|
Post by rocker on Aug 4, 2008 11:04:06 GMT
Hi
Haven't posted on here for a long time, but in reality nothing has changed in that time, if anything things are worse. To cut a long story short my wife has had post natal depression for the best part of 3 years after the birth of our only child.
Everything that I posted before has got worse, she is paranoid, she has cut off all her friends won't respond to texts, won't speak to them unless they ring her, won't go out with them, is so stressed all the time that even her parents can't cope with going out for the day with her because of how she is. I've been to the doctors, her mother went with me on one occassion, but they can't do anything unless she goes herself. She did do at the start of the year, he gave her another prescription for the anti depressant she'd been lying about taking - when she took it she felt good so stopped taking it - she promised him she would see out the course and come off gradually, a week in she gave up wouldn't take them. It almost cost me my job last year because I was working full time coming home spending all night looking after our son then trying to do stuff round the house (we'd only moved in at the start of the year) which meant I was shattered when I got to work and that took its toll. Because of that I've forced her to do more stuff to take pressure off me, or in some cases I've let things go and not done stuff just so she can see how bad things are because no matter who talks to her she can't see the reality. She sometimes lives in this bubble with her and our son in it and the rest of us outside it, and a few people have told me that, its not just my opinion. Her view of things just seems to be completely different to everyone elses and at times almost nasty/poisonous which is not hwo she was before our son was born. We're now at the stage where she'd like a 2nd child but then talks about leaving me because I won't help her and I'm nasty to her all the time - its got to the stage where I have to respnd to her nastiness, yes its tit for tat but theres only so long you can go on trying to ride it out and say nothing.
Anything I try and do or arrange she is completely negative and uninterested in - earlier this year I thought I'd give her a "project" to raise her interest, told her to find a good holiday for the 3 of us, do some research, sort it out and we'd all go. Not a thing in the end I sorted it out and she loved it but she didn't do one thing over 3 months to find a holiday for us. I've booked us a trip to Legoland next week, our son is 3 the week after and I thought it'd be a nice couple of days since we'd have to fly etc (we live in Northern Ireland) get a hotel - she has shown no interest whatsoever, won't even look at the legoland website to see all the cool stuff our son could be doing etc, as far as shes concerned shes to get up and go to the airport doesn't care how we get there, how we get to Legoland, nothing..........................I really wonder why I bother..............
the biggest annoyance for me is the poisonous things she says, she is still bringing up things that happened maybe 2 or 3 years ago with friends etc, I mean lives have moved on, but shes still casting them up and using them to cause hassle - even with my family, my mother had a stroke 3 years ago and is completely disabled and can't speak but the fact that 2 nights a week I go round and make her dinner etc causes untold hassle and aggravation, she even told me on saturday she's sick of my family and that the 3 of us are the only family I should be thinking about - my mother as I say sits in a chair all day and has 9 care visits for toilet etc - what should I do? abandon her?
I understand the issues of anti depressants etc, I've never tried to force her on to them she went and got them of her own accord and they worked but then she stopped taking them, I could literally tell you which days she had and hadn't taken them by her mood but she needs some sort of help - she needs counselling or something
Add to this her periods never returning to normal after thebirth she can go 6 months without having one, so as well as pnd she can go weeks of having pms symptoms and I'm not exaggerating
In her bad days she keeps talking about leaving if she conquers the illness, she can't see that all I'm doing is trying to help her get better, by trying to get her help, take tablets, etc etc.............................
I guess thats it, rant over, thanks for reading, I know until she decides to help herself theres nothing else can be done....................
|
|
|
Post by rocker on Aug 4, 2008 13:15:39 GMT
suppose I'm getting it all out today,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,my wife said the people in work couldn't believe she had pnd because she was so chirpy etc, but its just a charade, her mum has said when she phones her at work its like talking to a different person and she ignores the havoc she is causing everywhere.
She says the state of the house is getting her down yet she will take a half day flexi off work go home and go to bed and read some magazines then ask me to make dinner when I come in. When she needs to make space on the dish rack for clean dishes she lifts the dry ones off and sets them on top of the cooker, even though they stay in the cupboard underneath, its as if thats as far as her thinking goes, move dishes to make space, put new dishes in rack job done so I'll come in to the kitchen and find plates stacked on top of one of the rings on the cooker - its also regular for her to leave loaves of bread on the hobs yet the bread bin is about a foot further across the kitchen, its like take bread out put in toaster move loaf out of way so I can butter it, so it gets left plastic wrapper and all on top of a ring.............I can't make her see its an accident waiting to happen.................she will repeatedly ask me the same thing I'd say 10 times a day, if theres a minor job needs doing like me hoovering, its, won't you hoover, don't forget to hoover, remember you've to hoover later, what time are you going to hoover at, sure you haven't forgotten to hoover tonight arrrrgghhhhh this is like in the space of an hour and usually when we're out in the car so its not like I can get up and do it there and then!!!!
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Aug 4, 2008 13:16:59 GMT
Hi Their Rocker,
Odd, I am going to legoland next week to and am well excited!!
I dontreally know what to suggest to you as it is really tough if your wife is in denial over this and doesnt want to help herself. I think you have tried really hard and had some good ideas as to how to help her out of this, but she firstly needs to admit that she is ill and go and get proper help for it.
If she is even lying about taking the drugs she clearly thinks she doesnt need them.
What happens if you try to sit down and talk to her about it? What about if other family members sit down and lay it out to her?
Keep talking here if it helps, we are listening x
WG xx
|
|
|
Post by rocker on Aug 4, 2008 13:47:33 GMT
thanks for the reply
She has absolutely no interest in the legoland trip at all which is worse than usual normally she'll be very kind of "we'll see, ask me tomorrow" and then get into it but nothing with this
when I try and talk to her it ends up as a "stop going on" conversation then she'll go and do something else, her parents have tried talking to her but she just changes the subject and just says we can't be happy all the time, I've tried explaining to her that shes destroying her relationships with her friends - her response is you don't stay with the same friends all your life
I'm very rarely out of the house without either her or our son maybe once a month, but when I do thats a shouting match and I usually end up having to get our son ready for bed before I go etc, and the weekends I feel like cover staff, most weekends feels like right you're here, get him up get him dressed, make his breakfast, take him to the toilet, can you make his lunch, can you make his dinner, I mean literally I get a rest at 9 or 10 at night when he's in bed or on the odd occassion if he sleeps during the day. If he sleeps during the day when shes not at work - usually 2 hours, she sleeps too, then when I come in she moans about the state of the house and how its getting her down............the house we moved into last year all her clothes are piled in a corner along with stuff she never uses/wears, half our bedroom is out of bounds because she won't put it in drawers or get rid of it its literally sprawled everywhere, I took a day off work last year and actually tidied it for her and when our son came home he started running and rolling round that area because he'd suddenly got new space to play in he was dancing and laughing all because there was extra floor space..........................now its back to the same.....
I've tried getting her on to sites like this, I've printed websites out, handbooks out, she just tossed them in the corner, she leaves her handbag in the car every night, I've asked her do we have to get burgled before she'll stop doing it, literally she'll pull up at the door get out and go in the house, any child belongings or shopping is left in the car for me to sort later. Money is shoved in a back pocket instead of a purse I don't know how many times I've found money lying on the floor of her bedroom or the car, and then she wonders why I get wound up at her
|
|
|
Post by rocker on Aug 4, 2008 13:50:19 GMT
one thing she did say about the tablets was when we were trying to conceive she remembered everyday to take folic acid, but she just can't with these...................
|
|
|
Post by rocker on Aug 4, 2008 14:01:13 GMT
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Aug 4, 2008 15:00:27 GMT
Hi Rocker
I dont know what to suggest. PNI is not forever, but can go on for a very long time if left untreated. I wish you could get her on here so we could talk to her. There are passworded areas here too is she felt she wanted to keep things private...
If there is anything we can do to help..
But you need to start thinking about you too. How much longer can you carry on like this?
WG x
|
|
|
Post by rocker on Aug 4, 2008 15:25:25 GMT
thanks again winegirl, I've tried explaining to her our son is now 3, we should be enjoying life, enjoying every day that he makes us laugh, or learns something new
as for me, I guess I've got used to it, the hassle, the celibacy, the hoping that maybe today will be the day she realises................
she won't come on here, she won't go for counselling, on her own or together she just doesn't want help............
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Aug 4, 2008 15:31:57 GMT
But this is no good for you. You shouldnt have to just get used to it...
What do her family think about it all??
WG x
|
|
|
Post by gizmoracer on Aug 4, 2008 15:47:22 GMT
Hi welcome back to the site, its good to know you feel you can get the support from us here but obviously not so good you have felt the need to come back. I have just read through the whole thread and could honestly say if my husbands name had been at the bottom and it was dated a year ago I wouldn't have questioned it at all. Really not sure what to suggest. It's very hard to expain why the simplest of things are so difficult but they are. I used to have a completly different train of thought (it still shows from time to time). - Why get dressed up in something nice and do my make up when I'm not going out, may as well wear my comfy slobs and not bother with make up.
- Why put the dishes away in the cupboard when they will be back out again in a few hours for dinner.
- If I leave my handbag in the car then I won't forget to take it out with me next time.
Everything was too much effort. Most of the time I felt I couldn't function until about 3pm then I would turn into a differnt person, go round trying to decide what to do with loads of ideas but never getting anything done other than perhaps 1 load of washing which would nine times out of ten then sit either wet in the machine or on the line for the next 4 days or so. I would forget how to do simple things then get all panicky when I had to do it. Absolutly hated talking on the phone or going out and would pick a fight with pritty much anyone I knew. I was the same with my tablets too. I would say to the doc 'if I'm feeling physically ill I remember to take them, if I don't feel ill I forget but then if I am feeling very low I wouldn't see the point convinced that it won't get better. I also felt totally numb, unable to feel joy or excitement and incapable of concentraiting altogether. I think you have identified the problems but like you say solving them is quite another thing. Ultimatly she needs to take her meds, you did say that these work well when she takes them? So assuming they are the right ones for her you need to find a way of getting them in her everyday Perhaps I shouldn't be saying this but have you thought of crushing them into her food like you would a child? Again counselling would do her a world of good so long as she can open up, but again you need to get her to the docs which you have already tried. You say she wants another child? I have suffered with PNI on top of PNI and its certainly not good. Maybe you can use this as a way to convince her to get help. I'm assuming you would also like another child. She knows she is ill and needs to admit she needs help. Perhaps you need to tell her thay you can't concider having another baby until she is well enough as you are worried it could make her worse and you may end up loosing her. Bit harsh and to the point but it shows you love and care for her. Us women are high maintanace I'm afraid and more so when ill. We need to feel loved like a helpless child does. It puts tremendous pressure on our partners and family which is why we are here for all of you too. Think I've waffled enough just hope something I have said here is useful to you.
|
|
|
Post by gizmoracer on Aug 4, 2008 15:49:48 GMT
Sorry I just missed the last 2 posts before mine. It does sound as though she is in denial and needs some sort of shock tactic to wake her up enough to seek help. Just not sure what.
|
|
|
Post by sianyc on Aug 5, 2008 7:47:21 GMT
Hi I saw that you'd replied to twindaddy on his thread so I've presumed you read that thread and therefore my reply to him. I won't type/copy it here as well but the same thing applies. The difference I suppose is that it hadn't become as deep rooted with me and I was able to respond to my family and husband when they pointed out my behaviour. Plus I was very pro meds and took them almost religiously! Reading your story makes me sad for both of you. I saw a freind of mine reach this point with her oh and had no idea what to do about it then. I wish now that I had told her I thought she was in the wrong. Luckily it worked out for them but I still sometimes feel like I could have interfered a bit and perhaps helped It sounds like serious shock tactics are needed. Ultimately it's your call, but I'd choose sitting her down and telling her what she's doing. Really spell it out, the moods, the way she speaks to you, everything you're doing in the house, how she's not helping herself by refusing any meds/counselling etc. Tell her you need her to get better and for that to happen she needs to see what she's like. explain that her family and friends agree with you. She will hate it and probably explode to start off with but I think she needs to hear it x
|
|
|
Post by rocker on Aug 5, 2008 8:21:59 GMT
thanks again for your replies
WG - the only other option is to leave and to me thats not an option, I'm not having my son remember that his daddy left, whether temporarily or not, and while a lot of days are nightmares my theory is that she isn't well and someday she will get better - on the other hand I realise at some point she may get better and decide this isn't what she wants anymore, until then.................her family have tried talking to her, she used to listen to her dad but now she just brushes them all off, she has admitted that she now "sticks up for herself and you all don't like it because I tell it like it is" unfortunately the way she sees it like it is, is completely different to how everyone else sees it. They've reached the point where they don't think they can do anything else either, her mum has tried talking to her but its all just water off a ducks back, doesn't sink in..............
gizmoracer - I recognise your train of thought lol!! the dishes being out don't bother me but rather than take dry ones off the rack and reuse, she'll take new ones out of the cupboard and if its her turn to do dishes, she'll lift the dry ones off set them on the cooker and put the wet ones in their place!
I recognise a lot of what you are saying she does seem to talk a lot about doing things but never actually physically does any of them (or orders me to do them!)
As for her meds, I went through a couple of periods of physically handing them to her every morning with a drink to make sure she'd take them but then after a while she'd get aggressive and tell me she's not a child and she'll take them when she decides...................
Both myself and her mother have told her under no circumstances should she consider a 2nd child until she is better, I would love another one, I know our son would love another child in the house, he's the sort of kid who when he sees other children out no matter what age, runs over and wants to join in, or will grab someones hand in the park and ask them to come and play with him (daddys not good enough I must be too old, I get told to go and sit down if he gets a friend lol!). The other problem I have with the 2nd child thing is that our sex life has been non existant for at least a year maybe more, and I've told her she can't just use me as a baby machine, have sex get pregnant then switch me off again. We're both mid-30s and I've tried stressing to her that time is marching on if thats what she wants and also that she should be enjoying life with our son not feeling down all the time and not to do it for me but to do it for herself and our son
>We need to feel loved like a helpless child does< this bit is becoming more and more apparent with her illness, unfortunately like a post by twindaddy in another section, the abuse I take makes this now very hard to do....................to be honest I've told her what I need to try and go back to that is I need to see her making an effort to help herself not just telling me to do everything, and like any bloke I need sex, its been pretty much nothing for a year, a little bit now and again goes a long way to energising me to help her more.................but then if shes feeling as bad as she does thats never going to happen...............and so it goes round in circles...................I just think its reached the point she is the only person who can help her now, if I saw her taking meds every day and feeling better it would be easier for me to put more in too...................
her mum has mentioned a shock tactic too, the only one I see is leaving, but she is so stubborn that I don't see that working, she would deliberately not admit that she needs me, and as I said earlier last thing I want is my son having any recollection that I left, and I dare say she would cast it up forever that I walked out....................she already claims I've given up on her but I've told her if I'd given up I'd have left ages ago....................
thanks both of you, I'm glad I'm not going mad and what you're telling me you felt like is exactly what I'm seeing in her............
|
|
|
Post by rocker on Aug 5, 2008 8:37:02 GMT
sianyc - I was writing at the same time as your post
I've sat her down on many occassions and told her exactly what you've suggested but apparently everyone is wrong. On Saturday we had a major bust up - she exploded over a simple little thing and it just rolled on from there, she told me that people in work can't believe she has PNI as she is so happy and giggly in there so maybe I'm wrong - my response was if I see how bad she is, her mum and dad see how bad she is and her friends outside work see how bad she is, is she saying we're all wrong and her work colleagues are right? its not just me she explodes with its her parents and sister too. During this bust up, I ended up telling her she was destroying our marriage, she was destroying her relationship with her friends, and her parents can't deal with spending a day out with her - is she so blind that she can't see what shes doing? her response was to suggest if she did get help she may get the strength to leave me - I told her if I was putting myself first and worried about that I wouldn't try and help her I'd try and keep her like that but can she not see that me going to the doctor etc trying to get help because I care about her and want her better for her not just for me and our son, I want the girl I married back!................She sees me talking to the doctor or her parents as me slagging her off an running her down..........instead of the reality that I'm trying to tell people how serious its got so that maybe someone will help................
I just think its at the point where theres no more I can do short of crushing her tablets into her food, its now at the point where she needs to do something............
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Aug 5, 2008 8:41:33 GMT
I wish I had suggestions for you Rocker... I think it is very commendable of you to make the decision to stay for your relationship and your son...
All I guess we can do in the meantime is to be here as an ear and support you. xx
Take Care
WG x
|
|