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Post by bean on Aug 20, 2008 20:35:10 GMT
I rang crs but hung up didnt know what to say. So took another zopiclone and went to bed, Martha decided this would be a good time to wake up and become vampire baby, good thing really must havve fallen asleep at some point. Shes feeding loads during the night I dont seem to sleep at all. Today felt like stupid bloody tit - the things I do, its like my brain doesnt work it just focuses on certain things and i cant get out of it, its like a big scribble. Anyway felt queasy all day, really shouldnt havve driven but took joe to get his school uniform things, was on verge of panic in car and shop i thought i would have a crash and this would be payback for last night saying i had thought of driving off the road again. Now i just feel knackered big urge to cut myself but r home tonight i scratched earlier in the bathroom but on my side so you cant see. Im going to bed soon cause had drink earlier and going to have meds earlier i need to shut down. I rang my psych nurse today to get an appointment (was hoping this week) but still waiting fo rhim to ring back. No reason why he should see me cause i missed last appointment but maybe he can see me. I need help at the moment and not many people about missing my mum and dad like mad theyre in Turkey for two weeks. Anyway bed needs me. nite x
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Post by winegirl on Aug 20, 2008 20:39:39 GMT
Hi Hun
I am glad you are getting yourself an early night, it will help you escape the need to hurt...
Thinking of you sweetie and hope you sleep well xx
Take Care
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 21, 2008 19:49:42 GMT
Hi Beany Babe
How are you. So sorry I wasnt around for you last night. Been thinking of you.
Shell
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Post by bean on Aug 21, 2008 19:52:36 GMT
Not feeling good tonight, really on edge, drained and feel like shit. Been to A&E today for stitches in hip - worse than usual, first time completely alone in weeks and I go and do something stupid - great. Said I could stay to see someone from mental health or see cpn tomorrow (I rang him again today and gave me appointment for 4pm tomorrow) - told me to go back if I feel vulnerable or ring crisis. want to have a soak in the bath but I cant. Feel wound up and want to ring someone but dont want to at the same time. confusing f**ing illness isnt it? Going to try sleeping tablets and meds see if they work. Keep thinking about reopening my leg that I did few weeks ago but hubby about and was quite cool when I eventually told him(he was worried where I had gone when he got back with kids from visit to his mums) but wouldnt be if I did it again. Wish i could take a long holiday from this head of mine.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 21, 2008 19:53:36 GMT
Hi Bean
I have posted in your other thread babes x
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 21, 2008 20:09:31 GMT
Oh bean - i am so sorry that you had to have stitches and that you have been feeling so bad. I hate it when others struggle. I dont know what to say. I should do coz im in same situation but i am crap with advice. Im so pleased you got appt with cpn - make sure you go and tell him everything. Reach out for the help and tell them you are struggling big time. Please dont reopen leg wound. You'll end up getting it infected and it wont heal properly. I wish i could have a permanent holiday from my head too - or even better give me a new one.
Shell
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Post by bean on Aug 23, 2008 8:08:50 GMT
Hi Thanks for your messages - tried cheering myeslf up the other night with those piccies of Martha, like I say darent put any of me - cant even look in the mirror without cringing. Feeling fragile still feeling dozy from sleeping tablets last night again. Struggled major yesterday, saw CPN and told him I had thought of driving my car through metal car park fence near department (I think some of my support workers had got there first and called him) so he was glad to see me after hospital too. He has arranged another meeeting with everyone for couple of weeks, said I should maybe see shrink about meds but I said theres no point cause thats what she said last time (at least until Ive completely finished breastfeeding martha) but he said if Im self medicating anyway I need to see her, she wont be happy she didnt want me to have sleeping tablets to start with. CPN said I need time out to myself - told R and he thought he meant to admit me - he didnt just time withoout responsibilities, so told R this and he said anytime i need it I can have it, then he went to pub for three hours leaving me with kids. Had go on wii fit (boxing) to try and feel better but hip really hurting me. Carnival going on today nearby promised kids I would take them with our friend and son, had to cry off karate this morning cause cant risk driving with kids in car. Anyway probably back tonight after relaxing rose wine session with friend.
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Post by bean on Aug 24, 2008 1:12:07 GMT
Oh shit what have I done I think I need to post in muy other thread. I dont want anyone just reading.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 24, 2008 9:43:44 GMT
Bean
I have replied to your PM, but sorry it is late. Are you ok this morning???
WG x
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Post by bean on Aug 24, 2008 19:55:25 GMT
WG - Sorry for putting that on you last night I know it was late. Im ok (just). Thanks for pm. Bean x
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Post by winegirl on Aug 25, 2008 7:37:13 GMT
Hi Bean
No worries, just sorry I keep falling asleep and missing you!
You know where I am x
WG x
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Post by bean on Aug 26, 2008 8:50:35 GMT
Havent been able to get to sleep since weekend, feel like im on some weird alternative reality at the mo. All I could think of last night in bed was getting a razor and slicing through my stomach I nearly got up and cut but hubby downstairs asleep and the last thing I need is for him to come up and catch me. Been thinking when will I next be alone to give in again, I know not good but it did feel good to give in and cut last week, not now though my hip is still killing me where stitches are and cant get comfy in bed. - Its all I can think about today, I know abusing the meds, alcohol and other drugs doesnt help but is sure does knock me out eventually, but not last night. Rang one of my support workers and shes coming to see me this afternoon, also rang psych nurse to speak to cause I dont want to end up in hospital again. I so wish my therapist was about, I know she would be able to help me sort thoughts out a bit. Got to go to get stitches out on friday and they keep hassling me cause my smears been due for ages, but I keep putting it off, I cant handle it at the mo (bad memories of examinations) - I spoke to the nurse about stitches and she thought I had done my wrists so was releaved but I couldnt tell her how panicky i feel about the smear i dont know if i can do it at the moment. I LOATHE MYSELF, IM A NASTY HORRIBLE PERSON WHO DOESNT DESERVE ANYTHING OUT OF THIS LIFE. I thought last night of ending it all I just cant cope all i do is hurt people and let them down. My head is spinning, I need to hurt so badly but joe and martha here (dan slept at his friends last night) I think the only way to get through today until r back is to burn (easier to treat and cover up) If i do it near stitches it will be covered anyway. Need to go be a mum - martha smells stinky and needs me (i keep saying they need me to try and convince myself that they do). Sorry I keep missing you too WG, thanks for your messages.
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Post by nicola1712 on Aug 26, 2008 10:05:52 GMT
Hi bean
Not been on your diary for a while, sorry, but read your last few messages. Not really sure what to say, WG is much better at this than me (!) but just wanted to reassure you that your babies DO need you and DO love you no matter what.
Hope you are having a better day and thinking of you.
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Aug 26, 2008 12:42:53 GMT
Oh bean, I wish you wouldnt be so doen on yourslef and could see how amazing you actually are...
I cant reall talk now as I am sat 2' from my boss, but will be back later.
Sending you huge hugs (())
WG x
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Post by bean on Aug 26, 2008 14:02:00 GMT
WG - Im not amazing at all - weekend has sunk in now, my head is a shed. Just had visit from support worker - she had look at stitches and scratches from today and she said they definately infected, hurting like mad. She also gave "practical" advice re weekend and she is going to help me. to say she was shocked is an understatement, she did agree with you and my friend though (which is what i would say if it was someone else - great at gving advice, not so great at taking it am I? Spoke to psych nurse & he asked why so worked up today, couldnt tell him - told him he would be mad at me, which i know is wrong cause he has never been mad at me its just be who gets angry. Support worker said i cant let this be an "excuse" for cutting any worse though, which is what would probably happen in this head of mine. Got the razor out earlier but managed to put it straight back again, just scratched with needle again few ti mes which is also hurting and bleeding, but wont be seen cause under dressing for stitches. R home soon (half an hour ) so need to get head back into character (robotina). What else is this f***ing illness going to throw at me?
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