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Post by quantumrose on Feb 14, 2017 19:29:45 GMT
You don't know how much that means to me Monica, I feel quite emotional after reading your post. I use to say to hubby that internet friends don't count, you and brach have proven that to be wrong. I value your opinion and support enormously and I feel it only right that you share things that are going on with you. I like to hear how you are and try to offer support too. I'm glad your priest is understanding and knows you well enough to correctly prescribe cake :-) Hubby is totally on board with stopping drinking, thank goodness. He's never got ratted in front of the children and alcohol isn't something they know much about. It all goes on after they're in bed. Mostly. He hasn't drunk for 3 days and interestingly I've noticed his mood has improved. But maybe that's because I spoke to him about how I understand if he's grumpy and I'll support him all the way. Nothing like a bit of pride to ignite determination :-) I'm off to make miso roast potatoes and green beans and pumpkin seeds for a Valentines feast x
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Post by quantumrose on Feb 15, 2017 18:48:58 GMT
Had a really nice day, went to yoga with all the kids. The lady who runs it really loves the littlies, I feel proud of how fab they are, helping all the smaller toddlers and getting the mats out for us all. Then we went to the park, treated the kids to a hot chocolate, it was lovely. This evening though Im catastrophising, feelings of impending doom, worried about my health, kids health....these are just descriptive words for utter hell, as everyone here knows. I'm able to rationalise it to a degree, this is the illness, not a sign that something awful will happen. Still feel very anxious though and low about it. Because we had such a nice day. Wouldn't it be amazing to end the day happy? Without massive anxieties? I am feeling ill still. But fingers crossed I'm on the mend x
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Post by quantumrose on Feb 16, 2017 8:47:24 GMT
I'm not feeling good today.
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frogface
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 938
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Post by frogface on Feb 16, 2017 9:21:08 GMT
What's up Jude, keep talking and breathing. Speak to yourself the way you'd speak to a friend. Be patient and kind. You will get through it.
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Post by brach24 on Feb 16, 2017 9:55:09 GMT
Hey qr, you're doing amazing at writing every day. The hormone shift of periods about to start is def a difficult one on mood. Even more so with your fears. I have to remind myself it's the lining of my womb and not blood from my circulating blood... and I don't have diagnosed health anxiety! I'm so impressed you were able to have an intervention with your hubby and how positively that has gone. Stop and celebrate the mini victories! Although I happen to think that's a pretty major one!! I hope today gets easier... a good day without massive anxieties at the end of it. Much love and hugs to you. I think you're amazing xx
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Post by monica on Feb 16, 2017 20:51:35 GMT
Sounds like you had a fantastic day bar the evening. How has today been. Don't beat yourself up if things change and a perfect day goes sour for no apparent reason. It's not your fault. It's the nature of this shitty illness but it will pass x
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Post by quantumrose on Feb 19, 2017 12:31:24 GMT
I seem to be having good days interspersed with bad. I don't quite know where to put myself today. I feel embarrassed and like a huge failure, saying that I still feel bad. But trays the truth of it. I'm working through a lot but it's really hard and tiring, noticing when I get triggered, why, how it feels. It will help in the long run but it doesn't help to understand it today. Everything I see and read is a sign that something bad id going to happen. I convinced I'm dying from an undetected disease, again....of course it hasn't actually happened the last million times I thought it would but maybe this is different? I'm finding it difficult to climb out of this blip and there's the ever present terror of regressing back to being really very ill with PNI. Will this ever end? I've got out of this before but will I this time or is this it for me? Argh. I'm annoyed with myself for feeling sorry for myself and not showing myself compassion and generally being a huge, rubbish failure. Don't be nice to me I don't deserve it.
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Post by brach24 on Feb 19, 2017 17:38:33 GMT
Hugest of hugs to you. You are worthy of hugs and love. You are accepted and cared about here no matter how low you feel or how awful you feel about yourself. I can hear you're tired... tired of watching out for triggers, tired or pulling your thoughts apart and analysing, tired of feeling like you're ill and of all the fears. You must be exhausted. I think in every blip you feel like you're going back to the start and that fear is awful. Hold on to the truth that pnd is recoverable - you will be over this one day... and that today, as awful as it is, has brought you one day closer to that recovery. I wish we could know how long it will take so you could hunker down and sit the worst out. But you are moving onwards and upwards even just with the momentum of time. Every little bit of energy you have to fight off negative thoughts or work out feelings ushers the day even closer. But when you don't have the energy hunker down and keep safe and know it will pass. I hope you have time and peace for some rest. Please know you are loved... just as you are, and you might disagree but I continue to believe you are very amazing xxx
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Post by quantumrose on Feb 20, 2017 16:28:56 GMT
Thank you Brach, I felt so much better after reading your message xxx
Unfortunately I'm back in hell today. It honestly is just like it was before when I was so ill with pni. Health anxiety is so awful. I just took my son to the drs with a sore tongue and asked her to look at mine. I'm so ashamed. She wasn't very happy about it. She said it looks sore and that were body run down. But I am obsessed with the idea that its mouth cancer. It's take over my life for the last week or so and I'm miserable with the anxiety of it. I am run down, I've got a cold sore too. But my mouth has been sore for over a week now and I can't help but catsstrophise. All my usual coping strategies aren't working.
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Post by monica on Feb 20, 2017 21:24:59 GMT
No way are you a failure!! Not in any shape or form! You're your own harshest critic and give yourself the hard time you'd never give anyone else. It's a horrible horrible blip. You sound so run down (oral thrush?/mouth ulcers?). If it were more serious your dr would have spotted it. Also if you and your son both have it there's no chance it's something sinister. It's that time of year when everyone is run down never more so than a lovely mummy who never stops. So be kind to yourself. You will come out of this x
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Post by quantumrose on Feb 21, 2017 16:14:34 GMT
You are so kind, I think I am very run down. Hard to get back on my feet really, a lie in once a week isn't really going to work at this point... I made an appointment with a dr I like. She was nice, poked about in my mouth, said it looked sore but not anything terrible. To just put bonjella on it. I really went about my mental health though. Which has been so up and down. She's given me some stuff to read about anti-ds. And also arranged for someone to come to the house to give Daisy her vaccinations, so I don't have to come into the surgery. She asked me how the birth was, I said great apart from having to go into hospital because of hemorrhage. I mentioned how painful the manual clot removal was and she was appalled that I wasn't given a spinal block for it and suggested I complained if I feel strong enough. It's thrown me into a spin because its occured to me many times that it probably wasn't right but I just didn't want that to be another thing to deal with. I will probably leave it. The baby is poorly with a sickness bug. It just feels never ending! Am I not caring for the children properly that they've got poorly so often this winter? They do eat well, lots of veg, lentils, dairy too...I'm just conscious of them not suffering because I'm not doing so well. Onwards and upwards xxx
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Post by monica on Feb 21, 2017 17:19:35 GMT
Well done on talking to your dr. If you're considering antids I can tell you my experience and for me it really was the turning point in my recovery.
You and kids falling ill really is nothing to do with how you care for them. It's that time of year when the domino effect kicks in and there are so many bugs about. I had a horrendous time with my 3 when the youngest was a baby. Norovirus, cold virus. It can't be avoided. Hopefully things will pick up soon and will give you a little respite! X
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Post by brach24 on Feb 21, 2017 20:31:38 GMT
Was feeling exactly the same this morning re my kids all having bugs. Went to a neighbours and she was the same - 3 sick kids and feeling bad! Like Monica said it's all to be expected. Just extra rubbish when you're feeling bad yourself. That's great you saw your gp and talked about mental health. I hope her acknowledgement of your trauma will be helpful in you being able to process it and also in being kind to yourself. Hope you find the decision on meds straight forward whichever way you go xxx
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Post by monica on Feb 22, 2017 9:20:03 GMT
How are you today? Sending you energy, healing and positivity - virtually! X
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Post by brach24 on Feb 23, 2017 22:14:32 GMT
Hope you're ok lovely xx
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