Post by Veritee on Dec 22, 2004 14:48:28 GMT
Dear Jennie and everyone who can relate to this
I totally agree with Fran that you must try to put any guilt behind you about a termination - I know this is hard but I doubt anyone would have a termination if they thought their was any choice.
but I still think it is OK to want to talk about it and think about it as many times as you want throughout your life.
I had a termination when I was around 20 - I can not really remember the exact year now! For a time I blotted it out
But at the time I really felt I had no option - I will not go into why and unlike your position Jennie the father was not someone I know now - I think somehow must make it harder to still know and be with the father??
But I want to say, even though for me it was over 30 years ago - I still miss that baby and wonder what he/she ( I was sure the baby was a she) would have been like. I do sometimes cry for that child and the circumstances around it.
I tell you this with the risk of worrying that someone will interpret the fact I still cry for the child I aborted ( this is what it was call then and this is the word I am used to using even though it is not PC now) and think of her - means that I have not fully grieved or have not come to terms and accepted what happened.
But I do not see it like this.
This baby whether I terminated or not was actually very real to me. I have long come to terms with it but this does not mean I should not think of her or cry for her.
After all if I had had a child die of natural causes, in the womb or after birth I doubt that I would ever forget this child and not think about them from time to tame and wonder what they would have been like had they lived to be an adult.
Why should it be different for a child we terminated?
What I am saying is I would be worried if I did not think about this baby now and then and I just expect or hope my friends are there to support me when I feel I need to think about her and talk about her.
Christmas always brings this up for me as if I had had this baby I would be buying presents for her and maybe her children.
By writing this I realise it may be misinterpreted that I am asking for support myself
This is not why I wrote it - it is because I think sometimes it is thought that if we talk about terminations miscarriages and cry about them sometimes this is because we have more to come to terms with - more of our story to tell.
But I really think that this experience and the pain we suffered is a fact of our lives and something’s we may always need or want to re visit and tell people about and having the need to do this does not mean we are any less sorted about it than some one who prefers not to go there.
For myself not to remember this baby at all would not honouring her memory.
I know I chose to terminate but there are many reasons and the baby was still precious
All the best
Veritee
PS turkey collection was put back as it is not in the shop till 3 pm!
I totally agree with Fran that you must try to put any guilt behind you about a termination - I know this is hard but I doubt anyone would have a termination if they thought their was any choice.
but I still think it is OK to want to talk about it and think about it as many times as you want throughout your life.
I had a termination when I was around 20 - I can not really remember the exact year now! For a time I blotted it out
But at the time I really felt I had no option - I will not go into why and unlike your position Jennie the father was not someone I know now - I think somehow must make it harder to still know and be with the father??
But I want to say, even though for me it was over 30 years ago - I still miss that baby and wonder what he/she ( I was sure the baby was a she) would have been like. I do sometimes cry for that child and the circumstances around it.
I tell you this with the risk of worrying that someone will interpret the fact I still cry for the child I aborted ( this is what it was call then and this is the word I am used to using even though it is not PC now) and think of her - means that I have not fully grieved or have not come to terms and accepted what happened.
But I do not see it like this.
This baby whether I terminated or not was actually very real to me. I have long come to terms with it but this does not mean I should not think of her or cry for her.
After all if I had had a child die of natural causes, in the womb or after birth I doubt that I would ever forget this child and not think about them from time to tame and wonder what they would have been like had they lived to be an adult.
Why should it be different for a child we terminated?
What I am saying is I would be worried if I did not think about this baby now and then and I just expect or hope my friends are there to support me when I feel I need to think about her and talk about her.
Christmas always brings this up for me as if I had had this baby I would be buying presents for her and maybe her children.
By writing this I realise it may be misinterpreted that I am asking for support myself
This is not why I wrote it - it is because I think sometimes it is thought that if we talk about terminations miscarriages and cry about them sometimes this is because we have more to come to terms with - more of our story to tell.
But I really think that this experience and the pain we suffered is a fact of our lives and something’s we may always need or want to re visit and tell people about and having the need to do this does not mean we are any less sorted about it than some one who prefers not to go there.
For myself not to remember this baby at all would not honouring her memory.
I know I chose to terminate but there are many reasons and the baby was still precious
All the best
Veritee
PS turkey collection was put back as it is not in the shop till 3 pm!