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Post by jessibella on Jan 8, 2013 20:42:18 GMT
Tuesday...
Well the mornings continue to be horrid! I am just so tired and lethargic. Think the Ad's are partly to blame I really struggle to pull myself out of bed and just feel so sedated.
Went to baby group and that seemed to distract me, but I did keep thinking that the other ladies there didn't like me as much etc. Silly really as they were all friendly. My brain is just so used to going down the negative route.
This afternoon was OK bit up and down, and the evening I almost feel me again. Wish wish wish it could last.
My mental health co-od called finally and we will catch up Friday. I have so many questions as usual. Mainly am I getting better, do I need to try a different AD. Will see what she says.
Night x
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Post by Weeble on Jan 8, 2013 21:34:43 GMT
well done, just remember what you describe is the illness not you
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Post by jessibella on Jan 9, 2013 18:58:54 GMT
Wednesday....
Today has been a but up and down. Felt OK at times but low at other. Keep thinking that if the AD's were working surely I should not have the horrible mornings but also scared about changing meds as what if nothing works. Really worried that I'm not getting better and torturing myself with the idea that this is my life from now on. I know I've got to keep on trying but life is hard at the moment, I just want the old me back now!
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Post by jessibella on Jan 9, 2013 19:02:40 GMT
Also really scared if starting weaning as it seems so much hard work. I know I can cope when I'm feeling OK but the mornings are hard enough without having to give her breakfast! Also the Mirtazapine makes me so tired and lethargic that it takes a good hour to feel remotely awake in the morning.
Lots of bad feelings today and finding it hard to fight them.
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Post by monica on Jan 10, 2013 21:52:18 GMT
How's today been? I struggled with the weaning too when ad pni. Anything different wud feel like an insurmountable task. Is someone about to give you a hand?
Crappy, low days are torturous andt an feel as if u r trapped forever. I too remember this but things will pick up.Good luck with mental health coord. Hopefully she can give u supportx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 11, 2013 22:40:18 GMT
Thursday and Friday
Well the last two mornings haven't been too awful. I seem to be feeling less tired and a bit less down. I've noticed things seem more even with my mood. So even though I feel less down in the morning it doesn't pick up much either during the day. Overall though it has been quite manageable.
Thursday evening I went out for dinner with my husband. Although this was a nice idea I have to say it wasn't that enjoyable as i found myself thinking about my mood at lot and feeling a bit low. I felt I had to "try" and enjoy myself which of course made it worse. In the end I just told my husband I wasn't feeling to great. We talked about it and it actually helped a lot, I'm glad I spoke up. One thing about this illness is keeping my feelings locked up in my head. It makes it very lonely. I guess I don't want to burden my husband, in reality though he'd much rather I tell him how I feel, especially if it helps me.
Today I had my CBT. It was quite a revealing session. We discussed how I spend so much time monitoring my mood, which might make it worse. We said it'd be helpful if I could stop focusing on how I feel so much. It's very hard to stop thinking about something. I realise I cannot control some of the thoughts and feelings that arise but I do have some control over how much attention I give them. I have decided that I will choose to think about my feeling once a day when I write my diary and log my mood. The rest of the time I will try to allow the thoughts and feelings to drift and out of my head without focusing and brooding on them. I also want to set aside time to do my mindfulness meditations twice a day if poss. We also touched on my relationship with my mum. Was scary to realise how much that has affected the way I feel about being a mum.
I went to the shops this afternoon and actually quite enjoyed it. Then saw the MH practitioner. She was lovely as usual and said she would refer me to the "day team" for additional support.
This evening me and Mr made some sweet potato puree to prepare for weaning. I have decided to make it more manageable by preparing the purée in the evening with Mr and getting some jars and pouches too. Going to try and be very relaxed about it and just give her some to try once a day as and when it fits in. Never know I might even enjoy it!
night x
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Post by jessibella on Jan 12, 2013 22:51:10 GMT
Saturday...
Today was OK. I seem to be finding the mornings a little easier lately, think the tiredness from the antidepressants is reducing which is great. I've also been practicing allowing the bad feelings and thoughts to come and go, trying not to pay too much attention to them. I was definitely aware of the black mood and negative thoughts in the background. I think of them as black clouds that sometimes drift across my conciousness. I try to not focus in on them and start brooding over them, which is harder than it sounds when I am so used to going over things again and again in my head. I think I've realised that I can't think myself out of this, so I am just trying not to think about it, as I know I can't solve it. I believe I will get better in time and that I have the best support and treatment to get me there. I'm also practicing telling Mr how I feel. I realise I keep so much of myself hidden in my head but that makes me feel lonely. So now I try and tell him if I feel grim, " a problem shared is a problem halved" as the saying goes.
So back to today. Morning was so-so, afternoon pretty OK. I even made some purees for weaning and found myself casually carrying Flower on my hip as I spooned them into freezer trays. At times like this I feel I have almost forgotten I am depressed for a few hours. Evening was also fine I enjoyed lazing in front of the t.v with Mr. So either this mindfulness stuff is actually helping or the Ad's are kicking in or perhaps both!
I also got a book in the post today. The mother to mother, post-partum depression support book. It is full of stories of women who have experienced PNI and recovered. It's just the kind of thing i usually search the web for as it gives me strength and hope during the tough times.
I hope that when the bad days come again I will be able to realise that they will pass and that they are part of the recovery journey.
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Post by monica on Jan 13, 2013 13:22:28 GMT
Your doing brilliantly! Having control over your thoughts or how much time u spent analyssing them is huge success. It takes time to practise doing this but the more u do it the easier it will get. But this iss a huge step forward in our recovery!
Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Try opening up to him more? He will be Abe to gauge Hw ur doing ad u won't feel sso alone in this illnessx
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Post by Weeble on Jan 13, 2013 21:09:18 GMT
Yahoo, you are doing great well done. Baby purée remember that mine now eat whatever is stuck in front of them
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Jan 13, 2013 23:09:31 GMT
Two steps forward one step back....
That seems to be the mantra with this illness. Today was not so good. Had lots of bad thoughts and feelings throughout the day and I was struggling to not pay attention to them. On days like this it seems a battle not to go into my head and ruminate on all those scary feelings. Same questions keep popping into my head, why aren't I feeling better yet, does this mean the meds aren't working, perhaps nothing will help me, perhaps I'll never lead a life free of depression etc etc.
I was at my parents house today and at times I didn't even feel I was in the same room as them all. Mr and my parents talked about various things and I felt stuck in my head obsessing over my feelings. it doesn't help that my mum is also going through a bout of depression at the moment. I can't help that be afraid that this will be me in the future. I'm so scared that I will have continuous bouts of depression after this. Especially as I feel that the meds I have tried haven't helped much. At least if they worked I would feel I had something to use if the depression did return. I know it's pointless thinking about this but that's the main symptom of PNI for me is low mood and constant scary thoughts and worries.
However on a positive note I managed well, I was able to enjoy parts of the day and the evening was fine. Also managed to give Flower a pot of puree and enjoyed some of my time with her too. I know I should try and keep in the here and now and stop worrying too far ahead but some days this is easier said then done.
Well I guess each day done is a day closer to recovery.
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Post by jessibella on Jan 13, 2013 23:11:25 GMT
P.s Thanks Kat and Monica for your supportive comments. They are really encouraging xxx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 14, 2013 22:31:51 GMT
Monday
Decided to keep a record here of how many days into my cycle I am as well as my antidepressant. Hopefully this will give me an idea of how my hormones etc effect my mood
C25 (cycle day 25) M13 ( mirtazapine 45mg day 13)
Well today was another up and down day. I definitely found it hard not to obsess about my thoughts and feelings today, particularly when driving. Driving alone seems to be a bad time for me as does walking alone. I find it almost impossible not to get caught up in negative thinking when I am by myself and not distracted.
Had a nice time with my friend and her baby. Was nice to just chat and it helped distract me. She asked about the PND and I tried to finbd the words to explain how I feel. Sometimes it's like a physical pain, I just have a feeling of sadness in my throat and chest. I try not to think about it but it's all I can think about. Life seems grey and dull and even the simplest task seems like a battle. I feel I will never be myself again as I will always be looking over my shoulder fearing another episode... Obviously I didn't say this to her, don't want to scare my friend s away.
This afternoon was OK. Felt like I didn't want to deal with looking after Flower as I felt so tired. My aunt came round to visit and that was another good distraction. We chgatted about motherhood and family stuff.
Evening was OK too. I enjoy my time after Flower goes to bed and I can just relax. Find that I am eating a bit too much lately. That is one side effect of the Mirtazapine that it gives me back my appetite and although I don't care too much what I look like at the moment I know that I won't be pleased if I pile on too many pounds.
Hoping I'll have a little more energy tomorrow.
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Post by monica on Jan 15, 2013 9:13:31 GMT
Hi
Just want to send some reassurance your way. Hang on in there. It's very early days yet. Usually with pni it's a slow journey with ups and dwns, which in themselves are very destabilizing . That s te nature of the illness. It's very cruel. But already youare making progress so have hopex
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Post by juppster on Jan 15, 2013 12:23:41 GMT
Me too, you're doing great. My pni was very much a physical feeling too but gradually that'll ease honey x
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Post by Weeble on Jan 15, 2013 20:50:31 GMT
So much of what you right is so true, walking and driving is when I obsess to. You will get better, don't beat yourself up if it takes a lot of time, you are having a horrible time and like a broken leg PNI takes time to heal.
I was thinking about you mum. My mum and I both suffered from depression after the birth of my second son. I wonder if one of your triggers is your mum, you want to be different or maybe you remember your mum being depressed and you want things different for your kids.
What have you been up to today, keep going and look out for the shards.
Kat
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