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Post by winegirl on Aug 21, 2008 21:04:28 GMT
Hi Hun
Thats great! It will be lovely to have you back. Bet you are looking forward to having a bit of space in september??
Best of luck to your girls starting school - god it goes quick...
WG xx
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Post by winegirl on Aug 30, 2008 15:35:47 GMT
Hi Jemima
The fact that you know you dont really feel like this and are upset about it proves you do not need to be frightened. It is just your mind playing tricks with you trying to wind you up. When you get these thoughts, teh best thing to do is accept that you have had the thought and then forget it. Stewing on them just makes them come back more.
I know it is upsetting, but it will pass and is just another awful part of this illness.
This will get better x
WG xx
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Post by jemima on Aug 30, 2008 16:30:45 GMT
Thankyou, it tis easy to be tricked isnt it? That seems to be the thing that I need to deal with the most,not dwelling on the thought at all.That is just part of the OCD.I suppose it is the same thing as seeing a knife,having a bad thought and dwelling on that, knowing you would never do such a terrible thing.As the day has gone on I can see it for what it was now but when it happens it totally spins you out.Do you think I need to increase the meds or just see it as a blip?
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Post by twinmummy on Aug 30, 2008 21:59:44 GMT
Hi Jemima,
So sorry to hear your going through a 'blip'. Awful isn't it?
I remember feeling exactly the same, examining my every reaction to things and wondering 'does this mean I really want to do x, y or z?'.
Also, once I'd overcome one distressing thought (some of mine went on for months ), then along would come another one, completely different in nature, but still awful. Its like I was doing it to myself, testing myself.
But of course somewhere deep down we know we don't want to do what we are thinking or else we wouldn't be so distressed about it. Keep reminding yourself its this bloody awful illness making you feel this way.
I do think its just a blip hun. You are doing so well. It takes a strong person to get through their days with these thoughts and feelings, but you are doing it.
Regarding the meds, I never upped my dose during my illness, just kept with 50mg sertraline the whole way through, so can't really advise. No harm in asking your doctor if it might help though.
Keep posting hun, think it really helps when you air your feelings with us and hopefully you will be reassured by peoples responses.
Fingers crossed the 'blip' won't last too long xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Post by monica on Aug 31, 2008 8:15:22 GMT
Hi
Firstly if you were a paedophile you wouldn't worry about abusingyour child. As you say,this illness can throw up all sorts of horrible feelings and thoughts and this is a common one. Seeing your child naked can put allsorts of thoughts into your head especially when you're prone to analysing things as is the case with PNI. I also found that my mind used to think things to spite me, if you know what Imean.
As soon as a thought comes inot your head, try to say to yourself it's PNI and not you - rationalise it. In time, these thoughts will go.
love
Monica
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Post by phild09 on Sept 1, 2008 12:34:23 GMT
I am so glad I found this website and this thread. I have been having these thoughts since my son was 10 weeks old(he is 4 months now). They are so scary & I really am sad that anyone has to feel this way girls. I would get frightened to change my son and even now I dont like changing him if someone else isn't in the room. I know it's silly and that I won't abuse him but I can't get it out of my head. I then worry that I wiped him too many times or something utterly daft like that, and convince myself that it was abuse. When I know full well it wasn't. I had a full on panic attack once after putting cream on his bottom and convinced myself i'd done something terrible & was a paedophile. It's scary what the human mind can do. Sometimes i dont even want to pick him up for fear of what might happen. Today I feel awful because when I was holding his neck to put him down I thought I might strangle him. And thought "did I hold his neck too hard". Logic (and mil) tell me if I had done then he would have a mark and would have cried. But my mind tells me I am a terrible person and am trying to hurt him. It should be a happy day as today was his first taste of solid food but im miserable as sin. I'm reasured that this is a common thing with PNI. But sad that all you lovely girls have to feel this bad too ((
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Post by monica on Sept 1, 2008 14:44:32 GMT
Hello and welcome
I'm sorryyou're feeling this way but as you've discovered this is a common symptom of PNI as are other obssessive thoughts. Mine were illnesses and dying and I would blow them out of proportion, to the point it overtook my life.
Are you getting any support? Hav eyou been to see dr/hv? If not, please do, as with support you will recover much quicker. You mil sounds supportive andit's important to have people around you to reassure you.
Love
Monica
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Post by phild09 on Sept 1, 2008 18:46:31 GMT
Hi Monica
Yes I've seen my HV and doctor and am on citalopram. Too early to be making a difference yet though i think as I've only been on it a week or so...
I am also waiting for a referral for counselling, but I'm not sure I even want to discuss these thoughts with anyone. It just sounds so awful, I can hardly believe that anyone else has felt this, or that someone who has never felt this way would understand?
This site is great though. xxx
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Post by jemima on Sept 1, 2008 19:25:25 GMT
Hi eveyone, firstly thankyou so much for your posts of support, I dont honestly know how I would cope if I were not to come on here.I have never told anyone the full extent of my illness and to post what I did on saturday took a lot of courage .To know that others have felt this way and these things is a huge comfort yet still very sad because we are all mums and seem to be experiencing a mothers hell. Phild09, I felt for you so much when you wrote about changing your son and understood completely when you said about what you thought and how it made you feel,especially as it was his first day on solids.All I can say is please still enjoy these times , even with the stupid illness gong on in the background,trying to mess things up.THEY ARE STILL HAPPENING IN SPITE OF IT! You sound like a lovely mum and I am sorry it makes you feel so bad,it does it to me too. It does test you and says things out of spite, each time I think that I am on the mend, it throws something else up,ten times worse than before.I think at last now I am getting the better of it by trying to look at it objectively each time a bad thought happens and it is largely thanks to you guys so thanks!Hope I havent rambled on too much XX
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Post by phild09 on Sept 1, 2008 21:28:07 GMT
Hi, sorry you're feeling crappy too!
I really feel jealous of normal mums who can change their lo's and not worry about abusing them...who can pick them up without thinking about dropping them...I used to be fine until lo was 10 weeks and BANG it hit me, that he could be hurt - and that I could hurt him. Not that I would.
It's crazy because thinking about being a paedophile, actually makes you want to touch your lo LESS...I feel very odd about giving my lo a cuddle now as I am worried I'll think something awful. I get so jealous of my mil and my OH who can happily pat lo's bum or kiss his mouth. As I feel really awkward having "intimate" contact with him, if that makes sense? And that makes me feel terrible. I have heard that sometimes babies who have lack of touch/contact with their mums can grow up remembering it, and have problems. Unsure whether its true or not but i really worry about it!
Hope you feel better soon. How old is your lo? x
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Post by tabbysmum on Sept 2, 2008 8:56:48 GMT
Hi Jemima,
I haven't had any thoughts of sexual abuse but had and still have the harm thoughts, mine too have lasted for months. It's just horrible but I do know that because I react so strongly to them I am prolonging them and making them worse, I also know that because I'm so scared of them it means I wont act on them. Unfortunately that doesn't really offer much reassurance when you're anxiety is at it's peak and you can't get the thoughts out of your head, the more you fight them the worse they become, but it's a natural reaction to try and fight them so the cycle goes on and on. In time the thoughts do lessen, I have had harm thoughts about anything and everything and most of them now have calmed down, I still have one or two bad ones which still cause me terrible distress, but in time they'll get better as well. Don't analyse these thoughts, that just prolongs the vicious circle, accept them, keep your mind busy and distracted, that's the key, you need to replace these thoughts with other ones which is virtually impossible I know but if you can distract yourself in time you'll fine they're happening less.
Keep coming on here and talking, don't every be afraid of saying what's in your head, nobody will be shocked, everybody will help you through.
Take care
TM
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Post by jemima on Sept 2, 2008 12:55:07 GMT
Hello everyone, its so good to find kindred spirits. Please phildo9 keep cuddling and showing love to your son,even if having a terrible thought,try to overide it.Cuddling them will help!I remember if it happened to me whilst I had picked them up or were giving them a kiss then I would straight away give them another big kiss or hug to try and blot it out.Like you say, wouldnt it be so much easier and lovely if you could just do the normal things without the damn thoughts!I look at other mums too,have even cried about on occasion but you dont know, they could be going through the same.People probably look at me and think how loving a mum I am and how normal.If only they knew how much of a mental struggle the past four years have been. I have two girls, one is four on xmas day,the other is 18 months. Keep your chinup,remember that this is a horrible illness and keep posting.We will help each other through X
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Post by monica on Sept 2, 2008 17:42:16 GMT
Hi
Try cuddling your babes with someone else there - oh or whoever - if they thought you were doing something inappropriate they'd definately jump in. Also perhaps the more you cuddle, the less you'll have these thoughts. Just a thought. I also found with my intrusive thoughts that when I started having one I'd say 'no' aloud and that seemed to help.
Things will pick up I promise and it won't last forever. Your babes sound liek really happy and contented so there wont' be any lasting effects.
Love
Monica
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Post by jemima on Sept 4, 2008 12:30:38 GMT
Thankyou, I do that sometimes as well, I say shut up or go away to myself. My girls seem to be happy, they go around singing a lot! All said and done , we show them lots of love and laugh and joke with them a lot.We are a bit ecentric in our house, even our cats nuts! A lot of stuff I keep to myself but am involving my husband a little more now, have really shut him out over the last few months.Dont really know how much to tell him, dont know whether he could handle it or would understand.Dont really know if I want him to know.Can anyone else advise me here? Am I posting this in the wrong section?
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Post by twinmummy on Sept 4, 2008 17:42:23 GMT
Hi Jemima,
I think you should tell your husband only as much as you feel comfortable with.
I told my partner that I was having dreadful thoughts because my reaction to them was so bad, I used to be terrified, sobbing, so I felt I had to try and explain to him what was happening to me.
I remember telling him that I was thinking 'bad things' and of course he wanted to know what the 'bad things' were.... but I never could tell him....I just said he should try to imagine the worst possible thing that could happen to a child and then imagine yourself doing it to them.
I never ever once spelt it out to him (or anyone else) exactly what the thoughts were about, just told him enough for him to understand why I was so distressed by them.
And he did understand to a degree, and was very supportive, but its one of those things...unless you have been through it you can't possible imagine what its like.
Your hubby can still sympathise, offer support and understanding without having to know the exact nature of your thoughts if you don't feel ready or able to share.
Take care,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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