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Post by onestep on Mar 26, 2012 13:13:46 GMT
I am hoping that this will help calm my moods down so thought I would try this. I realised today that I was depressed before my baby was born and moving house and all the stress before really did not help. I am also still thinking of the delivery and wonder if other women had what I had. During the pushing stage I was struggling so hard (over 3 hours) that I passed out and had a weird sort of out of body experience. The room was changing colour and my husband and the midwife swapped places very quickly.
I also realised that before I gave birth I was having odd flashbacks to when I was a child with my brother and how much I miss that. It's so strange I wonder if I'm having some sort of identity crisis or something?
Each day since I score myself out of 10 to see a trend to my days/emotions. Most days I am around a 3 or 4 at the moment. I want to feel happy/normal again but I am scared that this is me and it will never change.
Last night my husband said maybe I should not have any more children as I would have this depression. I don't want my baby to be an only child and always wanted three kids. I feel so down about this but maybe he is right. I can't cope and I'm not really up to being a mother. My friend said to me before I gave birth that I'm not a 'mumsy' person. I'm not sure what this means?
I keep looking ahead but can't imagine myself with my boy when he's 4/5/6. Why is this? It's like I'm in a dream and I want to wake up.
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Post by juppster on Mar 26, 2012 17:27:53 GMT
Hey Kim and welcome to the diary section.
I really hope you find it a safe place to pour out your thoughts and emotions. I can't really comment on the passing out and flashbacks but it would definitely be worth talking about this when you go for your counselling. I used to score myself out of 10 too and most days it was around the 4 or 5 but gradually, over time, it did start to increase until eventually you won't really be thinking about scoring yourself because you will be doing ok. As for having more children, this was my dilemma too. However, it doesn't necessarily mean you will suffer again if you were to go on and have another child and also, being that you have suffered this time around your gp will be much more aware that you are prone to pni and will hopefully be much better prepared to care for you and your child. Keep writing hun xx
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 26, 2012 19:59:04 GMT
During the pushing stage I was struggling so hard (over 3 hours) that I passed out and had a weird sort of out of body experience. The room was changing colour and my husband and the midwife swapped places very quickly. i never comment on other people's posts but i had to comment here as this is EXACTLY what I had. One point I got stuck with my eyes closed, another time i thought i had gone invisible and i couldn't tell the difference between time at all right throughout the labour i asked over and over again how long had it been since the last time i asked and sometimes they said 5 seconds, sometimes they said an hour but none of the time made any sense to me it all seemed like the same amount of time between asking. this was the start of PP for me and still happens when i get scared, upset, stressed etc. my gp has called is dissociation specifically derealisation though you sound like you had depersonalisation too.....google them. things get halos of light round them, everything turns browish like in an old photograph shadows appear out of nowhere people's voices sound distant i get a ringing in my ears which when it quietens down it takes all sound with it and time goes all out of sync then if it has gotten that far without someone coming to help me everything goes into tunnel vision then totally dark then i actually pass out. i cant look to the future either, never have been able to and i also cant remember the past the psychoanalyist i spoke to last week said i have so much trouble and spend so much effort living in the now i cant comprehend a past or a future
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Post by Weeble on Mar 27, 2012 5:41:35 GMT
Hi Kim and welcome
I used to score myself too. There are some apps you can get to help with that too.
Labour is a very tough time for our minds and bodies, pain, excitement, hormones, natural opiods, drugs and so much more.
It's tough onthe men pni. Just because u have it with the first does not mean you will get it again. I suspect he will feel differently in two years time when everything is healed
Kat
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Post by onestep on Mar 27, 2012 11:44:43 GMT
Hi
Thank you for all your comments they are helping keep in touch with reality. I lost it today, really bad day. My husband told me that he has a work event tonight sprung on him which means that he'll get back 1/2am. He said that he asked me and I said yes. I did not I cried. I am so confused, I am trying to lean on him and he helps me sometimes and not the next. I got into a rage. My throat hurts from screaming. I feel like I'm not a person anymore, I'm shadow. I can't even look at my baby today. I was improving and he sets me right back. I said look at what you've made me get like and he said no you did this to yourself. I don't know what to do. He knows I need tiny support from him and said that I was better Sunday and yesterday so thought he'd go as he wants to. I'm sure he's having an affair. I told him I want a divorce. I'd rather having nothing and no-one than this. At least I could get into a routine and be ok. The amount of hatred I feel towards my husband is unbearable. - Why do I feel like this one minute and then nothing the next. It's so odd! I can be so angry and then it just goes suddenly and I feel nothing. The sad thing is my mum was going to look after Seb for two hours and when she came round I was in tears so she left. I don't get that break now. I was also looking into a baby and mum swimming class and other classes. I feel that he takes this away from me by escaping himself. I just need him sometimes (not all the time) and to know what is going to happen this week. I cannot cope with sprung things. I feel so helpless! I used to be a confident woman and now I'm nothing!
I did wonder if I was suffering from more than depression as at times I feel very odd. Things do not seem real. I never felt the same after my experience at the birth. I was sure that I had moved into the spiritual plane where time does not exist and was helped to get through by spirits. No-one has tested me about this and my Health Visitor has discharged me. I can't face going back to the GP as my doctor has left the practice, they are quite rubbish!
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 27, 2012 14:24:02 GMT
Hi Things do not seem real. I never felt the same after my experience at the birth. I was sure that I had moved into the spiritual plane where time does not exist and was helped to get through by spirits. you are describing depersonalisation/de-realisation again it's caused by anxiety which often goes hand in hand with PNI Health visitors don't 'discharge' you until your youngest baby is 5 years old. They only make regular appointments when baby reaches certain ages but you are still on their records permanently until baby is 5
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Post by onestep on Mar 27, 2012 20:11:41 GMT
Hi Justme
Thank you for that. I do feel as thought they are washing their hands of me and that I am being a pain for them. The doctor I saw was terrible and offered me anxiety pills. I'm not sure if I should go for medication but what worries me is I am not being properly diagnosed. I feel so weird. When I feed my baby I look around the room and wonder what I would think of things if it were before he was born. It's like I lost myself when I gave birth and have not completely returned. Parts of me are wandering around and are lost and I need to wait for them all to come together again.
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Post by Weeble on Mar 27, 2012 20:22:41 GMT
Hi Kim
The feelings you describe are really common part of pni. I know quite a lot of us have them. Don't except you drs lack of interest, go back and persist. You deserve help
Kat
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 27, 2012 21:22:35 GMT
accept the anxiety pills. I went on citalopram 5 months ago and hardly ever dissociate any more unless i get VERY upset. I can now handle seeing/speaking to the health professionals whereas before I used to go what they called 'catatonic with repetitive movements' where i was so far out of it i just sat and stared out of focus or with my eyes shut with my hands flying about on their own doing repetitive waving, rubbing or circling movements over and over again almost totally oblivious to anyone or anything around me
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Post by onestep on Mar 29, 2012 19:07:22 GMT
I am going back there again. I hate it there. I get so close to losing it in the waiting area and wonder what they'd do if I did. They gave me 'propranolol' which made me bump into things so I could not care for my baby so I stopped taking them. I'm sure they did not help and I felt very odd with them too. I've always been a bit manic in my normal state and these made me feel kinda dead. I've realised that my rage is around my husband belittling my feelings and controlling me by preventing my coping mechanisms (going to my parents etc). I try to talk to him but he does not understand and sees me coping well some days and thinks that everything is better. He also thinks that I am blaming our jack russell dog who has anxiety issues herself and is home with me all day. I have been begging him for us to get her rehomed from after I gave birth. She is jealous of me and the baby and rolls in poo all the time. She poos and wees in the house and whines all day. He thinks that I should be able to deal with her and reform her. My baby is taking all my energy and more than I can give. I feel that this dog is preventing me from bonding with my baby as she is so demanding and her energy is so chaotic. I am so angry and frustrated all the time!! I don't understand and am deeply upset that he does not see that this dog is causing serious damage. Sometimes I want to run away. Sometimes I scream on the floor. I can't cope with all the chaos. It drives me insaine. It is taking every part of me to keep it together and I lose it only when I talk to my husband and he belittles my feelings by asking me to do more. I've realised that he is a very selfish man and even thought he knows what I am going through and thinking about he is still selfish. I talk to him about killing myself and my baby. I talk to him about needing to get commited and my total fear of this. He's seen me run into the bathroom with a knife, drive off to crash the car, screaming on the floor. I'm so heartbroken because I know that my relationship is shit and the one time I needed support he has put more pressure on me. He tells me that this is having a bad effect on him, tells me that it stops him doing his work. He bullied me into breastfeeding when I could not do it. All this has led me to this road I am on now and I see that now. My husband want me to look after him, two dogs and my newborn. He does not care how bad I get and thinks I am attentions seeking. I actually hate him at the moment because he is trapping me. I am in hell and he is looking at me and asking me to do more. I am broken and things will never be the same again.
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Post by juppster on Mar 30, 2012 17:08:39 GMT
Hey onestep I'm so sorry you're relationship with your husband is under so much strain. Do you think he really understands how much his behaviour is affecting you? Would you feel able to let him read some of your posts on here if you can't get the words out? How about some form of counselling together? Sadly, unless you have suffered from this illness it is very hard to understand it. However, clearly your relationship is having a huge affect on how you are feeling. Perhaps you could mention it to your gp when you go? or again, write everything down, take copies of your posts on here, anything to relate exactly how bad you are feeling. You really don't need to be suffering like this sweetheart. Please keep talking to us here xxx
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Post by onestep on Apr 5, 2012 0:36:38 GMT
Hi Juppster
The sad thing is he has read this and still continues to be very selfish and a bully at times towards me. I've realised that our relationship is over and that I need to find a way out. Tonight it happened again. He forgot to do the night feed so my baby woke up and I will get no more than 4 hours sleep max tonight so I am on here. I can't sleep and I realise that it's my marriage that is the reason not my child. When I woke tonight he rolled his eyes and complained that I was keeping him awake. I can't go on with someone like this. If he was a friend I would have ditched him long ago. All the love I've got for him has turned into hate over his attitude and so called 'help' during this time. I've learnt that he will never be there for me and that I've got to do this alone. Since I've learnt this why stay married? I know when I get desperate it's because of his emotionless response to my upset when he lets me down in big ways. He's ignored my sleep deprivation, ignored my serious cries for help and called me things such as a bad mother and a failure because I could not breast feed. I'm going back to the doctors for help and need to lean on my parents more as he cannot and will not be there for me. As for being intimate, no-one would want this with some one as selfish as him. He's had an easy ride with me and now I see how unbalanced our relationship was. I'm so down, I will never open up to him again!
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Post by juppster on Apr 5, 2012 9:22:10 GMT
You poor thing. It so sad that its come to this but if this is really how its made you feel then you need to do what is best for you and your baby..good luck x
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Post by monica on Apr 5, 2012 13:15:54 GMT
Hello Kim
I hope you don't mind me writing in your diary.
I can relate to much of what you've written about your husband. When I was in the depths of pni he wasn't there for me at all. He never once gave me sympathy and support which i craved so desperately. He bullied me too and I was in such a bad place I let him. I hated him more than I have ever hated anything before.
However if you are in a bad place yourself maybe get yourself treated whatever form that will be in so you are stronger. Sometimes when you start to recover you see things in a different perspective, maybe you will want to try and repair your relationship or maybe you will decide it's over, but you will be in a stronger position.
My bf said later that he simply could not cope with the way I was. For many people unless they have experienced mental health issues they are simply unable to fully comprehend how difficult life is. They see it as a case of pull yourself together. It's not that simple. Men in particular bury their heads in the sand or lash out when inside they probably feel quite helpless and equally alone.
Do you and see your gp again. Try to explain all the symptoms you are and have experienced. You need a proper diagnosis and treatment. Whether you take meds is your choice but for me they were the turning point in my recovery. I deferred from taking them for months (I'm not mad! was one of my usual thoughts!) but in the end our of sheer desperation I did and haven't looked back.
Love
Monica
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Post by onestep on Apr 6, 2012 9:04:33 GMT
Hi Monica,
Thank you. The things is I'm feeling better each day but my feelings toward him do not change. I've got a bad wisdom tooth at the moment and struggling to look after the baby as it's been very painful and he's been waking loads in the night. My husband said that he would care for him the whole of today being Good Friday but stayed up last night til 4am watching movies so when I left for my physio appointment I left my sleeping baby in his care. I came today to find my baby in a state so upset and he said he did not hear him and is in bed. He does not care about anything but himself. I have only 3 hours sleep yet I get up everyday and care for our baby all day. I need to leave this man as the hatred toward him is unbearable. He sees how ill I am and then does this to me. What do I get from him, very little! I'm going to stay at my parents for a few days!
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