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Post by bean on Aug 2, 2008 11:01:18 GMT
Was supposed to take Dan to Karate but talked him out of going - couldnt face it today feel too dozy to walk there and cant be dealing with anxiety. Supposed to be tidying up but cant be arsed - I need to get my head together cause three kids arent going to do it are they? Been looking online for a break but all too expensive. Thought might do a mini bbq for us when R gets back from work (good excuse for some wine I think), seems like hes never here at the mo, even when he is home. Im full of supposed to's at the mo arent I, got to stop beating myself with this big stick for not doing things, cant help it today. Cant remember last time i actually felt like doing anything for me. Just here on automum programming.
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Post by bean on Aug 2, 2008 12:15:11 GMT
I want to be in someone elses head. The longer the day goes on today the more shit I feel. Had massive falling out with kids about state of their rooms. They fighting with each other i feel like a rubbish mum i just want to shut everyone and everything out. Urge to hurt is sooo bad but need to curb this while kids are around. Need it to stop. Need a big hug but noone will give me one, only person who does this at mo is my therapist and wont see her for 2 weeks. Feel so lonely.
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Post by talkingincircles on Aug 2, 2008 13:38:36 GMT
Hi bean
It can be incredibly lonely at times being a mum cant it. I feel like Im going insane with the need to chat to another adult. You have to give yourslef a break, you are doing a great job you really are. You have to learn to be kind to yourself , you need to do this because three little people depend on you. Try and think of it that way if it helps....even if 'you' dont believe you need to be good to yourself your children need you to be. A friend of mine has a ball and a cricket bat and she takes her anger out on that instead of herself...ao you think that might help?How about punching a pillow or screaming into it? I know how you feel, its like a build up of emotional energy you just cant release? Anyway...no idea if Im helping....I will keep checking in to see how you are. I am on my own today too and feeling it!
Have a cyber hug (((((((((bean))))))))))
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Post by winegirl on Aug 2, 2008 15:26:23 GMT
Hi Bean
The best I can do is send you a virtual hug hun (()). How is the day going now? Its hard work being stuck in all day with kids, and I like you felt that I couldnt even think of anything i wanted to do for me and wouldnt enjoy anything i did. But eventually i made myself start doing things for me and learnt to enjoy them and look forward to them...
Are you still gonna have that bbq later??
WG xx
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Post by bean on Aug 2, 2008 19:07:53 GMT
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Post by winegirl on Aug 2, 2008 19:51:06 GMT
Hi Babes
I have spoken to you about all the distraction techniques before so we know they aren't necessarily for you. Could you try to replace the self harm with something else? I know its about feeling something for you and for some people its like a release. I self harmed many years ago and for me it was the release feeling so I tried going nuts. Kicking, screaming, breaking things etc... It did stop me on quite a few occasions.
Have you got anything planned for tonight??
I am in the middle of dying my hair and about to go wash it off but will be back in a bit after if you need to chat x
WG xx
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Post by bean on Aug 2, 2008 21:00:17 GMT
Just getting slowly pissed tonight, listening to music channel and just gone to get chocolate. All kids are in bed now, trying to chill, still got loads on mind just trying to dull it all with alcohol in the hope i wont want to cut myself when R goes to sleep. I really do appreciate the support everyone here tries to give though, I know im a bit useless at accepting help but it is nice to know people are around who care more than I do. Wish I could too send a big hug out there. I know I could use it too. Im going to try the relaxation cd again for bed hopefully mixed with the wine it might do the trick although I know i wont be able torest until ive shed these bricks from my head. If anyone wants to know how I feel tonight listen to "Chasing Cars - Radio Ones Live Lounge sung by Natasha Bedingfield" - it makes me cry but I sing out loud to it and feel some release, sometimes. Nite nite - going to get pissed now.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 3, 2008 10:02:25 GMT
I love that track! I like pretty much anything they play on the Live Lounge to be honest...
I hope you managed to chill out and hit the sack ok last night?
WG xx
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Aug 5, 2008 4:53:35 GMT
Im crap at accepting help too, big virtual hugs to you though, sounds like you need them
E xx
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Post by bean on Aug 7, 2008 20:57:13 GMT
Hi, dont know why writing today, everything pretty much the same apart from I found Martha had cut another tooth yesterday (3rd one) so explains why she's not been settling, also she was sick today all over the floor and before I saw her she was rubbing it all over almost swimming in it. She had her 7-9 month development check yesterday and is doing everything she should be so pleased about that. Have burns on my hand which didnt mean to do but was drunk so didnt think about hiding it, didnt much care, just wanted to feel the pain and it felt good (I know thats NOT good). I did manage to get us all to the national play day event, didnt think I could but friend said she'd meet me there so I had to go. Walked there and feeling more stressed the closer we got, then it was soo busy I hated it just managed to stay out of the red zone of panic. Found the baby feeding tent and sat away from it all feeding Martha for few minutes, saw support worker from the childrens center there and felt bit better. Was glad when it was time to go home. R rang me on the way home and told me to meet in pub - so drinking again. Its not good! Anyway had a bath with calming aromatherapy and had meds, so hopefully will soon be able to settle. R on full shift and a sleep tomorrow so wont be back until Saturday so need to keep busy, also going to try to write my letter tomorrow night when Im alone, seeing Therapist monday 9am, she agreed to see me earlier caues weve booked a break next week (not very exotic a caravan park next to beach but kids will love). Anyway need to wind down cause absolutely knackered tonight.
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Post by bean on Aug 8, 2008 10:58:16 GMT
Feel dreadful today, sooooo tired just feel like locking myself in bedroom and hiding under the quilt but three kids wont look after themselves will they. Martha had me up at 5am today, managed to cat nap a bit until R went to work but dont feel like Ive had any sleep.
Feeling really panicky too, maybe cause im alone all day, should maybe ring support but dont know what to say, also missd appointment with Psych Nurse yesterday, didnt realise it was Thursday until Corrie wasnt on. He'll probably think Im avoiding him again, should ring really shouldnt I. Feel quite destructive mode coming on again, razor blades looking inviting but I know I cant do anything until kids in bed so hopefully this feeling will have passed by then. Might try drawing tonight how I feel (therapist recommendede this) or writing, been putting that off nearly two weeks now, need to do it. Going to try and feed Martha now and hopefully she will have nap so I can chill for half an hour, just need to switch off, keep going really dizzy today-probably just tiredness.
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Post by monica on Aug 8, 2008 16:44:45 GMT
Hi
How ar eyou doing? Has the urge passed? My bf also works shifts and it can get very lonely especially if you have 3 kids to sort out - pretty exhausting, I imagine. i also find that if I'm tired and anxious my ability to cope with kids goes down the pan and they also play up more.
Re: distraction techniques, have you also tried crosswords sudoku? Maybe come on here, surf the net. I know that can be hard when your mind is not focused on it but possibly might help. There's also samaritans.
Will try and com eon here later to see how you are doing.
Love
monica
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Post by bean on Aug 8, 2008 20:04:33 GMT
Hi Monica, thanks for your kind thoughts. The urge has not passed, getting stronger and stronger, I feel like total shit. Im a useless waste of space who doesnt deserve anything. Poor Martha is teething and i could have drop kicked her through the window, just for screaming, I changed her and was quite rough she bumped herself a bit - this is not like me, I lvoe my kids and would do anything for them, id die for them!!! Ive just had a right go at D and J, I just feel like Im fighting a losing battle. If R read my comments on this site Im sure he wouldnt leave me with them. I feel so guilty, why dont I just go far far away and let them forget about me, I just shit on everyone who tries to help me and throw their kindness back in their face, why do they bother. As for the distractions I dont think anything is going to change how I feel tonight, I am so angry with myself - Jo tried helping and supporting me today (she reminded me of the HALT - Hunger/Anger/Lonliness/Tiredness - all contributing to feeling shit, I just turned it on myself by changing it to Hate/And/Loathe/Tina!!! Why do I always treat people badly, only one person deserves my anger and that is me!!!!!!! Anyway just necked more wine I need to hurt now I cant stop it, I dont particularly want to stop it tonight, I deserve to hurt. I have some sleeping tablets left so hopefully can get some peace.
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Post by monica on Aug 8, 2008 20:34:37 GMT
Hi
Have you told R exactly how you feel? Do tellhim - you need support andnow. Maybe even if he has to work, he could call you. You shouldn't bottle allthis up. Talking to someone can help hugely and make you feel less alone.
I can relate to how you feel. I got PNI after my second child and it was hell on earth forme. I too felt liek a failure, had no patience, couildn't do anything at all, hated the world. But it's not you, I p romise. It took a while for me to accept this but you will too.
Cos you feel so crap you want to lash out at someone, punish someone and the person you're doing that to it you. PNI is such a cruel illness - it robs you of self esteem and belief in yourself. Also being at home and tending to three kids is such hard work. There aren't many people who wouldn't get annoyed at listening to a screaming child especially if you're not well yourself.
Your every waking hour revolves around home and family and there's is rarely any quality 'me' time. In my case, I'm sure it contributed to PNI and going back to work for me really helped recover.
I hoep you have a fab holiday and get some quality time. Where ar eyou going? We've got a week booked off work but nothing planned. Was thinking of Yorkshire by the coast as havne't been there for years. I went to Uni in Hull and would love to go back for the day too. Also Whitby is somewhere I've wanted tdo visit since reading Dracula. Also beaches are supposed to be good. Just have to book somewhere. Any tips gratefully received!!!
Love
Monica
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Post by bean on Aug 9, 2008 9:20:54 GMT
When I am really honest with him it stresses him out and he gets a bit down so better to just "get on with it". Hes off now for week (still on call tonight but not there all night). I managed to get through night with some help from Michelle. We're going somewhere in between Hornsea and Withernsea, not very exotic I know but its got a swimming pool and a bar with things going on for the kids, we went last easter for a break with mum dad and tribe. Kids really enjoyed it, thought it was an adventure. There are a few good ones (haven etc) but theyre really pricey, thats why we going there more in our price range. When you thinking of coming to Hull? We live not that far from University maybe we could meet up or come round for bit.
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