butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 13, 2020 18:07:49 GMT
Well f**k me. You literally couldnt write my life. Its utterly unbelievable. So g, it turns put he has a big drinking problem. And i mean bad. He binge drinks vodka, hides it. Has done from the beginning. Lots of stuff has happend. Like a couple of incidences where i had to call the police the first time i probably over reacted but he was banging on my front door shouting qt me drunk so i called the police. They discovered him in his car driving round the corner so he got arrested and lost his license. There was another incident with h, she was being very challenging and shouted qt her. Then there was another incident. Long story but i hqd to call the police. No charges. You can imagine what my exs are doing. I am literally like the worst mum in the world. He is currently banned from coming to my house when the kids are here or even when they are not! He hasnt hit or hurt anyone, this is just him shouting qnd swearing. My kids have been through a lot of shit and they are hard work. So its very hard to not shout and scream at them. I hqd been working with a key worker for h's behaviour and she has got a bit better. I am still seeing g. But i dont know if it will last. He is getting help from the alcohol team. His initial assessment is on tuesday. He ended up taking a madsive od after all this happend. So is also going to get help from mental health people. Anyway. C my lovely ex has now offically annouced he is in q relationship with my neighbour/friend/teaching assistant from the school. She lives so close i can see him visiting her etc. I think jemima met her offically this weekend. I cant find the words to deacribe how utterly alwful i feel. I took a small overdose the other week and ended up in a and e. But i didnt plan it and it was more like a self harm. The other day i felt so mentally unwell i wrote suicide notes and wrote plan on how to end my life. And i was serious. The only reason i didnt was because s was here. I threw the letters away and everything. But the emotional pain comes in waves. And f**k me. Its so bad. Rage anger humiliation embarrassment ashamed paranoid. I am paranoid at the best of times but now have the added real fact that i have ever neighbour in the street watching me and reporting back to my ex's. Fact. I am being watched constantly. The woman he is with is being cold and icy. No apology. Nothing. I am raging. Raging. To the point where i am having very very bad thoughts. The head master is aware and will deal with the situation but is on leave for 2 weeks. But its probably known and i have even heard rumours that she was shagging the head and thats why the woman left her husband. She had a perfectly good husband. Average looking, good with the kids, hard working, good round the house, cared about her. Wtf wpuld she want c. He is a naracist. Piss head. Liar. So i love g. But i cant see a future if he doesnt change his ways. He wants to. But the alcohol makes him lie. So brain is one second thinking. Kids kids stress, social services, being lied to and the implications of the new relationship, the appauling way they are treating me. Everyone is treating me appallingly. Apart from my family and a handful of friends. Mental health team is shit i have been waiting 18months for an intensive rehab course. I know have been doargnosed as umemotionally unstable personality disorder or bpd. The only treatment is the course. Meds dont help it (although i disagree - they stop me from killing myself) I dont know if i can handle all this shit storm. Its like the rollacoaster is getting worse. Theres only so much pain i can take and i am reaching my limit. I tried to have a nice weekend with my bf but it wasnt as nice as i had hoped. I am tired. Wired with emotion since i got back home from his (he has moved closer to me now and just in the next town). My mood has dramatically got bad
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 13, 2020 18:10:51 GMT
Just to clarify the girl c is seeing is the one i thought he cheated on me with. But they still deny it.
Also i have portraited g as a monster. But he can be so lovely and caring. We share the same intrests and stuff and he gets me. My life is so f**ked
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 14, 2020 6:52:59 GMT
I have always felt comfortable in my home. But now, now i being watched and judged by all my neighbours. The women up the road, i cant help but watch her movements, its impossible not too. She wont talk to me, she hasnt apologised or aknowledged how hard this is for me. I am supposed to be submissive and bend down and accept the disloyalty the lies. Do you know what i cant, every moment in this house i could die with anxiety. I cant eat properly, i cant concerntrste or watch tv, i am having diarrhoea constantly due to stress. I cant sleep although i am exhausted. I wake up at 330am and can't go back to sleep. I have to watch him come and go park his flashy car outside her house. I juzt want thid pain to end.
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Post by monica on Sept 14, 2020 19:15:14 GMT
Hi BF
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this shit - you certainly don’t deserve any of it. You’re an amazing lady not to mention resilient and will get through this, I know you will. I just wanted to say a few things to you - I hope you can see what I see.
C - well what can I say !! He is a c and always was. He doesn’t deserve you one little bit and though it might not feel that way , you’re far better off without the constant crap he dished your way. No support, no kindness - that’s not a relationship- that’s one person treating another appallingly. You did nothing to make him treat you that way - that’s in built in him and says a lot about the person who he is.
I do understand how it must hurt to have him rub your nose in it Every time he pulls at his girlfriends and that J has been officially introduced. You will always be her mum, her no 1. It must feel like he’s moved on with his life and you’re stuck with the shit. My bf of 2 years finished with me in a video call - he was going through a tough time with his son and I think his reaction was to just cut all ties with everyone. It still hurts now though it’s been 2 months but I didn’t deserve to be treated that way so I keep telling myself that - I do deserve better and so do you.
I’m sorry things with G have been so tough. My ex is an alcoholic so I really know how tough it is for you. His road to recovery - if he can - will be a tough one. Think about what YOU need and whether he can give you those things. Write an honest list! What do you get from the relationship ?
You really need suppirt right now. Is there any chance you can get crisis intervention . Perhaps try to make a comfort box - when things get bad that can be your go to place for things that soothe you. Are you able to realise when you’re at risk of harming yourself and get help? Well done on going to A &E .
Your family and friends sound fabulous - lean on them. The men in your life do no way define you. You’re gorgeous clever an amazing person and mum - you will get through this xxxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 14, 2020 20:58:54 GMT
Monica xxx thank you 💓
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Post by butterfly on Sept 15, 2020 5:52:41 GMT
Its stupid i know.
But when i thought he cheated on me. I literally predicted the future.
I am sitting in my garden, drinking a coffee. Knowing his van is parked out her house. Knowing they had cosy night. Whilst his daughter screamed and cried she was so unsettled. Insont know if she picked up tension from me. He collected her uniform because i am having dental work done today under sedation and he is gettinf her from school. I didnt let him in my house and his daughter was playinf and didnt really want to talk to him. I feel evil for hoping he felt like shit about that.
I am living my actual nightmare. In it, breathing it, watching it, feeling it. And its real. I cant wake up.
I know your right about him. Monica. He is a c. But in my head i am grieving for what i thought i had. I thought i had a fanily and a partner. I am also getting flashbacks of things. Everythings triggering me. I think i have ptsd from the trauma of how it ended or something. Now i am back in the war zone.
I tried moving on with g and he is fun. But because of everything, him not being allowed here. It feels like they have stopped me moving on. It feels like my feeling dont matter. It feels like i literally have to be in the room and watch them f**k. Its undescribable.
I am looking forward to having the sedation at the dentist. Hopefully the pain and drugs will distract me from my thoughts.
I self harmed laat night. Not bad but its the firat time for years i have done that. Because i purely dont knoe what to do.
On thursday i have a meeting scheduled with the deputy head. To discuss the situation. I am terrified because of it doesnt go my way, if my complaint is rejected. Inwill literally want to die.
I cant tell you how much i want to get a can of spray paint and write the c u next Tuesday word on his van right now.
I wont i will be good. I would only get into teouble
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 15, 2020 6:01:55 GMT
The mental health team arent being very helpful. My cbt programme which isna year long intensive group 2 days a week. Keeps getting delayed and moved back. I think i have been waitinf 2 yrs My lead practitioner i dont think gets me at all. He is a man. I find it hard talking to him. And i know he just finds me annouying.
I am calling them 2-10 times a day. Getting through only once maybe.
I have been calling the out of hours helpline.
Talking doesnt help.
They say they cant help. Its all up to me.
I cant stop the unstable emotions. So i guess i have to wait until i am numb.
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Post by monica on Sept 15, 2020 11:56:34 GMT
Good luck with the dental treatment! I understand what you're saying - you're grieving for somethng you wanted but sadly, it would never have been with C. I don't think he can have the type of relationship you want - you say he's a narcisst, horrible and cruel - those type of people never can have a stable, loving relationship. Maybe try to focus on you when you're up to it - what sort of things give you pleasure and satisfaction that aren't based around a relationship. I know it's always easy to give that kind of advice and so much harder to engage in interests and hobbies when allyou want is someone that will fulfil those needs, but you can find things to enjoy in life. I'm sorry the out of hours helpline isn't helping you much. If you're self harming, having flashbacks and struggling desperately, you need more support right now. Would it worth getting an appt with gp? Are you on meds? If so maybe tweaking them would help? If the emotional side of things probably triggered by all the stress, is too much to cope with then medical intervention might make a difference. Also if you need to talk, how about samaritans - they've very good - it'll be unbiased and helpful. You can email but often you'll have to wait a day in my experience for a reply. Samaritans - call 116123 Could you talk to the key worker about getting support? There's bit and pieces out there - it's a case of knowing where to look! Another organisation I got help from was home start. I don't know if this would help? www.home-start.org.uk/It's just support to get you through this difficult time. Sorry I was a bit confused - what is the meeting with the head for? Can you get someone to go with you? www.home-start.org.uk/Will keep an eye out for you - this is your safe space x
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Post by butterfly on Sept 16, 2020 6:39:23 GMT
Thanks monica x I am qllowed to take extra quitiapine if i need too. I have been and it certainly helps. Dentist was amazing, i remember nothing lol no pain or torture! I was as high as a kite yesterday. I did a bit of cbt work it was helpful. I certainly need to focus on things that make me happy. I may write a list. Writing hear helps, always has done. I shall continue. So the meeting is about my situation with the teaching assistant in a relationship with my ex. She works at the school. I need to compose a list of things i want the school to do. Like she shouldnt have access to my girls records etc
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Post by monica on Sept 16, 2020 9:48:52 GMT
Hi BF
You sound more positive today! That's great. Even if your tough feelings come in waves there will be good waves too when you get relief and these will get longer in time. You're absolutely right - it can feel like grief.
Good luck with the meeting with the head. Hope you get what you need from it. I'm pleased thedentist went well too.
This is your place to write whatever and whenever you to x
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 16, 2020 13:57:36 GMT
Thanks m.
I am just about to do the school run and anxious as shit. But i am telling myself, no. You got this. This is your life. Dont let people control you. And espically control you mind with holding onto hate.
G might not be allowed in my house. I cant really control that. But i can control my behaviour towards things.
Right now i am going to do the school run, head high, smile on my face, brave face. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
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Post by monica on Sept 16, 2020 14:46:12 GMT
Go girl! You can do this! Xxx
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Post by monica on Sept 17, 2020 14:08:45 GMT
How’s today been? Howxwas school pick up?
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 18, 2020 7:02:54 GMT
Hi m
Its been quite a stressful 24 hours i am still standing. Still fighting. Although after the school run i am going back to bed.
Yesterday i had the meeting at school with the deputy head in regards to the teaching assistant who is shagging my youngest dad.
Prior to the meeting in the morning i worked. It was a good distraction but i was shaky in my hands a little as the anxiety was there in thr background.
After finishing woth my client i saw i had several messages from g's mum. Saying he was having an episode and had lined up tablets and was going to kill himself.
I rushed off down to his. Rung the bell and he told me to go away so i told him i would phone an ambulance. In the end my presence outside his place was adgitating him even more so i desided to walk away and phone 999 calmly. Which i did. I then called him and he was saying he aas sorry and ashamed as he didnt want me to see him in such a state. He then let me in. The ambulance service called he cancelled the ambulance. I took all the medication out of his place and all the tablets he had lined up. I then had a quick call to his gp to make sure he had been referred to the mental health team for a psychiatric assessment. Which he has but will take a couple of weeks. He was absolutely pissed. And i am sure this was causing his anxiety and distress. But when he is like that you cant reason with him.
I left him at 2pm so i could go to the meeting. Head held high.
I got my points across but i am not entirely happy with the outcome.
1 they cannot guarantee she wont have responsibility for the girls. She may have to cover a lesson. She may have to do first aid.
2 they can say that there confidentuality policy means no information is shared outside the school and this would cover f. She cannot disclose any information to him. I dont think it is humanly possible for a woman not to disclose information to a parent about a child... something very small like oh she didnt have her pe kit today may lead to confrontation etc. Also i know he will be getting in her head and that will make her vunerable to make a mistake.
3 they didnt provide me on any policies that i asked. But i will wait to see if they appear.
- any policies relating to parent teacher reltionships -any policy relating to blended families. -any policy relating to staff using social media
4. I told them i want to feel able to take my kids to school without having qn anxiety attack frightened that i will see her and there will be some confrontation. She said it was "unlikely" i was going to see her.
5. I said i want to move on woth life and make peace with this woman as the tension and atmosphere will be pucked up on by the children. The school said they could not facilitate this.
6. I made it clear that i felt she should have informed her direct line manager at the time i axcused her of having a relationship with my partner. This meant i couldnt attend the leavers party with my son and had to sit in a church service in absolute devastation for fear of confrontation. She also was direcrly involved with my son. She didnt comment.
7. I made it clear the total devastation thid has had on my every day life. She got that, i could see. I could see as i opened up my heart tears come to her eyes. I think she understood but remained professional but didnt want to put her foot in it.
8.the head will be back next week to follow this up. He will for sure be having a meeting with her about the situation and going over confidentiality
I stayed with g last night. I forgot to take my tablets with me and had no sleep. I will go to bed after the school run. After he sobered up we ate chinese food and f**ked all night. (Sorry tmi) its an actual thingd that numbs my pain, releases endorphins and make me forget about all this shit. Its probably unhealthy to use sex in that way but its safer than using alcohol, drugs etx
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Post by monica on Sept 18, 2020 14:06:08 GMT
Hi
You’ve done great all round! Well done! It really sounds as if you got all your points across succinctly and the school are aware of your concerns. You were great with G too!
G does sound hes in a bad place- please look after yourself though. You’re struggling, have the kids to look after and your own stresses - though hard try not to take on his worries too - it could drag you down.,
I think I mentioned my ex (my kids’ dad) is an alcoholic. He was a great dad - his one redeeming feature - but since we split his boozing has escalated. He’s disowned two of our kids and only sees one and that’s been limited due to drinking whilst looking after our youngest. It drives me mad and does my head in - I’m not even with him! Look after yourself - maybe you can keep an emotional distance? Nothing wrong - with the bonking. I used to find it so relaxing - a bit like meditation I used to switch off and just enjoy. Sadly this has hugely dwindled as I’m perimenopausal! X
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