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Post by Weeble on Jun 23, 2010 7:35:58 GMT
Well I am pleased that some of the day was great, and your evening sounds fantastic. I have had problems like your morning a lot, my SMHHV told me the babies read our emotions and respond, so it becomes a cycle. When that happens, I was taught to do the thing describing what he is looking at with him - it sort of keeps you in the moment and brings down your stress levels and the baby responds. It really worked for me.
Hope today goes well
Kat
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 23, 2010 8:05:03 GMT
Tuesday 22nd June
Today I had to meet Nikki, the psychiatric nurse again.
I woke up in an ok mood, fed spike etc then I brought him outside in his chair again as the day was going to be a stunning one. I put some music on and I sang along as I pegged the washing out. Spike was as good as gold and had conversations with the trees and chuckled at mummy singing and wiggling. I was dreading meeting Nikki today because I felt ok. I was sure that if I turned up to meet nikki and she saw me doing ok and reasonably happy then she would say to me “ok Lois, I think my work here is done. You seem to be doing brilliantly. Goodbye” sort of thing. And then I built this whole scenario up in my head that as soon as Nikki said goodbye to me then I would have days of feeling suicidal again and really low and wretched and that I really wasn’t ok after all. I was wondering whether to go and see nikki all happy and just be myself or whether to put on this downcast miserable persona to prove that I still wasn’t ok. I decided on the former and to just be myself. After all, I may be having a good day but I’m still very negative and lacking in confidence and I’m still so anxious all the time.
I took spike and went off to meet her. As usual spike was as good as gold and took the opportunity to show off a bit and roll over several times and then he started flirting and fluttering his eyelashes at nikki! Nikki adored him. I can’t take him anywhere!! She just wanted to have a chat to find out what was going on with me. I told her I was nervous about meeting her today and explained why and she said she wasn’t about to discharge me yet but that she is seeing an improvement. Perhaps it’s the anti depressants (she changed them for me so I’ve started taking these other ones). Perhaps it’s just my mindset that I am so determined to not be this miserable upset woman all the time so me forcing myself to do stuff is really helping. She told me to go off and do things I used to do before spike arrived which would really help me feel better like have my hair done or my nails or go off for a steam and a Jacuzzi or go off shopping. In fact she ordered me to do these things! She said she could tell I was a fantastic mum because as soon as spike winges I’m instantly concerned, I interact with him, I smile at him. Although I took all this in, I’m still quite negative about myself, I always have been actually. I don’t think much of myself really. I was saying how paranoid I am about turning into my mother and how I didn’t want to be that kind of a mother for spike – angry, mean, wretched all the time. Nikki assured me I wouldn’t be because of different times, different circumstances and essentially because I am a different person to her. It was just like having a chat to a friend really but she provided explanations as to why I think or do certain things which was really helpful and she assured me that these anti D’s would really help and that in no time I would be my old self again. I can’t wait for that!!!
Afterwards, when we got home, spike and I lay under a tree in the garden and I just watched him as he lay there taking in everything around him. Watching the trees sway, seeing birds fly over, noticing bees zoom around us. I picked a blade of grass and showed it to him and his eyes were wide with wonder. It was fascinating just watching him watching his world. Spike’s so alert darting his eyes everywhere, noticing everything. I think it is also good for him to just sit and have some quiet time with no noisy flashing toys or tv or mummy or daddy interacting with him or music playing. It’s good for him to just lay and be content to just watch the world go past. I know some children just can’t cope with their own company. They have to constantly be entertained or played with or have to interrupt the adults for stimulation. My husband and I, as children, were good with our own company, so this is what we want for spike.
Last night, we ate in the garden again which was just lovely. I didn’t feel totally like the old me again but I felt reasonably content and even caught myself saying “why don’t we invite so and so over for the week end?”. I had gone from recently not wanting to see any of my friends or socialise to once again arranging for friends to come over. I wonder though whether I’m just having a few good days and soon I will slide back down into pit of despair or whether these few good days are a good sign that the clouds are shifting from above me.
My period returned a few days ago too. It was bizarre not having one for months and months. I wondered whether this has been a contributing factor in my mood changes – from suicidal despair to reasonable contentment. And whether the pnd was being masked by the actual issue which was just my period making its way back to me and the hormonal emotions associated with us ladies having periods – we all know how bad pmt can be! I’m not saying Nikki (the psychiatric nurse), or my doctor have been mistaken in diagnosing me with pnd but I seem to have gone very quickly from being suicidal to feeling almost, almost like my old self. I was hoping this wasn’t a temporary ‘high’ before a crashing low.
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Post by Weeble on Jun 23, 2010 20:31:46 GMT
Hi Lois
I think what you are describing with the ups and downs is the signs you are healing. The up and down swings are really normal, I certainly have suffered from them and still do. If you get a crashing low accept it and now that you will go back up again. The natural history of this illness is a wiggly up and down line eventually reaching yourself all the time.
Kat
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 24, 2010 7:19:06 GMT
Hi Kat
Thanks for your message. Felt more like bi-polar to me!!! well, so far so good (touch wood..head...trees.....) but I think these new anti D's are also causing an adverse reaction in me. I have to take just one a day which I do in the morning but I've noticed that every morning until about midday ish I am really hyper. I'm singing and dancing with spike and playing music and then on my emails inviting friends around for coffee and drinks and just being super hyper! This is all good I know after I've felt so low and depressed but I feel a bit too hyper. Might mention it to the Psy Nurse next week.
I do feel much better tho thank god.
x
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Post by juppster on Jun 24, 2010 7:33:15 GMT
Hi Lois
Im so glad you are starting to feel so much better. As Kat say though, if you do get a blip and a low day, just try to accept it for what it is, just a blip. I think its quite normal for alot of us to have certain times of the day where we feel much better...for me this certainly isn't the mornings !!! but generally in the afternoons or evenings for me but its probably worth mentioning it to the nurse if its something that concerning you. I hope today continues to be good for you hun x
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Post by monica on Jun 24, 2010 9:11:52 GMT
Hi
Glad you've been having a good spell.
Youmentioned self esteem issues - I've never been confident but pni knocked me for six. It take s time to build it up again. Try and focus on the positives in your life and your achievements. You are a wonderful mum - that is clear so there's one to start of with not to mention articulate and intelligent.
A cpn told me that PNI can turn into pmt - if your periods are irregular maybe low mood can be attributable to the build up to that too. Defo one to ask the cpn. She sounds really good btw. So sympathetic and supportive. Someone wrote on here that that is one difference between pni and 'regular non - post natal depression' - the ups and downs associated with this illness. As one of the ladies said it's horrible but can be a sign of recovery too.
Love
Monica
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Post by Weeble on Jun 24, 2010 9:35:24 GMT
HI girls
there is lots of debate in the medical literature about PNI and its relationship with regular mental health issues. Many psychiatrists seem to think that PNI is more like bipolar disease because of these ups and downs, but it does not mean it is. I have had these hyper times too, they really scared me, but have gone in the last few weeks since my drugs were increased.
Kat
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 25, 2010 9:11:29 GMT
Friday 25th June
Well, it’s a bit weird and I shouldn’t really question it but I’m still feeling happy! After feeling so horrendous for the past few weeks and having suicidal thoughts and wanting to run away and never see spike or my husband again, not wanting to socialise, not wanting to interact with my friends, not wanting to do anything, go anywhere, not make an effort, not play with spike, after all of this I’m suddenly feeling brighter. I don’t necessarily feel more optimistic or like I could conquer the world but I’m really starting to enjoy Spike’s company now. Which sounds awful thing to say about your own child but I really am getting a lot of pleasure from him now.
I have been taking the new anti D’s since Tuesday morning. They still make me a bit hyper in the morning and excitable which also makes me a bit shaky but I am really feeling love towards spike and my husband compared to recently where I just felt fed up and irritated by their prescence all the time. I want to socialise again and have started to make plans for friends to come over for drinks or week end visits.
There are still some negative aspects present. Such as, I still feel a bit trapped and limited as to what I can do now I have spike. And the contrast to how much freedom I had before Spike came along is still taking time for me to adjust to. I still yearn for those old free days and I still feel sad inside when I think back on them. I want that freedom back so much. But now I look at spike and I really enjoy doing stuff with him. He is such a good little boy, full of giggles and snorts and smiles that I’m finding it hard to look at him with such irritation like I did before.
I said to David yesterday that the best thing that EVER happened to me recently was David going away for that week end to Kent and leaving me alone with Spike. Yes, it absolutely petrified me and I shook with nerves and I cried and had palpitations and dreaded every feed, every nap but it turned out to be great and I think deep down it’s increased my confidence with him which in turn has perhaps contributed to my happiness. I really think that had David not gone away then perhaps I would still be a nervous irritable wreck that I was a few weeks ago. I think that week end proved something to me. Proved that I AM capable of looking after him. That I CAN put him to sleep, feed him. I don’t look to David for so much reassurance and guidance now. Yes, I still ask his advice about certain things but I just feel a bit calmer in Spike’s presence now. I don’t know whether it actually was that week end that has turned things around for me or whether it is the anti D’s working. Perhaps it is a combination of the two. I believe that in life what you give out to the world you get back so perhaps by me being happier around spike is making him happier which is making him an easier baby to look after.
My relationship with David has changed too. We are so much more huggy, kissy and playful now. Sometimes I just want to throw my arms around him and squeeze him while he’s cooking or snuggle up to him while we’re watching the tv. We’ve never stopped hugging or kissing but recently it’s been with me being miserable at the same time.
Yesterday I took Spike to his music play session. I didn’t go last week because I felt so lacking in confidence and nervous so David took him. I was absolutely dreading taking spike. I was so nervous but David and I agreed that it might be like another sort of ‘milestone’ for me, like when David went away for that week end. If I could deal with this then it would be another ‘achievement’ for me. My big fear (still) is when I take Spike out in public: what if he cries and I can’t do anything with him and people stare at me? So I’m still nervous taking him out in public. But yesterday, despite my nervous shakes, went very well. Spike loves his music play and we banged some drums and rattled some tambourines and he stared at the other babies. I was so nervous but really put on a happy, excited, laughing front with all the other mothers. I did enjoy myself a lot, it was so much fun but deep down I really wanted it to be over because I was so nervous.
I’m so pleased that I’m starting to feel like the old me again. Happy with life and enjoying my scrumptious baby boy. But I’m still confused. If I feel like this so quickly then was I really suffering with pnd?? Surely the turnaround just can’t be so rapid? Or perhaps this is just a wonderful temporary high before I have to go through a fall again. I am going to talk to Nikki about it, the psy Nurse, when I see her next week. I would like to understand WHY I was so unhappy and not just accept that I was unhappy and now I’m happy and it’s all good. I want explanations and answers. I want to understand the processes I’ve been through and am going through.
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mrsdp
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Post by mrsdp on Jun 25, 2010 9:20:43 GMT
Hi Kat, Hi Monica
Thanks for your replies. They were really interesting. I think I am going to try and do some research on the bipolar/pni relationship because for me, depression IS all about the lows and the black clouds. So having extreme highs but still being classed as having pnd is interesting and not something I've come across before.
Also the pmt thing. Before I had spike I was on the pill which didn't give me any periods at all - blissssssssss!! then I got pregnant obviously and my period has only just returned which is a good sign but weird. Perhaps I never did have pnd but perhaps it was just an intensely emotional build up (PMT) to my cycle returning. Now it's back perhaps my hormones will settle down and life will resume as normally as possible.
Is it just coincidental that I felt so incredibly vile just before my period returned and now it has I feel happy again? something to think about.......
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Post by juppster on Jun 25, 2010 15:49:52 GMT
Hey Lois Just wanted to pop by and say its great you are seeing such a difference. It could well be a hormonal imbalance due to your periods returning or it could be a combination of that and the meds...difficult to tell but at the end of the day, the main thing is you are on the up...I hope you continue to go from strength to strength xx
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Post by Weeble on Jun 25, 2010 19:43:21 GMT
Hi Lois, Its so good to hear you positive, I has been a surprise to me as well how different PNI is to the text books. I find the patient information leaflets on the Royal College os Psychiatrists website good and this list of symptoms on the Surrey website was really helpful as it was the first time I found something which seemed to be like I was www.surreypnd.nhs.uk/symptoms.htmLooking forward to hearing how the next few days go Kat
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