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Post by sarajay28 on May 26, 2006 14:12:32 GMT
Well i feel as though i should write in my diary as i haven't done so for a while. I am so busy at the moment, i don't know where the minutes of the day go........LOL I have recently enrolled at college to do some highers (gsce's) and have just recieved a letter saying i've been accepted to do psychology, modern studeis and english which is great. Nathan is going to go to the nursery at college which means me and robbie can share taking him in and picking him up. I am really looking forward to it as even though its 3 courses i shouldn't find it too difficult as ihave previously studied at a higher level than this. I will start in Sept 06. I have also just started training to become a home-start volunteer (my first session was today) and i really enjoyed it. Its nice to be doing something different and worthwhile, and something where you know you will make a difference to someones life. Have also been busy doing the usual 'mum' things and 'wife' things. I have an Ann Summers party tonight!!! and am actually NOT looking forward to it, most of the people who said they were coming have been pulling out in dribs and drabs!!! and i have a stinking cold/runny nose/cough........ but on the up side the people who are coming are my closest friends and i'll have no kids for a whole night (they are going to robs mums) and i'll get robbie to myself too!! LOL. Oh yeah and i'm having a bloody big glass of wine!!! Hope everyone is ok and feeling ok? Loadsa Love to you all Sarah.xxx
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Post by cheshire on May 26, 2006 15:34:43 GMT
Have fun tonight sarah xxx
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Post by sarajay28 on May 27, 2006 18:48:45 GMT
Well the night turned out to be good fun and although i wished i'd cancelled it, it was a good laugh. Me and my neighbour (best friend) went out afterwards as we were the only two that didn't have our kids the whole night, so we met up with robbie in the pub and he was already guttered!!! LOL. We had a good night but i didn't drink much cos of my cold/cough, i just didn't feel up to it. So today robbie has been suffering and i am just suffering extreme tiredness as he kept me awake all night with his snoring!!! (not quite what i had in mind but never mind eh!!! LOL) Tonight Robbie has gone to a friend of mine's stag night, i've known this guy for ages and he's a really good friend and i also worked with him as he's an ambulance technician, we have been invited to his wedding dance but he was out last night and invited robbie along to the stag do aswell. So i am getting a night of true peace all to myself as cameron and kirsty are having a 'sleepover' at my sisters house and i just have nathan who is all tucked up in bed already. Anyway next week i haven't got much on so i'm gonna relax and enjoy the feeling of doing nothing much!!! Loadsa Love
Sarah.xxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Jun 13, 2006 19:32:21 GMT
Just looked back at what i wrote in here last and can't believe how happy and upbeat i sounded!!! not at all like i feel this week...... The week was ok up until friday, i had my volunteer training and it was the child protection stuff this week and although it wasn't half as bad as i'd imagined it was still quite unpleasant, it makes you think about all kinds of situations that are truly awful and what you have to do in these situations if they should ever arise!! It wasn't until i got home and started going over the things in the training session that i started to feel crappy! we have some case studies to go over before our next session (a week on fri) but i'm not sure i can read them just now. I had the most awful dream on friday night that my mum had met a bloke on the internet and he'd come over to her house to meet her and when she went into the kitchen he attacked me! it was one of those dreams that feel so real and i was really shook up about it when i woke up, also i felt as if i hadn't slept! Saturday i was grumpy and snappy at robbie and the kids, due to the tiredness and thoughts about the dream and it just ruined a otherwise good day, then on sunday there were a few things happening that upset me and i've basically felt down since then!! I was also hoping for good news from the council on the housing front and also robbie works on a private estate where there are a few empty houses (big houses) and he was going to ask his boss about renting one, today i phoned the council to find out the likelihood of us getting a bigger house in the near future to be told our chances are very very slim because we are waiting for a very scarce 4 bedroomed house! then robbie phoned and told me he'd asked his boss who had told him that they have foreign workers coming over soon and they are going to be living in the houses!!!! so basically i'm devasted about that and pissed off at the same time. AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. I really feel as if i want to cry but the tears don't seem to want to come, i just feel very flat and have no 'get up and go' at the minute. I have an appointment with a new solicitor on thursday to finally sort out my divorce and i'm again waiting for the csa to write to my ex hubby, who is going to go mental when he finds out i've contacted them as i'd agreed to a private arrangement with him but he was only giving me £36 per week for the 2 kids when he's earning in excess of £400 per week!!! so i'm dreading all of this. Tonight my kids have gone to stay with his mum (he's there too) and i feel like shit about it as last week they'd stayed and she is meant to put them to school but the last couple of times she has taken them home at 7.45am and expected me to get them ready and give them breakfast which is not part of the arrangement so i went mad last week and said they weren't getting to stay during the week anymore but because i feel so shit just now i gave in and let them go and now i feel like i should have stuck to my guns and done what i thought was right instead of being a coward and avoiding the conflict!!!!! i'm so gutless sometimes and i really hate him for making me feel this way. Sorry am rambling now.
Hope tomorrow is better?
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Post by cheshire on Jun 13, 2006 20:53:06 GMT
Hope tomorrow is better for youxx
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Post by monica on Jun 14, 2006 8:09:54 GMT
Dear Sarah
I'm sorry things are a bit shitty for you at the moment and I bet it feels as if everything's going wrong . I'm sure things will pick up. You have so much on your plate at the mo that even without PNI anyone would feel stressed and overwhelmed.
You're not weak at all. In fact I really admire your strength. Everyone at times doesn't have the energy to fight and at times stepping down and avoiding a confrontation is easier and that's ok, too.
Take care
monica
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Post by sarajay28 on Jun 14, 2006 10:23:26 GMT
Thanks hopeful and monica,
yes it does feel as if everything is going wrong for me at the moment but thats the way life goes isn't it? Its good to know that you think i'm not that weak for giving in, i just feel like i can't win in this situation cos i want to do whats right but sometimes don't have the strength (like yesterday) and that causes conflict between me and robbie as he feels i should stand up to my ex more!!! easier said than done though. I really don't think robbie understands fully that my ex ran me down so much over the years and made me feel weak and a pushover and i still find it very very hard to stand up to him, robbie thinks because i'm not with my ex anymore it should be easier but how do you explain that its not? i find it very hard to explain the 'hold' that he seems to have over me, god i don't think i even understand it myself, how do i get past this? will i ever be able to do what i think and feel is right without worrying about the consequences? i'm considering asking my gp to refer me for councelling as maybe this would help me? what do you think? It really is hard because you think (and everyone else does too) that after 3 years seperation you can deal with things better and get on with your life but its not like that, especially when you have kids and you have to have contact with your ex all the time. Anyway todays rant over, am feeling much better after writing all that down yesterday and am hoping that as i continue to write things down i will feel better too, i know its worked before so hopefully it will work this time too, and also its fantastic to gets others thoughts on things especially when its a tough subject that i can't really talk to robbie about. Thanks all of you, you are amazing.
Loadsa Love
Sarah.xxx
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Post by cheshire on Jun 20, 2006 21:48:29 GMT
Hi Sarah
Just wondering how you are?
About the counselling, I believe it can help - maybe give it a go?
Thinking of you and sending you a big hugxx
Hopefulxxxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Jul 10, 2006 22:02:42 GMT
Wow, 20th June was my last diary entry. Although not much has been happening since then, well nothing majorly exciting! hahaha. We had Camerons world cup birthday party on 30thJune!! WOW, i've finally decided that i have lost the plot completely!!! Why on earth did i decide that this would be a good idea? ?? LOL. Nearly everyone he invited turned up (approx 18) and it p**sed down rain the whole day so they couldn't go outside! and to top it all off, why did no-one tell me that a bunch of 10yr olds eat like pigs, don't listen to a word you say and all do as they damn well please! I had to get robbie to intervene at the games cos they all ended up fighting, all the food was gone in about 30seconds! and my house looked like world war 3 had started, took place and finished all within 2 hours! Looking back it seems quite amusing, hahaha. I just want to say NEVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN!!!! My son really enjoyed it and told me it was the best party ever (awwww) and all his friends now love me/him and it made/makes me feel like the best mum ever so all in all it was worth every minute. I have been quite into the world cup (think it might be something to do with all the fit blokes in shorts!) but seriously i have found i have quite enjoyed watching it with my son, also robbie has been getting into it, and he's never really liked football. Anyway thats all for now cos i'm going to bed!
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Post by sarajay28 on Jul 14, 2006 12:53:43 GMT
Just wanted to note that i'm going on holiday for a week (well 6 days) to meet Robbie's half-brother for the 1st time and we are also going to see my auntie and my nanna, whom i've not seen for at least 2 years. I am feeling so good today and just wanted to note it down.
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Post by cheshire on Jul 15, 2006 11:05:53 GMT
Glad you feel sooo good - H xxxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Jul 3, 2007 19:50:07 GMT
Wow its been a whole year since i wrote in my diary.......i'd hoped i'd be feeling much better by now but as i've seen on this site, this isn't always the case!! I'm having quite a tough time at the moment and i have a lot of stress and i'm still on my anti-d's (which i'd hoped to be off by now) so things are too rosy at all. I finished college on the 22nd May (my last exam) and have been strugglking ever since really, i've come to the conclusion that i don't deal with change very well at all!!! I'm now back to being a full-time stay at home mum and i'm finding this difficult after having some precious time to myself (at college) although i am enjoying being able to do things with Nathan. We have a great relationship now and we are very close, although i can't believe my little baby is gonna be 2 in a few weeks!!!! It was my eldest son's 11th birthday yesterday (which i always find emotional??) maybe him being my first?? we just had a family tea party as he is now 'too old' (his words) for parties!!!! and it was great, i actually felt good for a little while, i love it when my house is full of people, especially all my family. My dad had a mini-stroke last wednesday which has really knocked me for six. He has MS and has been wheelchair bound for about 10yrs now and is frail and weak for his age (he's 55) but i didn't expect this at all and its really frightened me, i've had to face up to the prospect that although he's 55, he probably won't live a long life, and this devastates me because i'm the eldest out of me and my sister and i've always been closest to my dad. I'm getting married in December 2008 and i hate the thought that he might not be here to give me away. I'm finding it very hard to focus on the positives of him recovering from his stroke almost immediately and the good signs he's had from tests etc.
Anyway i thought i'd write my feelings down as i know this has helped in the past!!! so hopefully it will work again......
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Post by sarajay28 on Jul 4, 2007 20:07:28 GMT
erm today has been a slightly better day after a bit of a shaky start! was in tears as soon as i got up this morning, for no reason in particular, except i kept thinking about my daughter saying to me yesterday after i'd had a go at her! "there's no need to shout mum, i was only asking a question" it made me feel horribly guilty that i had displaced my anger and frustration at her (bless she is only 8) she doesn't understand!! i think my sister and my aunt have noticed that i'm not myself again as they both popped in today for a cuppa (which isn't unusual but they seemed to be extra supportive today?!) I've also told robbie how i'm feeling and he's being very suportive as usual and kind which is nice. I do feel more positive today and have been wondering if my symptoms are linked to PMS/PMT as i've had sore breasts the last few days and also after talking to robbie about it he mentioned that about 4 weeks ago i seemed to be in this kind of mood so maybe it could be that? as i have a coil fitted i don't get periods so don't really know my menstrual cycle but i've decided to keep a log (on paper) of my moods and feelings and any other pyhsical symptoms i may get (sore boobs etc) this way i can go to the GP if there seems to be a link. I'm kinda hoping it is this as at least then there would be some reasoning behind my mood being so low.........watch this space...........
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Post by helenr on Jul 4, 2007 20:48:30 GMT
Hi hun,
sorry to hear about your dad but am so glad you seem to have a great support network around you. I too have a coil, but still suffer pmt. Although its not as bad as it used to be, in some ways its worse due to pni - does that make sense? Thinking of you x
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Post by sarajay28 on Jul 5, 2007 9:11:27 GMT
Hiya Helen, Thanks so much for your reply, its nice to know others are thinking about you too. Yeah that totally makes sense, before i had kids i never ever had any kind of PMS/PMT but after each child its gotten worse and worse and definately more so since PNI!!!! Maybe we are more aware of our suffering having gone through/going through PNI? I know i am, i seem to pick up on the slightest mood change/physical change. Weird eh? I do have a great support network around me (for which i'll be eternally grateful) i just need to learn to stop putting a 'brave face' on as i have been lately. I know in the situation with my dad, because i'm the eldest and have always been more involved in his care than my sister, the 'professionals' always talk to me first and it's me that has to make decisions if and when they arise but i'm ok with that, it just seems to be that i feel everyone else 'expects' me to be the strong one and be there for everyone else. Which again i feel i am ok being there for my family/friends etc, i just need a bit of support too sometimes and i'm the one that seems to get forgotten because i'm coping!! Does anyone else feel like this? Anyway feeling slightly better again today and am going out for lunch (last day of freedom before the schools finish today at 2.30pm!!) with my mum, aunt and sister and the 2 babies (nathan and my niece katie) so i'm looking forward to that. Have also just booked our train tickets to go to Blackpool on 4th August, the kids are gonna be sooo excited as they have never been on a train before! We are staying in a self catering flat for a week and we are all really looking forward to it, i love Blackpool (childhood memories.......) so that has perked me up a bit. Hopefully tomorrow will be better still?
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