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Post by monica on Apr 6, 2012 14:54:49 GMT
That sounds like a good idea. You will have a breather from ur oh and hopefully some r and r at ur parents. Have u thought about the practicalities of being single? Maybe start planning even if that's all that you do for now. Enjoy your breakx
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Post by onestep on Apr 30, 2012 14:33:33 GMT
Why is things seem to get better and then get worst again. I think this is the part that I am finding the hardest. I find that I have triggers to how I feel. Certain things happen (very small and not very important really) and it sets me off. I started seeing a counsellor and have had my first session which although I felt a relief afterwards, it did bring me back to how I felt when it was really bad. I think that it forced me to deal with things that I was avoiding.
I've also had two very bad situations with my husband. I know it must be very hard for him but I've realised that our relationship was based on my mothering him. I mean that he does very little and expects quite a lot from me. This was not a problem for me as I like doing lots of things and looking after people. Since I've been ill I've been looking to him for support and I've realised that he is not giving me this and letting down as this is our relationship. It did not bother me as much until now. Things got so bad the other night that he was screaming in my face. He has been abusive to me before and I now understand that I am still upset and angry about this. He feels that these things are done with and should not be talked about. I've realised that I've not dealt with these and the reason I feel that he does not respect and care about me is due to our previous history. I know that when I lose the plot it must be hard to deal with and cope with as I am hysterical and do talk about killing myself often. I was scared on Friday night that he would harm me as he was daring me to try and get out of the room and trapped me for a long time. I panicked and called the police which may not of been the best thing to do. When they arrived he had left and tried to sleep in his car. There was no crime but since he has done this before they said that I could apply for a restraining order to give me break from him. They could see that I was not right and are concerned that no one has properly assessed me as I notified the HV and two doctors. I have an appointment with a physiotherapist I think. I am worried that they think I'm a danger to myself and I'm terrified of being sectioned. They keep on saying that they have a duty of care to me and do I understand. I know I may need more help but feel like this is a relapse and don't want to make it into anything bigger. I wonder if it is common to go back and forth?
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Post by juppster on Apr 30, 2012 18:10:00 GMT
Hi onestep, lovely to hear from you. I'm so sorry to hear of the problems with your husband, that must be really tough for you. The ups and downs and backs and forths that you talk about are very common with this type of illness but usually the downs start to get less frequent with the ups taking over.
However, i'm guessing if things are great at home then this will be contributing hugely to how you are feeling along with starting your therapy...this can also affect how you feel to start with as it brings up lots of things that you have tried to avoid but eventually it will be for the better. Keep talking to us here x
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Post by onestep on May 18, 2012 11:04:53 GMT
Hi Juppster
I have noticed that the ups and downs are getting less frequent. Today is another bad day. I find that I try to express myself to my husband and he blames me and turns my depression around to how much it makes him depressed. I feel like I'm living with a teenager and I find this very hard to cope as it is clear that he cannot look after himself. I think that really what I need is to be away from him for a long period of time and for him to seek help. The counseling is also helping me as I am working on myself irrespective of anyone else. I am also understanding how to look at this retrospectively and shield myself from anyone elses problems. I've realized that I've let people, not just him, walk over me and bully me in my life and I want to take back control of it. I need to be myself and not have someone punish me for something they cannot or will not achieve. I feel like I'm evolving but also leaving others behind. Maybe this is a part of life but it is making me feel stronger. My outbursts are pure frustration and I need to learn to channel these better. Part of them building up is my husband's 'head in the sand' response. I need a way out of this hole I feel in and to express myself more and be the person I wish to be. I no longer blame things like being a mum or having a baby or even having a bad husband. I blame myself for letting these things seem like a problem. I am so pleased to be a mum now and see it as an opportunity to thrive. I do feel like I need to get out of this negative marriage and wonder if that is part of the depression or part of me reaslizing what I've been going through for a long time. Abuse is not just physical. I've been suffering mental abuse and guilt tripping for years. I can see that now and need this to stop but how?
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Post by juppster on May 18, 2012 19:08:51 GMT
Hey, glad to hear the mood is evening out a little bit. Would you consider going to counselling as a couple to try and sort out your problems first? x
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Post by onestep on Jun 21, 2012 17:54:47 GMT
Today has been another bad day. I now know that there is alot of anger towards my husband about his behavior in the past and how selfish he has been. I've had 6 personal counseling sessions and did feel better for them. My husband wants to do marriage counseling but I do feel now that it would be a waste of time. He is very set in his ways. He helps with the baby but it is really about doing it for him and not about me. He does not appreciate my anxiety about times and the Baby's needs to go to bed and be fed at certain times and that the impact is I get less sleep and a baby who is angry. Because it does not directly affect him he disregards this and places his importance over all. I have decided to book an appointment with a solicitors to discuss divorce as I think I'd be better on my own now. I would never stop him seeing the baby but I do not feel that we work as a couple and I think, if I marry again, I would need a more sensitive and compassionate partner.
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Post by juppster on Jun 21, 2012 19:21:10 GMT
Hi onestep, im so sorry to hear that you are feeling so unhappy in your relationship. Would you not consider the relate marriage counselling? Sometimes it can be really useful to get out in the open how you are both feeling with the guidance of someone else....and from personal experience, this really helped my husband and his ex partner to realise that they weren't meant to be together any more but made it more amicable x
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Post by juppster on Jul 1, 2012 19:01:03 GMT
Hey Kim, just wondering how things have been for you recently? Remember you are more than welcome to come and talk to us whenever you need to xx
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Post by monica on Jul 2, 2012 7:30:46 GMT
Hi Kim
Just echoing Jo thoughts. You sound really positive and have reassed your life. Hw are things with your husband? Marriage guidance might be a good thing. Even if u ave decided the relationship is no longer fr you maybe counseling can pave the way to an amicable separation. It might also help your husband understand how his behaviour has been awful to you.
Monica
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Post by onestep on Jul 15, 2012 8:44:30 GMT
Yes thank you monica and juppster we are looking to get some help from a counselor. I've been for a single session and am not sure about the person we have picked as she seems quite into labels. I am reaslising that my original counselor was fantastic and I might go back to her for a few session. She did, however, highlight that although people helped me with the baby they never asked me how I was going emotionally. I can understand as it is not something that people feel comfortable with and maybe they did not want to hurt my feelings.
As for how I am now I have lots more good days than bad, I have a strong bond with Seb that I really need to force on myself in the early days as I could have let my mum have that with him. I am pleased I hung on in there with this. My bad days, however, are really bad. I spiral into a self destructive and self loathing pattern in which I cannot control myself. I do really worry about my thoughts and have been close at times on acting on these. I find that these triggers set off a pattern of negative behavior and I'm not sure how to stop this. I feel like this depression destroyed my personality and I am like a child at times having a tantrum as I do not know how to deal with these situations. I think back to when I was at my worst and I think that I was very bad with thoughts of suicide and harming my baby. I still not understand why I had these. I felt like my personality had been sucked out of me and I that I had been reborn at the same time as my baby but I had no time to find out who I was! I was seeing things in the house and even now I feel that it is haunted. I see my boy staring at something in the room that frightens him along with both my dogs. I felt close to the spirit world being so tired and could not sleep at night. I still find sleeping hard at times and can only really do this when I am very very tired. My little boy sleeps well now most nights from 8pm through til 7am with a late sleepy feed so I was hoping that my sleep would get better, it has not returned back to what it was although I think I've relaxed a bit!
I hope that in more time things will get even better. I am happy to be a mother and could not imagine life with my LO. I want more children but I feel that I need my husband to be more caring and loving emotionally towards me. To see how fragile I really am!
I am not sure if all these things are common for women with PNI but I do feel angry that there is not more help out there. I really feel that at my worst if I had been put on medication I might no longer be here as I could not have coped with any mental side effects!
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Post by Weeble on Jul 22, 2012 20:03:46 GMT
Hi one step
Sorry I have not been around for a few days. How are things now? Saw your comment about people not asking how you are? I think that's quite common, some people think having a baby is easy!
Would love to hear how things are
Kat
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Jul 29, 2012 6:43:20 GMT
Hi onestep
How are you doing? I too thought my house was haunted! I'd smell this strong burning smell in my LO's room and it was not coming from any electrics or anything, I'd see orbs on his video baby monitor too which freaked me out :/
Not had anything like that happen for ages now though x
Love Nat xxx
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Post by monica on Aug 3, 2012 23:58:40 GMT
Hi
How are you? Just wanted to say that in soe respects I found my bad days to be so mch worse when I started recovering. You get a glimpse of how wonderful life can be only to plummet back down on the bad days. It's a roller coaster ride. In time though the blips will become shorter, less intense and less frequent.
Maybe counseling with cbt (cognitive behavioural techniques) would help you learn Hw to manage the negative thoughts on bad days? Maybe ask about that at ur next session.
Monica
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Post by onestep on Aug 6, 2012 14:48:54 GMT
Hi All
Thank you for your messages. I am terrified that I am not getting better. I find that around my time of the month things go out of control. On Friday things with my husband got really bad. I think mainly because I was back at work last week but off on Friday and felt that I was stuck again with him having a lay in and doing what he wants (he had the day off). I know it was inconsiderate of me but we had a horrible argument because of this. We are going for couples counseling and it has been helping as we have been trying the active listening but I do feel that when I have a bad day nothing will help. My ideas of the house being haunted has got worst. On Saturday I saw something lingering outside our house that was not human. I feel something pressing on my back when I get into bed. I thought that these thoughts were because of the lack of sleep but now my baby sleeps from 7pm through til 7am so it cannot be that. I am worried that I am getting worst again. I do find it interesting that Monica you said the bad days seem worst. I worry as I have no control on these days. My marriage has been abusive and I know I hold a lot of memory and resentment for this even thought it is better now. I find myself punishing my husband for these times along with what he did when my baby was little. He got very angry about me not breastfeeding and I feel that pushed me further into my depression. I think I am now thinking more about how I felt in the last 6 months and getting annoyed about people not helping me in the way I needed.
Do I need to go on drugs, now I am unsure? I just feel like I want to run away, not from my baby but from my life. I am very confused by all this and unsure as to why I feel this way!
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Post by juppster on Aug 6, 2012 18:32:03 GMT
Hey Kim
Its great that you are going to couples counselling, hopefully this will help your relationship with your husband to heal a little. As for whether you should go on drugs or not...its very much a personal decision. My view is that if you don't try them, you will never know, for me personally, a combination of the drugs and cbt was the way forward but ofcourse everyone is different. Could you go to your gp and discuss the drug / therapy options? x
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