butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 10, 2016 11:29:07 GMT
Well. I my tummy is a bit better but not complety gone. My foot is bad but i suppose not too bad. I have desided that c has to move out. Its up to him if he wants a part time relationship with me but i think he is not getting on with the kids and its making us all unhappy. I will try and write more later. I am trying to be tough and firm and strong. Its hard.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 13, 2016 7:01:31 GMT
So c is now staying at his mums. He popped in yesterday for 2 mins to sort a tv out for me. He was cold towards me. Although we have agreed that we are still togethrr in a relationship and want to sort everything out i cant help feel this is the beginning of the end.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 13, 2016 13:39:36 GMT
Right now. I am close to rock bottom. Sitting in a waiting room. To have a scan on my tummy. Scared i have some terminal illness. And feeling so alone. I just want to cry. My mind is racing. Thinking that c hasnt even called or text to wish me good luck. I know how he deals with failing relationships. He goes looks for another. I just want to cry my eyes out right now. But gonna try to hold it in.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 13, 2016 14:34:50 GMT
So the scans done. No gallstones. But the lady said my liver is bright which indicates deposits on liver. Ie fatty liver disease. So if i didnt feel shit enough. I am fat on the inside and out and shit everywhere. In the end told c who had completly fogotten about the scan. Seemed a bit shocked but i dont really think that bothered. Think i will just go slit my wrists
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Post by monica on Oct 13, 2016 16:30:37 GMT
No BF no! Pls pls contact someone if you feel you'll harm yourself. You have so much going for you (and probably more! ) without C. I know how low you can feel if the relationship can't be saved - I know how much you love him but you have 3 amazing children who love you and need you, family friends a business you've built up yourself . Even if you're alone without C you can build a life for yourself that will be happy and fulfilling. Of course the medical issues add to your stress but hopefully it's something that can be resolved .
I'm sorry to say this but other than initially C has treated you badly in the whole and taken you for granted. You can and will be happy. Of course it'll hurt if C jumps into another relationship - it's his loss as you're an amazing woman and have given him so much. Him forgetting you appt is just another example of his selfish behaviour.
As I said I completely understand your pain and the feelings of worthlessness they bring up . I split up from s guy in Feb - I felt so shit about myself but can say there is light st the end of tunnel and life can and will be good again.
Really try and focus on the positives in your life, get support from your nearest and dearest and hcp. Here for youx
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Post by monica on Oct 14, 2016 4:43:14 GMT
How are you today? Lovely pic of you and J on fb! X
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 18, 2016 8:42:41 GMT
Thank you mon for your kind words. X
I wish i could report feeling better but i dont.
My foot i killing me. I am having 1-2 outbursts of severe abdo pain every week
Morning as a stuggle for me, my meds sometimes make me tired and i dont function well. I called the dr yesterday and was told i couldnt get a telephone consultation as i called in late. (About 915)
Well the kids this morning were naughty. I couldnt run after them all because of the pain. I got up at 715 and should have got up at 630.
I was about to call the dr to arrange an appt at 825 when i realised h had to go to school dressed as a farmer.
After manically searching for a farmers outfit we get one.
Get in the car, call drs (its 840) no appts.
Needless to say i qasnt very poliet to the recptionist whixh i am sorry about.
I get to school, nowhere to park about from 500m away. I am in so much pain i literally cant lift s. So i park on yellow lines outside the school all the parents are staring at me giving me evils.
Kids out, watch them go to gate.
Take s to pre school. Feeling proud that for the firat rime in a week i have remembered her nappies and spare clothes.
Manager tells me off for being 2 mins early.
Come home, need to talk to someone, no answer from mental health team, s is probably asleep called her no answer, j my mate no answer, mum is at work- tried calling - answer phone. C - no answer.
I feel very alone and unsupported right now.
I have bipolar, i am classed as having a disability plus 2 health problems one that effects my mobility. Not to mention 2 young children and a toddler. I have no partner supporting me during the week.
No hcp are helping. The cpn that calls me always phones when i cant talk, and i feel rushed talking on the phone.
I need some help right now.
I have asked but no one is around.
I am very greatful for having this diary.
J just phoned she is coming around for a cuppa. Thank god Sent from my SM-G920F using proboards
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Post by monica on Oct 18, 2016 14:55:59 GMT
Hope the day went ok in the end. Any news on drs apt?
try and tackle each problem individually. Just a few thoughts:-
RE; school, as you can't walk atm can you contact school so they can maybe allow you to park in front of school so someone can come to collect kids or park in car part or something. I'm sure some allowance could be made.
It does sound as if you need some more support right now. This is such a difficult time for you with C, foot and abdo pain. If you can't get at crisis team help perhaps you could approach hoemstart or something similar. They are a charity who gives one to one support - it might only be for a couple of hours. I was offered this when I had pni and the lady that I met was lovely - it miht be worth looking into.
Also could C help out more? He does have a daughter after all??
Big hugs my lovelyx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 18, 2016 15:03:56 GMT
Hi monica. The day has been full of epic fails so far. But i suppose nothing too major. Sitting in waiting room waiting to see ortho dr re foot. C is having s over night tonight at his mums. But i will have to feed her etc and he will return her in the morning at 700am and she will be grumpy tired and out of routine. He plans to do the same thursday. I talked to my friend today and i said that i kind of realised that yes i am struggerling but even when c was at home he didnt help much. Even qhen he was at home at the weekend i syggested he could tidy up the garden ready for winter. He kept saying yeah i know, i am looking at it. But didnt actually do anything.
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Post by monica on Oct 18, 2016 15:11:10 GMT
Hi
Good luck with your ortho appointment - I really hope something can be done to help you.
I guess it is a change of routine for S but kids are resilient and i'm sure she'll get used to it. Maybe S could have dinner there - it might make it a little easier for you? x
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Post by monica on Nov 3, 2016 20:00:38 GMT
How are you doing? Are things better with C? X
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Nov 4, 2016 12:47:24 GMT
Hi Right now i have a stinking cold and am very tired. J and h behaviour has been appauling. C stayed over last nught as it was j's birthday we all went out. Majour meltdowns.
I need sleep.
Good news is i bought a night support boot for my bad foot and it is helping. Pain has improved! :-) a long way to go but i am pleased its been less than a week
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Post by monica on Nov 5, 2016 15:53:29 GMT
The are horrible colds and bugs everywhere! Hope you get better! Good news on foot issues - I've had a dose of plantar fasciitis )I think) and that's been bad enough. What is the long term plan!
I'm sorry the other day was stressful due to various meltdowns - what happened? I hope the weekend is going ok though in spite of freezing weatherx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Nov 6, 2016 10:30:59 GMT
I feel like total crap. To the point where i actually am thinking about ending my life. I am tired. I am in pain. Life is a constant fight. I feel like no one is caring for me. I feel alone. I have told c. He patiently listened. He didnt give much of an opinion said i need to plan my week and ask for help. My car broke down in the middle of nowhere down a lane, in pitch black, in the freezing cold, in the rain, its totally f**ked. Waited for ages for AA. I think i got mild hypothermeria as my i feel like i now have a chest infection. The journey back being towed was terrible. My battery went flat and my lights went out. I couldnt see to stear and i couldnt beep the horn or open my window. I had a panic attack and was hold the steering wheel so tight i have pulled my shoulder. I drove for 4 miles like that befor he noticed. I am just so low. I will phone the mental health team on monday and try and ask for help. But i wont lie i do have strong suicudal thoughts.
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Post by butterfly on Nov 6, 2016 11:38:28 GMT
As the minutes pass by my mood is crashing lower and lower. I genuinally feel like suicide is a good option.even though i can see all the trauma it would cause the trauma of me staying alive is more and would cause more damage. I am not strong enough to fight anymore. I want to give up. There no point in trying to compete in this race as i am never going to win. There are no solutions to my problems. I am nevrt going to make people happy. I am never going to be happy. I have considered telling c how i feel, i did a little. But if i tell him how unsafe i feel he will think i am doing it to make him stay rather than go back to his mums
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