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Post by jessibella on Jan 22, 2013 22:39:01 GMT
C33 M21
Today...
Another day housebound but all in all not too bad. I spoke to my manager about returning to work and we agreed to aim for June which gives me a bit longer. Also booked in to visit a nursery on Friday as Flower will go one day a week when I return to work.
Today I felt better able to fight off the sad thoughts. I suppose I have stopped fighting them really. I just accept they are there and try not to give them too much attention. Doing CBT has made me realise how my whole life I have got stuck in unhelpful habits of thinking and I really think it will be helpful to me even once I've recovered from this. I've realised I tend to make very negative predictions about the future and how I'll cope. The thoughts I have are almost always much worse than the reality. For example I thought I'd never get to grips with weaning yet I now give Flower two meals a day!
Night x
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Post by monica on Jan 23, 2013 9:02:02 GMT
Really positive day! Acceptance of something's is really half the battle. I think having pni, although in itself was the worst time of my life so far, also made me rethink quite a few things.
You really are doing brilliantlyx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 24, 2013 23:23:16 GMT
Thanks Monica x
C34/35 M21/22
Wed and Thu...
So two pretty OK days in a row. This morning was a little wobbly but picked up.
Met up with my friends on both days and even had a girls evening without Flower which was fun!
I have recently found out that a friend if mine has PND. We only met through baby classes so neither of us had felt able to mention it. I just blurted it out at our last catch up and she said "me too". It was such a relief and support to know that we were both going through the same thing. We both assumed that the other was doing fine as we appear to be coping on the outside. She has been a real support and often texts to see how I'm going and visa versa.
Going to visit a nursery tomorrow which makes going back to work seem real. Hoping I like it and that we can get a place for May.
Night x
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Post by monica on Jan 25, 2013 11:32:21 GMT
Pni is so much more common than u think. The mask of pni! Many women put on a brave front to give the illusion they r ok but in reality they fel awful. There is no shame in this illness. Well done for opening upx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 27, 2013 0:06:58 GMT
C36/37 M23/24
Friday and Saturday.
Well Friday was a bit of a wobbly one. Visited nursery for Flower and signed her up but to be honest I just wanted to get out of there. Perhaps it reminded me about returning to work which is a bit scary. CBT was good. She helped me see that i need to start accepting that i don't know what the future will hold and to try and become comfortable with that. I think i got my head round it. Initially i thought she was saying i need to accept the way i feel at the moment and not hope for improvement, which is a pretty bleak thought for me. She explained it wasn't about not expecting improvements but more about not predicting the future. She pointed out I didn't know the future before I got depressed anymore than I do now.
The evening was better. I made a delicious Annabel Karmel recipe puree for Flower. She eats better than we do!
Today was OK. Went to a friend's birthday party and quite enjoyed seeing everyone. I am incredibly lucky to have such wonderful friends.
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Post by stevensmummy on Jan 28, 2013 19:57:57 GMT
You really are doing very well. Excellent on opening up and finding someone you know who is suffering too. That really is a major break though. See what you said about you each thought the other was doing fine as they seemed fine. Thats where the key is. If you were to know just how many people with babies that you talk to who really feel the way you do. You would see how common it is. At the time I didnt realise either.
Great re weaning you are doing a brilliant job. You should be proud of yourself!
What do you feel about the new Nursery? What made you want to leave so quickly?
Sarah x
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Post by jessibella on Jan 28, 2013 22:58:21 GMT
Thanks Sarah.
Was feeling a bit low when we went to the nursery and found it all a bit too noisy and busy in my sensitive state. I do think it's a nice nursery.
C38/39 M25/26
Well clearly my period is late late late! Don't think those hormones are sorted out just yet. I do feel a bit PMT though so it'll be soon no doubt. It'll only be my second since having Flower when it finally arrives (and no chance of Me being PG I haven't let Mr anywhere near me since Flower)
Had a couple of slightly iffy days these last two day. Noticed I have felt a bit "off" in the evenings which is rare for me. Could be another sign that Aunt Flo is on the way.
Yesterday was very lazy. I slept in till 11!!!! Very lucky that Mr is such as hands on dad who loves his time with Flower. Though he did come and wake me in the end. Did a few household jobs anbd got out Flowers 6-9 months clothes (she is growing up!)
Today was quite this morning then saw my lovely friend and her cutiepie daughter in the afternoon. We had a giggle which was so nice. Had a bath in the early evening and that's when I really noticed I was a bit iffy. Just a general dark shadow over me which comes sand goes.
One good thing I thought today was at least when I feel bad I can know it will get better as it always does. Would just like some truly good days or better still weeks. I'll keep waiting though.
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Post by stevensmummy on Jan 29, 2013 17:14:18 GMT
Hi Jess,
At least you know it was a nice nursery and that you signed up for a nice place. Theres nothing to say you cant go back and visit again another day. Put your mind totally at ease that it is the right place for you all.
Periods are a big thing for me. I have what my other half calls mad moments. I just lose it. I have 4 kids all under 7. Yes its hard everyday but period week is really hard. My patience is very short. Its the hormones. They affect me massively.
Have you considered hormonal birth control? I know you will say why will I need it hes not getting any lol. But often the pill or the marina coil for example really stabilize the fluctuations. I had the coil and did notice a difference but I had other issues with it and had it taken out 6m later. My mum had it in for 7 years and hormonally she noticed a huge improvement. Its worth thinking about
Sarah x
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Post by jessibella on Jan 29, 2013 18:49:26 GMT
Thanks Sarah will ask my Dr!
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Post by jessibella on Jan 29, 2013 22:44:37 GMT
C40 M27
Tuesday
Today was very up and down. I felt a bit off in the morning but went out to see my friend. Was good to catch up with her and a nice distraction.
Afternoon started well but by the time Mr came home I just wanted to hand flower over and have a break. Then had a very odd thing happen. My vision went really shaky from side to aside. It lasted about 15 mins. Mr was about ready to call thee Dr when thankfully it stopped. I also felt dizzy and had a strange feeling of being outside of my body or like things weren't real or something. It's not the first time I've felt this way during this illness. Really feel like it's hormonal and won't be at all surprised if I get my period very soon.
I am a bit scared of getting my period as that was when I had my last big blip. Hoping it won't be as bad this time.
Good things from today include having fun with Flower as she tried to use a spoon (very messy) and finding a winter coat finally! Think I've missed winter though!
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Post by jessibella on Jan 30, 2013 22:51:40 GMT
C41 M28
Well today was another wobbly one. I felt very sad and tearful at points throughout the day and started feeling like I wasn't getting better again.
I'm just so fed up of this horrible illness.
Things that weren't good today was having to go to DR's surgery. I hate going there and started feeling tearful and bleak in the waiting room. Then in the afternoon I almost had a car accident and a horrible man started shouting and swearing at . Had to pull over as I was crying and shaking.
Good things today were managing to get my friend a baby shower gift despite feeling dreadful and putting together some flat pack furniture for Flower's room.
Hope tomorrow will be a better one xx
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rudy
Full member
Posts: 33
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Post by rudy on Jan 31, 2013 16:36:03 GMT
Hi Jess, I sent you a personal message. Hope you've had a better one today
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Post by Weeble on Jan 31, 2013 21:57:53 GMT
Hi Jess
Have just read your posts over the last week. You are doing so well, be really proud of yourself. You are really worried about work aren't you. Do you know why it's worrying you so much? I have made it back to work twice since I started on this journey.
Poor you dealing with the a***h***, those sorts of things stress me when I am well let alone ill.
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Jan 31, 2013 22:58:43 GMT
Hi Rudy, I've replied to you.
Hi Kat,
Think I'm worrying so much as it seems like the next big hurdle. I find that once I have got one thing sorted I.e weaning I then find something else to worry about. I guess I also feel that returning to work would require me to be continuously better. This illness is so up and down that I'm afraid of going back and then finding I can't handle it!
C42 M29
Wobbly day again. Tears this morning feeling hopeless and like I'm not recovering. It did pass though.
Spoke to new mental health prac as my old one is off sick :-( She booked me in to see the psychiatrist tomorrow to look at my meds. I'm also seeing an occupational health lady from the "day services team".
Aunt Flo is definitely on the way. Had tummy cramps this evening so at least that may partly explain the tears.
Good things today: Took Flower to weigh in (17lbs!) She is doing well and seems a happy healthy baby.
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Post by jessibella on Feb 1, 2013 20:28:09 GMT
C1 M30
Well my period arrived so perhaps it was a bit of pmt these last few days.
Had appointment with psychiatrist today. Discussed my progress and agreed that I wasn't doing quite as well as we'd like but that it could be down to hormones/pmt that I was having a dip. She gave me a prescription for Venlafaxine to add to the Mirtazapine. Going to see how things go for a few weeks before deciding if I'll take it. Hope I won't feel I need to but we'll see.
Had a good afternoon with my mum and Flower. Feeling OK this evening too.
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