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Post by juppster on Nov 23, 2011 19:44:01 GMT
Ah mate...sorry it has triggered you...how are you feeling now? x
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Post by monica on Nov 24, 2011 8:23:52 GMT
Hi
Don,t despair. You're going to have a few set backs along the road to recovery but you will get there, I promise and that's all this is. Your brain has been conditioned to have these thoughts when you change nappy etc so its going to take time to relearn to stop them coming into your head. I hope your oh returned soon and comforted you. Today is a new day. The art class sounded like fun. Are you going back?
Just had a thought. Try wearing an elastic band on your wrist. When a thought pops into your head flick it. It might shock you into breaking that thought.
Monica
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 24, 2011 10:43:28 GMT
Uhhh, it's early to be posting but I feel so dreadful this morning, so full of fear. It's back to fear he will abuse her again, and I just can't get it out of my head. I wish I could put this paranoia aside ... and even as I write this, I'm wondering, is it actually paranoia or is it real? I feel so sick. Again it's that moment when he held her in the bath that is sticking in my head. I feel so tired.
I have my counselling assessment appointment today which I'm hoping will tide me over until my cbt starts. Oh God I just want to be able to look at things logically and know whether what I'm worrying about is worth it or not. Stupid brain in over-drive. I wanted to call home this morning but it's nearly 11pm there now, too late.
Thanks for your responses ladies. I might try the elastic band, thanks Monica. It's a strange thing writing on here, feels very self-seeking and melodramatic, but I tell myself it does help so I'll keep doing it. I've made a pact with myself that I will do anything that helps.
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Post by Weeble on Nov 24, 2011 21:21:09 GMT
Hi mate
When the thoughts get hard, just remember it's amazingly common to struggle with this and you are very very normal. It's horrible the fear isn't it. I hoping your day was a bit easier and things improved.
How did the counselling go?
Kat
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Nov 25, 2011 9:43:28 GMT
Oh hunni so sorry about this, how are you feeling today?
N xxx
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Post by juppster on Nov 25, 2011 11:07:18 GMT
Yes, please do keep posting here...it is in no way melodramatic, it is very real for you at the moment. How did the counselling assessment go? x
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Post by Weeble on Nov 25, 2011 20:07:35 GMT
Wondering how you are doing, it's anything but self seeking and melodramatic, and you deserve to be heard
Kat
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 28, 2011 13:02:14 GMT
Thanks all for your comments. The weekend was a bit weird. Started of quite positively. My husband has been sleeping in the lounge to get some extra shut-eye (we are in a one bed flat with the baby in our room) and I woke him up at about 9 to give him the baby and go back to bed myself. This was quite a big step for me to leave her with him, even though I was still in the house. I wasn't even particularly worried. I had asked my health visitor to come round on Friday as I was feeling particularly stressed and talked through some things, which appears to have helped. I slept on and off until about 2, waking up occasionally to hear them having a great time. Sleep is wonderful. I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling almost normal.
Then on Sunday things took a backward turn. We gave her a bath. I have to admit I avoid bathing her, and she tends to only get a bath every few days. In this case she hadn't had a bath since last weekend. Bad, huh? Anyway, I was very tense through the whole process, as I tend to be, and afterwards my husband said to me, "you have to stop freaking out every time I touch her, because every time you do you're as good as calling me a pedophile. And I'm not. I'm not a monster!" So clearly he does know what dark thoughts are running through my mind.
I replied I was trying very hard, but there was a massive amount of anxiety attached to it for me. He said I needed to cut it out. I said I knew nothing was happening, if I thought something was happening I would have left. He said, well clearly you don't believe it then, so STOP IT, if you don't I'll never go near her again and I'll leave. I said something like I'm trying very hard, it's part of an illness. He calmed down a bit and said I realise you don't have control over it and would stop if you could ... but please stop. I am not a monster.
After that conversation, as you can imagine things were a bit weird. He seemed depressed for the rest of the day. We were tiptoeing around each other, walking on egg-shells. I do wonder if we will trust each other again and not have any strain between us. I guess we just need to stick it out and hopefully things will get better. But it's hard, so hard. I just wish I could dismiss these thoughts and not dwell on them constantly. In some ways I do feel better for having had that conversation because it's shocked me a bit, I needed that.
The counciling appointment went ok last week. It was another assessment, and I'm on another waiting list. Hopefully they will find me someone fast. I need to chase up the psychiatrist again this afternoon.
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Post by juppster on Nov 28, 2011 18:13:27 GMT
It must be such a strain for both of you at the moment, hugs to you both. Do you know how long the waiting list is for counselling? x
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Nov 28, 2011 22:33:47 GMT
You will trust eachother again. I think being honest is very important but choosing your words carefully is equally as important.
So instead of 'you want to touch her don't you' you would say 'I'm sorry babe but PNI is in my head again and I'm panicking that you're doing something I know you're not'. So then he knows it's not you and can reassure you that you have nothing to worry about.
Tell him how he can help alleviate your fears in the moment too, be it reassurance or even just a simple cuddle. Letting him be a part of you getting better will really help you - and him.
N xxx
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Post by monica on Nov 29, 2011 21:18:56 GMT
Hi
How are you? It's hard on both you and oh ATM. Perhaps get him to look at this site. It may give him reassurance that your thoughts especially about him are a symptom of pni and not genuine suspicion on your part.
Monicax
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 30, 2011 14:28:33 GMT
It is hard on us both. I can feel him holding himself away from me, the way he does when he's down or feeling weird about things. He doesn't want to talk about it any more. I've been having a bad couple of days. The thoughts are back with vengeance. My health visitor suggested, when I feel the anxiety rising over a thought, to try and replace it with a calming thought like of my mother's face, or something I want. This worked for a bit, but it seems to have lost it's power now. I feel sick with anxiety all the time.
I heard back from the counselling charity. They don't want to take me on while I'm on the waiting list for cbt as they say it's not good to jump from one therapist to another, or have two therapists at once. So I guess I just have to wait. I hope the nhs gets back to me soon.
I went to the art class again this morning, and was made to feel bad by the childminder because I gave her a bottle of milk that was much to hot to give to my baby. She wasn't critical, and it was too hot, but I felt judged. Really it was just because I was feeling pressured, I would normally wait until it was cooler.Did a nice painting of my baby at art class though, feeling a little inspired now but baby is not cooperating with my desire for her to pose, never mind. At least I am getting some interest in things back.
Feeling crappy, tense and sick.
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Nov 30, 2011 15:12:30 GMT
Oh hun I know how awful it is, you'll get past this trust.
Try controlled breathing as thats worked wonders for me when I've felt so anxious.
Do you know how to do it? If not, search 'controlled breathing' and you'll find it on a post of mine.
Let me know if you can't find it and I'll send it xxx
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 30, 2011 15:28:17 GMT
Found it, thanks Nat. Will try that. I wish anxiety didn't make things seem so real. But I guess that's what it's there for!
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Nov 30, 2011 19:55:16 GMT
Really practice the breathing as it does take practice, but it really does work so concentrate and keep at it xxx
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