dl
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Posts: 44
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Post by dl on Nov 7, 2006 16:28:58 GMT
Hi There,
I see the button "post message" button and am not sure what really happens when I press it - I'm guessing this message goes out in to 'cyberspace'....I'm hoping it does....I'm working on the basis that there may be others like me!!
My Wife and I have been married for almost 10 years, we have 2 daughters - one who's 3 and a half, the other who's 8 months. After my first daughter was born there was breast feeding issues and eventually it emerged she had a tongue-tie, this was picked up at about 9 months after she was diagnosed with failure to thrive. My Wife and I rowed and, looking back I was an insensitive....well I understand you can't use offensive language in these things but you get the idea!
Now we have number 2 - and my Wife has been diagnosed with PND - although, I agree...... it's not 'D' it's 'I'....it takes over your life!!
Don't get me wrong, I love my Wife to bits and am determined to support her through this....it's tough though! I'm a born problem solver and I can't solve this - going to work kills me as she has discovered self-harm as a way of coping...I leave knowing what she might do to herself. She won't tell anyone, is she in denial? Part of the problem is that she has unlocked memories from childhood....VERY unpleasant ones at that - so, she blames herself for being a bad mother (she's not!), a bad Wife (she's not) and all the stuff that happened in the past is her fault (it's not!!)
We are slowly getting there - the Summer was the worst and at least now she phones me when she wants to hurt herself - I came home from early again today as she was on the phone sobbing her life and soul out!!
I know there'll come a point where we can look back and think "we got through this" but in the meantime I've got to focus on the getting through it....kind of making it up as we go along.
I remember a row last year in which I said the infamous line "I could cope with anything apart from post natal depression" - seems like I'm being tested - just the knowledge that I'm not alone would help - our Health Visitor has been very supportive and she encouraged me to "seek help" - but it's not me with the problem.....I realised recently that it's us - I need some support to keep me strong for my Wife.
Any replies to these ramblings would be really appreciated and valued - many thanks for your time in reading this, DL
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Post by cheshire on Nov 7, 2006 17:54:54 GMT
Hi DL
(apologies in advance that this reply is so short - only got 2 minutes now before bath time etc.!)
I have read your post and I am certain that if my husband were to read it & reply, then you would know that you are not alone with what you describe here & how you've been feeling.
It is an awful illness, but we are coming out the other side now - our marraige has been at crisis point a few times, but I think we are getting through it.
It's so gradual (although recovery time does vary from woman to woman) , that it often feels like there has been no improvement - but things will keep getting better - although recovery does seem to be a bit of wavey line - with ups and downs/ blips etc.
You're right - you do need to stay strong for your wife, as it is truly awful illness. I hope some of the replies here help you to feel supported. Keep in touch Hopeful
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 7, 2006 21:40:15 GMT
Hello and welcome
For the short time I have been here I have found such comfort in talkin with as I call them girls but there are too men like you. Firstly well done in talking here, it seems like a womans place and it must have taken some courage to post on here. I know I viewed this place for some time before joining!
As hopefull said about her husband, if my partner would talk to you I think you would find so many similarities. I admit I am almost certain I am getting better, the road to recovery is as again hopeful said very rocky, so dont dispair. In reverse of the old saying, what goes down - does come up, trust me. Every woman in this forum can sympathise with what your wife is going though, but not every woman is as lucky to have someone like you. My partner was very good in his own way but somtimes he did silly things and no matter what he did he was never right. I see that now.
Dont dispair if you cant 'fix' her. You sound like me, a lateral person who alwys fixed everything, and with PNI I met my match and I hate to say you have too. My father was ever worse in that respect he is a sucessfull business man and a position of authority where he always fixes everything, but this time round he couldn't fix his little girl and I could see the pain in his eyes when he looked at me.
Dont expect to fix your wife, only she can do that. What you do and are doing very well by the sounds of it, is to suport her. She will get better. Things will be hard and your marriage will be tested to breaking point but as I keep telling myself if Michael and I can come throught his we can do anything now. Stay with her and keep strong, she needs you. Your are doing a fantastic job, you're not superman remember! (Would be much easier I know) It will be hard but its will get better. We are here for you when you need us.
Good luck and best wishes to you both Sarah x
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Post by cheshire on Nov 7, 2006 21:58:10 GMT
Hi DL
I am Hopeful's husband.
She has alerted me to your post and asked me to reply.
Let me assure you, you're not alone..I understand how hard this is for you both.
Hopeful found this forum helpful, alongside GP advice, and she could see that she was not alone. It has helped her to tell her friends about it and that means they have been able to help.
If your wife can talk about it and be happy about you talking about it to some of your friends, then they can also help you.
M.
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dl
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Posts: 44
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Post by dl on Nov 8, 2006 6:46:31 GMT
Hi Hopeful, Hopeful's Husband and Stevensmummy, Many thanks for taking the time out to read my post - it means a lot....and it helped!! I bought a PNI wristband yesterday and will wear it with pride - to raise awareness - who knows what goes on behind closed doors!! My Wife can do the nursery run and hold lucid conversations with her 'friends' about 'normal stuff' then come home and harm herself because she is such an awful Mum....as I stated in my last post.....she's not!! It really screws her up - and I know I can't 'fix' her - I love to her to bits and have learnt to just shut up and listen at times...that's been hard!!! I try and remind her when she's at her lowest about the good moments - I don't need to tell you that at that moment that's the last thing she wants to hear. I know we'll get through this....my Wife jokes (in the better moments) that she'll be better by 'next week' but reading some of the posts here it can take years.......oh!!! Anyway, we are off to see the head Doctor next week and she is on medication which in some ways helps but in others ways....a side effect is listed as a tendancy to self harm....!!! Somehow writing this down does help - and the fact that there are people like you who take the time out to read and respond gives me strength. Let me reassure anyone who reads this; I love my Wife more each day and we are going to beat this thing together I'll keep you posted! Thanks again, DL
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 8, 2006 8:16:25 GMT
Hi DL and welcome to the site x
Congratulations on being such a supportive husband - my other half took quite a while to understand and adapt to things and if I'm honest I still think he spends a lot of the time with his head in the sand!
It is a really difficult time for both of you, it is an illness which is very much all consuming and relationship testing at times.
I know some posts do show that it can take years to recover but it's not all like it is in the beggining of the illness, some of the ladies who are years down the line have really long periods before have small lapses.
I can connect with your wife in the fact that to the outside world you seem fine and can hold conversations and smile etc but then behind closed doors you're completely different. I used to liken it to wearing 'the mask' I was diagnosed in August and still only my husband, best friend and aunti know. We are an extremely close family but I felt ashamed and embarrassed so it's still a 'secret'. This means that I wore the 'mask' for a lot of the time which probably made it worse for my husband becasue as he saw it I was fine with other people.
You sound to be doing all the right things and just keep hold of the fact it will get better and you will be stronger on the other side of it.
Sorry if I've wittered!
Take care
KL X
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dl
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Posts: 44
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Post by dl on Nov 8, 2006 14:40:42 GMT
Hi KL,
Many thanks for your eerily timely reply - I really appreciate it. My Wife had to do something "external" today and we had just finished having a conversation about "the mask" when I logged on on saw your message.
She's slowly learning not to wear it with me as I really do care for her and love her - but she feels she has to wear it to be 'normal' and to 'fit in'....she tells herself that she must control the PNI and gets very angry with herself when she can't...then she gets depressed that she got angry so tries even harder next time to be 'normal'....it's a vicious circle.
As a result our parents think she is 'getting better' and start telling us all their problems...which usually we could cope with....but we need to keep it a secret in order to be 'normal'...another vicious circle!!
I suggested trying to write things down when she is in her "deepest darkest depths of my own personal hell" (her words, not mine!!) - not sure if that'll work though...might go some way to helping to clear her head a bit though?
She has, on many an occasion described her head as being like a Windows desk-top where every conceivable application is open but 'minimised' - the computer just hangs/crashes!!
I decided today that I will start taking number 1 to nursery - that way my Wife doesn't have to see her 'friends' first thing in the morning - the wrong comment or look from one of the other Mums can lead to a whole day being completely written off....I know it's not their fault...if only they knew.
Although as I found myself taking number 1 in I was greeted by some of the other Mums with "hi, how are you" to which I replied "fine thanks, and you?"....I'm developing a mask of my own.
Thanks to all who read and respond - incidentally, when my Wife has better moments I show her this thread...it helps us both!!
All the best DL
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Post by Veritee on Nov 8, 2006 15:51:47 GMT
Please do keep us posted
I used to think I would be better in a few days - I am afraid most of us do for a while .
But i did want to say to you that sometimes you say that you will be better soon to your partner/husband as you are worried that they will not want to stay with you or be able to cope if your illness lasts much longer..
Have you made it clear to your wife that you are with her for the long haul - as you obviously are?
have you said to her, when she says she will be better 'next week' that you do not care how long it takes you will be here for her?
As when we have PNI one of out biggest fears can be that our family will be better off without us! that we are a really crap mum, and wife and we would not blame our partners for leaving us!!
If she has not read the forum she may know less about PNI than you do now - you have read some of the threads so you know it can last for some quite a while and other things about how we feel when we have PNI.
I so wish your wife felt she could use this site , but sometimes when you are very ill you just can not access any support - and we are their for you too.
but could your wife - I do not even know her name? - email one of us ? some do this if they can not go on the forum
In terms of men supporting men..
I have always hoped that more men or relatives and family of women with PNI would use this forum too.
And indeed they do use it as you can see from the posts, but it seems to be one at a time!!
What I mean by this is while some men and relatives do use this forum when their loved one is suffering PNI they often find that because no men or relatives really stay on to support others once their partner etc is recovered .......... they can be on their own here as male partners or family member of a sufferer
This is not a criticism just a fact - and I wanted to say that while many men have posted in the past - and will do in the future - you may not find yourself on this forum at the same time as another guy.
I do totally understand this as my husband has always supported me -
and for many years- through PNI and supports this forum behind the scenes as many times it has been his earnings keeping it going ( he will be pleased you bought a wristband LOL) and he gives me the 'time out' or space from family tasks to do all the work and time this service takes to run.....
but he does not come on here regularly and support other men as his only interest in PNI is due to his interest in me.
( my husband Barry would of course offer you a short message of comfort as Hopefuls has but Barry is a merchant seaman currently at sea off the coast of Caracas with no internet access)
So while you may rarely talk to another husband, partner or relative on here, perhaps you can take comfort in that they have been here before you and many will come after you...
And that for those who no longer use this forum, their wifes, partners have got through it and it is because they have got through PNI that they no longer feel the need for the support of this forum.
In the meantime we are here for you and will do out best to support you - although this will mostly be from the point of view of a sufferer and not how it feel to support someone you love suffering form PNI
but we will do our best to help you through ( and your wife if she ever does join)
VeriteeX
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Post by Veritee on Nov 8, 2006 16:30:06 GMT
Sorry - our posts crossed.............. Which means I was writing my response when you posted your last post so I did not read it first.... I really relate to this: same here - but my husband was at sea so I had to do it most of the time and at least it kept me out facing the world.. but I do know it will be a real help if you do it from now on as she can relax and rest and not worry about nursery - but you also have to beware of her avoiding meeting people and becoming isolated Is there any chance that you take your 3 year old to nursery together once in a while - or she does it every third time ? are there any other little practical tasks you can do that will help as well? - perhaps take your youngest out so she can spend time with the 23 year old - or take them both out once a week your wife can have a bath or go shopping etc In addition you might like to look at what Home Start can provide in your area for when you are out at work - www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/Is there any social events or activities she really enjoys you can do together to prevent her from becoming isolated --- as it is a temptation to avoid everything that distresses you and ending up isolated - and this is not good either! ( sorry if you have gone through all this - they are just suggestions - you might already be doing all of this or have decided that they are not helpful to you as we all have different needs) But please if you can show your wife this thread and please ask her if she wants to email - or even text - someone?It might help for her to write down her deepest thoughts and fears - but they may be more than she can admit to right now or even ever - even to you. have you read our 'thoughts ' section i had terrible thoughts that i hid form my husband and it took me a long time to be able to tell anyone Your wife may not have anything like this - but she may have other stuff she is not yet ready to talk to you or anyone about/ there is so much shame that women feel about PNI - Shame that they even have PNI and some women feel that by talking to others with it they somehow 'join the club' and this makes them one of us and admitting to failure but PNI happens to anyone - many of us are professional women, even nurses and even some midwives have used this forum anyway we are hear for you but would like to be here for your wife too ask her to look at the diary section - veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=Journalperhaps she could consider writing her thoughts there?
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dl
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Posts: 44
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Post by dl on Nov 8, 2006 16:50:24 GMT
Dear Veritee,
Many thanks for your posts - my name's Matt and my Wife is called Lucy
Lucy just read your posts and has said that she will try and go on (probably as me).
She knows that I'm in it for the long haul - I have reassured her of that.
Your idea of going together to nursery is a great one and we will give it a go soon.
Monday 13th is the big day for us - see the head doctor (I can't spell psychiatrist!!) in the afternoon and then meet our potential home start volunteer in the morning - that was a REAL struggle accepting home-start...that's what other people do!!!
Lucy reads this thread and does feel supported.
Many thanks DL (Matt)
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Post by caterina on Nov 8, 2006 22:02:26 GMT
Matt I was reading through your posts and one bit caught my eye..about your wife putting on an act for others. I too did this, fooling my health visitor and family for ages, my mum still doesn't know! I'm sure my partner would describe all the same things you are when I was at my worst. I can only suggest that you continue to support your wife. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for someone to live with a partner with PNI but you're not alone. She will get better and has done the most difficult bit..asking for help.
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dl
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Post by dl on Nov 9, 2006 12:48:17 GMT
Hi Caterina,
Many thanks for your message - it helps to know others relate to "the mask"!!
On the suject of which, I did the nursery run again this morning before heading in to work - Lucy's 'friends' were there again and there was the usual awkwardness - they know something's up and that it's gone beyond the "how's Lucy?" stages - clearly there's a problem so what do they do? Ignore it! - I know it's not their fault as when they do see Lucy everything is OK...but oh no!...it's the mask....yet more vicious circles!!!
My wristband arrived today - many thanks - I'm wearing it as a reminder to myself that even when Luce has better days she's still battling.
Thanks to all who take the time to read and reply.
Matt
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Post by yoyo on Nov 9, 2006 14:48:11 GMT
Hi
I've been following your thread and just wanted to say how much I'm sure your wife will appreciate your support and help, she may not always be able to show it or even connect with her true emotions and true feelings some of the time but when you both come through it or begin to see through it you'll be stronger than ever you could imagine.
PNI stinks it really does, it easts away at you, makes life sheer torture for much of the time, I found at first I fought it, then got compeltely worn out trying to do that, then I ignored it, pretended it wasn't there but this too became too much, then I accepted it and things did begin to imrpove, also at this time I was getting help from teh GP, CPN and found this forum. The relief was immense and I'm sure it was a turning point.
I have to admit though I did feel very sad when I read of women who'd been struggling with this for months/years in some cases but eventually I realised that it was an illness - I would get better.
Please keep talking, it really does help.
Also as has been mentioned make sure that you get chance to offload somewhere or to someone as it will be a hard road for you too.
I know what you mean about accepting the help, but please please please take every bit you can get, once the guilt feelings disappear and the frustration the help really does come into it;s own.
Well done x x x x x
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dl
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Post by dl on Nov 9, 2006 17:01:09 GMT
Hi Yoyo,
Many thanks for your reply - Lucy or LUCIE as she now appears on this forum (and posted today in "Reaching Out" - in the support for postnatal depression bit) has just said that she really relates to the "completely worn out" comment - maybe we are getting to the point of acceptance - although I have learnt that it's a case of 1 step forward, several back!!
I really appreciated your comment about being stronger when we are through this and I firmly believe this - I love Lucy more and more each day - sometimes she really doesn't believe this but it's true - PNI really sucks but I'm a stubborn mule....and as i've mentioned before, I love Luce to bits.
To any guys reading this - try to remember that your wife/girlfriend has an illness - I've heard lucy say some disturbing things and I've seen the open wounds on her arms as she's cut herself in an effort to cope - all I feel is impotent, completely incapable of solving this problem. I've tried shouting at her...it makes things worse....I've tried emotional blackmail....it make things worse....I've tried getting cross and angry...it makes things worse....I've tried ignoring it....it makes things worse.....in the very early days, in the summer, when I didn't know then what I know now I even thought about ending it all myself....I believe that would've made me a coward and a wimp.
How do I cope with this? I love her - simple!!! And support her!! Don't get me wrong, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do (and I've done some extremely hard stuff) - but, as yoyo says, I firmly believe it will make us stronger.
Many thanks, as ever to those who read and reply, I'll keep you posted (sorry, but I find it does help)
ps I run all of these past Luce before I post
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 13, 2006 7:52:14 GMT
Hi Matt and Lucy
Just wanted to say good luck today with the psychiatrist and home start volunteer
KL X
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