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Post by carolinezoe on Jan 3, 2013 21:34:30 GMT
Hi
I took Prozac and mitazapine before finally settling on venlafaxine as it is meant to help with anxiety and depression as once the deep depression lifted I became very anxious and the venlafaxine helped with this. As everyone has mentioned there can be blips but they get further apart and through private counselling I have learnt how to manage this and realise that it is just that and they will pass.
When I was at my worst we decided that one child was enough however we are now trying for another and have coped through a miscarriage in the summer much better than I would ever thought I would. I plan to keep taking my medication for the foreseeable future as it keeps me on an even keel and allow me to enjoy life with my wonderful little boy.
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Post by jessibella on Jan 4, 2013 17:33:25 GMT
Today...
Well I woke up this morning with the usual sinking feeling. Came downstairs and was feeling pretty low. However I managed to look after Flower a bit and watched a bit of next top model that I had recorded which is a sure sign things aren't too dreadful.
I was dreading going to my CBT as I was thinking all the usual negative things like it can't help me and that I didn't want to go. However when I got there it was actually really good. We discussed my fears about the responsibility of being a mum and how I have unrealistic beliefs about what a good mum is. We discussed being a "good enough" mum. Which means I am allowed to not want to play with her, I'm allowed to want time to myself etc. It really helped as I don't think I had realised how much pressure and guilt I was feeling about being a mum. We also discussed using mindfulness to deal with my negative thoughts. I tend to carastrophise, always seeing the worst possible outcome I.e I won't recover. She said to try not to fight these thoughts too much, allow them to wash over me without placing any meaning to them. This helped too as I find I have long arguments with myself about how I'm feeling which is not helpful. Now I can just observe the negative thoughts and feelings and allow them to pass.
This afternoon was much better. I did feel bad at times but I tried not to place too much importance on the bad feelings and they passed. The thing about CBT is although I don't believe I caused my depression or that CBT alone can "cure" me, I can now see CBT can help deal with some of the symptoms and make them more bearable at times.
Think this has probably been the best day this week so far, far from good, but manageable. I'm going to commit to practising mindfulness and hope the antidepressants do their bit as well.
Now I am going to go back to being a "good enough" mother and watch some more trashy TV.
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Post by juppster on Jan 5, 2013 9:23:22 GMT
A good enough mummy is perfect. . .well done you x x
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Post by jessibella on Jan 5, 2013 22:11:14 GMT
Well today wasn't quite as good as yesterday but still not too dreadful. I seem to find that at least some point during the day my mood will lift a bit but that it doesn't last. It's a weird feeling, I feel myself feeling a bit better and then after a time I feel the better mood leave. I try to fight it and desperately hold on to the better mood but I can't seem to stop it. I also find that every morning I feel my worst but that it gets a bit easier after an hour or so of being awake and that every night before I go to sleep I don't feel as bad. It's horrid knowing that when morning comes round I'll be down again.
Anyway back to today. Woke up feeling rubbish didn't want to look after Flower and putting on my clothes seemed a big effort. Remembered that we were going to a party and I had to sort out outfit for Flower and nappy bag, bottles etc. I sometimes think I could recover better if someone else could just take over Flower till I felt up to it. It was a long drive to the party (Mr drove) and I practiced mindfulness on the way which seemed to help a bit. Party was OK but I seem to feel really empty and sad at times, probably remembering how much I would normally enjoy it. I sometimes wonder if perhaps something in me has changed and that I am just not going to cope like I used to. It scares me to think that. I'm desperate to find some sort of pattern to my illness. Looking back I have had 2 good weeks in the last 2 months. I keep worrying that this means that for me the anti depressants only work for a short time then stop. This last 2 weeks has been the worst dip I've had and make me wonder how I can still be feeling so bad. Is there anyway I cash bring the good weeks back agasin
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Post by Weeble on Jan 5, 2013 22:52:14 GMT
These tiny little shards become longer, first a few moments, then a few mins, then a few hours and then you will get like me I have days in a row know. The way you describe it with the worse bit in the morning is very normal for this illness. Well done for making it to the party.
Hope today goes well
Kat
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Post by juppster on Jan 6, 2013 10:15:19 GMT
I used to desperately search for a pattern in my moods too. Eventually though, as weeble says, the shards of happiness you are feeling will get longer and longer. . .its a good sign of things to come x
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Post by jessibella on Jan 6, 2013 11:19:59 GMT
Thanks guys. It's really reassuring hearing from you both that things will improve xx
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Post by monica on Jan 6, 2013 19:06:38 GMT
Really do agree with others. The good times will get longer. Itoo had te same doubts as you. Cudnt enjoy things I had done, felt like I wud be te exception who wud never recover. It will come even though it can take some timex
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Post by Weeble on Jan 6, 2013 20:03:28 GMT
How has today been
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Jan 6, 2013 20:31:54 GMT
Sick and tired of always feeling sick and tired...
Today was another wobbly day. Started low as per usual probably not helped by Flower holding a 3 hour screamathon in the middle of the night. We brought it on ourselves really by deciding we needed to ditch the dummy, unfortunately Flower had other ideas so I think we'll save that battle for when I feel stronger. It did highlight for me an odd phenomenon that I have mentioned before. I generally go to bed feeling OK but get up feeling low without fail. However I noticed I am usually still feeling alright mood wise at the 3am feed. So my mood obviously changes between that time and morning. I suppose it's probably having to start a new day that starts the low mood, though I have wondered before what would happen if I just stayed up all night, would my mood still drop in the morning. Just one of the weird things that go through my head whilst trying to figure my way out of this illness.
So I went through my usual daily mental checklist. "Oh I still feel low","I'm not getting better", "the drugs aren't working", "i'll never get better" etc and yet again I wondered how much longer I would have to suffer. I've really almost forgotten what the old Jess used to feel like, have I just forgotten how to be happy?
As usual things were a little more manageable by the afternoon. I even had a few laughs whilst we were at our friends house...why can't the good feelings last!!!!
Managed to do some chores this evening and even put some wall stickers up in Flower's nursery. I really look forward to the day I can truly enjoy Flower. I have odd moments of feeling all those "normal" mummy feelings but a lot of the time she seems like hard work and I hate the fake smiles I give her because she deserves real ones. Am I going to be completely robbed of enjoying these months that I know the old Jess would have loved. Sometimes I find myself praying so hard to get well, even though I don't really have any faith. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm being punished for being so vain and selfish before I had Flower.
Anyway another week has now passed and hopefully I will hear from my lovely mental health co-ordinater this coming week. I feel that having a regular meeting with her and perhaps my psychiatrist is so helpful. It gives me a routine back, that Xmas messed up. Routine has suddenly become much more important to me since being ill. I find it comforting to have regular things in my life. Although I've never been depressed like this before, when I have felt blue it has often been caused by big changes, I guess having a baby is one almighty change.
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Post by Weeble on Jan 6, 2013 21:00:55 GMT
Part of the reason we feel low in the morning is our hormone levels are dip very low about 5am.
On the dummy, my three year old still has his and my six year old gave up at four. My youngest had a point at six months when he just was happy not to use it. The times we have tried to stop the others and I don't really have the stamina for the crying.
Pni is not an illness of selfish or vain people, it's actually an ilness of strong, responsible caring women.
Well done for laughing, relish those moments and don't beat yourself up too much even normal mums find the first few months tough.
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Jan 7, 2013 22:18:27 GMT
Hmmm today...
Well today was not to bad. I'd call it an OK day. Still felt rubbish in the morning but things were overall pretty even. Didn't feel I had any massive mood swings and coped pretty well being by myself with Flower at home. Dare I say I even enjoyed it at times. I feel I can cope a bit better with my low moods when I have a plan. Today's plan was relax and read in between feeding, playing etc. I'm still a way off being able to get housework done whilst home alone but I figured I deserve to relax when I can as I have been going through a tough time. On the bad days I can't hardly bear to even watch TV!
Spent most of the evening putting together our new king size bed! Now Flower is in the other room we have a little more space so we decided to treat ourselves. Weirdly enough I'm pretty good at flat pack furniture and find it quite nice to occupy my mind.
The only bad thing about good days is worrying about the bad days and when they will return and how bad will they be. But it's nice to have a good day after two weeks of rubbish.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
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Post by monica on Jan 8, 2013 13:45:42 GMT
Hi
Come to my place and help me with furniture assembly anytime! Well done on getting it put together. A dumb question but what's it like?
Good for you for asking bit of time out for yourself. Relaxing will help u unwind.
Try not to worry about how u will feel! Concentrate on here and nw. Easier said than done I knwx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 8, 2013 14:37:04 GMT
Hi Monica,
It's a called an Ottoman bed as you can lift up the base for a large storage space. Really handy! It's brown leather effect, sounds odd but looks quite nice.
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Post by jessibella on Jan 8, 2013 20:34:43 GMT
Thanks Kat, gotta hate those hormones, they seem to be the bane of my life at the moment.
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