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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 12, 2009 13:57:36 GMT
Hi ladies,
Just when i think i'm getting better something comes around! Isnt it always the same?
As i say i have a problem. I am close friends with another guy, who is also mates with my OH. He worked with him so for a long time I have known his thro staff nights etc, but over the past 5yrs mostly,we have become good friends.
Two nights ago he called me. Nothin overly unual to be honest, he does from timeto time. He first started sounding a bit abrupt. Saying he needed to ask me something. He asked me if I thought he was gay. Now this lad, is what we we would call sweet, he is very feminine, the pink clothes the ever so precise hair, very skinny, and just sort of gay. u know what I mean. And when asked I hesitated, with shock i supose. He then pursued me and i said yes, probably. i immediately regretted it. I backtracked and said I wasnt sure if he was actually sexually gay or just his mannerism. Everyone talks about it, I did wonder at times if he just hasnt admitted it to himself.
Anyway the convo continued and he turned quiet. Eventually, after some calming him down, he told me he couldn't be. I asked, why and he very quietly said, because I love you. I straight away replied and i love you too darling but I still think ure sort of gay. Its nothin unusual for us to talk like this, i do love him, but not 'love'. He stopped me and said, well actually I do love u, i replied the same then eventually the penny dropped. I felt like a twit! i asked him what he meant and he said ever since that night he has always had feelings for me and only for my OH has he never said before. 'That night' was a very long time ago, about 6yrs i reckon, b4 I had the boys. I was a bit of a lady, i admit and my Oh and i both knew this, although he never knew about him, or any of them directly to be honest but he knew I wasnt 'perfect', neither was he back then.
I promised him, i'd not say anything to anyone and I'd always be the same with him. I think somwhere i do have feelings for him, but nothin too, if u understand that lol. There was always a connection between us, it was immediate, and for about a year there was this 'something' in the air. Then one night it happened. It was almost inevitable.
What do i do? I'm not sure I'll manage to be the same with him. How do i deal with this?
Sarah xx
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Post by lizcreed on Sept 12, 2009 15:07:01 GMT
Hard one there. This man needs to know exactly where he stands and that you dont feel that way. I think I would be gobsmacked too after so long. Maybe he is feeling a bit lonely and has been thinking about his past. You will need to be firm and make it clear if ever you have that sort of conversation again. Sorry its short, trying to make dinner too x Liz x
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Post by monica on Sept 12, 2009 15:21:31 GMT
Blimey! Not suprised you were so shocked! Agree with Liz you do need to make it clear that the feeling is not mutual. It's hard as I imagine is must be a bit awkward for you. If you have 'history', there can be a sort of nostalgia/fondness that remains but from what you say it doesn't sound as if there can ever be anymore.
Hoep you are well and managing ok with your brood!
Love
Monica
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 12, 2009 16:32:45 GMT
Thanks guys,
Cheers monica luv we're getting there, hectic and a few lows but they are getting less and finally I feel I am heading forward instead of this limbo I've been in for so long. Hope you are well too xx
On the subject tho, I do probably have as you call it a fondness, it was at the time purely sexual and I didnt want anything else. I knew that, he knew that. Well i thought he did. When I think back tho there have been times when I could have seen things differently. Things i always put down to his 'gayness' and our close friendship. Like a dance at the staff nights, I always dance with him first as does my OH with this blokes sister and the last dance is usually the same. Always sitting next to me, he's a touchy feely kind of bloke, he even plays with my hair lol. I mean come on how gay is that? Silly things like this I'm beginning to question and see in a different light. I'm not sure I can be the same with him. Yet it would break his heart if we lost our friendship. I did make it clear to him that I am with my OH, for good, and I have my boys and they and my OH will always be 1st. No matter what I cant be with him and I dont want to be with him. The silence after I said that has stuck with me.
Whats playing on my mind most of all tho is what if i cant look at him straight. What if I do always see this conversation? What do i do? I need to forget this and go with how we were, for his sake and mine. I honestly dont know what to do. my gut tells me to avoid him but thats not fair.
xx
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Post by gizmoracer on Sept 12, 2009 17:48:50 GMT
Hi Sarah. I was thinking about you the other day wondering how you were getting on.
This is a though one, been there myself. To be blunt once something like this comes out there doesn't seem to be a way of turning back the clocks. Its a bit like the staying friends with ex's, everyone means well but it doesn't always work. Think you need to try and get hold of him for a chat now you know where he is coming from and the inital shock has settled. If he is avoiding you try a note of somesort. It's a really terrible feeling to loose someone who is such a close friend. Thats what happened to me. He couldn't handle it, what made matters worse was that I went on to marry someone else. He knew my husband as well and even helped us cover up our secret meetings when I was still with my ex. but when it came to cruch time he never turned up to my wedding and I was heartbroken, we were really good mates. I saw him once after the wedding and he made his excuses to leave. That was 8 years ago now. I did spot him by fluke about 2 weeks ago but didn't get a chance to call out, perhaps it was for the best. Sometimes you just have to let these things go. Anyway enough about me. I hope you guys manage to work something out and he accepts your position but you stay mates.
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 12, 2009 18:29:10 GMT
Cheers Giz, nice to know it doesnt only happen to me! Ure right I need to talk to him. I might do it 2nite actually, while my OH is still at work and I know that he will be on his own.
I'm not sure what I'll say but it'll come to me. Hopefully!! If I think positively and go on the phone with a positive attitude not like I'm nervous of him.
Keep you posted xx
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Post by winegirl on Sept 13, 2009 9:56:15 GMT
Hi Hun
Long time no speak x Glad you are doing ok.
Did you manage to speak to him? I agree that dealing with these situations honeslty and openely really is the only way forward. God what a shock for you!!
Let us know how the conversation goes?
Glad you came here x
Love
WG xx
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 13, 2009 11:13:38 GMT
Hi guys,
Yes i did talk to him. I cant stay long just now so I'll finnish up later. The F1 is just on and I promised the boys we'd watch it together.
basically tho i think its sorted. We didnt talk for long but I got enough from him to realise that he understands and we can move on from it. Talk later xx
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Post by stevensmummy on Oct 11, 2009 9:00:38 GMT
Hi, long time no return, i get back almost a month later lol!
Things have been hectic as i'm sure u cam imagine, this whole measles sort of virus is going here and they have all had it!
This whole situation has been playing on my mind somewhat. I have seen him 2 or 3 times since and he has been different. Very different. Flitracously different. We has an indian has his last weekend, I tidied up and washed the dishes as I always do. He came thro while i was at the sink. I looked at him sacrastically and said it was about time he had a dishwasher, he laughed and said well thats 2 weeks supply of dishes! I carried on turning my back to him expecting him to leave the room i guess. But he came closely behind me and said I wouldnt need a dishwasher if I had you, anyway they're no fun in the bedroom! Then run his finger down the back of my neck and walked out!
So much for being sorted!!!! How he was that night was like how he was before anything between us. The sexual connection but untouched. Do I leave it like this? Do I ignore it?
xx
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Post by cazfletcher on Oct 11, 2009 10:18:45 GMT
personally i'd tell him to jog on!! tell him again that sort of behaviour is NOT on, it makes you feel uncomfortable and if it continues you will do something about it
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Post by winegirl on Oct 11, 2009 14:54:54 GMT
So pleased to have you back mate! Bit freaky coz i was thinking of you yesterday!!!!!
So to clarify, do you have any sort of similar feelings towards him at all? Just wanted to check before i posted any reply as to how i would handle it...
Good to have you back mate x
WG xx
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Post by stevensmummy1 on Oct 11, 2009 16:45:17 GMT
Hi hun,
Hmm must fate, lol.
As for him, well no, but I also have been thinkin to myself really whats wrong with him being flirty. Although that was prob a bit beyond flirty. We are very close, and i like our closeness, its almost like hes a little bit of fun. Fun that I'd never considered had an feelings beyond a wind up and cuddle. It never once entered my head he felt anything coz i dont see him like that. that one night was only one night, nothin more. I dont regret it, i dont do regrets, I've done alot worse and its all part of life. And as i said b4 he is sort of gay so he does touch alot. I'm that kind of person too so i guess i probably didnt give him any back of signals all these years.
I keep thinking back to all these random things and places where he could have got the wrong idea. i few weeks ago we were at a party and he was standing at the bar, being all bloke ish and I came up behind him and put my chin on his shoulder, and asked him to dance. His response was hmm, a drink with these hopeless idiots, or a dance with you? def these idiots! Then immediately spun me round and pushed me to the dance floor by the waist. Now is that wrong? Is it odd for us to act like that?
Got to go, am late for picking up OH from the farm. He needs a hand catching some stupid calf that keeps running away from him lol. Just wait till i get there, i'll seriously take the piss!
xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 11, 2009 19:10:16 GMT
Well it is a bit flirtacious, but if you have spent forever thinking that this chap is gay its not like you have done it with any intentions! Perhaps its time for a frank an open conversation with him about your friendship, stating what you want out of the relationship and what he wants and where it can go from there??
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Post by stevensmummy on Oct 12, 2009 7:21:48 GMT
God maybe it is odd then. I never considered it anything else other than just us. My Oh doesnt see it as unusual either, prob coz we have always been like that I guess.
How do i go about asking him something like this? He totally freaked when i said I had always thought he was gay. So I'm almost afraid to say anything lol. He needs picked up from the farm 2nite and taken back for the truck so i might offer to pick him up if no-one else is doing it. The kids will be with MIL so its a good chance to get him on our own. Now you have said that WG its making me wonder if he has always seen our friendship like that. I have always thought he was gay and just wasnt quite aware of it just yet. I mean come on how many straight men play with ure hair!!
What do i say? How do I approach it? xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 12, 2009 8:12:32 GMT
Ooooh I dont know. Maybe something like this..
`I think that after that night when you said you had feelings for me things have changed a bit between us, and I wanted to talk about how we can keep the friendship on track by understanding where we are both coming from...'
Or something, then just roll with it. Either way you will have to be clear with him how you want the relationship between you guys to be. You dont even have to mention the gay thing if you dont want to, just express that you were like best friends or something??
Its really tricky, and I gues you have to tread carefully if you want to keep him as a friend. At the end of the day he knows you have a partner and kids so he should be accepting of that surely!
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