larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jul 28, 2008 19:54:17 GMT
Hello....
Yeah I totally understand all that you have said. I have both of mine from mon-fri. Mon and tues morning we go to toddler groups but when I feel bad I really don't want to go home in the afternoons so i just stay out. I either go somehwere cheap for lunch and meet up with a friend of pack some sandwiches and go to the park or the local soft play. By the time weds comes I'm usually relaxing a it as the weekend is coming but then come sat my OH usually does jobs around the house and needs me to entertain the kids...great! He doesn't realise that I am usually sick of entertaining by then but as long as he gets his jobs done then it's ok!!!! I did tell him this and he told me that I have to tell him when I want a break and then he will look after them....this is something that I am not good at. I tend to bottle things up. It then get's to sunday and I don't want to waste our time together as a family so want to get out wherwas OH usually just wants to lounge around the house as he's knackered from the week....I'm usually sick of the sight of it by then! I do moan and then we go out and he enjoys himself!
Sorry for harping on about me but I do understand where you are coming from. Could you get out to a toddler group while your other LO is at nursery. I know it's only a couple of hours but I look forward to it and have made loads of new friends.
x
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Post by talkingincircles on Jul 28, 2008 20:11:00 GMT
So what can I write about today.
It started very badly. Well the anxiety was bad. The anxiety is paralysing at times. I dont really know how you differentiate between normal depression and PNI, but if it wasnt for my kids I wouldnt get out of bed thats for sure, today I would have stayed under the duvet depsite the sunshine. I know this because pre-kids and pre H, this is exactly what I have done in the past.
The end of last week felt better. Maybe it was the release of having told someone I wasnt coping. Maybe the initial doses of sertraline did something, but if so that has now peaked and passed.
So Thursday I finally got into town at 11ish, the mornings are always slow. Ive let ds get away with it for a while now, the whole coming downstairs before showering, having his breakfast on his lap in front of the TV. I have a coffee and sit at the computer. Its esacpism, and I know it is but it is like an addiction I need. Check all the things I 'need' to check and feel a sense of loss when it is finished. My little bit of me time gone. I then say to ds shower time, and off we go. We are always close to getting the day really started after he is showered an dressed. You can tell a good day from a bad day by the time we achieve this. On a really really bad day, not even the showering and the dressing are aturning point
We did a shop, two of them in the trolley...ds wanted to get out but I said no. Why? Because I didnt want to think too much, and if he got out it would mean the constant checking, answering questions, asking ds to come back close to me instead of running off. I didnt have the energy for that. He wasnt happy.
We went for lunch after, and thankfully I got talking (somehow) through ds' chatter and showing off of kung fu panda to a couple of older ladies and that made me feel better, just that little bit of adult interaction felt good.
Im so self concious at the moment, I feel like I look hideous. I saw the lady that used to manage ds' nursery in the cafe as well and avoided eye contact, she has a baby similar age and she looks amazing, 'glowing'. I look like a bag lady. The most I manage each day is to scrap my greying hair back in a bunch, no make up and still in my pg clothes.
I never lost the weight after ds, and Im doing nothing to shift the next top up of weight added by dd. I hate it.
This is what makes me ambivelent about giving up the BF. On one hand I love BF her, on the other I think I could excercise and diet properly and I wouldnt feel guilty about the current hideous situation with the green poo. It feels hideous at the moment anyway, even though dd doesnt seem bothered in the slightest. In the next moment I feel guilty for even contemplating it...I BF ds for a year, why shouldnt I give dd the same, plus it has gotten so easy, and I compare that to the constant round of washing and sterilizing bottles.
Saturday I drove all the way to birmingham to see my friend D. She is my best friend and I have known her since uni. And yet I couldnt tell her. I just feel embarrassed. She is an ex psych nurse and would probably understand but I just couldnt do it. I have not told her I have cut contact with my parents either. There is never a good moment to go into any of that. D lives 1.5 drive away, but Id rather do the drive than spend the day alone. Saturdays are the worst for me (if H works). Any activities for kids happen in the week, and I imagine women like myself whose husbands work a saturday are visiting their families, their sisters,brothers, mum and dad. I guess it makes me sad just thinking of that. Anyway it was a lovely day at Ds house, and we took the kids including D's youngest to a park, and I let ds play in a stream 'barefoot' which he loved. I felt anxious but it was good for his confidence. He also loved playing football with Ds older boys and her H outside afterwards. He was so chatty and dare I say 'bossy' which makes me think I must be doing something right for him to be able to interact so confidently at 3.5yrs. So it was a good day, but I was shattered driving back (couldnt cope stopping over, made me too anxious trying to work out what I would bring , and how we would all sleep in a strange house etc).
Dcs went straight to bed when we got home...and I wasnt far behind them.
Sunday was a good day. H was home and he gave me two extra hours in bed. I felt guilty taking them though.
We got out to a safari park afterwrds and ds loved it, although he preferred the rides more than the animals, even more than the monkeys! Once again I saw his confidence and felt happily reassured as I worry all the time my illness knocks his self esteem (second time for him).
So today? Well its a monday, and its been unbearably hot, but I got what I needed to done which is good. I need to find a way of interacting more with dd on the days we spend together. I feel flashes of feeling more in the moment with both my children and wish I could just stay with it intstead of needing to move away again. Its so sad.
Im sorry if this reads so negatively it wasnt meant to be, its the nature of the beast I guess. I still dont think Ive got anywhere near to the bottom of my feelings. I find that hard. I'm very disconnected from my emotions generally. Im hoping this will help. If not immediately. Eventually.
They say we parent as we were parented. I really want to break that cycle if I can but Ive had to admit I need some help getting there.
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Post by talkingincircles on Jul 28, 2008 20:17:35 GMT
Hi larsbars,
You are not talking about yourself, you are sharing! I learn from your posts, maybe you learn something from mine. Yes I relate to all you have written. It is August now so all the things here have finished for a few weeks for the summer, but yes I think I do need to get out and do something just for me and dd on a monday. I will start to look for something, I was thinking of taking her swimming as thats some thing I enjoy, but in a class so as to meet people. Perhaps I could combine that with a M&baby grp as well.
'when I feel bad I really don't want to go home in the afternoons so i just stay out. I either go somehwere cheap for lunch and meet up with a friend of pack some sandwiches and go to the park or the local soft play'
Yep this is me too. Is it bad to not want to go home? Or is this partly normal do you think?
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Post by winegirl on Jul 28, 2008 20:23:35 GMT
Hi Hun
I dont think your diary reads negative at all!! I think there are lots of ups and downs, and it is great that you have managed to identify all the good times too!
I know what you mean about beng disconnected from your emotions as I am like that too, and ts hard for people to understand. But since getting better from the PNI iI have managed to understand and show my emotions a bit more than I ever did before PNI! (every dark cloud and all that...)
I too want to break the cycle of parenting as I was parented, and think that if you can identify where your parents went wrong with you its a great start to doing things differently with your own children.
Hope you get more ups this week hun and you manage this stifling weather!!
Take Care
WG xx
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 29, 2008 12:11:43 GMT
Send me some of that heat!! I find writing all that stuff down does help me - I hope it helps you too hugs E xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jul 29, 2008 22:03:46 GMT
Hello....
I suffered with depression before I had my LO's but nowhere near as severe as I have had with PNI. I would really struggle to get out of bed and used to kind of hibernate. I think that is why PNI is SO much harder because the idea is to relax and not stress yourself out and do nice things for yourself but it is very hard to do this with kids around so I feel that we have a 100 times harder. I guess though that the fact we have kids does make us get up and get on with things even if we do get up and look and feel; like absolute crap sometimes.
On the days that I don't go to toddler groups our day tends to start at middayish. I get up with the kids, go downstairs...we have breakfast....I then have a cup of tea and watch a bit of telly while they run riot around me with their breakfast going everywhere and nappies around their knees. I do feel a bit slobbish but then remember that this is my 'job' and I'm my own boss so I don't need anyone telling me how to do it. If it helps to ease me into the day then I'm not gonna worry. You deserve your me time so grab it whenever you can...you'll feel better for it. I do sometimes jump straight into the shower before I go downstairs. I leave LO's in my room watching telly. For me the big hurdle is getting myself done so if I am showered already the daunting task of getting us ready after breafast doesn't seem quite so bad.
I totally understand the shopping trolley fiasco. My little girl starts off walking but then I get so fed up of telling her to hurry up and stop touching that I end up plonking her in the trolley. I usually then go round Tescos plying them both with food that I have opened up off of the shelf. This buys extra time. We then I have a bit of singing and I try get my daughter to help me find things on the shelf. Sometimes I totally don't feel like it and I want them both to shut up and not talk at all but it's kind of impossible.
Dn't worry about what other people think of you either. I used to work 9 to 5 in an office...I'd have my hair perfect and make up immaculate and always be dressed nice in heels. Now...I live in flip flops or trainers, my make up is a quick slick of powder, blusher and mascara and my hair (unless I've been able to wash and staighten it) is usually a greasy mess. Do you know what......I couldn't give a monkeys! I've started to look at all of the other mum's at toddlers. Hardly any of them wear make up....they all seem to have patches of some bodily fluid adorning their clothing and their hair is mostly tied back. It's funny though because although there are people from all walks of life there (engineer, single mum, scientist, musician, housewife etc) we all have one thing in common....we're mothers. We all know exactly how the others are feeling and what they are going through. There are, though, the annoying skinny women who look radiant without make up and their hair seems to just fall into place naturally but you will always get that. You never know though but under the fascade they could be struggling like we are...some people are just very good at hiding it...!
I wouldn't worry about yur weight at all at the moment. It probably seems like ages away for you but by the time your DS is 1 it will fly by. You will have so much time to diet and excercise. You are a women who has not long had a baby so no-one expects you to be skinny. As for the breast feeding.....I'm not an expert...I didn't do it because of meds although I have now found out that I could have done but when I look at my 2 LO's running around together...I can't see how they would be any different. They are both very happy and healthy children. I used to make all of my daughters food until she was eating ours but when I had my son I just didn't seem to have the time or energy. I felt so bad about it at the time but now it's not an issue. He's no different to her. If you do decide to give up the breast feeding your daughter won't remeber that you didn't do it til she was 1 and she probably won't care so try not to beat yourself up about it. Is there any chance that you could do 50/50.
I'm glad you got over to your friends out. We so need our friends and the adult interaction don't we. It just reminds me that there is life after children and I do have something to look forward to. I's nice that she has children that your can play with. Btw...I don't visit my family on a saturday. They live about half an hour away so not too far away....I've uaully got some errands to run or am twiddling my thumbs as to waht I can do while OH is doing DIY!
It does take a whole for things to get start getting better again but try not to worry about having PNI. Accept that you have it and that you WILL get better and kind of go with it for the time being. Get through the day how you can and don't do anything you are not happy with. The feeling of being in the moment with life in general will come back to you and the fact that you are having flashes of it proves that. You are a brilliant mum because you look after your LO's. That's what mummys' are for. OUr LO's won't be pleased that the house was immaculate when they were growing up or that you looked like a beauty queen...they just want you.
I've gone on a bit but just wanted to address all of your points.....you can wake up now...lol x
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Post by talkingincircles on Jul 30, 2008 8:55:57 GMT
HI Larsbars
Thankyou so much for your post. It was really helpful. It helps to know Im not alone, part of the problem is I guess just that. I especially liked the bit about being your own boss. I was imaganing you sipping your tea and your LO's running around laughing and it felt like a lovely happy scene, with lots of warmth and comfort. Not slobish at all. I think maybe I am very hard on myself. That is my nature, it is hard to break lifetime habits. I think Ive avoided the mum and baby groups because my ds is 3.5 and I thought he would be too old, I went to one and he was definately too old for that. Allthough I could go with just dd now she is a bit bigger.
___________________________________________________________ Today is a very bad day for anxiety. I have showered and dd is sleeping and ds is eating is breakfast but still I am gripped by anxiety....Its so bad today i feel nausea with it. I am sipping tea (I never drink tea! must have been larsbars post) as I thought it might be more calming than coffee. Its not working.
I had an asthma attack last night (first since the pg). The pg brought my asthma on badly, as Id never had a proper attack before becoming pg with dd, just wheezing from time to time . I always thought I got the asthma because of being in oz for 6 years, now I think I would have got it anyway and it has been worse over here.
Thank god I had all my puffers, It took all three to stop it. I could feel myself panicking and I had to sit up and try and calm myself down as I knew I was making it worse.
It never felt like this with ds, anxiety over his wellbeing yes, but not just random blind panic in the morning.
Yesterday was similar. I had my postnatal group in the afternoon (havent been for 3 weeks now). There are 5 of us but I feel I havent really connected with anyone. We never meet up outside of the tuesdays and everyone seems very lax about those meetings now anyway.
I also had the HV at 1.30 so I rang and said I would go to my PN grp late. It got cancelled and all I felt was relief at not having to go. I just couldnt be bothered to go and put a front on. Pin on my Happy face.
The HV came and it was quite good to talk to her. I started to cry and she sat next to me and put her arm around me and I froze. I hate talking about my feelings to people. I hate people seeing me vulnerable. Goes back to my childhood I guess. She asked about the pre school nursery place I got for ds which was thurs and friday mornings. I said I hadnt followed it up. I could kick myself. Its a really popular spot inside the school I want for him. I arranged it all and took ds down for a session (when I was well I was so pro-active!) and then..... I just didnt follow it up.
My reasoning doesnt even make much sense now but I was convinced I should be able to cope , that Id be back at work next year and that I should spend as much time with ds as I could. felt that with that and private nursery I was short changing him somehow, him having to learn two different routines, and not being at home so much with me and dd would he feel pushed out.
The HV suggested I call and try and retrieve the spot, but the term has finished and there is no answer. I sent a text message. I feel so daft over this, it would have taken a huge pressure off me having him there two mornings a week.
I am so anxious I am finding it hard to focus enough to type. I know what I want to write about but I cant bring myself to. The immense overwhelming sadness I have over my family situation. I dont want to write about it, I need to talk about it but there is no-one to talk to. I feel DH has had enough hearing about it. All I feel is anger and resentment toward him at the moment anyway. I feel like he just doesnt see whats happening to me. Its as though he thinks I will just snap out of it. I dont think he thinks of me as ill.
I will have to write later. I thought this might help but I dont think it is. I dont know what else I can do. Im starting to worry wether these tablets will work at all as currently if anything I feel worse. I dont know how I will get through today. I feel like calling dh and begging him to come home.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 30, 2008 14:39:55 GMT
Hi Hun
The tablets can initially make you feel worse. I was prescribed the meds for the anxiety and started having really random panic attacks and the anxiety went mad. But after about two weeks it started to ease off and then I started slowly getting better.
I still suffer a little with the anxiety these days, mainly in the mornings, and this is a typical time of day for anxiety sufferers to be at their worse. I promise though it does get better.
As for drinking tea – don’t! The caffeine in it really can make your anxiety worse so try and go for herbal tea (camomile etc) instead…
How are you feeling this afternoon hun??
WG xx
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Post by talkingincircles on Jul 30, 2008 14:57:45 GMT
Winegirl-Thanks I am feeling better this afternoon and a little (blush emoticon). I was SO stressed and anxious this morning that I forgot to take the tablet. I take it at 9am and as I was writing could feel myself getting worse and worse. It was like a crescendo building-quite scary-Then I went into the kitchen and thought Id count the tablets, it was 10.30- and I hadnt!
I started to feel better an hour or so later and as the day progresses better still. Phew- DDs green poo has stopped too.
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Thought Id write that my back ache has returned. Upper back- have had problems with muscle tension pretty much since dds birth. Doctor confirmed it was stress and tension. It com0pletely disappeared for the first time at the end of last week, but it has returned again today. I also realise(after reading others diaries) some other strange thoughts may also have been this illness creeping on. Strange thoughts about someone getting into the house and getting to dd or ds. Despite the heat I insist on dh closing ds' windows before he goes to bed. I remember a while back walking in the park and ds went off with dh, and left me walking with dd, it was very closed off with bushes and trees either side and all I could think was what if someone came out and attacked me. I really never knew this can be part of the illness.
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Post by talkingincircles on Jul 31, 2008 15:19:25 GMT
So I am now week one of starting Ads. I think the anxiety was slightly less this morning, but still bad. I was very brave today as I had a playdate arranged in the morning for ds, and as much as I wanted to cancel I didnt. I managed to do a quick tidy up before hand and usually I am fanatical about what people will think of me and my mess. So I tried not to let it stress me because usually it does overwhelm me. The playdate was ok, but hard work. I didnt feel like making conversation plus its hard to when Im running between ds (when he starts whining about friend having this toy) and then dd, needing nappy change/feeding. Our visitor only has one and I find myself wistful of those days. I find dd easier to deal with than ds. DD is so placid and in the beginning it was hell because she had reflux and colic and NEVER slept, and then she slept in the night a bit and now she still doesnt sleep much during the day but is such a happy content little thing. I feel guilt that when we are all together she doesnt get the attention she deserves. Yesterday afternoon I tried to sit down and do some arts and crafts with ds. I do find it stressful because when I do this he seems to get MORE demanding. We made pirate finger puppets and I dont know how many times I had to say we have to let them dry first before we can play with them. He just kept asking and throwing tanties each time he got the same response. Then he broke a piece of a pirate hat and you would think the world had ended. I try not to take over but despite me encouraging him he says ....'you do it, you do it....' by the end of it I just feel like going Arrrrrrrggggggggggg!!!!!!! I find dealing with him at 3 more difficult than as a 2 for some reason. He seems more demanding or maybe I notice it more because I have more than him to deal with now. I try to keep my temper, but I feel it rising and sometimes I do snap at him. I do apologise afterwards (for the shouting). My shoulders and upper back are aching again today so there lies all my tension again. I find this time of day hard its a slog for me from 4-bedtime. And this is where it gets really tough for me because I feel like having battled bravely through most of the week I STILL have two more days to go. My relationship is dreadful atm . I have given up trying to talk to dh over the last few evenings. It feels like he doesnt want to hear anything bad so I say nothing. He knows how bad Ive been and yet he hasnt even phoned and it is now 4pm. He has no idea that I am falling apart from the inside out, at least thats how it feels. I am realising through all of this that he likes to bury his head and ignore my anger, its as if he thinks if he ignores it, it will disappear. I think he feels if he ignores the fact Im ill it will go away. I feel like the only break I ever get is the two hours between when they go to bed and when I do. Thats all I can think to write atm. I feel a sigh from within and I want to say two more days to go. Almost.
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Post by talkingincircles on Aug 1, 2008 7:59:45 GMT
Anxiety really bad again this morning, I think I will make an appointment for the GP a week early. Im on 50mg and maybe I need to go higher, or maybe they still arent fully working. I dont know but all I know is I felt sick with anxiety again this morning and I lay there feeling it building and building. The thought of starting the day is definately a trigger as Im sure when I woke at 6 to feed dd it wasnt as bad. Probably because I know I could put her back for an hour as ds wasnt awake, but then as I lay there thoughts swirling, it all seems to kick in. We are all washed and dressed now so it doesnt seem quite as bad. I have to take ds for a haircut today which will force us out early. The postnatal group was rearranged for today, this afternoon but I just cant face it not with bringing ds as well so I will probably cancel. It looks like a nice day so hopefully I can coax ds into the garden. He always seems dead set against the garden when I want to use it to take the pressure off. We have nothing for tea tonight Ive just realised so another thing to deal with. I normally shop online but have not been able to do this much for a few weeks now, relying on whtas in the freezer, sending dh back out and quick shops when I feel I can. My shoulder and back pain isnt as bad today and Im wondering if the thought of the playdate did increase my stress and maybe I should monitor when it comes on. Barely spoke to dh last night. I was shattered by 8.30 and all I wanted was bed. I guess its good Im getting to bed earlier and falling asleep earlier but its not doing much for me and dh getting a chance to talk. This morning he did help out a bit with the dcs but ds just wants me all the time, it seems to send him into meltdown when dh tries to get him up and ready.
Anyway better go and take my tablet now dont want a repeat of the other day when I forgot.
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Post by sianyc on Aug 1, 2008 10:52:38 GMT
Hey
My Oh works on Saturdays so I've always had my two on my own for the day. It's very lonely isn't it? We moved to be closer to my family so we'd have more support but really I feel like I'm imposing when I try to visit on a Saturday. My sister's stepson is too old to find my two any company and too young to look after them. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for him and other times I think ' suck it up honey, she's their auntie and I'm sick of being in my house alone'. My mum and stepdad do an afternoon schol run each for me so I don't like to take up too much of their weekend then. God this is turning into the woes of Sian......
The way you feel about the time with your kids changes as you get better. It goes from dreading each minute and begging oh to come home to them getting on your nerves, being told off and that not ruining your whole day. I now have some fab days with them on my own which I just couldn't imagine having a year ago. I was just going through the motions, doing things with them that I felt I should be doing
I hope you make your group this afternoon x
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Post by talkingincircles on Aug 2, 2008 14:02:29 GMT
Hi Sian,
I hope I get those days sooner rather than later. My biggest fear is I will be back at work in 6months and full of regret for not having enjoyed my time with them. Anyway yes Im sure I just 'imagine' mums visiting with 'their' mums. I have a terrible relationship with mine and so its an area I dwell on maybe too much
Thanks for the support
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Post by talkingincircles on Aug 2, 2008 15:08:28 GMT
Today has been a very bad day. being alone in the house all day is definately a trigger for me. I thought I could just relax about it, but it just gets to me so much. I feel like Im just not capable of having a normal day alone with them in the house. It is especially around ds, he has been so good today and has played independantly for most of the day in his toy room. I helped put his racing track together and then we raced his cars for about 20 mins. I then got a coffee and came back and chatted to him. I can see how much he loves the interaction but I just want to run away and I dont know why? I feel so sad about this. Maybe I am just to selfish and self absorbed to give of myself as I need to. I end up just keep hoping on line its like an addiction but it is just the real need to have adult contact. I dont know why I am like this? Is it all part of the illness? Is it normal, does everyone feel this way? Yesterday turned into a really good day. It was because we got out early for ds' hair cut, then met a friend for coffee and then I forced myself to the postnatal group. I did get really flustered at the group because ds was getting a bit bossy with the host and dd was overtired and wouldnt stop crying in the end. I could feel myself getting hotter and sweating and felt like they were all looking at me thinking she's a second time mum she shouldnt be this flustered. All in all though I cope better when I have not been left alone in the house. Its so odd. Isnt it? The problem is its catch 22 because I sometimes cant face getting them both out and then start stressing about where we will go etc. especially when it rains like today. Better go dd is crying. Wish I could make better sense of myself.
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Post by bean on Aug 2, 2008 19:13:16 GMT
Hi - it sounds like you are doing so well - you get out and about I admire you for this. Thanks for your kind words. Take care Bean x
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