dl
Full member
Posts: 44
|
Post by dl on Nov 13, 2006 18:17:41 GMT
Hi There to all who read this - I really appreciate it as it's a form of outlet.
Thanks also to KL for your recent post.
Today was exhausting for me - imagine how Lucy feels!!!!
I asked her if I could post about today, she said yes. She's in the bath at the moment, Emily's eating tea and Isla's in her chair........'normal life'!!!!
The more I go through this the more I understand and love Lucy and the more I'm aware of what may be happening behind closed doors all around the World!!
As I think I mentioned I've started taking Emily to nursery - last Friday one of her 'friends' said that she was 'worried about her' - I said yes "it's been crap" but we were putting coping strategies in place - like HomeStart...idiot!! I should've realised that Lucy wanted to keep it a secret....I told Lucy in conversation today that I'd let slip - the look on her face was one of sheer panic....I should've known and I felt crap that I'd let the side down - I'm only human - that's the hard thing about trying to keep ...and live.. somebody else's secret....I'll be more careful next time!!!!
The Homestart volunteer was not what I was expecting at all, she was not judgemental, wasn't pompous and seemed to genuinely care....I think she'll come round again on Friday for a proper chat with Lucy about how to take this forwad.
The Psychiatrist was everything you'd expect from NHS (we're in the UK) care...I know that's a gross generalisation and let me stress again that our GP and HV have been FANTASTIC but the woman we met this afternoon was all about form filling and asking the same question in about 6 different ways - Lucy came through it though and she was fantastic.
I saw Lucy at her lowest today - I won't go into details but as she copes by self harming I'm sure you can imagine!! The majority of her distress is due to unpleasant memories (and that's an understatement) from her childhood....how can childbirth do this? It's sort of like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder....but worse!!
Anyway, we did it.....and we have a number of things to think about....but first we have to cope with the inevitable anti-climax!!
As ever, apologies for my ramblings, many thanks for reading.
Matt
|
|
|
Post by Veritee on Nov 13, 2006 19:29:18 GMT
Hi DL
I am so glad you got through today - I know it would have been exhausting for you both..
I posted on Lucy's thread about what a Home start visitor does as I am trained as one but not visiting at the moment as I do enough with this forum but I may do it again in the future - and to be judgmental is against all the training you get with homes start .
Considering Home Start is a voluntary charity and I have had professional training before - i was VERY impressed with the Home Start training ' because of budget restraints it only lasts about 10 weeks but it is very comprehensive
However training is not everything , you can not teach a really entrenched judgmental person not to be - and as it is against the whole ethos of Home Start I guess someone like this would not get through the training....
Home start is about parents helping parents without any C*** about how you should be and how you should feel. The visitors take yo as you are , work with you to give you the support you actually need.
I am sorry that it felt like you had said the wrong thing when you mentioned Home Start to the women at nursery....... On one side I do understand not wanting to let anyone know - as newish parents can be the most judgmental of all if they do not have PNI ( it will be a different story for many in a few years as different parents find parenting difficult at different ages so it 'all comes out in the wash' as my Gran used to say)
but on the other hand not everyone you told will be judging you - 1 in 10 to 1 in 7 in fact have some degree of PNI so I would imagine there is a good chance that at least one or two understand exactly what you are going through but they are not telling either.......
I feel that it is only by ending this conspiracy of silence about PNI that things will change for women who suffer it................. but I understand how scary it feels to tell others who may not understand
for a while I put on the mask like most of us do and then I just give up and started telling everyone and it was amazing how so many understood and so many were not actually judging once they saw what I was going through and I explained a bit about it......
of course their were always a few who always used my pain to convince themselves how much better they were as a mother than me but in the end I decided that they were not worth worrying about and to do this meant that this had to be their insecurities But I do know how difficult it is to start admitting to others that you have PNI - so I guess this was too soon for Lucy. But I am sue she will understand as you do not feel like her about telling others and as you said you are only human and have your own needs and concerns.
Anyway
I am glad you both got through this day - be nice to each other and hopefully the only way now is up
VeriteeXX
|
|
kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
|
Post by kl77 on Nov 13, 2006 19:35:33 GMT
Hi Matt and Lucy
Well done for getting through an exhausting and no doubt enlightening day x
I've heard good reports about the home start service, the volunteers have a genuine interest in helping families and being part of a support network.
I can empathise re the NHS issue, I work with consultants etc and those working today seem to have lost the holistic and 'individual' approach. Are you due to go back and see them again?
I can see why Lucy was upset about you letting her 'secret' slip and can also see how easy it could be for you and how hard it can be to wear someone else's mask.
I'll post on Lucy's thread for Lucy to read whenever she's ready.
You'll probably already be doing it but she'll need a massive amount of support following today, her vulnerability will probably upmost in her mind x I always felt that the more I discussed it the more it became real and the more I left myself 'wide open'. I know we're not all the same but Lucy may too feel like this.
Keep your chin up and take care
KL XX
|
|
|
Post by rm24uk on Nov 20, 2006 20:52:17 GMT
Hello Mate
Is Nice to see i am not the only bloke who has joined this forum community....My Other half has had Pnd for the last 12 months and although i love her to bits i do know what you are going through
I do work full time which is having some impact on the relationship she has herself told me she resents the fact that i am able to go out to work, like i have some kinda holiday when i am there.This is Far from the truth believe me sometimes i dread coming home especially if she has had what i call a bad day
Glad im not alone
Keep ya chin up mate
Rob
|
|
dl
Full member
Posts: 44
|
Post by dl on Nov 25, 2006 7:11:46 GMT
Hi all - me again,
Normally Lucy/Lucie reads these before I post...but not this one...not for any other reason other than the fact it's early in the morning and she's in bed.
Thanks RM24UK (Rob) for your post - as you say, it's nice to know I'm not alone.
On the subject of work...where do I begin? I left a job last November (2005) to start working in a management position at a UK University....I am so fortunate and thankful as they have been fantastic...if I was in my previous job I'm sure I would be unemployed right now!!
As I've said in my posts PNI sucks (the understatement of the year) - but somehow "normal" lif has to go on - I don't know about anybody else but I do all our "money stuff" so bills still need paying, mortgages still need paying etc etc...the only reason I go to work is to earn the money to pay the stupid bills....I've started playing the lottery in the daft hope that somehow I'll win the big prize and thn I can give up work and stay at home and look after my Wife....2 things:
1) That's never going to happen 2) I recognize that to help Lucy recover from this I need to try and keep things "normal"
Trying to keep things normal is driving me mad....I realised in the week that I need help to...I've arranged to see a counsellor myself!!!
I'M A BLOKE!!! Why do I need a counsellor? - it was precisely this attitude that led me to deal with a situation this week in a very unsupporting and unhelpful way for Lucy and as a result we had a huge row and I realised...in floods of tears on the way to work...that I'm not coping with the whole thing as well as I thought....I mean, which normal person leaves a meeting, goes back into his office and sobs??
So - I need a head doc myself, to make sense of all that I've heard (read back through the thread and see Lucy/Lucie's posts in other areas) and to help me try and keep things "normal"
I came to this conclusion for 3 important reasons:
1) I love my Wife to bits - she didn't ask for any of this, it's not her fault and she can't stop it - I can support her through this but I need to be mentally strong myself - I pride myself on my stoic attitude to life and put up with an awful lot of s*** from all sorts of people-- I'm not superhuman though I and realise I've reached breaking point!!
2) I have two beatiful children who I love although I realise I've started getting very ratty and impatient and (at times) unloving to Emily (3 and a half...) and have started to blame Isla (8 months) for Lucy's PNI...I know it's not her fault....it's nobody's fault
3) FOR ME! I realise I'm havings thoughts/feelings and emotions that I can't properly process and I'd rather not have.....what's that I hear you cry......A BLOKE TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS?...yep, we have them too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I await an email....apparently there's a waiting list (it's a work counsellor).
As I've stted before, I love my Wife to bits and I really want to help her through this---but the PNI and everything that has surfaced as a result is bigger than me...it's not won...I just need back-up!!!
Many thanks for taking the time to read this,
Stay strong,
Matt (DL)
|
|
|
Post by Veritee on Nov 27, 2006 13:24:23 GMT
Dear DL
I am sorry i did not respond before - I was busy over the weekend and do not spend as much time on the forum W/Es as i do during the week.
But I wanted to say that i admire you very much for identifying what you need and going for counseling - you are totally right you need to look after yourself too if you are going to be strong for your family.
Well I and many women have as many of us were working professionally wen we had PNI - I do not know about men though , but i suspect this happens far more than anyone admits too
I can not generalize about men in general but I do agree that men in my opinion from my experience on here do tend to talk about their feelings re coping with PNI less than women. And men seem to talk even less to each other. For instance we have about three man that regularly login to the forum - I can tell as in my admin area I can see who logs in and when..
but they do not reply to each others threads or support each other - most of the replies men get are from women ..
so I thought it really great that RM24UK (Rob) has held out a hand to you . We had hoped to build up a support community for partners and relatives , especially partners and husbands who often get forgotten in terms of the support they need in all this -even the specialist perinatal units do not offer partners counseling and really they should as if a loved one is very ill i would have thought it would be necessary.
having said that I run this but I am married to a man who finds the thought of sharing his inner feelings with anyone other than immediate family - and then rarely - totally scary..
but for my husband this is not a bloke thing, he seems to have been built like this and my 17 year old daughter seems to have taken after him and not me ( so its not a bloke thing with her) She is very self contained emotionally as is my husband.
My daughter really shares her feelings even with us and when i had a major accident and was in a wheelchair for nearly a year, my daughter was offered counseling at school and to her the prospect of 'having' as she saw it - to go to counseling was far more emotionally and mentally stressful than anything else going on in her life like my accident - so I have to ring the school and insist that she was not asked to have counseling.
She does not take after me who uses counseling all the time - i often pay for it and attend out of choice as it is for me a great tool to manage my life and feelings.
And my husband is the same - which is why he supports me in ruining this forum in many ways i.e financially, time encouragement , but rarely posts on here.
But you are not the first man on here to have treatment and or counseling when his wife had PNI. William and Karl did - he is the male moderator for this section but rarely comes on now his wife is recovered ( if anyone is interested their is a vacancy for a male moderator here)
anyway I hope that your therapy/counseling goes well and I for one would be interested to see if it is helpful and if your counselor understands the strain you are going through wit a wife with PNI
Good Luck
Veritee
|
|
dl
Full member
Posts: 44
|
Post by dl on Nov 29, 2006 20:28:37 GMT
Hi Veritee,
If I/We get through this then I will happily put myself forward for the 'vacancy' to which you refer.
This brings me to an interesting point - when are you 'better' or at what stage do you know you are 'through it'.
We have had a really s*** few days - who knows what tomorrow holds??
As a guy I feel impotent; I'm 6ft4, 15stone, I have a skin head and I (literally) make people jump in the street. Read back through this thread - my emotions are such that I want to lash out first and ask questions later - I know that won't help!!
All I want to do is protect my Wife but I'm scared that I can't.
I still remain confident that we'll get through this but I'm daunted by the hurdles we'll meet along the way.
The power of this illness is terrifying at times; one minute suicidal thoughts, next minute, what's for tea!!??
So, I finish with my original question: "when do you know you are better??"
Thanks to all
DL
|
|
|
Post by chica on Nov 29, 2006 20:55:51 GMT
Hi DL I am so sorry I have not managed to speak with you before, my mother in law has being staying with me for some weeks now (somehow feels like years). I so want to welcome you and I so understand what you and your wife are going through, (obviously from the womans point of view). I have also I am ashamed to say that I must have put my husband through hell and back, we had shared a very close relationship for 17 years before the twins came along and what a shock that was, thankfully like you he was with me all of the way and still is. (Thank God) I have been suffering for 6 years with this illness, do not panic it was through my own neglect and stupidity that I let it go on for so long. But I can honestly say that I am beginning to feel like I have turned the corner. In answer to your question, when do you know when your better, I guess it will be a gradual thing, I realise now, that I have been a mess for 6 years, but if you were to ask my hubby, he will deny it. I so applaud you for supporting your wife whole heartedly, you really will come through this, but I will not lie it is a very bumpy path on which we travel. I have been on meds now since April this year and am now seeing an improvement. So hang on in there. It really does get easier. (I never used to believe that, but now I am the living proof). Sending you Love and Hugs Chica
|
|
|
Post by yoyo on Nov 29, 2006 22:11:20 GMT
hi DL
Just wanted to pick up on the 'when do you know you are better?' for me (I guess it may be different for everyone) I woke up one morning, not panicky, not stressed, not fatigued and knew I wasn't depressed. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life!! BUT I stupidly took self off meds and 3 months later crashed back down.
I knew I was getting there again when I ran up the stairs one afternoon - sounds such a simple thing but a huge milestone for me, just to have the inclination and energy, the 'spring in my step'. I continued to build on this very gradually with a trip to the supermarket without a paniack attack on my own. I then realised I'd started planning my life again - organising nights out, friends to stay etc etc and knew I was finally on the road to recovery. I still have to pace myself but I know now that if I am on a not so good day (can't call them bad days anymore) if I rest up and get plenty of sleep I will probably be ok.
For most people it is a very gradual thing that you look back on and realise how far you've actually come. For others it's a life changing moment.
I've had this for 2 yrs in Jan but was at my worst for 1o months x
|
|
dl
Full member
Posts: 44
|
Post by dl on Dec 1, 2006 1:44:26 GMT
Hi Chica and Yoyo, Many thanks for your posts, much appreciated. As I write this it's 1 am in the morning and baby Isla has decided to wake up (i can hear her in the monitor). Normally if Isla wakes up Lucy's (Lucie's) there - she's always 'on' and thinking of others and not herself. Not tonight - Lucy's in hospital!! Here's the story: I think you all know that she had a specific memory from childhood whilst in the initial throes of PNI - she statrted to scratch her arms to rid her brain of all the "I'm a s*** Mum/S*** Wife" thing PLUS the guilt from her past. There came a point that the scratching didn't help...so she found a small knife...that did the trick!! For a while!! So a bigger knife was needed....you get the idea!! So, fast forward to yesterday - you know from mine and lucie's posts that we have had a crap few days...the MASK....it all got too much. My boss at work is a nice guy, in his own way, but he is very unapproachable but I plucked up the courage to ask him if I could work at home for a couple of days between now and Christmas...we are supposed to be spending days with Lucy's parents over Christmas....that takes a hell of a lot of MASK wearing....especially when you feel that you have to protect (!!! ) your abuser (the memory..read the threads!!) So yesterday was my first working from home day - and to be helpful I left here at 9 to take Emily to nursery....Lucy/ie was fine!!! I took her car, I dropped Emily off and set off home, I saw her petrol gauge was low so I thought I would be helpful in getting fuel....I was, I had to queue!! I got home at 930...I KNEW WHAT I'D FIND. As I opened the door I heard Isla (8 months) crying. I came into the house and came face to face with my fear. I'm a practical person and I knew what I had to do and how to do it (used to be with St John...a volunteer first aid group in the UK if you didn't know)....it wasn't as bad as you may be thinking but it was bad enough!! So, I bandaged her up, told her I love her (I do), told her it will be OK (it will) and told her it's not her fault (it's not) and we cracked on with life..... ....till this morning - I changed the dressing. Lucy's reaction was a full blown panic attack. Last year I was almost killed in a car crash - I escaped Post Traumatic Stress Disorder through the power of prayer (we're Christians but don't worry I won't use this forum to 'preach' but I want to explain) Whilst I believe the prayer did help I still suffered a panic attack...it was horrible and I really though I was going to die. I won't go into detail here but please post and I'll explain how it felt and what effect it had on me....it was ALL the symptoms of a full blown heart attack. Anyway, I digress - Lucy had a panic attack this morning. This prompted her to contact the GP, the GP (rightly in my opinion) said "what more can I do?" and suggested that she see the duty psychiatric team at A&E. So we put the girls to bed and did bedtime stories etc (a VERY surreal experience) and then our minister came to keep an eye on the girls and off we went. HARSH isn't the word and ROCK BOTTOM doesn't quite catch it all but I know if you're a PNI sufferer reading this you'll get with where Lucy was in her head...I say I can but I can't. The biggest thing Lucy did tonight was open up, she blew this bl**dy thing out of the water in spectacular style - and THEY did not take her kids away (a fear) THEY did not lock her up (a fear), THEY did not judge her or anything like that in fact CLAIRE - a person with real emotion and real compassion sat up and listened, she was fantastic. The point at which Claire suggested that Lucy should be admitted was the point that I cried - Lucy needs time out - to come to terms with being a PNI sufferer, the memories, her coping strategies, the future...etc etc I think we both realise she's in the best place at the mo - but NO MORE SECRETS - they only bring (in the long run) more heartache and more suffering!! One more thing - as we drove from A&E to the hospital where the ward was (YES, no hospital transport etc etc) I said to Lucy "surely you can see that this is the best way forward?" her response was "well it will give you something to post about" I said "I will" she said "I want you too" Be strong - the one I love in the whole damn world is in hospital - she is my everything. To all who read this, be strong...easier said than done I know. But I've seen stuff I don't want to see, and I've heard stuff I don't want to hear but I remain confident that this is an illness, my Wife is still the same person I married almost 10 yrs ago....she's just ill....but she's still my Wife, and I love her!!!! Try and stay strong - I'll keep you posted (hope you don't mind...it's a great outlet) Love to all Matt
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Dec 1, 2006 6:55:56 GMT
Hi Matt
You're more than welcome to post here and talk about how you feel.
Please let Lucy know we're thinking of herx
Hopefulx
|
|
kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
|
Post by kl77 on Dec 1, 2006 7:49:10 GMT
Hi Matt
I'm so sorry for how your last few days have been and the fact that Lucy is now in hospital. At least here, as you say, she will get some time for herself and hopefully the help and support she needs.
We're all here to support both of you and will in any way we can so keep posting x
Send my love to Lucy, hang in there and take good care
KL X
|
|
|
Post by newwie on Dec 1, 2006 11:50:20 GMT
Thankyou for sharing your experience with us. To be honest i am where your wife is at this min and to tell you the truth reading your posts here today has helped i am trying to fight with all sorts of demons and by what you have said i feel a little bit stronger for it. Infact i actually asked for a cuddle today of my h.v whne she called and i must say i have never asked for any effection before but i told her thins aswell and like you said she didnt take my child away from me thankyou for giving me the courage to speak up. Newwie Thankyou soooo much.
|
|
|
Post by yoyo on Dec 1, 2006 17:04:08 GMT
Thinking of you all at this time - well one for getting the help you both need x x You'll get through this together and be ready to conquor the world x x x
Your faith will get you through this and make you a stronger person/family x
Feel free to offload here as much as you need and please give Lucy our love x
|
|
dl
Full member
Posts: 44
|
Post by dl on Dec 1, 2006 20:33:46 GMT
Hi all,
Many thanks for your messages of support - and newwie, what you did was so brave - I know I/We am not alone and it really helps.
I had a glimpse of Lucy's world today - after last night I got to sleep about 4.15 and was awake at 7.30. I felt Spaced!!
In normal life Lucy would take Emily to nursey and come home to use the computer as she works part-time as a Church administrator. So, I dropped Emily off and came home with Isla, got her settled and turned the computer on........then it hit me....the loneliness, the thoughts, the emotion - no wonder she's where she is right now!!!!
As I write this I've just come off the phone Lucy's Mum - to tell her pretty much everything! - Lucy and I talked about this today and as she described she is in the bottom of a well, thrashing about in cold, wet water, shivering, seeing a glimer of light every now and again but any potential foothole is covered in slippery moss....no way out!!
Lucy admits that she will find a way to climb out - and realises that she needs to be properly broken in order to be rebuilt - I'm not posting here for her but this was what we talked about today - and I cannot begin to tell you how bl**dy proud of her I am. I mentioned before that I have a physical presence but Lucy is soooooooo much stronger than I
So how do I feel? I thought I'd feel relieved that it's out, but I don't, all that's happened is it's unlocked a new set of what-ifs?
Lucy's Mum and Dad are coming up tomorrow - I had hoped to tell them stuff (Lucy's wish) face-to-face and phoned them on Thursday PM to tell them this but then the situation took over and forced my hand!!
I know that it's the strength of my love for Lucy and her love for me that's kept her 'physical'....and that's scary!!
|
|