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Post by monica on Feb 26, 2017 18:03:15 GMT
How are you doing? X
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Post by quantumrose on Feb 27, 2017 21:44:18 GMT
Sorry I haven't been around, it's been so busy and I wanted to wait till this blip passed. I don't know why. I'm still not great but I think hopefully it is passing, I'm getting good days again in amongst the bad. So much has happened! My son and daughter are having such a bad time at school, my daughter especially. The school are being so supportive but again I secretly feel so responsible. I've got a meeting with the school on Thursday but I'm considering homeschooling. Its a scary prospect but dropping the children off and leaving them crying and physically having to pull them from me is breaking my heart. Baby is teething and really unsettled. Fingers crossed this cold is over though, I was ill for a month in the end with a throat infection and sinusitus. I think that's really affected my mood. A good thing that's happened is that I've been put forward by my health visitor for an NHS lactation consultant training course. I'm really excited about it and nervous too, my confidence is so low. But I think I can do this.
Many hugs xxx
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Post by brach24 on Mar 2, 2017 1:12:34 GMT
Sorry to hear the kids are struggling and hope the schools plan is helping. Homeschooling has always interested me. Must be an amazing experience. I don't think I could do it though. Hope the lactation consultant thing works out. I'd have loved you to come and help me!! You'd be great. The ill health and blip seem to have gone hand in hand - hope they both bog-off soon! Love to you xxx
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 2, 2017 20:01:09 GMT
Even though today has been really bad anxiety wise, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I had to rush out today and buy some new clothes, I realised all my clothes were either thread bare, had holes in or both. I hate clothes shopping and I felt really weird for most of it, panicky and overwhelmed. But it felt good to be doing something for myself and not feeling guilty for it. I had my interview for the lactation consultant training and I start tomorrow! I had a flashback in a cafe. It knocked me sideways and I still feel shaken by it. The till made the same beep as the machine in hospital which administered my drugs after babe was born. Pathetic I know :-( I've stopped telling hubby when these things happen now, he's fed up with me I think. It's a horrible feeling. I do feel like I'm not honest with anyone (apart from you all) about how I'm feeling and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. Np I'm not constantly 'firefighting' and in crisis, I can deal with the more nuanced aspects of this illness. Xxx
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 3, 2017 8:21:58 GMT
Just writing so I can get this off my chest and get on with the day. It's the first day if my course, this is a big deal for me as you know. I find utter hard to put myself out there and do things that don't directly benefit the rest if the family. Hubby left for work, no "good luck" no "I'm proud if you" no mention if it at all. Just like another day..... I feel crushed and pissed off all at once. I don't want to need his approval or reassurance but the truth is, those few words of encouragement would have meant the world to me. I should have said "oh, wish me luck for today" or something but I didn't. And I feel so sad. Right. Now on with my day. Forget that and get excited for my new venture xxx
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Post by monica on Mar 3, 2017 16:21:38 GMT
Good luck retrospectively ! I read your post yesterday but was so exhausted I just couldn't do anything! I was thinking ifvyou!
How did today go? I'm sure youl be brill at the role which will give you a huge boost. It's good to have something for yourself that means you can be simply you - not mum wife etc .
I'm sorry your oh didn't wish you luck . Try not to read too much into it / he's a man after all. They really do think differently and it doesn't mean he doesn't care - more he didn't think . I know though a simple gesture or a few kind words can go a long way .
Can't wait to hear how you got onx
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Post by monica on Mar 3, 2017 16:24:03 GMT
What's been happening at school with the older two children. Glad the school are being supportive. It's always stressful to see your los upset X
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 3, 2017 16:59:41 GMT
The course was amazing! Can't wait for next week :-) I sent a text to oh that I sort of regret but it's been a long time coming. He just doesn't connect with me anymore. He has lost his respect for me I think and maybe it's in response to how low my confidence has been? It makes me so sad, I just don't know what's going on with us, we use to be such a team. Now I just feel like were going through our lives separately, never really connecting even when we are physically together. All the warmth has gone and I feel like he resents me. I can't talk to him anymore because he doesn't listen or he just responds in an unthinking or uncaring way- like he's bored. He probably is! I honestly can't blame him for being bored of my shit, I know I am.
Anyway, as for sprogs and school. They were really not wanting to go in and getting so sad about it. Poor munchkins. Things seemed to have eased off a bit, play therapist is involved now, so hopeful that'll help xxx hope you have a restful weekend Monica, hugs xxx
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Post by monica on Mar 3, 2017 18:42:33 GMT
Fantastic news QR! This will really boost you!
I'm sorry things not so good with your hubby . You know millions of couples around you will also disconnect when kids come along . It's hard to find time to nurture your relationship when kids' needs come first, you're knavkered and its relentless. It's not your fault QR. Yes PNI is hard...for everyone but you're a couple and he has some responsibility towards you too. Maybe try and talk? Maybe agree to have a date night once a month? Even if you can't go out get the kids to bed, get a takeaway , plonk and no tv no phones ...and just talk , play games (nudge nudge wink wink...if you feel like it).
Glad kids' needs are being looked after. I'm sure things will improve x
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 5, 2017 15:31:23 GMT
Thanks Monica, made me chuckle :-) I did talk to hubby, he was really sorry. And said lots of lovely things that meant a lot. I realised why his being proud of me means so much, nobody has been proud of me, not since I was around 10. And for years I was ok being proud of myself for the things I did. But since having PNI I haven't been able to do that and as I go along this journey of recovery I realise that so much of the bad stuff I feel IS this illness talking! Like seeing the light I guess, for want of a better phrase. So, it's been a very good day so far. Just relaxed, happy and insightful. The first of many, I very much hope x
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 7, 2017 20:18:52 GMT
How do people do it? I'm absolutely run ragged, exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed. I have somehow managed to throw myself into 'normal' life without realising and I am finding it really hard to cope. Too much going on. Too much to juggle, too much in the diary, can't switch off. Completely over loaded and I feel intensely uncomfortable about it. And I've got ANOTHER cold. I just want a duvet day, to have some gentle time with my baby. It's all going too fast :-(
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 8, 2017 11:30:50 GMT
My oldest is home today, was so upset about going to school I couldn't bear to leave her. Although I've got to pick my son up later. The babe won't be put down and is crying alot. And I just feel so exhausted, there really is too much going on, I honestly feel quite beside myself.
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Post by monica on Mar 8, 2017 13:46:35 GMT
Big big hugs QR! I wish a could provide you with a servant just so you can relax. Deal just with the essentials and forget everything else. I'm same as you - if I've got a lot in I can't switch off. With out R&R I get run down.
Your poor little man - what do the school say? What's causing this? X
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Post by brach24 on Mar 8, 2017 22:47:13 GMT
Hey lovely, Sounds like a really heavy time for you. Hope you're ok. Is there any way you could cancel/ call in sick for some of your commitments? Sounds like you need a break. Sorry the eldest is struggling so much with school. Good on you for keeping her home and just doing what she needs for the day. I think you're an amazing mum! So pleased the training went well - will you have another class again this week? Much love xx
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 9, 2017 19:49:31 GMT
I'm falling apart tonight. I'm just painfully overwhelmed with whats going on in my life at the moment, the quantity of my responsibilities feels unsustainable. I have gone and bloody done it again. I've got considerably better PNI wise and then I've over committed myself... I don't think it helps that I've had a cold and felt like crap on and off for nearly two months. My daughters worries about school are nothing short of epic and I am now finding the process of getting her to school utterly distressing. I've started a gardening club at the school with another mum which seemed like a good idea but I'm finding all the organising and meetings and paperwork really hard work along side everything else. The baby is so clingy at the moment, she literally cries everytime I put her down and it means I carry her everywhere and it's doing my back in. not to mention my sense of my own body being my own. My breastfeeding peer support course is wonderful and I am looking forward to it. But it's still difficult to get the kids to school, the baby to childcare and then myself to the course and back again. It's what millions of mothers do everyday so I feel pathetic for finding it hard. Also we are moving. So I'm in the throes of everything that entails. And my best friend, my only source of true and deep friendship and support with the kids, is moving away. Coupled with a visit from the inlaws and hubbys birthday this weekend I'm breaking into a million pieces. In amoungst it all I thought it would be a good idea to bake a bloody cheesecake today for his birthday because I love hime and I wanted to do something nice but it just ended up being a stress fest. I told hubby that I could feel this coming and he didnt take time off work like I begged him to so I guess here we are. And the shitty part of it all is that the only person who it impacts fully is me. And the only person there is to do all these things is me also, so I have to carry on even though I'm desperate to stop.
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