Beany Baby

[chica]

Hi Bean,

So sorry that Martha needed feeding and settling, are you okay honey? Do you need to get to the hospital? Have you got any of those steri strip thingys that you can buy that you could use for now?

I am sending you so much love and huge hugs, I just wished that you could feel them through this cyber space. You truly are a very wonderful and special person, you cannot see that for yourself right now, but please believe me, when I say that one day for sure you will, recover , from all this sadness, despair and self loathing and be a much stronger person.

Love
Chica

[bean]

Thought I'd come back cause cant settle tonight and needed some company, forced myself to take kids to a fun day at the childrens centre, started feeling really panicky so took myself outside to calm down. Kids really enjoyed, D joined in paintig a big mural, J played with the bikes and martha had a go at the bongo drum. I was glad I went but then back to houes with no adult company since 2.30pm. My friend was supposed to come round but she cancelled.
Good news though, managed to get my Wii fit, so had go with glass of wine - pissed off with it though cause it said my wii fit age was 45 and Im unbalanced - how shit is that? Anyway had go at the training for a while, did some jogging and aerobics and lost 5lb - the Wii said it was not good to do too much (cant win).

Quite a troubled week - first I had to go to A&E cause my cut was worse than usual, waited until dinner time though cause I felt so bad. The receptionise at hospital gave me a really funny look when I said I cut myself - I didnt say I had done it on purpose but I think she knew (am I just paranoid). Nurse was ok though she said I should have gone straight away and cause of the time couldnt stitch so had to glue and strip instead, she also dressed my burn. She said she had to contact the Liaison team but I told her I regularly see the Manager there she said I could go home and contact them myself. Felt really shit and told R what I had done, he was just quiet.
Then it was last day of school and I was worrying about having the kids here all the time without a break, can I manage? I felt a bit emotional when Js TA gave me a big hug.
My Therapy went really well considering last week and not turning up she didnt give me a hard time and we talked well and I got my much needed cuddle. I need to understand that I cant expect anything from OH and need to concentrate on me.
Thursday I went to see PN and felt really shit, my throat and ear have flared right up again and it was like an oven in his office, he said we should cut short cause I didnt look well, i tried leaving and passed out on the deck, it was like i was on fire from the inside out. He brought me home and I told OH that I had passed out, he didnt ask what had happened or if I was ok just -wheres the car and I need to go to meeting. He looked really mad and I didnt udnerstand why, when he came back he didnt even say hello, just went in the garden then said he was going to the pub. I was upset when he left wondering what I had done, did he think i did it on purpose? Anyway when he got back i was well worked up, he came in all smiles and tried to hug me, I was confused and said it was just cause hed had a beer and he went mad, he said he was really angry cause of A&E and now this, i dont think of his feelings and my illness is causing everything. Well how shit did I feel, i really felt like hurting myself but thought Im not going to let him make me do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then yesterday after having a drink when I was just off to bed he said he loved me but will not apologise for being him or apologise for being annoyed with me. So now I know it is best to not be honest with him, he said he wanted me to tell him things but how can I if it is going to cause all this hassle. I feel so confused Im trying so hard to keep it together and try to work things out myself i dont need to be worrying about his reaction.
Ive got a big meeting on Tuesday and told him but I dont know if he will go I dont know if i want him there. What happened to us? All the trouble comes from me being mental. If im ok then he is but how do I get ok Im doing everything Im told to do. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
Modified by Bam due to Space ,but underderstand the feeling of ARG!!!!!!

What a boring bitch I am I need to sleep.

[cheshire]

Hi Beany,

Did you sleep ok?

Sorry to hear you've been back in A&E, but am glad you've been seen and had things dressed.

Good that they therapy is going well - sounds like the relationship is good.

It's frustrating isn't it when you feel you are doing everyhing you're told to do but still feel like you're wading through treacle. Keep going though, you will get there.

Hopefulx

[winegirl]

Hi Beany

Sorry not been around for a few days or I would have logged into chat to talk to you!

How have thing sbeen for you today?

I know it may have already been said to you, but have you thought about you and OH going to Relate counselling? It sounds like an outside person talking to your OH might be what he needs?

Will be around on and off tonight if you need to chat xx

Take Care

Wg x

[elspeth]

Hope you had a better day today
E
xx

[winegirl]

Hi Beany

Will be around tonight hun. How has today been for you mate??

WG xx

[bean]

Hi everyone, I've had to have some thinking time. My therapy session didnt go too well on Tuesday, my brick wall has built itself up again, my therapist was not too pleased, she said it was like trying to read code sometimes with me, I talk around any issues about shit to avoid what really needs to come out. I felt really bad, its like Im being punched in the stomach I just cant seem to handle this therapy - I really care what she thinks of me and am trying my best to learn things so I can help her to help me. Anyway I spoke to my PN and he said it is all expected behaviour because of what Im trying to deal with. Ive decided to try and write her a letter and maybe some more drawings to try to explain what I cant say out loud.

Speaking of relate, this was offered to us a while ago when we had a meeting with my PN, Shrink and hubby, he wasnt interested but accepted the offer of one to one help for him (to deal with me) only, he doesnt go regularly, just when he thinks we are at crisis point and then he seems to ask about having me admitted quite a lot. My therapist also mentioned this the other day - this is the last thing I want - my children are keeping me going, if I did have to be parted I dont know whatI would do (or I darent admit it to myself).
Thought I'd broken my hand Tuesday, my knuckle is really stuck out and bruised, tried looking in the mirror at myself properly and didnt react very well, luckily I must be a bi of a weed cause it didnt smash.

Anyway baby needs some attention now will probably be back later.

[bean]

Head spinning I've tried starting my letter but dont know where to start feel so angry confused scared exposed guilty inadequate - I think if i dont do something with these feelings i will soon explode i can feel it bvuilding and trying not to hurt tonight, dont want R to throw back in my face again.

[bam02]

Why is your postings so wide??? Just realised and modified the ARG!!! to stop your diary being wider than the page!

I haven't kept up with the letter? Not sure what that is?
What is a PN? I had a CPN and later a social worker...

But please don't feel hurting will help!


I know its just something to explain afterwards!!!!

[bean]

I have no idea why so wide M was on my knee when typing, maybe she pressed something?
The letter is something Ive decided I need to write to my Therapist, thinking maybe I can put down on paper things I cant say aloud - dont know where to start. Last night I was laid in bed and everything going round in my head, I need to clear some space up there just scared what will happen when I do, scared of losing control if I allow myself to feel. Burnt myself after last posting, to try and stop my head and shut it up for a while. I know it wont help but made sure it is where I can hide it. At least a burn is easier - no stitches tonight.
My PN is just psychiatric Nurse - he's the manager of the Dept of Psych. Medicine and in charge of the A&E Liaison Team. He's in charge of my care & works with my Therapist and Psychiatrist.
I feel like I need to sleep but cant switch off, feel in need of more pain but wont help I know, its just the only answer I have at the moment. If I dont feel physical pain the emotional pain only gets worse.

[larsbars]

Hi Bean,

I'm not sure if I have written in your diary yet but I have been following it since you started.

With regard to the letter...instead of trying to write something that reads well why don't you just write bullet points. Just write down the issues that are affecting you. If may only be a couple of things but then go into each one in more detail. Try and be as honest as you can and get EVERYthing out on that piece of paper even if it is just in a list and doesn't make much sense. Your therapist can then look at it and pick one thing to talk to you about at a time. That way you can elaborate whilst talking to him/her.

I know what you mean about not wanting to open up emotionally. I remember when I first felt bad crying uncontrollably. I then became scared to cry again incase I lost all self control and had to be sectioned at the time but I now know that it was just a reaction to what had pent up inside me and what was going on at the time. These days, instead of trying to stop myself, if I have had a bad day with the kids and I feel like crying I just do it. I then find that it doesn't build up into worse (panic attacks, extreme anxiety etc). I know it is really hard and you don't want to let your barriers down for fear of something bad happening but it will be the first step towards making things better. You may feel worse initially because you are dredging up things that may be painful for you but once you start to get them out into the open and talk about them you will find that the pain will ease and you will be able to deal with things a bit easier. You may find that your brain will switch off a bit as well.

I'm so sorry you are finding things hard at the moment nut they WILL get better.

Thinking of you,

Lara xx

[bean]

Thanks Lara
THat seems like a good idea, need to do something, Im not seeing her for 2 weeks. I think I will try another nigth cause Im absolutely knackered. I know i wont be able to switch off but cant stay up all night can I?
Anyone got a sledgehammer I can borrow to knock mself out? Its too late now to take leeping tablet . Iron looking more and more attractive than the alternative.

[winegirl]

Hi Bean

Sorry wasnt around for a couple of days - had no internet connectiona t home! Grrrr.

How you doing this weekend babes? Will be around if you need to chat x
]
Take Care

WG xx

[bean]

Hi WG - feeling little fragile, like an ice sculpture in front of a fire, absolutely shattered though had sleeping tablet early last night and relaxation cd came so put on my MP4 player and took it to bed, I dont actually remember all of it so must have done its job. Feel like I could sleep for a week at the mo.

Didnt get my letter done in the end I will try again tonight if I get chance (R back from work at 3 though). M bit more settled last night, I think she must be getting another tooth cause sore bum and screaming banshee. Burn not too bad now.
My head and neck are killing me though feel like Ive been head banging to rock in my sleep.

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

Glad you managed to get some sleep babes x I still feel like i could sleep for a week too, though its never gonna happen I know!

You doing anything nice today? Sounds like you could do with some nice time for you while you are feeling so fragile??

WG xx