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Post by cheshire on Aug 20, 2008 11:12:31 GMT
Sending you HUGE hugs Giz - hope today goes ok xxx
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Post by gizmoracer on Aug 20, 2008 11:56:34 GMT
Thanks you two. No WG its not my last one this week. I still have a docs appointment at 8.30 Friday morning. Got to take both kids with me should be fun. I really needed to see him about how I've been feeling recently as well, my docs pritty good he understands and listens too which helps compared to alot of others but not sure what I will get done with kids in tow. I could kick up a stink and ask hubby to get the in-laws over to sit the kids but not sure its worth the hasstle to be honest. They would probably end up winding me up even further. Will be glad when this week is over. Got an invite to the Hare Krishna temple for Sunday which should be quite good actually. Also had a letter back from my cousins fiancees mum to say that the kids are not invited to the reception. Lng story will write about it later. Its anoid both of us but has helped S and the kids get out of going and means I can leave early ;D
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Post by winegirl on Aug 20, 2008 13:23:18 GMT
How come you have been invited to the Hare Krishna temple?? Sounds fab!
WG x
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Post by gizmoracer on Aug 20, 2008 23:20:50 GMT
I've finally stopped shaking and would even go as far as saying not feeling sick anymore. These last 2 days have really taken it out of me. I made a right prat of myself at the dentists, went in sort of ok. S was first (my choice coz it was a new dentist so I wanted to sus her out first). Once they relised his appointment was going to over run one of the other dentists offered to see me instead, in the space of a few seconds, I went as white as a sheet, almost passed out and threw up at the same time and finished in a shaking finale of tears. She said it was fine and I could wait if thats what I wanted, now I feel bad coz she was trying to help and she is really nice as well. I didn't get much better but sat in there with S did help a bit coz I could see how relaxed he was with this new woman and he is just as bad as me at going. His appointment lasted nearly 2 hours in which time I had practically torn the back of my hand to shreds with my nails without even noticing. Anyway she was really good with me dispite me shaking the whole time. I told her one tooth not to touch which she didn't and I had 3 xrays done, that didn't really worry me. Then she said that my teeth were no where near as bad as I thought but that back one does need to come out one way or another (which I was told 2 years ago) also I need a wisdom tooth out that hasn't grown through yet so she is referring me to the hospital to have both done together under sedation. I was still really worked up about it for ages and have just noticed I'm gritting my teeth again now. I've managed to make matters worse between S and I again this week by having my usual weird mood swings back. I guess he probably thinks I'm just being a bitch for the sake of it. I know its really getting him down but I don't always know I'm doing it til he says and then I automatically go off on one so theres not much he can say or do right now. He has been really careful around me recently though. Like with the hosp. yesterday for instance. I wasn't worried about it and didn't expect him to come but he obviously wrked out how bad I am at the moment and must have known I needed him there. Then on the way home he was playing with fire, by saying stuff about me loosing weight but was being sensitive about it. So instead of me collapsing in floods of tears I was able to hold most of them back. Then today I bet he just wanted to slap me (I know I would have) bt he was really good. I just fel like I need a hug all the time but there is so much distance between us again. He has sorted out his parents to look after the kids Friday morning so I can go to docs alone. I'm hoping he will up my meds, really feel I need it. Think I'm anxious about the kids going back to school as well but also looking forward to it. I'll be ok in a few days. The thing on Sunday is because of my Dad. He has been getting invites to all their festivals for the past few years because he is a counsellor for the area. I was supposed to be going to Diwali last year but was too ill, so got a chance of going this weekend instead its for Janmashtami which is Krishnas birthday so a really big do like christmas and new year rolled into one. Should be really interesting, Dad always has fun at these things. I have to wear a skirt though, I've nicked one off of my mum, a really nice one but I need some of those old fashoned cycling shorts to go underneath, you know the ones that were all the rage when we were kids. coz my thighs rub together. Could be walking funny on Monday and for all the wrong reasons lol.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 21, 2008 7:42:22 GMT
Hi Hun
I am so sorry for the past few days you have had, but glad you feel a bit calmer today. I really hope the GP can help you with your meds hun to help you out of this blip.
I hope everything goes well in the morning and you can have a lovely weekend and enjoy the Hare Krishna - would be interested to hear all about it!!
You know we are always here for you and S Giz, and I know you guys will get through this xx
WG x
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Post by gizmoracer on Aug 22, 2008 6:23:05 GMT
I'm not really sure if I'm feeling better or worse at the moment. Physically I feel like crap. All stuffed up, swollen face and eyes, headache, sodding ringing in my ears and knackered. BUT I don't feel sick anymore, the chest pains have gone for now, my throut feels clear and I'm not suffering with anxiety or panic this morning. Think I really freaked the dentist out the other day. The long and short of it is my teeth are not as bad as I thought. I know there is 1 wisdom tooth that needs to come out desperatly and has done for about 2 years now. She also said my last wisdom tooth that hasn't come through yet needs to come out too. I kinda thought that myself anyway. I have 2 very small new cavities that could probably do with being filled. Plus side is she isn't concerned about the hole in my front tooth. So, she said she would ring me in the morning (ie yesterday) to confirm if I did need the fillings and to sort out about referring me to the hosp. to be sedated to have those 2 teeth out. When she phoned me the first time she said she had spoken with a seniour partner and they had decided it was best to refer me for a general anesthetic, I was so relieved to hear that, even though she did say it meant the hosp. might decide to take out all 4 wisdom teeth at the same time. I don't care so long as I'm out cold to be frank. However this does mean that I have to go it alone. There is no way S can be with me not even when they put me out. This scares me as I have never been put out before. I have only ever been in hosp. for a few things, basically constant visits to casulty as a child for generally karate related accidents and when I broke my wrist roller skating even then I wouldn't let them cut the plaster off me. I pulled it off myself (had been working on that one all week lol) Even when I had the kids I was pritty much in control. I felt safe in the birthing centre (other than the aussie midwife that terrified me). I had no pain relief which meant no needles or drips or stitches (power of persuassion). Anyway I have been scared of operations etc since I was a kid and used to work myself up about it alot but then always felt that by the time it happened to me I would be older and stronger to deal with it. This worked for blood tests (which I can just about cope with) and I suppose I will be fine when this comes along as well. Least it had better be if I'm very likely to be down for another op. soon as well for my sleep apnia. Anyway the dentist. She said the 2 fillings did really need to be done but 1 she couldn't do til after I had been for my teeth out. 1 she could do now (or soon as). I was at home feeling nice and safe and secure and was like ok thats fine. Then half hour later she rings me back saying she had to check a few things for the form but in the meantime she had changed her mind and said to get the hosp. over with first then she could tackle the fillings. Have to admit that made more sence. Then an hour or so later she rings me again and says she has been talking with the other seniour partners and has decided I need to make an appointment for a check up in 6 months by which time I should have been to the hosp. and she can re asses the fllings as they were not urgent so if I brush really well use floss and mouthwash with flouride I might get away without them being filled. Bet I have really rattled her, pity coz she's really nice, thay all are there thats why we travel so far. So anyway, I've been in a state to say the least feel like I've hit a really really bad blip. But thats the point it is just a blip and I know its just a blip and I know it won't last so that has helped me cope slightly. I know I made a mess of the back of my hand in the dentists but I wasn't aware I was doing that at the time and although the need to hurt myself has kept coming up, I haven't done it which I am feeling very proud of at the moment. Had a long talk with S last night, resulting in me bawling my eyes out as usual, hence how I feel this morning. My biggest and possibly even my only problem is I don't feel I have control of my mind. The thing with that is I don't know how to gain control especially after so long. Its all well and good people saying 'what do you want' and stuff like that but I don't know the answer. See its like the whole loosing weight thing. I know what result I want but I don't want to put the effort into it not deep down anyway or rather I do but I can't tell myself I want to. I want to be able to get up and say I'm gonna do this today and I'm gonna suceed but I don't know how. Anyone following this? or have I totally lost the plot now? I need to think more positive but it is exhausting because I don't really know how to do it because I have been thinking negative for so long now it has become part of me. I have stopped sleeping now too. We finally got to sleep soon after midnight, I think, then I was up at 3am to Joey. I only vaugly remember that one, I went to cuddle her but ended up falling asleep. S woke me at 5am so I could get back to bed (save me from waking up with a sore back etc) and so I could set the alarm for this morning. FIL is coming over to sit with the kids at 7.45am so I can go to docs alone. But I never did get back to sleep, just laid there unable to settle. I got up and came on here before 6am. The appointment today doesn't worry me, its just a normal thing really, I don't expect to get anything out of it other than another prescription same as before. Anyway I had better sort out some brekki and clothes.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 22, 2008 7:27:00 GMT
Hi Hun
I dont think you can take control until you get some rest. You are worn out, blipping out and have all this stuff going on... I think you need a bit of a break for a few days to recharge before you can get to taking control again.
Would there be any possibility of you having a couple of days away to yourself to recharge? To then come back with a vengance and a plan?
As for the hospital, honestly going out cold is cool. The best sleep you will ever have. I know its a bit scary on your own, but when my Hubby last went under I stayed with him right up until he had to go down to theatre and have the general and it really helped him...
WG x
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Post by gizmoracer on Aug 22, 2008 10:32:52 GMT
Morning WG. Thats good what you said about hubby, I wonder if I would get away with that one too? will have to ask. The getting away from the kids sounds good but its would be very tricky at the moment, S has lots going on too and I don't want to put any extra on him. He is doing his best to make sure I get as much time to myself as possible though which is helping.
The doc has doubled my dose which has made me feel a bit better. I know that would have the opposite effect on a lot of people but to me it shows he is understanding me properly and is determind to make sure I am completly free of this before he even conciders taking me off them. Not so long ago I was determind to get off them around now because of all the baby talk but to be fair its really something we are going to have to leave. At least for the foreseeable future anyway. I had a good talk with him about battling with my head like I said earlier and the anxiety and the weight issue. He basically said the tabs I'm on are mainly for depression but do have something in them for anxiety so by doubling my dose that should help and kick in within a few days. Obviously if the anxiety gets worse I can still go back for something else. He says that the depression is what is clouding my mind at the moment and as it lifts I will automatically start to see the more positive things and will gain more control over what I want so basically don't stress over positive thinking for a while as it will start to come naturally. Also he went through what I am doing with the loosing weight thing and said that basically I probably am still loosing weight by what I am doing al be it slowly but because the depression causes me to put on weight one is cancelling out the other at the moment. So I should carry on as I am and as I feel better the weight will start to come off again and I will naturally feel like doing more which will in turn help with the weight loss.
Just feeling groggy now and tired, got no motivation probably because I am tired. S is going up the shops when he gets in to do the bills. He has taken that stress off me now long term and says he will ask me occasionally when he thinks I'm ready for it and won't get in a mess. He might take the kids with him if its not raining. So that will give me a chance to chill. Think either way I will have a shower when he gets in and try to freshen up a bit. Gonna start on the coffee now I feel as though the main stresses of this week are pritty much over with.
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Post by gizmoracer on Aug 26, 2008 16:12:57 GMT
I haven't really had much time to update. Things have got better since Friday. I was still quite wound up on Saturday but no where near as bad as I have been. I was a bit worried about Sunday because I have never been to the temple before and was nervous at what to expect and what I would come home to if the kids had been plaing up but I was also really looking forward to it as well. It was pissing down all morning, I took Joey up to little tescos and came home tired and drenched and much later than I wanted to as well. Then ended up sending S straight back out again as I had forgotten something. Within a few minutes of him leaving Mum rang to say Dad was on his way. Panic stations I was still trying to reopen the holes in my ears (haven't worn earrings for ages). Anyway I managed to get ready just as he arrived and S was back in good time too, which helped coz he ended up doing Joeys nails. Dad and I dropped the kids off to the in-laws and off we went. Got there really quickly, hardly any traffic. Thankfully it had stopped raining before we left coz I was wearing sandles and a cream skirt. The grounds there are huge and they had 5 fields just for car parking As we went in they stamped our heads with that U shaped thing (not very knowledgable about all this right now). There was a cow sancuary because Krishna was a cow herder and more fields with all sorts of stalls in. They had a great big main tent with talks and dancing in and like a market place selling books and saris and beads etc. Another tent all about vegitarian cooking one on yoga and all sorts of other things. There was also a kids area with a bouncy castle, activities, henna etc. I said to Dad I wanted to go in the kids bit to get a mendhi pattern done, he just said don't worry about that we'll sort one out but got to book in at the VIP tent first. We went into the VIP tent and there was a shrine in there and some tables all done out like a wedding and along the side they were serving out fruit juice. We were given badges and shown to a table while they sorted out our guide. I noticed there was a woman having a henna tattoo done on her arm, then next thing I know the woman who had been serving us and the woman doing the henna were both fussing over me. I had my hand done without Dad even noticing, it only took her 2-3 mins and looked amazing all glittered up. I took this photo when I got home, so you don't get the full effect but the photographer there took so picture which he will be e-mailing over soon I hope. Anyway we were paired up with the other woman who had it done and her Oh who was another counseller and turned out to know my Nan. They took us over to the temple first for Darshan. There was a long walkway leading around the lake towards the temple which is an old manor house. All along the walkway was wooden arches wrapped in cable lights and flowers and plasic fruit and the occasional fluffy monkey then there was displays diplicting the stories of Krishnas life. Part way along was a small path leading over a hump bridge and into a wooden gazeebo in the lake, it was so peaceful. I culd have stayed there for ages. When we went back to the walkway the queue was really long and dence but because we were seen as VIPs we were lead through it. I didn't like that to be honest coz there was some really old frail people and yound children all waiting and I didn't see that we had more of a right than them. Some had traveled half way round the country to be there. Surprisingly no-one muttered or complained or even stood in our way. We had to take our shoes off to go inside and you could hear the chanting already. The first thing I noticed about the whole place was how calm and welcoming it is but as you walk into the main temple room the atmostphere totally engulfs you, its very emotional. The room is stunning, there is just no way to describe it and sat on the floor in the middle is anyone who wants to join in the chant. Its a very weird feeling of release as you walk through there and also very comforting too. When you come out you are offered this powder stuff that is supposed to cleanse the palette, it was ok but I found it hard to swallow because it was dry. We came out the back way and went round the kitchens. I remember Mum telling me about them cleaning the pots with a garden broom and hosepipe but never believed her til I saw it. They have these huge pots and woks because of the amount of people who they feed and there is a seperate area behind the kitchens where they clean them with what looks like a garden broom and hosepipe. Inside one of the kitchens was a man standing up besides a wok with a utensil that you use for woks but the size of a large spade. Then in the corner was a row of women preparing a fruit salad, they literally had buckets full of fruit. When we cam out there was a couple of people waiting for us with recording equipment. Turned out to be one of the major Indian TV channels. They did a brief interview with the other counseller in the George Harrison gardens and then Dad got ropped into it as well. He was taken completly unawear it was well funny. We went back to the tent and they sat us down for dinner. Next thing I know we were joined by 2 priests and some other really high up people. The food is all vegetarian anyway but because most people were fasting there was no cereals either, so no rice or semolina etc. We had what I think they said was tapioca with some sort of spice, looked like runny rice pudding but quite nice, had a spicy coconut flavour to it and potato salad really nice, those crispy type things with nuts and dried fruit and the fruit salad they were making earlier. Was all very nice. After that the guide was going to take us round the main are we had already walked through but Dad was keen to get away from the other bloke so we said we would have a wander around ourselves. When we left they gave us a bag with a silver box in which I have given to Jodie for her jewellery. I would have liked to stay until it was dark and gone back along to the temple again but by the time we left the queue was out of the enterance and into the carpark, they had also had reports that the traffic to get in was right back to the dome roundabout (past the M1) and was taking 1 and 1/2 hours just to get to the driveway. All in all I had a great day and will definatly be going back again. Its really friendly and welcoming there, I actually felt at home and could have spent alot longer there. I didn't even relize that it is open to the public at times. I wish I had known earlier when I had a car coz I would have spent alot of time there which could have helped me recover quicker. I have since found out they run open days and courses. Theer is a course on mantra meditation that I am interested in going to but it is £40 so it might have to wait a while. I have said to Mum that I want to ask to go round their pre-school to see what its like been as I have visited loads of different types of schools and I am interested in how they teach the meditation to the children. Hopefully Dad will get in touch with the bloke he knows there to see if its ok. Anyway I have just seen how much I have written. Well done anyone who has got right to the end.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 26, 2008 20:51:32 GMT
I made it to the end! I am enthralled! I even got googling the Krishna temple in my area! Though it doesnt sound anything like that one near you...
I am sooo jealous, What a beautiful, peaceful and welcoming thing to be a part of...
The henna was beautiful. My best mate has henna on religious occasions (she is hindu) but I have never seen anthing as beautiful as that!!
Bet you havent washed yet??
WG xx
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Post by gizmoracer on Aug 27, 2008 15:03:54 GMT
You bet right, ;D I'm even using rubber gloves to do the washing up now lol. Obviously its all just plain brown now but still looks really pritty. The temple near me is the main headquarters which is probably why its so big, it was donated to them by George Harrison. Have a look www.krishnatemple.com They rekon that over the last weekend they had over 50,000 visitor from all over the country. I really wish I had taken my camera with me, must remember next time.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 27, 2008 15:09:44 GMT
Im coming with you next time! LOL x
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Post by gizmoracer on Sept 26, 2008 13:57:45 GMT
Its been a while since I was last on here. I have decided to update this diary every so often because hubby checks it to see how I am. That made a big difference to me when I was ill earlier on in the year.
So since I last wrote the kids have gone back to school. Jay has a better teacher and is working hard and Joey is still in nursery til January so all seems fairly well settled there for now. My uncle died a few weeks ago, he had been ill with cancer for a very long time. I remember him being diagnosed when I was still having couselling. To be honest it hasn't really affected me much. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing? I have been upset for my Nan but thats about it really.
My new dose seems to be working well but I have noticed that if I forget 2 days worth of tabs together then I tend to go loopy very quickly, so far though that has only happened once and I am managing to keep on top of them now. I have also developed a fair bit of discharge from one breast. I have checked it on side effects and google etc and dispite it being green (sorry tmi) it doesn't seem to be a problem basically a side effect but I have a docs appointment soon to get it checked anyway.
Over all I am feeling much better and have found myself getting on with the normal everyday things without really thinking about it so much. I have stopped the quick head down shuffle to the shops to et what I need and back home before I'm seen thing now too which has made a big difference. I feel I can actually go out and get stuff or pay bills without feeling like everyone is staring at me, I even stop to chat with other mums from school as well. That is a huge improvement for me as I always felt very insecure and paranoid when I was outside of the flat even just in the garden. I have sussed out the buses and trains since we gave up the car to the extent that I no longer feel deprived at not driving although it does still get to me at times its mainly just the convenience. The fact that I'm not needing to worry about the extra bills for the car has taken a big worry away from me. I am getting fitter and can now get to the school in just under 10 mins comfortably where as before it would take me over 15mins and I would have dead legs and be all puffed out. Admittedly I haven't lost much weight but its kind of under control in that I have lost enough for my clothes to be loose and don't have to think too much about what I am eating with the worry of putting loads back on. I really must get back to the loosing a bit again though. My patience is holding much better now as well and this has made a difference in the way the kids are ad hopfully how S feels too. He is going though alot of stuff right now with work and all sorts of other things so I want to keep myself well enough to take the extra pressure away from him.
The last few nights I havn't slept all that well, I think Jay is due an asthma attack as he has been wheezing alot recently. Needless to say I'm feeling a bit yuck today. Sort of muzzy headed and blurry eyed. Really can't be bothered to do much. Generally though I am feeling loads better and when I get the decent sleep it is helping me alot in the morning and in turn keeps the day going well for most of us. Its handy where S is having to go to bed early now but it does mean we are not getting much time together. Anyway got to go and get Jay, no homework tonight YAY.
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Post by gizmoracer on Sept 30, 2008 14:01:52 GMT
Having another can't get motivated day. Not sure if its the sudden change in weather (back to being miserable) or if I've just over done it the last few days. I've been managing the normal everyday stuff quite well dispite still forgetting half the stuff I was going to do. I had a weird night, the early nights have been helping me and I dropped off ok but was up again a couple of hours later at a loose end. When I tried to get back to bed I couldn't settle, S was snoring and I just couldn't get comfy. I must have dropped off at some point then S got up about 3 at the same time Jay came running in complaining of a bad dream and woke Joey up It took a while to get them settled and I ended up in with Jay. Got up ok but couldn't be bothered. By the time the kids had got ready I had one of those annoying headaches, I haven't got rid of it yet. Have managed the shops twice and a a general tidy up plus the washing up but really can't see me getting anything else done. Might just slob the rest of the day and try to get on with it tomorrow instead.
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Post by cheshire on Oct 1, 2008 12:08:36 GMT
Did you manage to chill out yesterday? That's what I'm on today - been really tired llast few days.
Hope you're ok xxxxx
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