talkingincircles Diary

[talkingincircles]

Well today is the day.

Today is the day I go to the GP and have 'the talk' about whether I should go back onto Ad's.

I feel nervous and anxious. I have thoughts of being a failure but I hope this is just the illness talking.
I'm anxious about the uphill struggle ahead. The getting settled on the meds again. The nightmares, sleepless nights...it all lays ahead

Ds is watching wonder pets, and DD is watching DS watching it. I feel they spend far too much time just plonked in front of the TV. Well Ds in front of it with DD on her play-mat.

I worry about how disconnected I have felt from them lately. I worry about the impact this will have on them later in life.
Ds had this with me as a baby as well and now he has to go through it again.

I knew from the beginning I was having up and down days but I thought it was probably fairly normal stuff.
The anxiety (this time) has always kicked in around having both of them together at once. I worry how will I cope? How will I fill the day?

More recently it has got worse. The rainy days haven't helped, leaving me feeling trapped, and as though I've kind of given up on even trying to keep them entertained.
I'm worse when we are stuck at home, nothing planned and cant even get outside to the garden. I'm just counting the hours. I feel like a terrible mother for having these thoughts.
Now the feeling of panic in the pit of my stomach has begun to kick in every morning as well. Even on he days ds is at nursery. You would think I was waking to a day ahead that was filled by some terrible task, like 'work' or an interview. Not the task of looking after my two beautiful children

So hopefully the GP will be understanding. I have seen her before and she seems very nice.

We will see and I will write again afterward.

[sianyc]

I hope it goes well for you at the GP's lovely.

I have 2 years between my two girls and found being at home full time with them awful. I dreaded oh going to work and having 10 hours of childcare stretching out ahead of me. I have a vast Disney dvd collection from the first 2 years of the little one's life! I feel a bit guilty about this now as she's coming up for 3 and is obsessed with dvd's. Ultimately though it was that or totally lose the plot. I NEEDED that time - not to rest or get away from them but I was just incapable of doing anything else and had to have something to entertain them that didn't involve me in any way.

I can honestly say now that I like spending time time with them. Yes they drive me nuts - especially in the school holidays - but I don't dread every minute any more.

T make me feel better about the reliance on tv, I tried to make sure they had fun things to do as well like play doh, puzzles, lego and books. These are things I like doing so weren't so bad to fit into the day. I don't know if it will help but here's a typical day as I remember it now

6.30am get up and get their milk (whether bottle or cup for eldest). Switch on telly
7am Breakfast
7.30am more coffee
8am wash and dress kids
9am shower and dress me
9.30 snack and milk for baby
10am get out for short walk - Post Office, local shop, occasionally park
11am Back to house - coffee and tv
11.30am Books/puzzles
12pm Cook lunch - eldest helps
1pm Naptime for both
2.30pm drink and snack

You get the idea

This was a good day I should add. PNI is an awful illness to have to struggle through. few people understand what it is like to feel this way and yet still have to look after young demanding children. The best advise I can give is to try your best to get out of the house, even to other houses and find toys you like as well so you won't mind playing with them as much.

[larsbars]

Hi talkingincircles,

I hope your docs app went well today. I assume that you have taken meds before as you know what effects they can have on you but if you got better before then you know it will happen again. Just hang in there.

I first got PNI after my second baby was born. After I had my first I was more stressed out because I couldn't get out of the house some days but it soon got better and she was a very placid baby so I could fit her in around my life. After my son was born he was a different baby. He was a lot more demanding, Dasiy was only 18 months and it hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I used to dread trying to look after 2 babies. One was ok but I wasn't very good at being torn in two directions so found it realy hard. I was still trying to go about my life as before so it took a long while for me to realise that I couldn't have a perfect house all of the time with all of the washing and ironing done and I couldn't always look immaculate. I did find though that when Jamie could sit up and started to crawl that he became a lot more independent and I felt a bit freer (sp) to get on with things for myself. How old are your LO's??

Never feel guilty about letting your LO's watch tv. Mine always watch it and they learn so much. If it keeps the quiet for a while and you less stressed then that's a good thing. You can always go out and about and entertain them in other ways but when you need some time to yourself at home don't worry about it. You are not a terrible mother either. I used to dread getting up in the morning thinking that I had all of this time to kill till OH came home but it has got a lot better now. Don't feel guilty about your thoughts. Even women without PNI wish away the hours out of boredom so you are part of the majority in that one.

Let us know how you get on with the docs.

x

[talkingincircles]

Thankyou sianyc and larsbars

- i think half the battle for me has been I am just not good in the house with them.
I feel terrible saying this but I find 'playing' with my son difficult. I have Always found this to some extent but it got worse with no 2.
My daughter is 5 months and my son is 3.5 and has dropped his sleeps- my daughter has never been a day sleeper just a napper. So there is no break during the day
I have got out 'a lot' with them, but its like I hit a brick wall last couple of weeks. (there are some personal issues involved with this too I suspect.
I waited so long to have my babies (Im now 40) and always wanted deep in my heart to be at home with them nurturing them through their fromative years.
It has come as a shock that I cant do it, and that I do want to go back to work next year
LArsbars- you really helped with your post thankyou, its like you were giving me permission to be easier in myself.
I am lucky really as my baby girl is very placid- just very alert and active-.
Yes I admit boredom is a key thing and I havent wanted to admit it.
This is a lot different to the first time. The first time was worse in a way, as it was like I was in a fog and didnt enjoy my son as a baby much at all. I loved him but the anxiety about his wellbeing got in the way of enjoyment. He was an SBCU baby so probably why. I didnt akcnowlede the boredom thing to myself at all last time. It got better when he could do stuff IYKWIM.


SO....yesterday. Doctor was lovely. She offered me general counselling for the other problems Im experiencing atm.
Offered me a call from HV. The councelling has a six month waiting list though
Will have to see about private counselling again.
The gp also put me on sertraline (as I was on this with ds and got on well with it).
I cried in front of the Gp and felt like I said too much about my situation and then felt afterwards. I couldnt stop thinking about it and how th GP must have thought what a drip.
Ive started on 50mg. I took my first this am, hated taking it, hated the thought of taking it. But I did and I feel better strangely this afternoon, although probably because we got out this morning and posted a long overdue package so felt we achieved something.
But I also got my period this am and thought for a minuite maybe Im cooking all this up for myself now....think that was me trying to talk myself out of taking the tablet though.
Got to go as ds wants to play outside and is pulling me away.
I will post more later...think this helps and will be good to look back on

[littlelotty]

Hi

You are not s drip - you have an illness and you need some extra help and support at the moment. Just think if you had a medical illness would you be feeling like this??? Thats what I decided - I need some help in the same way others do who have medical illness.

I am glad the diary is helping - it really helped me to see patterns in the month and I was certainly worse on and around my period so you are doing really well to be coping at the moment.

Also have you heard of Homestart??? They could offer you support and come and help out and help play with your son. I have then and they are fantastic.

Take Care

Littlelotty
xx

[talkingincircles]

Thankyou Little Lotty

I have heard of home start but not sure what they do. Is it that they are teaching you how to play with LO or support?
The thing with it all coinciding with my period, is that I am convincing myself that it was that that was affecting my mood and not PNI. I obviously REALLY dont want to be taking these tablets.

[talkingincircles]

So it is pm and the LO's are in bed. Thankgod they are both good night sleepers.
The side effects are starting to kick in and I have nausea and feel very muzzy. Also the anxiety is a bit worse. The muzziness really started this evening.

My period pains have also kicked in at the same time....so not great. Think this is because it is the first Proper period I have had since missy was born.
I am convincing myself this was all a hormonal blip and Im not ill really and that's why my head is muzzy because the tablets too strong and my feel good receptors were doing just fine on their own THANKYOU.....anyway we will see how it goes.

Im not looking forward to tonight as last time I had some REALLY wacky dreams the first few nights. We are talking hallucinogenic stuff, and it scared me quite a bit. But it did only last a couple of nights so at least I know it is very temporary.

Today was all in all a better day. The morning was very shaky but the post office trip boosted me and we had lunch in town.
Missy had a sleep for two hours :-0. She has done that last two days now. I tried to coax PFB (precious first born) into the garden, but he needed a number two (holds them in at times till he turns into a kangaroo on speed)and so wasnt having any of it.
He finally went just before Missy woke up and so we managed a trip to the park too.

We had an ice-cream first and then PFB played on the slide and then we fooled around a bit in the grass on the way back to the car. It felt good to chase him and tonight he is shattered and ready for sleep.

I noticed though how bossy and stressed I am with him. I really want to make a goal to stop interacting with him in such a negative way, its always stop that, dont do that, dont do this.
I have an overwhelming urge to control him. Not just him but the situation. I was anxious today that he wasnt eating his Ice cream fast enough and that it might melt and get all over him FFS!!! I do need to obviously for his saftey, but I also need to learn to relax a little too.
I think this must be why he's so particular about everything :-(.
I know only too well the damage of constant criticism to a little person and I dont want to wreck his self esteem just because Im a stressed out old bag that cant cope...
I am writing this because I need to and want to change it desperately.

PFB will only go to bed with me not his dad and hope his clingyness is because he is insecure with the new arrival and not because he has felt and/or still does feel I reject him.
I haven't intentionally, but I know I can be emotionally somewhere else...especially when I get on the net too much or want to be alone with my thoughts.

Anyway thats enough for now. I will write again tommorrow.

[littlelotty]

Hi

Glad you have had a pretty good day. I also find that my periods are the worse but I know that I just cant take meds at period time and that I need them for the rest of the month as well so see how it goes.

Homestart are so good, they offer support in what ever way you need really. Have a look at their website www.home-start.org.uk/

If you speak to your health visitor she will be able to make a referral for you, they really are there for you to help you.

I hope you are able to get some rest and have a good nights sleep.

Take care

Littlelotty
xx

[sianyc]

I spend half my life saying don't do that. take that out of your mouth, stop that etc etc. I console myself by telling myself that it'll make them well behaved. It seems to have worked with the eldest (almost 5) as she's now obedient in school and for whoever is babysitting her.

lol about the ice cream - know exactly what you mean as I do that - good excuse to share it with them I think. One of sil has a major issue with food mess on her 2 kids and has made the 3 year old paranoid about dirt and even getting his clothes wet - he won't even puddle jump when she's around.

Part of it with me is not wanting anyone else to think that they're badly behaved or I can't control their behaviour when really I should think sod them

[elspeth]

Hi

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the mo, I just restarted back on meds - like you I really didnt want to go on them, but it got so bad (esp around PMT time) that I was scared for myself and the family. I know It isnt easy with 2 young ones, I used to be a bit paranoid about them getting messy (I blame my mum for that) but now I figure it gets washed at the end of the day and wet wipes are good inbetween. It is hard not to stress around them and I think its a natural reaction, I am sure if you discuss it with you HV she might be able to help you find a solution - when I lived in the UK I foundt hem very helpful
xx

[larsbars]

Hi talkingincircles,

I totally understand what you mean about getting bored at home with LO's. I have always wanted children and couldn't wait to be a stay at home mum. Unfortunately I don't find it stimulating enough and find it hard to actually sit down and play with them. I'm either trying to get the housework done or getting on with other things I have been meaning to do. I would save these things til the evening but am usually too knackered by then. I saw a cousellor once who told me that motherhood just isn't enough for some women and I totally think that is me. I do find that going out t toddler groups and meeting up with friends also helps. It means that I get out of the house for change of scenery and can't be distracted by chores. I also joined the committee of one of the groups that I go to so have to do 'grown up' things sometimes which keeps the old grey cells alive. I also like to do crosswords and sudoku to keep my brain active. Don't feel bad about it though. It doesn't make you a bad mother in slightest. So many women feel the same.

I'm glad that your doc is on side. It does help immensely to feel that you have their support. My PNI definitely came on with my second period after no.2 was born. I had a very light period first and felt a little bit more stressed then normal then the next period was so heavy it was like the hormones hit full speed ahead. Although I am a lot better than I was I still find the time of the month is my worst time ans I believe it is for a lot of the ladies on this site. Try to stick in there with the tablets. You don't have to take them for the rest of your life but they will help you on your way to getting better. Think of them like a crutch. If you broke your leg you wouldn't struggle on without crutches just to prove you could do it so it's the same with the meds.

xxx

[talkingincircles]

Hi...once again thanks for all your lovely replies. It does help to feel like you are not alone with things and others feel/experience the same/similar stuff.

I feel fairly low again today. Which is why I will not write much. I am forcing myself to write this and I feel bad as I wanted to write longer replies to you lovely ladies.

I want to get out of the house and force myself to do a couple of things which desperately need doing and then, hopefully come back and write some more this afternoon.

Overall the last few days Friday-sun had been fairly positive and I would like to write about them too so I remember the positive stuff.
This morning though I just woke with the sledghammer feeling in my gut...anxiety...and despite having got up got me and the dcs dressed and ds off to nursery, it still lingers.

I had to ring the doctor this am as dd has had green poo ever since starting the sertraline so that makes me feel bad and guilty too, although I tried to talk myself through this on sunday, today the gp confirmed it probably is the tablets.
We have to see if it settles down in the next few days.

Anyway I will sign off now. It is far to hot to be sat here and Im hoping a trip to town will help.

[elspeth]

A sledgehammer is a good description, its always amazes me just how much it hurts,
hope your feeling better
xx

[larsbars]

Hi talkingincircles,

Do you find that anxiety is related to monday morning. I tend to find that if I do feel funny it is on a Mon morning. Part of me is glad to get back into a routine but the other part dreads the fact that I have the whole week to go before I can get some proper me time again. It does get better though and I know I am nowhere near as bad as I was.

Take care x

[talkingincircles]

Larsbars- i think it is the thought of the week stretching ahead of me.

Currently (not always) the weeks are long ones as hubby is having to do six days. I think that was the other component of me hitting a wall last week. Period (just like you described in your post) and hubby announcing would have to work saturday AND was then going out sat evening = meltdown.(He didnt go out in the end by the way he was pretty supportive when he realised what was going on.)

I also I think im overwhelmed with loneliness on a monday. Ds goes to Nursery, hubby goes to work. It was a really lovely family day on Sunday.
On a monday the struggle seems all uphill. Monday and Tuesday are the easier days as ds is at nursery and the days I dread wed-sat, entertaining two with completely different needs. It requires energy (mental and physical) which I just dont have atm.

Having said that when Hubby works six days, I wake on a Sunday and think 'when do i actually get a break?' . Its like a feeling of deflation. Ds still wants me to do everything for him and cries if his dad tries to do it and dd is still breastfed.
It is easier of course but thats how I feel when I wake and I try and shake it off by getting out as a family.

Elspeth-where abouts in australia are you? I lived in Sydney for six years and had ds there.
I think that is another thing which makes things tough. Having moved here only 2 years ago it has been really tough going making friends.
I admire you coping with 4 children, when I am struggling with two.