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Post by monica on Jan 9, 2017 13:26:19 GMT
So good to hear your positive news. It's wonderful to feel this way and you so deserve it. It's a huge turnaround x
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Post by brach24 on Jan 10, 2017 0:23:40 GMT
So so pleased for you qr! You've worked hard at your recovery to get here So take some credit! I guess when you're well enough to think clearly (and not over think it!) you can work through the things your friend said and discard the things that are just plain rubbish... and if there are things she's hit on that are true you can make plans about what you can change or go about accepting your imperfections for the things you can't. In the meantime hold it lightly. Can you write the things down somewhere and challenge them one by one when you're able? Much love to you xx
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Post by quantumrose on Jan 10, 2017 14:58:00 GMT
Such a good idea Brach. I'm going to do that, thank you xxx
Sorry to post a downer after such lovely positive posts but I feel so out of it today. Tired, bit coldy, really negative and down on myself. Just feel sad and tired :-(
I suppose after feeling strong and confident (ish) it grates that I feel like I need to be held today. There is no option of this though, so carry on regardless. Two friends have needed support for things today and normally helping others really helps me see the positives in life but today I just feel flat with it. Bah. Tomorrow is another day x
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Post by monica on Jan 11, 2017 12:09:47 GMT
Hope today is better QR. I've just said to someone else that blips are tough after a good spell but hang onto the hope that there'll be more good time around the corner x
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Post by quantumrose on Jan 13, 2017 16:25:00 GMT
Positive news first- I feel like I'm getting better. Actually, properly better! I can be quite up and down in one day but the good times are pure good. Not "better than massively anxious or depressed" but good. My dreams are ok dreams, of normal stuff. Rather than "the world is burning and I HAVE TO SAVE EVERYONE" dreams.
Unfortunately this has come at a really turbulant time friendship wise. I wonder if they are connected....
I need to vent, in a way that is open and fearless of judgement and this is the only place I can do that. I hope you don't think less of me....
I am thoroughly fed up and pissed off with my two closest and oldest friends. They have created a situation where I feel responsible for putting in all the emotional work to heal a situation that was forced on me. I am livid and hurt and sad and angry all rolled up in one. I just can't stand this anymore and it feels like their interactions with me are dependent on me feeling bad, so they can say how worried they are and how its not right that I'm feeling this way. They are as bad as eachother and theyve been working eachother up about how awful my life is and how terrible things are for me to the point where I think they are just f**king bored. And it's something to talk about. There's no positivity and hopefulness in how they feel about me, its all doom and gloom and awfulness. And a large part of me feels responsible for it but I work so f**king hard to be positive and ok for myself and for others that this feels like a massive slap in the face-that they can't share that positivity with me. I'm done fitting into their twisted ideas of who I am. Im done being talked down to and sent nasty emails to and being spoken to rudely and disrespectfully. It's not my bloody responsibility to sort out this mess and I am the one who's had to contend with the personal and quite frankly mean things that have been said so they DO NOT get to act as though this is all just a massive inconvenience for them and that I should just roll over and take it. And the thing that makes me the most angry of all, is that I somehow feel like I deserve it, that I asked for this somehow, by my behaviour and because I've been suffering with this bloody illness for so long. I'm also hugely and somewhat selfishly angry that I am having to contend with this shit at a time when I'd rather be enjoying the fact that I am fundamentally feeling better in myself and utterly sad to the core that my two oldest friends are too embroiled in this picking apart of my life that they can't celebrate that with me. Just utterly torn apart and I don't know where to turn to. So sad that this is how my friendships with these two people have turned out. I guess there must be some PNI lurking deeply becasue a large part of me feels like this is whatr I deserve.
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Post by quantumrose on Jan 13, 2017 16:31:11 GMT
I'm so sorry to be writing all this when I want to be asking you how you all are and not spreading misery. I am starting to wonder whether who I think I am is not really who I am.
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Post by brach24 on Jan 14, 2017 0:05:05 GMT
Definitely don't think less of you!! This is your safe space and you don't need to apologise at all. Are your friends just enjoying having a drama to talk about / fill their lives with? Maybe your pnd is their drama of the moment? I can totally see how having them talk about how crap it all is and how you're not coping etc would drag you down further. We want our friends to remind us of who we really are and treat us like real-us. I guess the problem being that at times we need them to be sensitive and cut us slack because we can't meet the expectations of "normal" us. No wonder it's got you having an identity crisis. So much of our identity comes from the reflection others give us. We need to be really careful which reflections we trust. I suppose they're not meaning to be harmful or hateful... obv I don't know them or the whole situation... but maybe a chat/email along the lines of... "could we stop talking about my pnd now... it would be more helpful for me if we chatted about other things so I can work towards being back to myself" ... I dunno. Hope you get it sorted soon though as supportive friends are such an asset on this road. Glad you're feeling the Upward momentum in general. Love to you xx
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Post by monica on Jan 14, 2017 8:57:41 GMT
No one will judge you here! As Brach said this is your place to offload.
It's sad when old friends behave this way. Sadly some people live their lives through other people's problems. Actually from your perspective it's a good sign. You're recovering and getting back your confidence and positivity.
When you meet maybe steer the conversation to other things other than PNI. Maybe talk to them about it if they don't take the hint. Ultimately you may have outgrown them. It's sad when that happens but necessary.
Keep talking x
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Post by quantumrose on Jan 14, 2017 14:48:14 GMT
Thanks girls xxx
When I saw my friend yesterday she poked me so hard verbaly that I got quite cross! I often say "I'm fine" but this time I think she wanted me to talk about my other friend and how we'd fallen out, even though I clearly didn't want to. She was quite agressive when she finally brought it up, she kept talking about it in a really shouty and confrontational way until I cried. I was desperately trying not to and several times I thought of just walking off as I found it really hard to handle. I came away feeling attacked and bullied.
I think maybe I need to spend sometime away from them both. Were clearly not doing eachother any good and they need to find another focus for their lives before I can be a part of it. Sad but necessary for my sanity anyway!
The babe is teething badly and a bit sad. Although thankfully its not affecting her sleep!
I was called into the classroom to talk about my son on Friday, apparently he's been breaking toys on purpose. Not good. I spoke to him about it at home, he was really sorry and upset about it and said the teacher had told him she would get three of his toys and break them and put them in the bin! I hope she didn't say that, I think that really not ok of she did. I suspect she probably said "how would you feel if..." but I'll see if he mentions it again, othetwise ill leave it.
I've gotta meeting with work on wed to talk about going back. I'm really nervous and I've got to decide whether I am. I'm still in a fair bit if pain with spd and lifting is especially bad for it but my job involves lots of it. Also I'm breastfeeding lo a lot and she doesn't take a bottle so that's problematic! And there's a few politics between a couple of friends who work there that I don't want to get involved in. Not to mention the fact that luckily we are ok financially at the moment and don't need me to go back urgently. Hmmm.....seems like I don't want to go back. But part of me does because its something I mostly enjoy. More thinking to do on that front I guess!
Hope you're all having a good weekend, thank you for letting me off load, always such a relief and I never feel judged xxxxx
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Post by quantumrose on Jan 16, 2017 13:38:34 GMT
Phew.... Just been to a mothers group and I want to write some of this down before it gets lost.
I try too hard. I fight for things to be different and it's exhausting and scary. I need to accept this is where I am and that feels like a huge relief. I know I've been here before and you ladies on this site said that just letting things be can really help but somewhere along through line I forgot. I got so upset by my friends email because she was demanding more from me. She demanded that I be more available, to change so many things about my life(some of which I don't want to change!) that I just metaphorically ran out of the room screaming. I was and am overloaded with criticism and demands that I don't ever want to speak to her again that she couple be so unaware of what she was asking me to do. Not only that, she wrote 'we' throughout because she was talking as all my friends feel the same. She will take no responsibility the hurt she's caused and is standing by her words resolutely. So what can I do? To engage with her will inevitably lead to more upset.
A lady at the tropical suffers from ptsd after birth trauma. Hearing her story was uplifting and painful in equal measure. She got all the help she needed and felt very supported vying hcp. I on the other hand couldn't feel further from supported. I feel utterly let down and abandoned by professionals and the system and I am suffering the consequences. Saying this is painful. I have my friends words ringing on my ears that I am "bitter". But acknowledging the truth doesn't make me bitter, does it? I have been let down and I haven't received the help I've needed to get better. Even though I feel like I've explored every avenue and knocked on every door Abduls shouted from the roof tops "I need help!!" there was no help. So I learnt to force myself into a box with a label on the outside that says "I'm fine. And if I'm not it's my fault." because I didn't say the right words or do the right thing to make people understand how much I'm hurting so they would help me. So I help myself and sometimes I'm bad at it and sometimes I'm not so bad but I am learning a lot in the process.
I feel like B is really fed up with me. I've got zero sex drive, for many reasons, one of them NOT the fact I don't find him attractive. I do. But I feel like he doesn't believe me anymore. From my perspective I've got so many demands on my mind, body and time that I can't take anymore. And that's difficult and unfair to him. But in the spirit of acceptance, that's where I'm at right now. I just don't feel very attractive myself. After I've cleaned baby snot and sick off myself and tidied the house and breastfed the baby and fed the children and the rest.....I feel absolutely done. I don't feel sexy in the slightest I feel like a mess. Some flowers wouldn't go a miss. Or a gesture of some sort.
To be honest I give too much, or not enough, depending on who you talk to but what I've lost is the ability to tell for myself.
I'm just bloody tired. Of trying to be all things to all people including myself. I'm exhausted and demoralized and grateful and guilty and happy and sad. How can I be all these things at once?! The children make me happy and grateful. I exhaust myself. I'm feel guilty that my children are growing up with a mother with mental health problems. I feel demoralized because I feel I've failed at getting help for myself. And I feel sad because....just because and also for so many reasons.
Time to start a new chapter. To try and start to like myself And to be enough. To show myself the same compassion I feel for pretty much every other living being. To celebrate the good things and the fact that with this site, my husband and my own determination I've survived an illness which has very nearly killed me several times. I chose to stay here and I'm proud of that xxx
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Post by monica on Jan 16, 2017 19:11:14 GMT
Do you know what QR, I honestly think you are well on the road to recovery as you're challenging things that you don't like and whilst it hurts you to hear these things from your friends, you're not taking it lying down.
I've known you from here for some time and tyre not any of those things your friend says you are. You don't have to put up with someone thinking all those unkind things about you and ultimately you don't have to be friends with anyone who makes you feel shit. You have to do what's best for you.
Re listening to the lady with ptsd, I don't blame you for feeling resentful. You haven't failed in that that you haven't received the care you needed, you've simply fallen through the net. You're not ill enough to need hospitalisation, lots of intervention or whatever other support services out there. On the one hand it's positive you're not gravely ill but on the other not getting the right treatment and support when you need it hampers the recovery process. It's terrible . I was in a similar situation to you. When I was v ill there was a cpn who specialised in pnd. However I wasn't in her geographical area to qualify for one to one help. Fortunately I was able to attend her excellent pnd course. I got counselling after 2 years not when I really needed it and when it would've made a huge difference in how I felt.
I think the situation with your hubby is very common. I'm sure he's not fed up with you. On the sex front I'm not surprised you're not interested - how could you be if you're shattered, in pain, don't feel good about yourself in general. All these things will improve and I'm sure your libido will return. In the meantime talk to hubby and tell him you do find him attractive you're just too bloody knackered etc to want sex. I guess he needs reassurance too. Maybe agree a day when he can help you - there's no greater turn on than a man with a hoover! And then maybe you'll feel like it. Or one evening when kids are in bed suggest he gives you a massage and see if that helps you.
Anyhow, you're an amazing lady - try to remember that x
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Post by quantumrose on Jan 23, 2017 11:25:56 GMT
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply Monica x Always helps to read yours and Brach's kind words.
Things have been good! I am starting to dare to believe that I'm on that magical road of recovery, or at least further along than I have been since the birth if my son!
I'm posting today because I'm having a low day. I'm utterly exhausted to the point of tears. Baby has a cold and conjunctivitis and is barely sleeping at night. If she is sleeping it's with my nipple in her mouth- as soon as I move, she wakes up. I was literally sitting up in bed bawling my eyes out last night, it was like torture! It's been like this for over a week now.... I've also got a cold and cystitis :-( I don't drink enough water and I lay in bed desperate to go to the loo but terrified of waking the baby. I've got to stop doing it. I feel really laid low today, achy, in pain, tired and unable to function properly mentally. All really triggering and makes me feel like I've slipped back. Trying to stay positive. Much love xxx
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Post by quantumrose on Jan 23, 2017 11:29:25 GMT
Oooh, also, I enrolled on a free open university course! It's something that really interests me, for work and at home-how to calculate carbon footprint. Not just individual (heating, light etc) but also indirectly (food, services etc). I'm enjoying it!
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Post by brach24 on Jan 26, 2017 22:26:06 GMT
Oh Qr you're amazing! I love that you're fighting all this and meeting as many peoples needs and still make time to study and be interested in something you're finding fun. I think that's beautiful. Your cystitis/sleeping baby quandary sounds a nightmare. Hope it's got a bit better and the aches reduced. As for your friends - emails demanding things of you... asking you to change... calling you bitter... I'm not sure these are the actions of real friends to a friend in pnd. Do they not understand what's going on and how to offer support? We're these friendships where you did most of the giving before and now you can't they've become disfunctional? Obv don't know the whole picture but it doesn't sound like normal, supportive, patient, loving friendship. I also think it's ok to be sad, even angry that you've slipped through the net of resources. It is sad. I totally get how you're feeling every emotion too - hope the kids are being a good antidote to the heaviness of the rest of it xx
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Post by quantumrose on Jan 29, 2017 19:40:13 GMT
Brach, you are so good to me. Thank you, you really are truly wonderful yourself. I like to think that we give eachother strength, I know hearing your story helps me immensely xxx
I've had another big breakthrough. My trouble at the moment is having the time and energy to deal with it. I've had a really grim cold, it's made me feel really run down, achey and feverish. And my overwhelming feeling towards myself? Disgust. Frustration. Anger. That I could 'let' myself feel this way. When I realised I was feeling this way several pieces slotted together to form a whole picture. I think of my body as an enemy, out to get me. I have no love for it-not the way it looks but how it functions and carrys 'me'. I have internalised the trauma I experienced during birth and I blame myself for it. That people treated me so badly and hurtfully, that my body let me down. All this feeds into some truly cruel and horrific feeling health anxiety. But it's more a hatred of my body, a kind of 'waiting for my body to betray me'. I have very, very low self esteem. A part of me feels I deserve pain and discomfort and so I do things to myself to heighten those feelings. This is a form of self harm I think. I walk too far and cause pain in my hips and back. I keep going too long when I'm tired. I withhold pain relief from myself. I don't stop and acknowledge when I injure myself, if at all possible,.I'll just keep going. I believe that a woman I met who also suffered birth trauma doesn't want to get to know me because I'm toxic and still working through things that she's got over. This is probably not true, she's a perfectly nice woman. I'm scared. Pretty much most of the time. And the only reason I know that is because it's no longer a permanent thing, I have days where I feel safe. I hate myself when I'm in pain. It's a kind of self loathing that has to be reserved for your worst enemy. And again, it feels important to say, I blame myself. How can I learn to like, if not love my body? To not be afraid of it? So much to think about and do. I'm so tired, baby is just not a good sleeper and this cold (maybe flu? I can barely manage to have a shower I feel so rough) has flattened me. But...it has given me some amazing insight into my crazy brain :-) Xxx
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