wkmmum
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Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 5, 2009 13:17:23 GMT
Someone on here suggested I start a self harm diary, and having thought about it, I've decided to give it a try. I'm crap at this sort of thing so bear with me! Here goes....
I've self harmed for a long, long time. Sometimes cutting, a lot of overdosing (most of the time purely as self harm amd not suicide attempts - although there have been some of those) and most recently not eating.
Not eating started as another way to hurt myself. If I couldn't feel the pain from cutting or anything else (long story but if my husband finds out I'm self harming he'll kick me out) then at least I could have the hunger pain. Plus I knew I was damaging my body (which has always been partly what my self harm has been about).
Unfortunately it's kind of taken on a life of it's own. And while I still get some satisfaction from it as a form of self harm, I'm now really scared of eating and putting on weight. I'm also taking slimming tablets for the times I have to eat with other people. And I know I'm now classed as underweight but in my opinion the BMI chart is wrong cos there's still plenty of fat on me that I need to lose. My psychiatrist is worried but as the weather gets colder it gets easier to hide how much weight I've lost beneath jumpers etc., and I lie about how much I weigh. I realise I've just created yet another problem for myself but I don't care cos I also feel that I'm finally managing to achieve something - it feels good.
There are days when even though I'm not eating, I still want to cut or OD but so far recently I've managed to fight the urge xx
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Post by monica on Oct 5, 2009 14:09:38 GMT
Hello
I hope it's ok to write in your diary. I haven't s/h so I can't wholly relate to it but I do have self esteem issues and I guess that's a major factor too with s/h.
Firstly, well done on doing a diary - it can be therapeutic and you'll find lots of support andunderstanding here as well as keeping a record of how you're doing.
You've done so well on fighting the urge to cut yourself - that can't be easy - so congratulate yourself. I know with PNI, I would focus on the negative things about myself and not praise myself on any achievements.
It sounds as if the self harm has become part of you. I guess it' snearly always associated with controlling something and punishing yourself for something even though it's destructive.
Have you had any counselling or support? You mentioned you see a psychiatrist. Is that helping at all?
Love
Monica
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 5, 2009 15:04:08 GMT
I've been seeing my psychiatrist since I was diagnosed with PNI when my son was a couple of months old. It took me a long time to trust her, but that was down to me not her. She's really good but can't do much to help.
I also see a psychologist and have been seeing him for a couple of years. He's also really good and probably the person I trust most in the team of people I have. But after seeing him for this long I've kind of come to the conclusion that I'm never gonna get any better xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 5, 2009 19:39:12 GMT
Hi Hun
Never think that you are not going to get better. Everyone has the ability to recover, and you are no different.
I am sorry of all you are going through with self harm and in particular now the issues surrounding food. It certainly sounds as though it may have started out as self harm and developed into more of an eating disorder.
I know I have said it to you before, and I sound like a nagging old mum or something, but alot of our mental health can be affected also by the nutrients our body needs. I know that you will not hear that and suddenly start throwing fruit veg and carbs down yourself, but have a think about it. And read what you have written about your relationship with food. Would you agree that this is something you need to fix, or do you feel it is something you would rather not fix?
Well done on starting your diary, its brave to talk about this stuff, and just shows you how much strength you have! And I hope that we can help support you through this hun xx
Take Care
WG x
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 6, 2009 8:17:45 GMT
I think that the food issue is something I need to fix. However, the thought of eating and putting on weight is more scarey than the thought of not fixing it (does that make sense?). I'm not sure it's actually an eating disorder though.
As far as never getting better goes. I've had problems for so long now that I just can't imagine my life any other way. This is probably going to sound wierd, but I remember feeling like this in primary school (not to this extent but defo what I now know is depressed) xx
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 6, 2009 18:02:58 GMT
Today's been ok. Had my first physio session this afternoon and it went really well. I'm really hoping this'll sort out the problems I have with my balance. Other than that all I've done is housework and ironing!
Have got a CPA tomorrow which I'm dreading. I hate them with a vengeance. I find it hard enough to talk with one person let alone the 3 that'll be there. It's a complete waste of time cos I never say much. I know my psychiatrist wants us to talk about my eating and there's no way I'm doing it with 3 people all sitting there looking and listening to me.
Have barely eaten anything today and while I know I shouldn't be proud of myself for that, I am. Feel like I've got it back under control after having to eat more than I wanted to over the weekend xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 6, 2009 19:05:29 GMT
Hi Hun
Yes CPA reviews can be daunting, I always feel bad when I sit in on them as a student, like the patient doesnt have enough to contend with! But if you can talk about your eating they may be able to suggest strategies to help you?
There is always a silver lining hun. I feel priveldged in that I have met some people who have been so incredibly poorly, in ways you could not believe, for a very long time, but have come out the other side. It is achievable.
I hope it goes as well as it can tomorrow hun, and will be thinking of you.
Let us know how it goes?
Take Care
WG xx
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 7, 2009 11:24:32 GMT
Ok, well I forgot about the woman taking the minutes at the CPA so that was an extra person. On the other hand my social worker was so late she only arrived a couple of minutes before the end which was a bit of a bonus!
Nearly the whole thing was about my eating. Basically they want me to be weighed and have bloods done regularly. I said I didn't want that so the psychiatrist started going on about them having a duty of care. So I said that in that case, she can ask me to be weighed and have my bloods done and that way she's tried....but I'll still refuse. She wasn't best pleased with that but they can't force me can they?
So that was a crap start to the day. Not feeling good today. My son's going to a friend's after school today so once I've finished work I've got a bit of time to myself. The way I'm feeling atm though, I just want to go home and SH xx
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Post by cazfletcher on Oct 7, 2009 13:15:21 GMT
hi hun, just hang in there things will get better x
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 8, 2009 18:23:56 GMT
Today's not been too bad. Mostly I think because I was at work all day today so was busy and kept occupied. Every now and then I started thinking about how I was feeling but mostly I managed to keep my mind on work.
Have eaten more than I'd like today so will have to do something about that tomorrow. But on the whole a pretty good day.
My biggest problem today has been my shoulder. I've got really bad pain in it and I'm pretty sure it's cos I use a crutch. Ibuprofen didn't help so tried co-dydromol but they didn't help either. And now the pain's radiating down my arm. Defo something I need to speak to the physio about. If physio helps my balance enough I'll be able to do away with the crutch. But in the meantime it's important I get my shoulder sorted as I drive which hand controls which means I steer with my left hand only. As the pain's in my left shoulder I'm worried that it's going to affect my driving if it gets much worse.
Anyway, I've waffled on enough xx
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Post by monica on Oct 8, 2009 20:42:53 GMT
Hi
Glad your day has been ok - i found work really good as a distraction as I simply didn't have time to think about how I felt.
Sorry it you've mentioned it before, but how come you're on crutches. That mustbe difficult. Could be that your overcompensating and that has caused the pain. Hope physio helps. I buggered up my knee now 2 months ago and as a consequence of not walking properly my foot is giving me problems - good old NHS - there's a 5 mth weight!
RE: eating, they are worried about your health. If you don't mind me asking, what is it about eating you don't like - do you think you are too big, is it the control, the punishment?
Sending you big hugs
Love
Monica
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Post by winegirl on Oct 10, 2009 7:50:07 GMT
Hi Hun
Sorry, just catching up with your diary.. How have the last couple of days been for you? And how is your shoulder? Pain is awful and contributes to the state of our mental health, so I hope the physio can help you??
Drop in and let us know how you are when you get 5?
Love
WG xx
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 10, 2009 18:14:11 GMT
Sorry I haven't had time to post til now.
Today's been ok although I've eaten far too much. Weekends are never great as I can't get away with skipping meals. So I've spent a lot of today thinking about other ways I SH as I've had to eat. And I'm soooo tired at the moment that I could sleep 23 hours a day, standing up. But that could be down to a lot of things so not really sure what to do about it.
I use a crutch because the illness/disability I have has affected my balance. Someone actually massaged my shoulder yesterday and it's absolutely fine now. It was just a muscular thing. When she started I could hardly bare her touching it but by the end there was no pain at all! Relief!!!
As far as eating goes, it's all those things really. It defo started out as punishment/SH. Now it's still that but also not wanting to put on weight (and to lose more weight). And also it feels good to be in control of something. There's so little in my life that I have control over that it makes a change to be able to control something xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 10, 2009 19:27:10 GMT
Hi Hun
Well I am glad your shoulder is better! Must be a relief?
Do you feel like you can make people aware of your eating problem? Deep down you know it is something you cannot keep up for your health, though i know that you would lose that feeling of being in control. But your physical and mental health will all be affected by this.
Sorry, I might sound like I am preaching! I do not mean too! My crutch and control is wine - i guess you could look at it as self harm if you think about what it is doing to my body, and I know it is something I should also deal with properly, but dont feel ready to yet. So I am just throwing things out there for you to think on - certainly not lecturing!
I hope you get enough rest tonight to help with your tiredness. Tiredness has always been one of my big PNI things, feel like you never get enough!
Hope the rest of your weekend is ok hun x
Take Care
WG xx
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wkmmum
Senior Member
Posts: 225
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Post by wkmmum on Oct 12, 2009 14:28:46 GMT
Well, the shoulder's still fine....it's my thumb that's hurting now!!! Pretty sure it's so do with using my crutch as well but have physio again tomorrow so will speak to her about it.
I don't want people to know about my eating. In fact I'm doing my best to hide it. Yes, deep down I know I can't keep this up forever but I need to keep soing it for a while longer. And yes, I know it will affect me physically and mentally, but again I need to keep doing it.
Things are getting pretty bad atm. I'm spending most of any spare time I have thinking about SH and what I can do to myself. I'm seeing the psychologist tomorrow. Half of me desperately wants to tell him how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. But the other half of me is terrified to tell him.
About this time last year I ended up being sectioned and in hospital for a while. I know I'm heading towards feeling like I did last year and I terrified that if I tell anyone I'll end up back in hospital. Really don't know what to do xx
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