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Post by juppster on Aug 6, 2012 18:32:13 GMT
Hey Kim Its great that you are going to couples counselling, hopefully this will help your relationship with your husband to heal a little. As for whether you should go on drugs or not...its very much a personal decision. My view is that if you don't try them, you will never know, for me personally, a combination of the drugs and cbt was the way forward but ofcourse everyone is different. Could you go to your gp and discuss the drug / therapy options? x
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Post by onestep on Aug 7, 2012 15:57:08 GMT
Hi Juppster
Yes I think I will go back to the doctors. I feel so much better than I was. I would say I am about 80% back. The problem are those days when I am bad. They seem to be 10 times worst than they were. Today my husband told me that he thinks that I have behaved like this before suggesting that it has nothing to do with postnatal but I feel that he was being cruel as I did not feel like this before having my baby. He has also bullied me before and been quite controlling and I do feel that he is manipulative with his ways of doing this. This thought that it is 'my' problem and that I need to sort myself out really upsets me. I am hoping that this counseling will help.
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Post by monica on Aug 7, 2012 18:35:15 GMT
Hi Kim
I know on bad days life is awful but have come so far in a relatively short space of time. You are doing brilliantly! There seem to be a few main issues in your life.
Pmt - it is extremely common to get pmt with /following pni. I got this never really suffering from pmt previously. My cpn who specialised in pni suggested vit B/evening primrose supplements to help relive ths. Also perhaps start a mood diary on a daiy basis so you can chart when changes occur and thus notice a pattern.
Depths of blips/pmt - you have mentioned that on bad days you feel very low, almost uncontrolable feelings. Again you are not a bad person for feeling this way - you can't help it! Kids an drive you insane at the best of times and most people at some point lose it and feel tat momentary hatred. I have! When you feel rubbis, its so much easier to be affected anything. You are less patient as well. Talk to your dr about this. If the link s pmt related some ladies take certain antids fr several days each month to control this. There are probably other remedies to help ease how u feel.
Do you do any exercise? Perhaps try doing something especially on those low days that will get those endorphins going and burn off some of that nervous energy.
Re your husband, can I ask what he thinks f his behaviour in the past? Does he realize how manipulative and controlling abusive in short it as been. I think it's a sign of how well you are that you are not letting him behave in this way. Additionally it's going to ake time for him to understand his behaviour and learn to change it.
Many blokes think the whole pni r anything is our problem to sort out. I ave serious trust issues with my partner now since discovering his behaviour with other omen during our relationship yet when i confronted him he sad there was nthing he could do to resolve my lack f trust. Aggghhh.
Hugs. Let us know how u get onxxx
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Post by onestep on Aug 20, 2012 11:54:26 GMT
Hi Monica
Thank you for your kind words. I think it is very hard as before I was a strong and giving person. I gave my all to my husband and it is hard for him to do this back for me during this hard time. I try and communicate that I am having a bad day and he ignores this and carries on arguing with me as if it were normal. Things not good today. We have been given a way of being with each other from the counselor to try and prevent any huge arguments.We went to a family wedding on Saturday which I found hard as later in the evening one of the best men started being a pest to me and got quite verbally aggressive after he realised I was married. o watch a movie in quiet. I was trying to keep things calm. We left early and together which was great as I felt that the counselling had work and that my husband was supporting my feelings. The next day we were invited to a family BBQ with loads of people from the wedding there. I did not want to go as was having a bad day but my husband did. I did not have an issue with him going but wanted him to understand how I was feeling and take it into account. He lied and said 8 times out of 10 you do not go to any of my family events. I still kept calm and he went out for a walk to cool off which we agreed in counseling. He came back but we did not agree to discuss the matter. I felt he was doing his usual ‘hope we don’t need to talk or do anything and this will all go back to normal’ thing. I went to bed early about 10pm and struggled to get to sleep, he came back late so I was home for about 5 hours alone with the baby. Was crying most of yesterday and would say it was about a 3/10 on my scale. Did let him know several times it was a bad day but he seemed to ignore this. Today eventually I apologised for the last thing I said to him last night that was I did not want to cuddle with him. I said even though his actions were not great that was no excuse. I had changed my pattern and said I was proud of what I had done. We agreed to talk tonight and he worked. I respected his space. He came into the room and asked if I wanted a tea. He then told me that he had been invited for a sailing weekend and said that he had said he needed to talk to me. I started getting angry as we are supposed to be working on this marriage and Wednesdays and Saturday are our time together, at least until we makes things better and agree to do other things. He started saying but what if I was invited to Disney land I should say no. It was odd as he was arguing that he should be able to go off at the moment and I was saying he was insensitive to even discuss this. We are supposed to be trying to work together and spend time together and I would of thought someone on the brink of divorce would not be so flippant. We have not even managed a week of our agreement which he now states I am using to control him. He said that he was not happy with the agreement of ‘leave the house when angry or when Kim asks me to go’. Essentially what he is saying is that he thinks it unfair that I have any say in any disagreement or argument and that he should be able to dictate when both I or him talk about it. I am tired of my emotional void wreck of a husband. I lost it and again threw his phone. I did not and do not know what to do. This man is so controlling emotionally that I cannot cope. He is so insensitive and manipulative that it is impossible to work with. He is inflexible and I've realised that I am trapped. He left and I got so upset and angry that I was calling him. I had lost it completely. The disrespect coupled with the insensitive tit for tat approach is unbearable to me. He came back worried about what I would do, essentially only caring about him, again. I have said I’m not going to do anything negative, I do not want to talk. I give up completely and I do not want to be this way anymore. This is killing me and I cannot do this anymore. He left but is coming back for his clothes at 6pm. I need more from life. He is emotionally immature and we go round in circles. He will not work at anything!
I know that I still have bad days but I am a women going through depression that has a husband that cannot cope. It's sad but there is nothing more that I can do and sometimes you have to know when to walk away. Today is my day!
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Post by juppster on Aug 20, 2012 12:24:21 GMT
Oh Kim, I'm so sorry things have gotten this bad between you. Are you due to have another counselling session this week? Perhaps you could print off your last post here and give it to the counsellor to read to convey exactly how you are feeling? Do you think having some time apart from eachother would do you good? x
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Post by onestep on Oct 1, 2012 17:07:37 GMT
Hi all,
Things are much better. Our counseling has been working and my husband has said that he has reaslised how selfish he was and demanding toward me. We now do some exercises called active listening which has allowed us to understand each other. I have struggled with this at first as I think I was emotionally desperate and had nothing left to give. As time has gone on I feel better each day. I still have a few bad days each month but I communicate these to my husband and he ensures that he gives me extra help each day. Things have been so much better that we are talking about a second child. I am very fearful of this happening all over again but if I pull apart my postnatal depression I think it comprised of some subsections which are mainly:-
1. Feeling like I am losing my adolescence and a separation from friends and family as my relationship can never be the same again. 2. Worried about being a mum as I feel I am not a responsible person and do not fit the 'mummsy' mold. 3. A huge part was my husband's reaction to my struggles in that he avoided me and wished to spend more time away from me. I felt like my baby had separated me from my husband. 4. Because I was worried about the above even when my baby slept I did not and this compounded my feelings. 5. I had a difficult birth so was also haunted by the memories of this and felt like I did not really know who I was because of my out of body experience during this.
I think if I could summarize everything the above would be the most main factors.
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Post by juppster on Oct 1, 2012 19:08:53 GMT
So lovely to hear things are easier for you x
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Post by Weeble on Oct 1, 2012 19:39:55 GMT
Hi Kim
Sorry I have not been around for a bit. Had to go away for work. It sounds like you have been going through the mill. Poor you. Still so pleased your other half has seen his involvement in your recovery is essential
Kat
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Post by monica on Oct 21, 2012 20:29:25 GMT
Hi
It's great you can o over your pni and identify the root causes. Having a child is a huge change in your life and it des upset t balance in ll arts of relationships. On the plus side, if you have a second you can now watch out for possible problems. Your relationship with oh has changed so positively. You now both can talk thru any problems nd support each other. This is really amazing. Additionally, you have now experienced having a child so in that respect it won't be such a shock if you see what I mean. If you've had. Difficult birth, you can see a consultant and put in place a care plan. Hopefully that would reassure you.
I,m so peased things going well. I do wish my relationship could have changed so positivelyx
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