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Post by jessibella on Jan 15, 2013 23:30:20 GMT
C26 M14
Thanks for the support. Kat I think you are right about the link between my Mum and my depression. We are very close and she is incredibly supportive of me but as a child things were different. The thing is she was always told that you shouldn't praise children too much as it would make them arrogant. Unfortunately this meant she never told me she loved me or showed much physical affection to me. I always felt I was unable to meet her expectations of me and I was very insecure. I think I probably had an insecure attachment with her. I used to get very distressed if things changed and hated being away from home. I would cry a lot and even as an adult I found it very hard to leave home. I returned from university because I struggled with the change so much. I even got upset for a few days when I moved out of home with my now husband. Looking back I can see that I lacked security because of the lack of praise and affection. She was a wonderful mother in so many ways and now I can see she did love me but just didn't know how to show it. My CBT therapist helped me realise this in my last session when it all just came tumbling out. I'm not blaming my mum as I believe we all make mistakes as parents but I realise I was/am terrified of repeating the pattern. My CBT therapist helped me see I am already different to my mum as I constantly tell Flower I love her and give her lots of affection. I think this could be partly why I see motherhood as a huge burden as I feel I am entirely responsible for Flower's emotional wellbeing.
Today..
Was an OK day. Went to visit my friend who has been living abroad. We had a real heart to heart about motherhood and how hard it can be. Was so nice to see her after so long. Made me realise how much I miss her.
Today I decided to try some positive self talk. I allowed myself to think I might actually be an OK mum. Flower is a happy, chubby little girl so I must be doing something right. I noticed that I always take the time to interact with her even if I'm feel horrible inside and that I praise her a lot even though she's too young to understand. I think it helped a bit as I can be very harsh on myself.
Night all xx
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Post by Weeble on Jan 16, 2013 22:04:25 GMT
My mum suffered depression after the deaths of my sisters and my father did in my late forties. I have a similar problem trying to work in through in therapy at the moment too.
You will be a great mum, you will be different and put it right for flower. I am very jealous you have a little girl, I just have a house of boys.
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Jan 16, 2013 23:18:49 GMT
Wednesday. C27 M15
Today was an odd one. Got thrown in the deep end with Flower today as Mr took ill in the middle of the night. He had bad D and V followed by a high temperature today so he was understandably unable to help me out with Flower like he usually does. The good thing was I coped! Probably the first day I have looked after her by myself 100%. Actually it went ok.
I found myself having lots of guilty feelings about not giving Flower enough attention today, when I wanted to get on with some stuff and left her playing in her jumperoo. Luckily I saw my two close friends and they admitted that they also feel guilty frequently about not playing with their babies enough. So even mums without PND obviously worry about these things too. I really want to give Flower a secure base so she has good self esteem and confidence in her life. My friends also told me that they really couldn't tell I have PND from how they see me playing with Flower which was reassuring. I guess it goes to show that the way I think and feel inside doesn't show on the outside.
Mood wise things have been manageable. I find I can go a half an hour or so without thinking about being depressed which is great. Sometimes it sneaks up on me and I feel it is ever present lurking in the background. Perhaps I am learning to handle it a bit better or perhaps it is fading a little bit. I have to remind myself that there will be blips though but hopeful I will manage them as I know what to expect.
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Post by Weeble on Jan 17, 2013 21:50:13 GMT
Well done. All my boys loves the jumperoo. I totally understand the guilt, I get it. But remember that the mental health experts think benign neglect is best for kids!! It gives them skills to self entertain etc. so see leaving flower alone as part of being a good enough mum.
How was today?
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Post by jessibella on Jan 17, 2013 23:13:51 GMT
Ooh Benign neglect, I'll have to Google that one! Thanks x
C28 M16
Today...
Bit wobbly today. Got off to a bad start as had to rush out the house. Mr still unwell so I had to sort Flower out and didn't have time to give her puree for breakfast. Went to see in laws and found myself worrying about the PND most of the drive there. Was fine once there and they were lovely. Flower was a bit fractious, didn't take her milk properly and got cranky.
Saw mental health co-od who said she thought I seemed as little improved so she didn't want me to change meds or anything. we talked about my "mother issues" and it left me feeling quite tearful. She thinks I should have some counselling once I'm feeling a bit better to deal with that. She also talked about me attending a depression group. I have to say I really don't want to do that. I'd love to attend a PND group but I just don't feel I am in the same situation as people with other types of depression. I know they are linked but I just don't feel I'll get the right support. That probably sounds really ungrateful and I guess i'd be willing to try it. I have such a hard time saying "no" to things as I'm worried they'll think badly of me. Ugh we'll see what happens. Anyway I felt quite down after that appointment. I think I'm scared that she thinks I'm getting better when I still feel a long way from well. I'm also worried that they are not looking at other meds that might help me more, even though I don't really want to have to change meds. Oh what a pickle!
Luckily Mr seems a bit better this evening so I should get a little lie in tomorrow. I'm thinking the snow heading our way might be a good thing. It'll force me to stay in a bit more and perhaps relax a bit.
Let's see if I'm snowed in!
X
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Post by stevensmummy on Jan 18, 2013 20:06:52 GMT
Hi jess
I hope you don't mind me looking in your diary.
I'm sure you probably don't think so but you really are doing very well. Weaning is tough even without pni. But I did find with my 4th that I totally let go on the spoon feeding and left him to it. As a result he is extremely self sufficient at mealtime. Its excellent lol
I'm jealous of your little girl too. I have 4 boys!
xx
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Post by Weeble on Jan 18, 2013 21:15:41 GMT
Yeah I did a mothers with young children and depression group, called it mad mums. I think the fact that we were all struggling with being I'll and young kids helped a lot. I agree I couldn't have done a general group.
Great you are feeling a little better.
How was today
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Jan 18, 2013 22:57:12 GMT
Thanks guys. I'm really glad people read my diary and I always look forward to reading the responses as I find it really supportive.
C29 M17
Friday.
Mr feeling better so I had a lie in this morning. Not sure if it helped or not as I always feel I could sleep more.
Snow snow snow today so it was a quiet one at home. Did my CBT appointment via phone because of the weather. Another good session I think, talked about my excessive worrying and negative predictions about the future as well as how mum's depression affects me. I think I've realised that mum was often down when I was a child and that I intepreted her distance as being my fault somehow. As an adult I can see she wasn't upset with me but was feeling low.
I was mostly OK today. Still aware of lots of negative thoughts and feelings but trying to let go of them and distract myself. Gave Flower some chicken in a puree today. Not sure it went down too well. Also been trying to give her water with food but she seems to hate it. The look of disgust on her face is pretty funny.
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Post by Weeble on Jan 19, 2013 18:49:40 GMT
That yuck face continues when they discover fanta and juice. Sounds like your cbt session was really helpful. Remember just because your mum was like that doesnt mean you will be. How do you manage your negative predictions and catastrophic thoughts.
Hope the snow cleared up a bit and you managed to get out
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Jan 19, 2013 23:32:07 GMT
C30 M18
Saturday
Today was up and down. Felt pretty yuck this afternoon. Found myself feeling low and thinking I wasn't getting better and worrying that I never will. Felt quite rubbish and didn't want to look after Flower, fearing I will never be a happy mummy and that the old me is lost forever.
Good thing was we had friends over for a takeaway this evening and I found I was enjoying myself.
I just want to go back to enjoying life again and I'm worried that I'm not on the right antidepressant to help me properly. It's like I only ever feel OK or bad but never truly good! I'm also afraid that i have just learnt to be depressed now and forgotten how to be happy. How will I ever get over this? Even when I recover I feel I'll be traumatised by the experience.
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Post by Weeble on Jan 20, 2013 19:58:47 GMT
The old you is not lost promise. Even mums with little ones and no pni feel like that so don't beat yourself up. You are getting better but it's not like taking antibiotics for an infections and you get back to normal quickly. It's more like a badly broken leg, it takes time and even once you get the plaster off it takes time for the body to learn to walk and rebuild the muscles.
Have you got loads of snow? Do you have to go back to work?
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Jan 20, 2013 23:11:32 GMT
C31 M19
Another rocky day today. Sometimes even all my mindfulness and CBT can't seem to help. Went for a walk in the snow as I was getting cabin fever from being stuck inside. In my gloomy moments I was seriously doubting I am getting any better!
Evening was better. I find it so odd that my mood can swing from OK to blue to OK again throughout the course of a day. I don't have good days and bad days I have good hours and bad hours! The way it swings makes me think there must be big hormonal factors! I've seriously considered spending the money to see a hormone specialist. I've been put off by stories on here though saying it's not that helpful. I just want the magic pills now please!
Managed to have some fun and play with Flower today when I wasn't feeling quite so awful.
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Post by stevensmummy on Jan 21, 2013 18:15:03 GMT
Theres no magic pill sweetie. I'm afraid its not that simple. In my case there were no pills at all. It didnt help me like that. I have no experience with them so its difficult for me to give you any advice there.
I too have bad periods in the day. Its what I can the mad times. Getting 4 kids out the door to not be late for school is always a bad time. Bedtime too. I cant cope with the confrontation.
It helps to identify the triggers. What triggers your bad times?
Re weaning, dont be afraid to try new things. I avoided 'meat' based until they were older. Veg and fruit puree. Add some pulses and beans to what she likes. You can add ground porridge to pretty much anything lol. Increases the calorie intake, but be cautious of adding too much at once, dont want to consipate her. How do you feel you are getting on with the weaning?
Sarah
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Post by jessibella on Jan 21, 2013 22:44:04 GMT
Hi Sarah.
Think the weaning is going OK. She has porridge and fruit for breakfast now and veg puree and sometimes some protein for dinner. Saving lunch for a bit later I think just till she gets used to some lumpier foods. She still has around 5 6oz bottles in 24 hours. She still wakes for one feed in the night.
I honestly don't know what triggers the bad times. I just get down and feel sad and tearful.
Thanks for your advice x
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Post by jessibella on Jan 21, 2013 22:54:48 GMT
C32 M20
Today was OK. Felt a bit down a few times during the day and not feeling great this evening but all manageable.
My health visitor called. She suggested that I might even find returning to work helpful. I'm not sure I could handle it though. It's quite an emotional kind of a job. Need to be feeling pretty strong to be able to do it I think.
Spent women time today thinking about the Ad's and whether they are helping. I'm really not sure whether they are doing much but also think I don't want to change them again. I wish someone could tell me when I'll be better. I know no one can but I feel I'd cope better if I knew it was going to end.
Good things today, managed to make myself lunch and give Flower a bath. Also stopped myself getting worked up over weaning. I tend to jump ahead too much and started thinking I'd not be able to make her healthy meals when she is older. Sometimes I forget that she'll not always be so dependant on me and that by the time I'm making her proper meals she'll probably be crawling and entertaining herself a little more.
I do sometimes think maybe I was stupid to think I'd be any good as a mum. Sometimes the responsibility seems so much and I feel I can't handle it. I can't turn back time but I do wish the old carefree me could come back.
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