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Post by Veritee on Feb 20, 2007 16:52:05 GMT
Sorry I thought i would explain this thread.
This section is for trends in the sort of thoughts we have that have been discussed on the board at different times .
Often when the thread about 'thoughts 'is finished on the main board, I will move it from the main board to here so that it does not get lost in all the past posts.
But I realized that while fears and thoughts about sexually abusing a baby or child or that you are a pedophile are one of the most worrying thoughts women have with PNI and that this is quite common....... We did not have this subject in 'The Dreaded Thoughts' section .
I felt it important to include this and started to pull out from the main forum issues around this .
If anyone has anything they want to discuss in this area please add it below
Veritee
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Some thoughts and fears that have been disscussed on this board: ' ‘I am terrified that I am really a pedophile or child abuser or something like that. Can someone please assure me that they have had these thoughts as well. I have never touched my kids or hurt them in anyway but am terrified that these thoughts mean something’
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eve
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Post by eve on Feb 25, 2007 14:50:38 GMT
What a good idea Veritee,
I'm glad this is being addressed - i too had awful thoughts that i was going to turn into a paedophile and could imagine terrible things happening to my baby - I also thought other family members might abuse my child sexually. The thought that I could harm a child in this way so disgusted me that i wanted to die. But the fact that this train of thought so disgusts you and makes you feel sick to the pit of stomach is good - what I'm trying to say is that if you were not affected by these thoughts and they didn't upset you, then would be the time to worry.
My Consultant says that this is a VERY COMMON train of thought - i wouldn't allow myself to believe her and thought that i was the exception to the rule and that i was going to turn into an evil monster it was only when i found this website and started reading other peoples threads that i completely broke down crying and realised that i was not evil and that others too had similar thoughts.
I seemed to pick up on things whilst watching television and reading newspapers also things people said such as have you heard in the news etc
I'm a lot better now and the thoughts have gone just the memories remain but they are fading over time. You can move on from this, i know it doesn't feel like it when it's happening to you but you will and please get some relief from the fact that you are not alone.
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Post by amummy on Mar 14, 2007 23:16:58 GMT
I had no idea this was a symptom of PSI, I have experienced this with all three of my kids, mostly focused on fear of letting them be around family members but occasionally fear of myself. I just end up thinking I must be a terrible person, for them to be there in the first place. I'm really astonished to find it's so common.
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Post by a mum on Jun 5, 2007 12:48:47 GMT
thank you so much for this information i thought iwas going mad every thing i heard on the news or red in th papers i was convinvced i would do to my child. these horrifying thoughts made me so ill i couldn,t stop crying. iwas convinced that because i was having these thoughts iwas a terrible person who didn't deserve to have a child. my husband and doctor tried to reassure me that this was post natal illness reading your information has relly helped me realise that i am not a monster i have been ill
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Post by Veritee on Jun 5, 2007 15:17:58 GMT
Hi A Mum
I am so glad this little forum was of some use to you. of course you are not a monster, many of us have had theses thoughts as they seem to be a feature for some of PNI. I had them too but they did not worry me quite as much as my thoughts that I may kill my lovely baby/child. It was terrible as theses thoughts always are when you suffer them.
But my 'baby' is 18 now and of course I did not do anything to her but do my best to bring her up loved and cared for ..
and I know that you will do the same for your lovely child
Veritee XX
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Post by monica on Jun 5, 2007 18:25:58 GMT
Hello A mum
O f course you're not a monster! PNI is such an awful illness and can make you feel some terrible things which in reality you'd never do. Someone on here described it as the protective, mothering instinct which goes into overdrive. You have this precious child and you realise exactly how vulnerbal they are. The thoughts are so distressing as more often that not it's hard to see from where they come.
I had obsessive thoughts about illnesses for me and my closest ones. If my kids had a cold I would be planning funerals - I just couldn't see clearly and thought the worse.
But it does get better, I promise. Your dr and hubby sound reasurring. Do you have any other support out there.
Monica
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Post by babybumble on Jun 15, 2007 6:45:40 GMT
i remember that when maisy was born not long after a baby of 7wks i think it was or 7mths had been sexually abused ...and everytime for about 6mths when i changed maisy i couldnt stop thinking someone doing that to my baby it would make me gag while i was changing her...i thought i was totally bonkers and wen i explained it to people they thought i was crackers...
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Post by monica on Jun 19, 2007 20:20:08 GMT
It's a horrific case and without PNI makes you feel sick. However, with PNI, such traumatic things really can dwell on your mind, make you think abut these things obsessively and put your child in the same position. At the end of the day, your child is the most precious thing on this earth and it makes your realise that potentially they could be in that position, although statistically and practically it is extremely unlikely.
So you're not bonkers at all. When I was v ill with PNI, the Tsunami occurred and that took up my very waking hour. I would almost make myself imagine being in the position of teh victim or the survivor who had lost loved ones, esp children and dwell on it and almost try and feel their pain. You're not alone in doing this at all, but it does lessen as you get better.
Monica
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tasha
Full member
Posts: 40
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Post by tasha on Aug 17, 2007 9:52:18 GMT
Hello. my biggest fear at the moment is that I am turning in a pedophile and cant seem to get it through my head that it is the illness or is it? just cant seem to be reassured enough at the moment I know that i would not carry out these thoughts. I was sexually abused by my brother for quite a few years, myself and my partner now have not had sex for about 3 months, I cant face it but still get turned on and ignore it, so at the moment am feeling very confused, I am in no way getting turned on by the thoughts but it is horrid having these thoughts and having normal sexual urges wanting to have sex but scared if I do that one of the thoughts might pop in to my head as we are having sex. wot does this mean? help I hate myself
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ness
New Member
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Post by ness on Aug 22, 2007 13:00:06 GMT
Hi Tasha
I feel exactly how you do, I have always had bad thoughts, but thoughts about sexually abusing my son are the worst. They have made me feel so bad that at times I can't bear to go near my son and I think I deserve to die for having such disgusting thoughts.
To reassure you though, I have discussed this with my counsellor previously and usually the trigger for such thoughts are if you have been sexually abused yourself. Any buried emotions or feelings from your own account of abuse can come to light again, especially when experiencing motherhood for the first time.
You are not alone! I am taking medication now to help. Are you getting any help with your problems?
Ness x
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Post by LesleyJOY on Nov 12, 2007 12:00:37 GMT
Dear Tasha, you have postnatal depression and it's obvious how much you care! Enough to seek help with your distressing thoughts! You don't have to have had been sexually abused to have disturbing distrustfull thoughts about yourself! Depression hides the true you from you! Who were you before baby! no doubt a victim of sexual abuse by a sibling; no doubt this is something that can predispose you do a risk of depression and Postnatal depression. I facillitated a support group for two women whom had been sexually abused; I myself had been molested in high school at 14yo! Its really hard cos all the pain and hard stuff is so easy to remember but the beautiful things about you get lost in the horrors of the chemical imbalances from a lack of seratonin... Like living in a nightmare, horror movie, where you lose your sense of self and others! You are still attracted to men....but you shut yourself off and fear is controlling your actions! From the bible "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." I quoted this because of its meaning to me! Depression is like the shadow of the valley of death, do not fear you are still inside! Faith helps...faith in who you were and who you will be, what you have got through just to be a mum! I have had many disgusting thoughts come into my head with depression and even when non depressed and being abused as a 14yo girl in revengefull thinking! People have shitty thoughts and logically check where their head is at and that they are OK.... But with depression you dont just change into a pedophile...its bullshit.... What do you think when you are feeling OK... obviously your self hatred indicates dissaproval of pedophilia! there is your answer! pedophilia is about conscious sexual attraction to children due to having preferential sexual attraction to them! Thats bull shit mate You arent a pedophile any more than me! I used to beleive I deserved to die too and that I could harm my baby.... but I didnt beleive in that ... I didnt sleep for bloody 2weeks straight and took sleeping pills for months....and I kept my shit together cos underneath I was still me in torture and pain hating me .... and slowly starting to rebuild my identity......... Look at old photos of you remember you. Remember your honeymoon or first date remember kissing cute boys.....Feel this and write this down to read when you are feeling shitty...... write messages of strength for yourself when you are in need.. get professional councilling for personal issues....Google Cognitive Therapy..... A wonderfull tool for challenging depressed nutty thoughts.......... make jokes to yourself about depression....... Mate be kind to you for baby and beleive in you for baby... baby and husband needsyour self beleif , Love and forgiveness of yourself.... Know that you were a victim and that in no way reflects on your charater any more than me being molested at 14....If you are a christian know that god loves you and empathises but is your staff and rod...your strength when you are weak..... I hug a Teddy bear whom I say to myself is god and Jesus. and soft and fluffy and real.... its god me through many horrors... the bear could be Youself and how much you love you instead! Good luck mate......Look at the stars arent they beautiful!
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Post by A Devoted Mummy on Nov 12, 2007 20:17:23 GMT
I just want to say a huge thank you. I am crying with relief after reading this thread. I have two beautiful boys, whom I love with all my heart. After Decs was born, I was suffering with PNI when I read a story in the newspaper about a woman murdering her children - this triggered awful thoughts that I was going to do the same. I never got treated, but it eventually got better and these awful thoughts became a distant memory. My second son was born two years later and is now 14 months. At the time he was born, there was lots of stories about paedophiles in the paper and I started to get these awful thoughts again - this time about sexual abuse. I have never been sexually abused but had a difficult(ish) upbringing. My gran who brought me up was wonderful but my mum was hardly around and I never knew my dad until I became an adult. These thought originally started with me not trusting anyone else but gradually the fear changed to myself becoming a paedophile!!!! These thoughts and images would make me physically sick. I am taking Fluoxetine, which helps and I have seen a councillor but have never gone into detail about the thoughts that terrorize me because I was afraid my babies would be taken off me and I would never hurt them - it is just as if my mind wants to torture me into a panic attack. I thought that I must be evil and screwed up and this is the first time I have ever read bout anyone else suffering from this and I can't tell you how relieved I am. Nowadays, 90% of the time, I feel like my old self (I am still taking Fluoxetine) but every now and again it happens again and I panic that I will never get better - it is almost as if the illness likes to lure me into a false sense of security. i will be fine for few months and not even think about the illness and then it will strike again. I'll feel awful for a day or two and then it will go away again. At the beginning i felt like this all the time and I worry I'll go back to that. I think the hardest thing now is for me to forgive myself for being this ill.
When i am having one of my wobbly days, I tell myself what another member said earlier on in the thread - that these thoughts make you feel sick and that shows how you really feel about the subject. I think for me is that I completely do not understand how people do these sick things, they can't be born like that and then that triggers the fear that I will suddenly turn into one overnight!! It sounds ridiculous when I feel ok but when I'm ill I can't stop myself from panicking.
If anyone has any tips for when these thoughts pop in to your head - please let me know. Has anyone tried CBT?
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Post by monica on Nov 12, 2007 21:40:59 GMT
Hello
I'm so glad you are feeling better and that these thoughts are going. It is quite a normal part of the recovery process to have downs or blips, when you are plagued again with thoughts or worries - in time the blips willbecome shorter and less intense - please believe me. I do understand though how hard it is whenyou're going through one of these - it can feel like you're back to square one and never will recover - but you will.
Many women have distressing thoughts and it is very common to become obsessed that someone is going to harm your child or even you're going to harm them either physically, sexually or both.
Someone on here discribed it as the protective instinct going into overdrive - you have a baby who is very vulerable but this illness can lead twist this natural instinct to the point where you doubt yourself - but you will never harm your child.
I was obsessed with illness to the point if my kids had a cold I would think there was something seriously wrong with them. I couldn't look at these things rationally.
I did a PND course and they suggested writing down each thought, then next to it writing evidence that this thought will come true and evidence that it won't. Inevitably there will be overwhelming reasons for the thought not to come true and sometimes seeing it in black and white can help.
It is hard to forgive yourslef for being ill - guilt very often crops up - but you must try and remember this is an illness - just as if you'd broken your leg and couldnt walk properly - you certainly didn't chose to have it and it takes time to heal, but please remember heal you will.
Monica
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Post by A Devoted Mummy on Nov 14, 2007 20:52:32 GMT
Thank you for your reply. I'm back on my good days at the minute. I'm not sure what triggers my blips but I look forward to the day I don't get any. Who knows maybe I've already had my last one! If not I'll try the writing it down thing and see if it works. Take Care
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eve
Full member
Posts: 34
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Post by eve on Nov 20, 2007 14:25:17 GMT
Hi all, Just to say i too have been moved by the above quote "Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. I have suffered from PNI for 20 months and am still battling hard! I know im no paedophile but during bad days when the thoughts return it's hard to rationalise these vial thoughts and once you start thinking about them they take hold and consume you. Take relief from the fact we are not alone - Faith and this website are getting me through. Cheers all x
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