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Post by beverley on Dec 1, 2006 20:43:16 GMT
Hi Matt,
I've been reading your posts and they've made me feel incredibly sad for you all, but also given me something to feel glad about - the love you and your wife have for each other is a rare and wonderful thing and is the glimmering star throughout your traumatic tale.
I truly hope that this is a turning point for you all and am so glad Lucy has felt able to let her parents be told.
Love to you all xxx
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karen1977
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Mother to the smiliest baby in town, who helped me get through and see the light again!
Posts: 45
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Post by karen1977 on Dec 1, 2006 20:48:24 GMT
Hi Matt and Lucy,
Hope all goes well for you guys, my husband and I are just starting on the road to recovery, I am meeting with the head doctor next week, but am already feeling more like me (thanks to the drugs..never thought I'd say that!)and I know how horrible this is for the other halves, my poor man was shocked to hell when I finally came clean but he is doing his best (which is pretty damn good!) to support me even though he doesnt understand a lot of it, I suppose no one can, it is so different for every family, because it is not just the womans illness of course, it is the whole families...but we live in hope and I really want to get better, just like I am sure Lucy does. It is hard when the horrible thoughts are there, but I have tried repeating "its not me, its the illness" and it does calm me down a bit,and like all things...it will pass.
take care, keep talking x
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dl
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Post by dl on Dec 1, 2006 22:25:26 GMT
Hi La and Karen1977, You each make an important point; 1) Love is the "glimmering star throughout our traumatic tale" (I like that, Thanks) 2) It's not Lucy....It's the illness....this has become my mantra over the last few months. I've just spoken to Lucy one the phone and I've relayed your messages and she actually asked after you all - your messages really help and I/we appreciate you posting here. I look back to what I said to Lucy last year "if you ever had post natal depression I don't think I could cope"...BLIMEY!!! Like she had a choice!!!!!!!!! Stay strong and I'll keep you posted, Matt
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Post by newwie on Dec 2, 2006 8:15:30 GMT
HI Hope all of you are ok and keeping as well as can be expected. I have a verse that i would like to share with you for your wife,
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to him, ad the other to the lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at teh footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and sadiest times of his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the lord about it. "lord, you said that once i decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But i have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I dont understand why when i needed you the most you would leave me". The lord replied, "my precious, precious child. I love you and would not leave you. During your times of trials and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that i carried you".
Newwie
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dl
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Post by dl on Dec 2, 2006 22:40:16 GMT
Hey Newwie, thanks for that - the "Footprints" verse has carried Lucy and I through many difficult times in the past but I, in particular needed reminding about it now..thanks!
I would love to tell you all about today - the day when Lucy's parents found out but I can't, I'm too tired.
Also, I need to leave Lucy some stuff to write about when she gets out and if she wants to.
I heard a bizarre thing today - having glandular fever in the past (which Lucy did) predisposes you to having PNI......instinctively I feel this is tosh but does anybody else have a view?
I must confess I got hit today by own doubt and insecurity - I keep on saying "we'll get through it" and "it will all be OK" - but for about 5-10mins today I doubted and I felt really bad for doubting.
I DO KNOW that we will get through it....I just misjudged how bad IT can be!!
Keep on fighting the fight and try and stay strong (easier said than done)
Matt
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dl
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Post by dl on Dec 3, 2006 21:47:03 GMT
Hi all,
Any experience with switching meds?
What happens? How does it make you feel? Will you feel worse? Does it help?
Any views welcome and appreciated,
Thanks, Matt
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Post by newwie on Dec 4, 2006 10:13:40 GMT
HI I have had my medication changed about five times now and each time i had the same sysmptoms as starting them ie sickness disiness but i have never been free of medication since suffering pni, they have always switched straight away from one to the other.They do say they reccomend a break inbetween but not always managable, depending on state of mind etc. Also my mood did go down and made me slightly worse to tell you the truth, hence the fact that they will not change them anymore till i see a phychatrist as they can work with you and make sure they keep a close eye on you whilst changing medication. If you are talking about your wife's meds been changed she is in the best place to have it done and i wouldnt worry as she will be given support through this and also will have someone keeping a eye on her. Hope this helps
newwie
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dl
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Post by dl on Dec 4, 2006 10:59:00 GMT
Thanks Newwie,
I feel crap today - It's hit me hard. The whole thing is out now and it's been admitted.
I thought it would make Lucy feel better - but it hasn't. I thought it would make me feel better, but it hasn't.
I recognise that it needs to get worse before it can get better...but how much worse does it need to get??
Maybe there is something to be said for burying things - not letting them out. But I hope that this way the healing process is faster.
I feel as though I've had a bl**dy good kicking....as I keep on saying, imagine how Lucy feels......it's that that hurts the most!!!
Keep on fighting, Matt
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kl77
Senior Member
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Post by kl77 on Dec 4, 2006 13:04:28 GMT
Hi Matt Not sure what to say to make you feel better because it's all been said before but you will suvive and it will get better. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of the 4 of you Take Care, send Lucy my best wishes KL xxx
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Post by beverley on Dec 4, 2006 16:23:03 GMT
Hiya Matt,
Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and your family and sending lots of love and best wishes. I hope things start to take a turn for you all.
xxx
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dl
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Post by dl on Dec 4, 2006 23:50:40 GMT
Hi KL77 and La, thanks for your thoughts.
I had to check with Lucy today that it's still OK to come one here as things have taken an unexpectedly traumatic twist.
I won't go into detail here and now (I'm tired) but essentially her parents know and they confronted the brother....and he admitted it!!
Lucy thought she was "broken" last week - her dark place was pitch black today.
Tomorrow is the start of new meds and day one of the road to recovery (I hope) - as Lucy herself said to me today "I can't go much lower"
I love her so much and want her to get better...for her!!
Nite Nitex
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dl
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Post by dl on Dec 5, 2006 23:12:23 GMT
Hi Everybody,
Firstly apologies for effectively saying the same thing twice - I was so stunned yesterday.
I asked Lucy Yestrday if she was OK with me still posting and she said that she "looked forward" to coming back and posting here herself - when she is better.
I found out today that they are switching her from 40mg of Citalopram on to venoflaxine (I think that's right) - they are doing this by cutting her to 20 mg of Citalopram for 4-5 days and then starting her on a low dose of the other one.
She also, currently has the option of Diazepam - I think that's valium - she now has a "need only" prescription of this.
As I have metioned before I work in a UK university and have a doctorate...I have an analytical mind - I know it may appear to some of you that I write about Lucy's experiences as though I don't care. As the news spreads and it 'gets out' that Lucy is where she is poeple begin to question my ability to use the washing machine, feed the kids, get them dressed, sew (yes, I do sew) labels in angels outfits (for the nursey nativity) etc etc and it drives me bonkers.
As you know - I once said to Lucy " I don't know how I'd cope if you ever had PND (I didn't appreciate the 'I' back then)...and yet, I am!! Equally I've been thinking recently "I don't lnow how I'd cope if Lucy got admitted"...and yet, here I am (again) confronting fears.
On a practical note the HV - who knows 99% of the story - has been outstandingly fab in all of this. She advised me to take sick leave at the mo - I spoke with work today and they said "take as long as you need" - I didn't milk it but was really honest - their reaction was very supportive and just what I needed.
Clearly I need to do this right and I need to get the right forms signed etc etc - it MAY affect future career plans but right now I don't give a toss - I just want Lucy better.
She is my everything and I love her so much - I have been a selfish git in the past in that I've said "I want you to get better for ME, For the GIRLS etc etc)
The TRUTH now is that "I want Lucy to get better FOR HER....IF SHE WANTS TO" - this is her fight and these are her demons, I cannot really understand what maybe going on - what I can say is today, for the first time ever, she said she wanted 'clear arms'.........sweet music to my ears!!
Hope it's OK to post here and now - I got given a bible passage today, in the days of PC (although I understand I'm not really allowed to call PC, PC) can I, would anybody like me to, quote it here?
Thanks for all your support at the mo, Matt
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Post by newwie on Dec 6, 2006 10:39:47 GMT
HI I would love for you to post it on here. Glad lucy is feeling that she can fight and well done for her in excepting the treatment as its hard i kow to accept it is the first step. I hope the medication helps and hopefully she will be offered talking therapy aswell. Dont beat yourself up about saying that you wanted her to get better for you an kids allot of people say that my h.v always say it fight it for your daughter excuse me am i not here. But really its just a way people express there emotion in it all. You are doing fab and been very supportive to lucy and she will thank you n her own way im sure. The change over in meds was what they did with me she may have a few side effects like i mentioned but other than that she is in the best place and will get there im sure. You mentioned "Qoute" As I have metioned before I work in a UK university and have a doctorate Can i be really simple and ask what that means sorry....
Anyway got to go very tierd today been to councilling
newwie
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karen1977
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Mother to the smiliest baby in town, who helped me get through and see the light again!
Posts: 45
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Post by karen1977 on Dec 6, 2006 17:33:49 GMT
Hi Matt,
Your life certainly is hectic these days, heres hoping it calms down soon. I dont know if I missed something but I didnt understand the following :
I won't go into detail here and now (I'm tired) but essentially her parents know and they confronted the brother....and he admitted it!!
although I can hazard a guess that it is not something pleasant. Do you think that this is the root of Lucys illness? I am always trying to work out if something triggered mine (I think it was a combination of a less than perfect birth, wanting it so long, and a bit of a "the grass is always greener" syndrome...women, eh? never happy!)
hope stuff calms down for you soon, I am off to counselling tomorow (I think you are too?) so good luck to us both, eh?
take care
Karen x
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dl
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Post by dl on Dec 6, 2006 23:46:31 GMT
Hi,
Many thanks, as ever for taking the time to read this - especially to Newwie and Karen1977 for taking the time to reply - I just want to answer your questions before a more general post...if that 's ok?
Thanks Newwie for your support - the bible passage was Psalm 18 vs 16-19;
"He reached down from on high and took hold of me, he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me"
I read this to Lucy yesterday and she said it helped...a lot!!
Sorry - just to explain about the doctorate thing - I meant I have a PhD....I am Dr Matt Cross as opposed to Mr Matt Cross....it means I stayed at University longer than (perhaps) I should have and means I have an extra certificate - I only made reference to it because of my my over-analytical mind...I want to know "why" and "how" as opposed to just accepting.
I really and truly hope your counselling session helped today.
Thanks also to Karen 1977 for your support - Lucy had a memory unlocked in the late Summer that something unpleasant happened between her and her brother - this memory led her to her chosen coping strategy (please read back through this thread I feel a bit uncomfortable going back over it at this stage) - anyway, her parents know about the memories and they've confronted the brother and he's admitted that 'something happened' - Lucy and I discussed this today and came to the conclusion (for today) that it doesn't matter what happened in the past what matters is how it made Lucy feel (she's in hospital....that should give you some idea) and how Lucy feels moving forward.
Just read back through your post Karen1977 and come back in at this point - in my (very limited - one person) experience of PNI I personally don't think there is one specific trigger - I think there are a number of contributing factors, this maybe one of them - as far as I can tell from talking to other people and being on this forum PNI is a sepcific illness with generic symptoms. What I mean by that is that any PNI sufferer can fully empathise (over and above those without it) with another PNI sufferer in terms of the symptoms NOT in terms of the mental state at the blackest moments...that's what makes it so lonely and scary...and so REAL....I so wish there was a cure...all I know is that Lucy is the strongest person I have every met, I love her and am so proud of her!!
We fortunately have access to private CBT treatment which we'll begin in the New Year - as I keep on saying (and as I know through your experience) - it takes time to get through this.
Lucy, I and the girls left the ward for an hour today - we went to a park. The park has a hill. We all stood on the hill as the Winter sun started to go down and felt REAL for the first time in a very long time - it's just possible this is it - it's just possible this is the beginning of the end of her illness and our fallout...I put it like that because it can never be OUR, or MY illness - only LUCY is an expert in herself and her emotions.
Having said all of that, I feel slightly bad as I write this as I realise the undertones are slightly more positive....my current mindset is one where I am waiting, anticipating and expecting the next thing to go wrong - I literally hope and pray it doesn't.
Thanks and love to you all Matt
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