nzmum
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Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 20, 2011 17:51:07 GMT
Thought I might start a diary to see if I can identify triggers. This is a great website, of which I've so far made completely selfish use. I'm so wrapped up in my own problems, I haven't offered any support to others. I will try to do so soon.
My daughter is now 20 weeks old. I've been struggling to cope since she was 5 weeks. It seems like forever, although I guess it's not that long really. I know from looking at some other posts here some people have suffered much longer than that.
Today has been a bad day. I've have been consumed by anxiety and a sick nauseous feeling I can't kick. My daughter slept from 6pm to 11am last night, up every 3 hours to feed, so I was able to sleep late (although of course I was getting up every 3 hours). While I appreciated the sleep, I think such a late start to the day depressed me. It feels like there is dust in my mouth. I don't mean literally, I mean emotionally, if that makes sense. Everything seems very bleak.
I have an obsession with sexual abuse and I'm seeing it just everywhere. I used to be convinced I was going to molest her, but that seems to have passed now, and I keep thinking my husband is going to do it, whether he means to or not. Unwittingly. It makes me feel completely sick. What set it off today was, for some stupid reason, I googled "fathers that tickle" or something similar, because he does tickle her a lot. I think most dads do. But any way he handles her makes me paranoid. I hate myself for it. Anyway of course I came across a story about a father who used to tickle his daughter on her privates as well as everywhere else - i.e. molested her by tickling. I felt so sickened by this I told my husband the story and he told me to f*** off. Then he said No, I want your brain to f*** off. I said I agreed. Poor hubby, he is suffering with this too. I have been feeling sick and out of it the rest of the day. Hoping I feel a bit better tomorrow. I'm chasing up my cbt referral tomorrow. And banning google.
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Post by juppster on Nov 20, 2011 18:13:28 GMT
Great that you have decided to start a diary here NZ mum...I really hope you find this site useful and please please don't worry about offering support to others at the moment, just focus on you for now. Hoping you get somewhere with the cbt referral tomorrow mate and defo agree on the banning google!!! Take care x
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 20, 2011 19:09:30 GMT
Hiya, I think the diary is a good idea. Sharing ure worries helps. I think banning google is a good plan. I hope your husband wasn't too hard on you about your worries. It's difficult for him too. Good luck with the referral. Sarah x
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Post by monica on Nov 21, 2011 11:31:30 GMT
Hope you don't mind me writing in your diary. It's a brill idea to offload and keep a record of how you are.
I would completely agree - don't google anything! You always will find the worst case scenario in even the most innocent of subject areas and if you in that frame of mind you will dwell and catastrophise anything you read. That's certainly what I did!
Did you get any job re: cbt referral?
Monica
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Nov 21, 2011 11:51:46 GMT
Hi hun
I cant watch or read the news anymore as it is a massive trigger for me.
Keep talking xxx
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 21, 2011 18:48:07 GMT
Not a good day. Woke up with a horrible image in my head and have had thoughts ringing round my head all day. I left messages with my health visitor about cbt referral but haven't heard back, which is unlike him. I wish I wasn't so suspicious of my husband, I feel like it's going to mean the end of our relationship. How much more of this can he take from me? I can see it's really wearing him down. I really feel for him but at the same time I am constantly checking and running over his interactions with her in my mind ... and of course there is always something that can be read into it. Why can't I relax? Told a friend what's been going through my head today. She was sympathetic and said when I come out of this I'll be flying. But it didn't make me feel any better.
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Nov 21, 2011 19:05:17 GMT
I'm not going to lie, this illness will test your relationship but it will make it so much stronger when you come out the other side. As a result of my illness, my partner and I have had sex maybe 10 times in the last year and a half, only twice this year! And of those 10 times I was wishing it would be over for probably 8 of them.
Up until last week when I had a breakthrough and felt able to (and actually realised I really wanted to) we hadn't been close in a long time. We've had sex twice in the last 3 days and I feel like he's fast becoming my best friend again.
I had thought our relationship was over many times and I've been so shocked that we've stayed together through this. He knew I cringed when he was near me, I felt dirty and thought that if I was turned on it must be the thought of my Son that turned me on, not my partner. It's been such a difficult ride, my partner has a very high sex drive and I couldn't handle him sorting hinself out or watching porn so he's basically had to be sexless for a long time.
Now for the first time in a long time I feel like we can actually get past all this.
My point is that your relationship CAN survive this. Keep pushing for help and try to explain your feelings to your partner without attacking him I.e. 'this isn't your fault and you've done nothing wrong, but this is how my PNI is making me think. Will you please reassure me just so I can calm down' etc.
My partner and I started relationship counselling a few months ago which really helped as she could get across what I was feeling to him, without it sounding so awful if that makes sense? Just something to consider x
You will ALL get through this. If you love eachother, you WILL come out the other side and you'll be a better wife for it and he'll be a better husband for it.
N xxx
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 21, 2011 22:44:16 GMT
Well said Nat!
It does get better luv, it's hard just now but I promise you it won't always be this hard. Talk to him, when you do, you will feel such a release. It might b hard for him to understand but he loves you. That's all that matters, anything and everything can be worked through together
Sarah x
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nzmum
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Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 22, 2011 10:32:00 GMT
Thanks for your comments ladies, it's so good to know other people have survived this. That's great you feel like you're coming through it now Nat - more power to you and your hubby for sticking at it. Gives me some confidence we might come through as well, we were fine before all this started!
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 22, 2011 16:35:36 GMT
Today started off ok, and I was alright most of the day. Then at some point I started thinking about how my husband had held her one time in the bath, as he leant over her to smile into her face, holding her backside between her legs. Why do I keep thinking about this? There was nothing in it. He became very uncomfortable when he saw the way I was looking at him and moved. I mean, come on, do I think he's abusing her in front of me? He loves her! These things I know but the image persists, and makes me feel like death. I tell myself if I actually thought something was going on I'd be out the door and rushing back to New Zealand in a jiffy. So somewhere I do know nothing is happening.
Not really sure what triggered the thoughts and dark mood this afternoon. But it went from being a memory I attached no significance to, to something completely sickening.
I chased up my health visitor and the psychiatrist about the cbt referral today. My health visitor recommended a local charity for counselling so I have an appointment with them on Thursday. It's not cbt but maybe it will help in the mean time. The psychiatrist is meeting with his manager on Thursday to discuss it, but didn't hold out much hope.
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Post by juppster on Nov 22, 2011 20:12:36 GMT
Ah, sorry your afternoon wasn't so great. The thoughts are so intrusive and frustrating i know and maybe the counselling in the interim will be good for you. Unfortunately cbt can be notoriously hard to get on the nhs, but it is possible..you just have to keep pestering them and pestering them. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you xx
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Nov 22, 2011 20:57:05 GMT
Same here Hun xxxx
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Post by Weeble on Nov 22, 2011 22:24:25 GMT
Hi nz mum
You are doing so well with this cruel illness. But you know you should give yourself a pat on the back for your strength, insight and composure.
What the other girls have said is true there is no quick fix but there is a fix, you will recover. It's so lovely to read your spirited posts
Keep writing
Kat
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 23, 2011 16:56:02 GMT
Today was a bit better. Still feeling very edgy, but generally lighter. Went to a mum's art session this morning, it was great. They have childminders, so you're not constantly interrupted. I did a still life of a shell - not particularly inspiring subject I know, but I enjoyed it. I didn't expect to enjoy it, but actually it was very therapeutic. Thanks all for your comments. I think it is really helping me getting everything "out there" on this website. I hope you are all feeling well today.
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 23, 2011 17:27:24 GMT
After making my last post I went to change her and had a bad incident with the barrier cream again, am now hyperventilating and feeling sick. Hope hubby gets home soon. How ironic.
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