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Post by monica on Oct 12, 2009 16:54:30 GMT
Hello
Glad the massage helped - send your friend over to me !
I understand your fear about telling your psychologist how you feel, however, if they know how you are maybe they can offer you support before you get as bad as you were last year. Please do try.
Good luck for tomorrow
Monica
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 13, 2009 8:45:41 GMT
My appt with the psychologist has been changed so have a bit of time to post on here before seeing him.
I've decided I'm going to tell him how I'm feeling. I'm so scared. Partly it's cos I'm scared of ending up back in hospital, which having thought about it, I realise is stupid cos he's the one person who won't overreact and who I know I can trust. Partly though it's cos I know that having told him I'll just leave after 50 mins without any extra support. And that's not because he doesn't care - it's cos there's no extra support available. I have a psychiatrist, social worker and the psychologist. Getting an appt at short notice with psychiatrist is almost impossible and tbh she doesn't do much anyway. I don't trust the social worker as far as I can throw her - mostly because I know the first thing she'd do if she knew how I am feeling is to phone my husband (she's done it plenty of times before). And the psychologist can't refer me to anyone else or do anything for me outside of our appts.
But having said all that, I'm going to tell him anyway, cos I need someone to know.
Woke up this morning with a scratch on my wrist. I've obviously done it in my sleep and it's just a scratch but it's actually made me want to cut more. When I put my perfume on today it got in the scratch and stung and the first thing I thought was how good the pain felt. I'm seriously messed up! xx
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Post by bean on Oct 13, 2009 9:31:00 GMT
Hi Wkmmum
Just seen your diary and hope its ok for me to post. Felt like I had to, I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I too have s/h issues, including history of eating disorder (well I say history - still ongoing to some extent). I too have woken before with scratches and its like they are a little invitation isnt it?
You are not seriously messed up, you need help to deal with all these things and by being honest with your psychologist, is a move in the right direction, especially as you know he wont overreact, its good you have that trust in him. Have you done any work around other ways of coping instead of the s/h, lots of people think we can just stop/switch off these urges, but Ive been told that in order for us to manage the s/h and cope in other ways, we need to replace it with something, as its like our crutch, and as you know you cant just throw the crutches away and expect to run a marathon.
As for the eating, I totally get where you're coming from and agree its a control thing, sometimes the only thing we feel in control of, i also understand that we're not really, that it controls us too. Just think tho hun, if you do go too far and lose too much weight, that control will be taken away from you, you need to maintain some weight so you dont get ill, and if you can do this, then your shrink will maybe get off your back and you wont worry so much about ending up back in hospital.
I know how hard it is believe me, I really do, and im not trying to preach to you either, just want you to take care of yourself a little.
As for the lack of support after your appt, that is why I started coming here, because when there is no other support, I know i can come and vent my thoughts and ALWAYS receive non-judgemental support from the ladies. We are here and you can be totally honest, no-one is going to ring your hubby (cant believe she did that). So keep talking, it does help, also knowing there are others who understand and going through similar things, made me feel not so alone.
Good luck with your appointment today.xxx Luv Bean xx
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 13, 2009 11:08:26 GMT
Hi Bean,
Of course it's ok for you to post. And thank-you for everything you said - it helps to know there are people who understand. I'll go into what you wrote later if that's ok as I have a pile of ironing to do before a physio appt and then a hospital appt at a hospital miles away from there hospital I'm having physio at (swear I'm gonna spend most of the day driving to and from appts!)
The appt with the psychologist went ok. I told him how I'm feeling (took me a while but I got there in the end). We talked, and as I thought I'm seeing him as usual next week but no extra support. But at least he didn't overreact.
While waiting to see him I picked up a copy of a magazine about mental health services in the county. In it, it said that the new personality disorders service is now taking referrals.
As I was finally told last year that part of my diagnosis is a personality disorder, when I heard about the service I asked my psychiatrist about it. She thought it was a really good idea for me to be referred but at the time they weren't taking referrals. Having seen the article I've just phoned my social worker who said she's find out more but each team was only allowed to do 5 referrals and they're doing them for people who have no access to services at all (I've got the psychologist) so it was unlikely. She then started going on about how I'm coping with things much better, there's no cure and I'll never be completely better. Thanks a lot!
I told her I'm not expecting some miracle cure and that I know I'll always have some problems but that I could certainly be better than I am now. And that I'm not coping better - I'm hiding stuff better. So I've just left a message asking for my pdychiatrist to call me to see if she thinks it's still a good idea and whether she can refer me rather than the social worker.
I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. According to NICE they're supposed to provide a specialist service, so they finally do only for the numbers to be severely limited. And cos I see a psychologist for 50mins a week (which I waited 2 years for) I might not get their help anyway. Don't know why I bother.
Sorry for the rant - I just don't know why I bother xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 13, 2009 20:13:58 GMT
Hi Hun
I think the specialist service is perfect for you! And being specifically for people with personality disorders you will more than likely find many others who use the same service with other self harm issues also, so something you can relate to. Also because self harm is one of the biggest behaviours of personality disorder, the proffessionals within the service will know exactly all the tools and best ways to help with it if you become ready to talk about it.
Push for it hun, pushing seems to be the way to get heard in these sort of things, I really think you would benefit from it.
Let us know if you hear anything?
Take Care
WG xx
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 14, 2009 13:11:16 GMT
Sorry I didn't post again yesterday - managed to look in beriefly but had no time to do anything else.
The psychiatrist phoned me back yesterday and I asked her about the personality disorder service. She was very positive about it and is gonna look into it. She's also gonna find out whether she can refer me if the community mental health team can't and also speak to my social worker.
She asked me why I think it's a good idea and I told her, honestly, that I think it'd be better to be treated by one team rather than several different services (ie psychiatrist, psychologist and social worker) which she agreed with. But I also told her that I need to know more as I relly can't find out any other info on the service so she's gonna ask my social worker to get some more info for me. She also said to speak to the psychologist about it - I may have to stop seeing him if I get referred to the PD service which is scarey as he's the only person I really trust and can talk to and I don't want to throw away all the work we've done,
Does anyone know much about personality disorder services where they live?
Eating's bad today - I've barely eaten anything. After school we're going round to my son's best friend's house for tea. His mum will cook for the boys but not for us so I don't have to eat there. Then if my husband asks me I'll say I did eat there. So don't have to have dinner tonight.
I'm also still thinking about SH loads and it's starting to scare me. I can't tell my social worker or psychiatrist and I'm not seeing the psychologist til next Tues so really don't know what to do xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 14, 2009 19:14:19 GMT
Hi Hun
I dont have any to hand, but I should be able to get hold of some info on any PD services in our area tomorrow if you are interested? Might help with an idea of what you may expect and what the setup of it all is??
WG xx
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 14, 2009 19:19:55 GMT
Thanks WG. I'm sure every area's different but hopefully it'll give me an idea xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 14, 2009 19:23:19 GMT
Yes, they tend to follow similar formats across the country but with small differences. It may be that there isnt such a service in our area (though I am sure there is because I think I spoke to a patient about it who lives round here), but either way I will see what I can dig up x
Hope you are ok this evening?
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 15, 2009 10:53:34 GMT
Thought I'd post while my boss has gone out!
Really struggling today. Again, I've barely eaten so far today and the thoughts about SH are getting more and more intrusive. I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on work.
My husband's out this evening so apart from my son, who'll be asleep, I'll be on my own. In a way that's good cos I'm desperate for a bit of time on my own. But in a way it's bad cos I want to SH so much. I can't ask my husband not to go out cos then he'll know that there's something going on. So just gonna have to manage xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 15, 2009 16:51:32 GMT
I will be about on and off after my LO is in bed if you need some online company?
Perhaps you can put a dvd on, or just play daft gams on your pc etc.. something relaxing but that keeps your mind distracted?
I am sorry you are having such a rough day of it, and really hope you manage ok tonight. Think of it as a treat to yourself, a bit of peace and quiet and an early night?
WG xx
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 15, 2009 18:07:34 GMT
Some online company would be good - I'm really struggling xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 15, 2009 19:15:55 GMT
Sorry just got your message - been fighting with my pronter - but here now.
You ok? I can be here on and off tonight or if you are on facebook could so facebook chat - whatever you need.
Is your LO still up? What time is your hubby due back??
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 15, 2009 20:14:02 GMT
Sorry - was away from the computer for a while.
My son's asleep - he goes to bed really early and was asleep by 7! My husband's due back late - not sure exactly what time but I'm betting on close to midnight.
Am not on facebook but will be here for a while xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 15, 2009 20:15:29 GMT
How are you feeling now? Have you managed to distract yourself much??
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