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Post by Scarlet on Jul 9, 2008 14:19:11 GMT
Hi Bean, Glad you went to see your therapist yesterday. I know it's difficult to envisage a time when you will be back to 'normal' but it does come, albeit slowly. I was the same, didn't believe a thing anyone said...how could they know?, what if I had something different more serious than others?, this is what I thought.. You will start to believe when you look back at your progress over the coming months. I suppose what Im trying to say is it was good that I used my anxiety in a constructive and not destructive way (that's a first - thinking I did something useful for a change).You sure did hun, and sort of set yourself a little challenge by the sounds of it, and you will be able to do this more and more as you recover...although no doubt it will be hard sometimes. Ended up at the House of Light on Monday, didnt know where else to go, and met Jo and Karen who are really nice, it does sound strange though hearing that they were like me and are so together and confident now, living life. I hear what they are saying too but until I believe it myself I dont think I will change.There's always someone ther to help you Bean, even though it seems you are suffering alone, you are not...this illness affects millions. Glad you went to HOL, hope you found it useful speaking to some ladies who have gone through what you are and come through the other end. I think getting some exercise is a good thing. I'm originally from your neck of the woods hun, and I know there's a few gyms around Hull depending on which part you live. Perhaps there's one with a creche you could join. Your energy levels will increase once you start exercising and you'll get out and about a bit and get out in the 'normal' world for a while, meeting people, which will take your mind of the preoccupation with the PNI. I know it's hard to make that first move, but imo, joining a gym or class would be a lot better than staying in with your Wii. Huge hug, and keep talking to us. xx
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Post by bean on Jul 11, 2008 8:33:28 GMT
Bit shaky today, my PN fit me in for quick appt yesterday cause I needed help before weekend, also very aware Im on my own a night and need to be safe (had very long conversation with Therapist about suicide the other day) so actually told him I needed help for a change. Got through last night anyway and tonight I've asked my friend to come from out of town to have girlie chat and drink, so shes leaving fella and kids and driving down tonight. Looking forward to it cause I need to talk to her.
Im having major flashbacks all the time and cant deal with the feelings these are leaving me with. Yesterday I had to ring school cause was just about to leave house when panic set in and I couldnt get out the door. They were ok but I felt a plonker cause by the time I did get there I was so wound up i felt ready to pass out. I was scared this would happen with kids around so sat and drank water for a bit, then Joes TA offered to walk home with us and said it wasnt a problem - hate being so needy all the time.
I need to be able to turn off from therapy so I can function, dont quite know how to so will speak to her next week. Still no luck in locating WII fit so still lazy mare with bit fat bum.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 12, 2008 7:59:01 GMT
Hi Bean
I used to have to ring LO's nursery to say I was gonna be late as I was crawling on the floor with the anxiety! I used to think it was really embarrasing, but now I am well again all the staff there really like me and we have a good laugh and I know they thought nothing of it.
As for the WiiFit - you thought about ebay??
WG x
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Post by bean on Jul 12, 2008 18:56:45 GMT
I feel sooooooo mixed up tonight - I will try and come back later if I am sober enough! I really feel confused and not good soooo want to hurt myself dont know if I can hold out. Need to eat now.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 14, 2008 7:45:07 GMT
Hi Bean
Sorry wasnt around when you were feeling bad babes. How have things been this weekend and how are you feeling this morning??
WG x
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Post by bean on Jul 14, 2008 12:12:32 GMT
Hi WG, dont apologise for not being there, I know everyone has their own things going on. I spent the morning in bed, just couldnt face getting up and facing the world.
I feel so confused at the moment, so many feelings that I dont know how to cope with. I knew things with the therapist would be difficult but i Feel ive opened pandoras box and all these things, feelings and thoughts are spewing out, my head is near to exploding. Had my friend over Friday, had wine and stayed up til 4am talking, ended up telling her my big dark secret and she was very shocked and angry. Dont think it has really hit me yet what I have done, feel very exposed and vulnerable.
Anyway seeing therapist tomorrow, cant wait, i need soem advice on how to deal with these feelings.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 14, 2008 13:38:46 GMT
Hi Hun
I dont think it was at all good of your friend to react the way she did to your secret!! That sort of behaviour is not helpful from her!!
Therapy can eb a bit like opening Pandora's box at first, but stick with it and it honestly does become worth while hun.
Is there anything we can do to help?
WG x
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Post by bean on Jul 14, 2008 15:45:16 GMT
When I say she was angry - I mean not angry with me, I think it was just a big shock cause she knew the person responsible, she was really supportive too - dont think I worded right on the other message.
Im really struggling today (for a change - will things ever be anything different? - dont think so). I left a message cancelling my therapist appt tomorrow I just cant handle these feelings, I want to close the box , encase it in cement and throw in in the deepest river I can find. I ordered a book she recommended which came today by Penny Parks, she said I might find it helpful - I think it makes things real, as does tellin gmy friend. I just want to switch off my mind and the only way I know how to do this is to hurt (I really want to hurt badly), run away and never come back. I know it is your name so you will appreciate the merits of wine, wine and more wine.
I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up (I know I shouldnt cause i have a wonderful family and friends, but they're not in my head and I am). As for your question WG about anything you can do to help - you're all doing it - I wish I had someone to speak to real-time but I know this is still getting things out, - I just wish it was enough. Thanks for caring. Bean x
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Post by winegirl on Jul 14, 2008 15:51:04 GMT
Hi Hun
If you fancy some real time chat you can always use our chat room? I will be around tonight if you need to talk hun x
And yes, i really do appreciate the merits of wine! Although my dr has just battered me for drinking in excess of 80 units a week so trying not to drink on a weekday at the mo...
You sure you want to cancel that appt tomorrow?..
WG x
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Post by bean on Jul 15, 2008 12:38:22 GMT
f**k f**k f**k fu\k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k fu\k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by winegirl on Jul 15, 2008 14:50:27 GMT
Bean whats going on? You ok? I will pm you...
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Post by bean on Jul 15, 2008 18:27:30 GMT
I need to talk to someone, kids still up at mo, will try and get back when they asleep.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 15, 2008 19:46:10 GMT
I will be around for the rest of the night babes xxx
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 16, 2008 0:14:19 GMT
If you need to speak during the night, I am around as I am on a diff time zone to you - I can so relate to you in a way, let me know if I can help - I have the kids around so am a bit spazmodic but I am here for the next few hours till I goto my social worker app
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Post by winegirl on Jul 16, 2008 7:24:25 GMT
Hi Bean
Didnt manage to catch up with you last night babes. How are you doing this morning??
WG xx
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