butterflys diary

[monica]

Things sound really good for you and your little family . Glad life with C has stabilised - I’m sure that helps you too in how you feel. The kids all sound so confident and happy! The kick boxing I’m sure will help with confidence when faced with bullying not so much in how to physically defend themselves but if you look and feel confident it’s a big bully deterrent!

My kids are 19, 14 and 9. Time just flies by!the eldest is taking a gap year and working in pub whilst he works out what he wants to do. I’m ok - perimenopausal! So I go through phases of feeling really drained and consequently it affects my mood, energy levels etc. It really is pants !

[butterfly]

Well today i have felt crap. My own fault as have been put of routine taling my morning meds.

Just a reminder of why I need them.

Lots of srress atm.

[monica]

Big hugs - that’s pants. If you get back into the routine how long will it take you to perk up? Can you get in touch with crisis team if you need to? X

[butterfly]

Hi
It's me. I'm back.
And I feel terrible.
I cant go through what's happend. It's too painful to go through it again. I am having waves of the worst emotions ever. I literally feel like my heart has been torn into a million pieces. Total rejection. Total humiliation. I feel like a total fool. I am in so much emotional pain I can't think straight. I literally cant eat. The thought of food going in fat ugly gob makes me want to vomit. The thought of what someone would think if they saw my ugliness scoffing food. I look like a pig, a ugly vile disgusting pig. It doesn't matter if I do my hair nice, nails clothes etc. Because my body is disgusting. Every part from my face down to my toes. Fat, hairy, nasty skin, my stomach, legs, breasts, thighs, legs, arms everything. He said I was fat, he thought all those things too. I feel so sick. So f**king sick thinking of how much my body must have disgusted him. He must be thinking of all the horrendous times we had sex and he had to look at it. He probably feels sick thinking about it.

[monica]

No no no Bf! You’re beautiful inside and out. The only disgusting thing is the unbelievably cruel way he has treated you. Saying all those nasty things. He has thrown at you the things he knows will make you feel crap about yourself . No one deserves that.

The fact you believe it shows how he has destroyed your confidence and self esteem over the years along with your ex because believe me if you could see the wonderful and beautiful person that everyone else sees you would have told him to go and f**k himself as soon as the words came out his mouth. Please please try to see this!

And actually you deserve to be treated like s princess with kindness and respect not by some vile and nasty idiot . Big hugs gorgeous girl x

[butterfly]

I dont know if I have ever heard you result to swear words Monica lol. Thankyou for replying and your kind words.
I honestly can say the support from the sisterhood that I have had has been incredible. Inhave so many lovely friends and caring parents.
I have been to the darkest of places the past few weeks and honestly can say that it has been hell.
I have lots of stuff to write. But have to make a phone call... so see you later

[monica]

Ha ha I have a mouth like a sewer! Always listening whenever you want to talk x

[butterfly]

Right. I am going to try and say what happend it's actually really hard to get it all out as lots of sad traumatic things happend in a short space of time.

In recent months Carl's drinking was getting worse. Every day it seemed he would be getting himself into a drunken induced sleep. I was concerned and pissed off. He was being even more lazy, snappy, miserable. About 2 weeks before the worst day, the last day we had a massive argument he told me I was a shit mother and my kids were horrible brats and that I didn't stand up to them. He said in blame Dave for thier bad behaviour but actually it's all my fault. He was aggressive. I told him to leave we did push each other (physically a bit) he was shouting and pointing his finger in my face. I told him to leave and he wouldn't. It was bad. Anyway, we moved on or forgot about that incident. In the 2 weeks or so before the worst day, the end day. Carl's behaviour changed. He was making an effort to look good, he was constantly on his phone, he was constantly going down the pub, he wasnt talking to me he was disconnected in some way. He was acting odd, my anenti was on red alert as I thought I could smell something fishy. Also in the 2 weeks prior to the last day of our relationship I was quite distracted. My friend Sandra's partner was having a bipolar manic episode. That is a story in itself and he was really ill. The mental health services were absolutely useless and she had to try and manage him at home with 3 kids. It was bad. I don't want to go into too much detail as it's not my story to tell but he should have been in hospital for his safety and he wasnt. One day there was a picnic at the school. He was stombing around the village and I was afraid he was going to come to the school. My friend was trying to get the police out. I was in the playground trying to enjoy a picnic but half expecting her psychotic partner to turn up who also at the time thought I was against him and stuff. I was scared I was scared for the kids and my friend. In amounts the drama I thought it best to tell the head teacher so I did I also broke down infront of Jack's teaching assistant. I will refer to her as "d".
Anyway shortly my friends partner was taken into hospital were he remains very unwell and under section.i had to spend a lot of time with my friend and her kids. Meanwhile carl was left to his own devises. God knows what he was up too.
On the weekend it was the village carnival and myself and the kids step mum (whom I get on with very well) were planning on doing a face painting and nail stall. Carl knew I would be occupied for the day and strangely had asked my friends eldest daughter to baby sit jemima for the day. Which was odd. During the day we were very busy. Carl spent the day asking for money out of my purse, drinking copious amounts from the bar and palming jemima off to anyone who would have her. Even my ex husband ended up with her for an hour or so and my poor dog. It was weird everyone thought the same, my ex, his wife her family too (who are lovely) it was bizarre. Later I found out my mum and dad found him outside the pub car park, on his own, looking at his phone with a very guilty look on his face. It was also noted that at the same time d was seen driving past.
That evening there were events going on up the recreation ground. I didn't want to go. But carl made a big thing about it, so off he went. My ex was up there and said he saw him. Standing on his own, totally absorbed in his phone. He sat down with them for a short while. Dvae said Carl said something odd about if me and Lucy spilt we would have a similar arrangement that we do. Dave said it was weird as they weren't talking about anything to do with that.
He also went into pub. Then back to the rec. Then came home. Pissed. He wasnt horrible to me. But emotionally disconnected.

The next day I had a couple of clients booked in. Carl took jemima to her friends party but didn't come home straight after and apparently went to the park were he bumped into d and her kids. He was telling me how they all had a lovely time and he spent ages chatting to d and her mother. The last one of the day of d. She had a voucher. Qmshe booked in for a gel polish. We seemed to be having a laugh and joke. She was telling me things about the school that perhaps she shouldn't have done but niall honestly I would share information clients tell me. But anyway she just seemed friendly. Really happy. She split fairly recently from her husband. But hasnt really ever said why. She has 3 kids similar ages to mine and she lives 4 doors up the road. Our kids play together. We have been friends but not massively close for about 8 or 9 years.
Anyway after I did her nails she asked if I could do her toes. I noticed she was flirting with Carl. But he can be flirty and some of my clients flirt with him in a friendly playful non toxic way. I didn't think much of it tbh. But his behaviour on general was making me paranoid. They had been discussing these garden pallets. We had some in the garden not being used and shed asked to have one as she wanted one as a project. I recall a moment were they stood next to each other and I thought something was off. Something seemed odd.i wasnt comfortable with it.
Anyway she left. And even though I witnessed flirting etc. I didn't think anything about her diseaving me. I trusted her 100% she was my Son's teacher, a friend. I had told her lots of stuff about myself and my family that I wouldn't have disclosed to anyone. She often said how my son was her favourite and she absolutely loved him.
Not long after she had gone I said to Carl I felt something wasnt right in his behaviour. I felt paranoid. He was angry at me and said I was having agony turn. I asked calmly if I could look at his phone and he became panicked said no. I said at that point. From your reaction I certainly will. He knew inward going to grab the phone and infront of me I saw him message d on whatsap and quickly deleted the whole conversation. I grabbed the phone and a message came through from her. Saying "oops, did we make her paranoid today? Shit!!! Xxx"
I was cross and confused. Carl grabbed the phone back and sent her a message saying Lucy is just being silly, we were only messaging about pallets. And then another message came through. "Ok" and then another "make sure any photos are deleted"
I went mad. I lost it. He was denying it saying I dont know what shes on about. It was only pictures of pallets.
I grabbed his phone got in my car and drove.
I drove in the direction of a local suicide point.but stopped at my other old friends house. Luckily she was in and in a panic state told her what was going on. I then drove back home and within seconds d came to the door. Apologising and denying everything and stuff.
She went. Carl wasnt talking to me. I then went round in a panic to Sandra's and then I went to d's house who denied it and tried to convince me nothing had happend. I believed her. But the messages just dont add up.
I came home and carl was watching top gear. I said we need to talk and he said he was watching the tv and didn't want to. I said we have to. What's is going on in your head I asked do you love me. He said no and that he was going to leave. And that was about it. He feel into a drunken coma asleep. The next day he went to work and now he is gone.
He has been cold towards me. Told me it's over. And there is no hope of us getting back together.
A few days later he called me and broke the news his nan had passed away. She had been very unwell in hospital. I loved her. She loved me. I am obviously sad. His family are in pieces about her passing away and that has meant I haven't been able to speak much too them. Although they all seem fine with me. I spoke to his mum yesterday and told her my point of view. I could see the disgust in her face. And said I should go to the board of governors re d.
His dad I saw at jemimas cousins party. God knows why he was there it was just for kids. He was miserable, cold. He knows stuff inam sure.
I had a wobberly moment of paranoia and sent d messages. I said we need to talk again she agreed but swore to me that nothing happend.
Speak later

[monica]

Oh poor you BF! that's horrible..truly horrible. I had a similar situation with my ex and the paranoia, insecurity drove me mad. I couldn't stop thinking about it and the hurt was indescribable. Saying that my ex's seeming potential infidelities had crossed a line in my head and I was now had to confront everything about our relationship that I hadn't previously. And that was a good thing even though really really hard.


What do you want? Really honestly ask yourself that. What do you want that's realistically achievable. Maybe write a list of things that are good and bad about C. Be really honest. You can do it on here if that helps.

Also write another list of things about your fears for the future with and without C. Also what you can do to help with the fears.

Whatever happens you will get through this and probably whilst it's all painful not least because probably you have feelings for him maybe consider that a life without him might be significantly betterx

[butterfly]

I actually feel really good today. Totally chilled. A bit tired in need of sleep. The list idea is a good one I am going to do that!

[monica]

Fabulous! This is the start of the good times! X

[butterfly]

Didn't last long. I feel crap now. I keep thinking I am gonna hear his car come round the corner and he'll come home.

[monica]

You know I think feeling ok, then rubbish then ok is a typical cycle - there will be tough times ahead but the good will last longer x

[butterfly]

This is madness. Putting the key to my happiness in someone elses pocket.
I am glad he has gone. But I am not glad he has vanished from my elder 2 lives. I am not glad that he wants to pretend our relationship didnt exist. I am not glad that I haven't been able to sit and discuss with him stuff. I am not glad I feel stuck with a delusional secret mission in my brain telling me to stalk him. To catch him doing something with someone just so I can hurt myself even more by seeing it. I am troubled. Some of my behaviour is self destructing. I want to feel pain. Its strange. My heads f**ked up

[monica]

The way you feel - the illogical side to it is quite normal. The wanting to feel pain and hurt when you're suffering enough - well I get that too . It’s sad that he won’t take your kids’ pain into consideration but I think that sort of sums him up - very self centred. I guess all you can do is focus on the older two and try to reassure them as best you can.

Believe me stalking him is just torturous. When I found out that my ex had dalliances with other women I became all consumed with checking up on him and some of the obsessive things I did were ridiculous but it was on my mind 24/7 . The day we split up I took the decision I would no longer do it as it no longer mattered - and it was a huge relief. Try to focus on building your new life instead of putting even a single second into him . I know that’s really tough but it’s for the best for you x