cause R will think I am just doing it because we had row and trying to make him feel guilty, this isn't the case - this is why I held off from telling him about it for so long.
My sessions with shrink and Therapist this week didnt go very well, not communicating with them well at the mo, therapist said we need to keep to once a week (ideally twice but this is not possible) to keep our relationship strong, if I go longer I seem to detach myself again and find it difficult to re-engage with her. I wish I could do better in therapy, I need to let her in completely and just when I think I' m there I back off.
Im sure the meds are not working one bit, the other day I got quite drunk and forgot to take them, the day after I felt fine and was up early without fuzzy feeling. Every other day I feel completely hungover without the enjoyment of wine. I didnt take them last night because of this but I have been warned time and time again not to come off them - what am I supposed to do? Im really struggling to understand everything at the moment.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 5, 2008 8:19:43 GMT
Hi Bean
I am glad you have started to do a diary on here babes.
How were you last night hun??
Have you spoken to anyone about the meds and the fact you dont feel they are helping? What meds are you on and how long have you been taking them?
Here and listening hun xx
WG x
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Post by bean on Jul 5, 2008 9:51:01 GMT
Thanks Sam and WG, feeling quite fragile today. Im on imipramine and was put on this as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was on Trazedone but had to be weaned off very quickly cos preggas. Martha is 7 months old now so have been on since last May. I have mentioned I didnt think they were working but been told to bear with it and as I am still breastfeeding, my shrink is reluctant to put me on anything else. She did give me some sleeping tablets few weeks ago, but only 2 weeks worth cause she said they are addictive and said I need to do things for myself (relaxation, trying to get out, positive thinking etc etc) in fact, everything that I am struggling with, the panic attacks are getting very bad and Im struggling to get out at all, I only feel relaxed when Ive had a drink which is not good anyway, cause of the breastfeeding - Im damned if I do and Im damned if I dont.
I will try and go to the drop in place Ive been told about next week if Im not sectioned by then!
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Post by winegirl on Jul 5, 2008 10:17:57 GMT
Hi Bean
How long are you planning to breastfeed for? Do you think you will go on different meds when you stop? I was put on escitalopram for the anxiety which was pretty severe and it has been a life saver for me. But everyone is different and the first lot of meds i tried didnt do it for me.
What is the drop in place? What do they do there?
WG xx
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Post by bean on Jul 5, 2008 10:45:08 GMT
Hi WG I dont know how long to breastfeed, dont want to stop yet cause its the only thing Ifeel I am good at at the mo. I have been on so many different ADs over the last five years, I cant remember them all, I do seem to be quite sensitive to side effects cause Im only little. I remember when I was on fluoxetine I suffered lots of dizzy spells and fainting dos which enhanced the panic outside cause I didnt feel safe, had a few crackd heads cause of this. I wish I knew what the answer is, I think the therapy has a big part to play if I can just get my head around it.
The drop in is the house of light where Joannem is, I spoke to her couple of weeks ago she said I could go but I dont know what they do, maybe just helpful to see someone who has been in same position with good outcome. At the moment I cant see me having good outcome, more likely to end up in padded cell or box. Sorry to be talking like this all the time but am on a right downer with myself, blame myself for everything (justified), hubby completely pissed off with situation and I dont know if we will make it, feel like the worst mum in the world and letting everyone down including support/therapists. I really do think they would all be better off without me.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 5, 2008 12:35:58 GMT
Hi Bean
Dont be sorry hun! This is what we are here for! You are not letting anyone down babes, and if you feel like you are letting down the therapists, then maybe you should realise that perhaps they are letting you down! Thier job is to get you better!
I hope it goes well at the drop in centre hun x Perhaps you may meet some people who live near you and going through the same??
There is of course a positive outcome. PNI has to be one of the nastiest illness I have ever come across, but it is also not forever! Unfortunately it can jyst drag on somewhat. I remember spending every day believeing I was never going to be well again and there was no way out...
How you doing this afternoon hun??
WG xx
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Post by bean on Jul 5, 2008 15:28:27 GMT
Im feeling quite desperate I've besen thinking how to get the kids safe tonight because I dont want to be here anymore. I know it sounds crazy but i just cant live like this anymore I detest myself. Rang the crisis team earlier and she said I can ring later if I need i just dontknowwhattodo..................
Thanks for all your support you are all really kind, just wishI had anything to givce back.
Love bean x
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Post by winegirl on Jul 5, 2008 15:46:23 GMT
Hi Bean
If you are still feeling like this then definately ring the crisis team back. They are the ones who know the best course of action for when you are feeling like this and can get you immediate support.
Is your OH about tonight?
I will be back on line sometime after 8pm if you need to chat hun ...
WG xx
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Post by bean on Jul 5, 2008 17:24:53 GMT
Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm losing it big styhle, just scared my little boy by kicking one of his cars across the room cause he wouldnt take it to his bedroom. I feel i really need some help but dont know what to do, stgarted writing some letters to familyh and feel so guilty. I dont know if i want support from crisis team, just want it all to go away.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 5, 2008 20:11:48 GMT
I am sorry I have been off line and just read your post. Are you ok? How are you doing now? We are here to help you.
Can you ring the crisis team? I know you might not want to but they can get you out of this tonight. I have been known in desperation to take myself off to A&E also - they really can be brilliant when you are desperate...
Will be here all night x
WG x
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Post by winegirl on Jul 5, 2008 22:01:24 GMT
Hi Bean
I hope you dont mind but I sent you a pm to see how you were. I am off to hit the sack now, but want to say that I am thinking of you and really hope you are ok tonight x Please let us know how you are when you get a free minute babes x
Sending you hugs and strength (())
WG xx
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Post by littlelotty on Jul 5, 2008 22:10:21 GMT
Hi Bean
I just wanted to say well done in starting a diary - it was the best thing I ever did and it helped me to see patterns in the week/month and I was able to help myself get better or prevent me from getting so low so well done you are very brave and a true fighter.
Hope you have a good day tommorrow and take care - we are all here for you.
LittleLotty xx
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Post by winegirl on Jul 6, 2008 9:42:00 GMT
Hi Bean
How are you? Was worried about you last night?
You ok today??
WG x
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Post by Scarlet on Jul 7, 2008 14:50:56 GMT
Bean,
How you doing hun?? There were MANY MANY times I thought I was losing control as well, and just like you I was desperate and thought I might do something stupid and I often thought I would be better off dead as well... We know just how you feel Bean so please talk to us when you get chance. You are not alone, and you will get well again, even though it doesn't feel like it to you at them moment, you won't always feel like this, please know this. Just hang in there.
A big hug xxxx
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Post by bean on Jul 9, 2008 9:38:30 GMT
Hi, thanks for everyone's messages of support.
I saw my Therapist yesterday, was there for an hour and half, was mostly honest with her and lot of what she said made sense although making myself believe it is another matter. She said I am slowly killing myself and need to get things out in a safe way with her helping me, she said I will end up in hospital if I go on the way I am. I dont want this and know it would put me back even further so need to be very careful what Im doing.
Came home and couldn't sit still so sent her an essay text, was still polishing the wood off the table til late but at least the house is quite tidy for a change. I did have big pile of ironing to do but thought this wasnt the best idea for the frame of mind I was in I would probably have ended up ironing nothing but myself. I suppose what Im trying to say is it was good that I used my anxiety in a constructive and not destructive way (that's a first - thinking I did something useful for a change).
Ended up at the House of Light on Monday, didnt know where else to go, and met Jo and Karen who are really nice, it does sound strange though hearing that they were like me and are so together and confident now, living life. I hear what they are saying too but until I believe it myself I dont think I will change.
Last night after my session baby M was screaming when I walked in and as soon as she saw me she stopped - so must be doing something right. R had music on and a song made me cry in the kitchen, the words seemed to be about me (Biffy Clyro - "I've started falling apart, I'm not savouring life, I've forgotton how good it can feel to be alive - take these feelings and build them up to the sky").
Ive been told to try and exercise for so long now, but no energy - this morning I thought I was going to faint and had to sit on the kitchen floor. I told my therapist I'm trying to get a Wii Fit cause it sounds like an agrophobe's answer - I cant get out to exercise so if I can get one it might do some good (although I've tried everywhere and they are sold out wherever I try).
Found another tooth Monday so she has both her bottom ones through now, this is probably why I've had a few upset nights with her, she seems ok today though, got to go to school open evening tonight for both boys, feeling quite anxious about it but R has arranged to leave work so I dont have to go alone like I did last time. Joe had school nurse check last week and she asked how I was doing - I vaguely told her about PND and panic and she said she would have a word with school and if I was panicking all I would have to do was to ring and let them know and they would keep the boys for ten minutes for all the crowds to die down so I could collect them - I never thought about telling them before, although you dont just go telling everyone you're mental do you? Anyway Joes TA had word with me and she was really nice. I usually just try to put my "automum" face on when I go and dont let people know what turmoil I'm in inside.
I'm going to try and get some rest this morning cause I'm knackered. Bean x
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