Post by gizmoracer on Nov 1, 2008 22:27:43 GMT
I've just been reminded that I haven't been on here for a month now so thought I had better update.
Not too sure where to start. The last time I posted I was feeling quite low and generally couldn't be bothered. I didn't really come out of it as such but I have gradually go used to it again really. Major changes still tend to affect me but certainly not as bad as they used to. The winter weather is getting me down in the normal way it does most people and I have been extremely tired recently, I think the two are related. Last month (oct) I went to another coarse, this one was called my time to shine. It was spread over 3 weeks all to gain more confidence. The first week was team building etc, I was really nervous even though I knew a few people there already but the tutor was brilliant and by the end of the day I was feeling quite at home there. The second week was all about ourselves and most of the women there didn't really enjoy it. we did one of those visulization things. I did one once before which was ok so this time I knew what to expect and really got into it quite deeply, it brought alot of emotions back up to the top and the tutor pulled me aside afterwards to check I was ok as she could see it had effected me in some way. We then had to draw something to symbolize what we had seen which was about being praised and being made to feel good. We also did a coat of arms 'this is me' sort of thing which we had to present to the whole class. I totally enjoyed that session and got alot out of it even though I found it very heavy going. The last week was about life skills, that was pritty good too and we looked over what we had done and how everyone had changed. All in all it was a brilliant coarse. Then we had half term which consisted of my sons birthday party which I was worried about as I don't tend to cope too well with these things but it was fine, I even dressed up in a mortisha dress for it as the theme was halloween. Consisdering how I struggled with my daughters party only 6 months earlier I think I did really well. It was his birthday a couple of days later and even with both sets of parents visiting and my stepson it stayed quite calm. Amongst all of this I went through 2 weeks of being convinced I was pregnant to the point where I ballooned to looking about 6 months gone, several negative tests and eventually a very late and much needed period. There was mixed feelings about that one. Initially I was wishing I was pregnant and although it wouldn't have been planned S was very supportive about the idea. But at the same time we had heard from his son who hasn't been in touch for 3 years. we had been told some disturbing things about him recently which we choose not to follow up as the source wasn't too reliable and it seems that paid off. To cut a long story short, we all met up and his ex seems to be quite happy to keep things civil thankfully. So my stepson has been down alot recently being half term etc. Its been strange but ok to begin with. He hasn't chnaged too much and I still feel I need to get him to open up a bit and learn to focus more but we will get there. The family were worried about how I would cope but everythings is ok right now. Jay has also been back in hospital overnight with his asthma again and we coped well with that one too even though the docs gave us the run around.
To be honest I feel as though the last 4 weeks have just gone so quickly. There was so much we both wanted to get done and only a few bits have been done. S was off work this week and that has flowen by too, we have however got most of xmas sorted out, cleared some of the worst areas in the living room and pritty much stayed on top of things consisdering we have had 5 of us kicking about most of the week.
Tomorrow I am going back to the Hare Krishna temple for Diwali, I'm really looking forward to it. Not sure OH understands fully. Especially when I clam up over things like Christmas. Its hard to explain but Christmas has in the past been very stressful, I have vivid memories of being depressed over the xmas period as a teenager along with S having meningitis 2 years ago and me loosing the plot last year and trying to finish it. I think this year will be god for us though. He is doing a really good job of keeping his parents off my back over things and I don't expect the pressure from my side of the family although they will no doubt try to get us down for boxing day as usual. I would like to go and do the traditional visiting thing over boxing day but its not fair on S when he only gets 2 days off work. I'm sure we can sort something out. I think this year we will be doing the decorations together which will be nice just the 2 of us. The other thing with me going to the temple is that I feel at home there, like I have finally found an asnwer to something, weird I know but its how I feel. When I went for the first time back in August I came out of there a different person and have been genuinly interested in it all ever since. I have started meditating, everyday when I am able to and that has made a big difference to me. I still haven't got the hang of it properlly but I am getting better at it. I listen to a particular version of the mantra sometimes when I meditate because it takes me back to the feelings I had when I was inside the temple, its very emotional but also cleansing in a way. I must sound like I've lost it. but seriously I feel a need to go back there again and embrace the atmostphere. I think it has gone a fair way to aiding my recovery and I truely feel as though I am going to make it now. Anyway my eyes are hurting from squinting and my bath is getting cold so I am going to leave it there for now.
The kids are back at school next wek and S is back at work. I want to be able to get back into a sort of routine without my head yelling 'yey peace and quite chill' lol If I can get myself sorted this week back into meditating every morning and excersising and doing normal jobs then I know that by the end of the week I should be making some head way with the extra things that need doing.
Not too sure where to start. The last time I posted I was feeling quite low and generally couldn't be bothered. I didn't really come out of it as such but I have gradually go used to it again really. Major changes still tend to affect me but certainly not as bad as they used to. The winter weather is getting me down in the normal way it does most people and I have been extremely tired recently, I think the two are related. Last month (oct) I went to another coarse, this one was called my time to shine. It was spread over 3 weeks all to gain more confidence. The first week was team building etc, I was really nervous even though I knew a few people there already but the tutor was brilliant and by the end of the day I was feeling quite at home there. The second week was all about ourselves and most of the women there didn't really enjoy it. we did one of those visulization things. I did one once before which was ok so this time I knew what to expect and really got into it quite deeply, it brought alot of emotions back up to the top and the tutor pulled me aside afterwards to check I was ok as she could see it had effected me in some way. We then had to draw something to symbolize what we had seen which was about being praised and being made to feel good. We also did a coat of arms 'this is me' sort of thing which we had to present to the whole class. I totally enjoyed that session and got alot out of it even though I found it very heavy going. The last week was about life skills, that was pritty good too and we looked over what we had done and how everyone had changed. All in all it was a brilliant coarse. Then we had half term which consisted of my sons birthday party which I was worried about as I don't tend to cope too well with these things but it was fine, I even dressed up in a mortisha dress for it as the theme was halloween. Consisdering how I struggled with my daughters party only 6 months earlier I think I did really well. It was his birthday a couple of days later and even with both sets of parents visiting and my stepson it stayed quite calm. Amongst all of this I went through 2 weeks of being convinced I was pregnant to the point where I ballooned to looking about 6 months gone, several negative tests and eventually a very late and much needed period. There was mixed feelings about that one. Initially I was wishing I was pregnant and although it wouldn't have been planned S was very supportive about the idea. But at the same time we had heard from his son who hasn't been in touch for 3 years. we had been told some disturbing things about him recently which we choose not to follow up as the source wasn't too reliable and it seems that paid off. To cut a long story short, we all met up and his ex seems to be quite happy to keep things civil thankfully. So my stepson has been down alot recently being half term etc. Its been strange but ok to begin with. He hasn't chnaged too much and I still feel I need to get him to open up a bit and learn to focus more but we will get there. The family were worried about how I would cope but everythings is ok right now. Jay has also been back in hospital overnight with his asthma again and we coped well with that one too even though the docs gave us the run around.
To be honest I feel as though the last 4 weeks have just gone so quickly. There was so much we both wanted to get done and only a few bits have been done. S was off work this week and that has flowen by too, we have however got most of xmas sorted out, cleared some of the worst areas in the living room and pritty much stayed on top of things consisdering we have had 5 of us kicking about most of the week.
Tomorrow I am going back to the Hare Krishna temple for Diwali, I'm really looking forward to it. Not sure OH understands fully. Especially when I clam up over things like Christmas. Its hard to explain but Christmas has in the past been very stressful, I have vivid memories of being depressed over the xmas period as a teenager along with S having meningitis 2 years ago and me loosing the plot last year and trying to finish it. I think this year will be god for us though. He is doing a really good job of keeping his parents off my back over things and I don't expect the pressure from my side of the family although they will no doubt try to get us down for boxing day as usual. I would like to go and do the traditional visiting thing over boxing day but its not fair on S when he only gets 2 days off work. I'm sure we can sort something out. I think this year we will be doing the decorations together which will be nice just the 2 of us. The other thing with me going to the temple is that I feel at home there, like I have finally found an asnwer to something, weird I know but its how I feel. When I went for the first time back in August I came out of there a different person and have been genuinly interested in it all ever since. I have started meditating, everyday when I am able to and that has made a big difference to me. I still haven't got the hang of it properlly but I am getting better at it. I listen to a particular version of the mantra sometimes when I meditate because it takes me back to the feelings I had when I was inside the temple, its very emotional but also cleansing in a way. I must sound like I've lost it. but seriously I feel a need to go back there again and embrace the atmostphere. I think it has gone a fair way to aiding my recovery and I truely feel as though I am going to make it now. Anyway my eyes are hurting from squinting and my bath is getting cold so I am going to leave it there for now.
The kids are back at school next wek and S is back at work. I want to be able to get back into a sort of routine without my head yelling 'yey peace and quite chill' lol If I can get myself sorted this week back into meditating every morning and excersising and doing normal jobs then I know that by the end of the week I should be making some head way with the extra things that need doing.