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Post by TAC on Jan 30, 2004 19:56:14 GMT
Hi Alison, I know how you feel I miss my old life and I feel guilty about it. I sometimes i think everything would alright without my son! Now there's a guilt trip I can't face! My son is my world but it's a new world not one I know yet. I am trying to learn to grieve for my old world and enjoy my new world. When my doctor told me I would be off for a least a year, I kept thinking that a least I will have the first year with my son. I would have missed so much if I had gone back to work. what I did not realize was I would feel that I was missing out on my job everything I had worked at for 20 years. PND has robbed me of a lot of things but it has given me the chance to look at myself in a different light. It has given me a second chance on life with different values and goals. 12 months after the birth of my soon it not easy some days are nearly impossible but I still here still fight on. I try and problem solve I also go to a group which gives me more support that they will ever know. It's hard to talk up but I do it and one day it's not going to be so hard. BY the way well done on the weight. I comfort eat for a living!!!!!!!!!!! Take care TAC
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Post by AC on Jan 31, 2004 9:58:20 GMT
Thanks.
Its still very comforting to read others advice,and to read new postings,even though they are all so similar. It was a strange day yesterday.I had a bad morning.
My partner had a hospital appointment at 4pm,my mum and dad looked after our son,and i went with him to the hospital.As we got nearer to the hospital i could feel my heart pounding,i felt really strange,we parked the car and walked inside the main doors,i was almost trembling.i was walking,but felt like i was running.We got to where we needed to be and luckily he was seen almost straight away.I was in the waiting room sitting in this chair and all i was thinking about was the birth,it happens everytime i go near that hospital.It isnt unusual,i get the same feelings and anxietys everytime i am near the hospital.I can feel my breathing becoming faster even just writing this down.I got up from the chair and wandered over to the window,and the building straight opposite us was the Maternity wing.By now,i was sweating and i was reliving the whole nightmare again.I was in my own little world staring out of the window.
My partner returned and we left.I told him that i was really panicking being in the hospital,i dont know what he thought,he didnt say much.I sometimes think that he thinks i am making it all up.
As soon as we got in the car and left the hospital areas i calmed down.
I have my PND group on Monday and its the last session,I am dreading it,although i never want to go to the group,i am really worried about it finishing,my CPN is planning something else,but not for about a month as she needs time to plan.
Help !.............
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Post by TAC on Jan 31, 2004 11:19:42 GMT
Don't worry about your group finishing for a while, you will still have the friends you made there. Why don't you arrange to meet some of the other mums outside the group? I bet they are feeing just like you. You all in the same position and a month is long time. Don't forget you have always got this site and we all understand. I really felt for you about the hospital, I had same problems going back. I hate the flash backs. Thay are not so bad now but they were really bad. I have been back to the hospital and walked around each department I was in. I walked from ITU back to delivery. It was really hard but once I had done it I felt a weight lifted of my shoulders. I don't I will ever like hospitals but at least now I can cope with them. When I have too! Good luck monday. Take care. TAC
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Post by AC on Jan 31, 2004 16:04:46 GMT
I know that i can meet up with the others from the group.I just dont feel up to it though. My CPN had suggested doing that a while ago,however i havent and would find it hard.I feel that when we go to our group,we have an 'agenda' and stick to talking about the subject quite openly, and i just feel that if we were to meet up as a group without a 'leader' it would just end up being a social get together,and i really dont want that.I have my own friends to do that with if i wanted to. With my friends at the group,we all have a connection and that is that we all have PND. I think we all feel happy and confident around certain people and i really feel confident when i'm around and talk to my CPN,and i really want her to be at our meetings. I seem to have lost a lot of trust in some of my old friends,not because they have hurt me,but for some reason i always hold back what i want to say and most of them do not know how i feel or that i even have PND.I think that they will think i am a crap mum,or wont believe that i have this depression as i look alright to them. As for this site,i will continue to use it as much as possible,when i feel down or need to get something off my chest,i quickly turn to this site and to you lot ! Everyone has really helped me big time. xx
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Post by AC on Feb 2, 2004 9:25:48 GMT
Ive woke up sad. I thought i would have a quick look on this site,read a new posting by Anne.And gave a reply and now i feel even worse. In my previous postings,i have never mentioned that i get no support from my partner.When the baby was tiny,i was the one who done everything,the biggest killer for me was the night feeds.My partner never done any.He always said that he cant do it because he has to go to work in the morning.And yet he never helped at weekends either,the excuse then was that it was his only lie in ! I am convinced that the lack of support from him had a huge impact on me having PND.I hated him at times,i was physically and mentally exhausted and he wasnt there for me. Im getting in a right state now,the tears are rolling...Please offer some help on this.
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Anne
Full member
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Post by Anne on Feb 2, 2004 10:32:45 GMT
I definitely agree with you that the lack of support in the first few months from our partners plays a huge part in PND. My husband gave the same excuses as yours - he couldn't help because i was breastfeeding!? He had to get up for work in the mornings and he was tired - oh poor him!
I feel the same as you I still hate him at times because i feel he let me down when I really needed him. The surprise was that I beiieved he would be there for me - that made it so much worse.
Lack of sleep is unbelievable to cope with. If he did wake in the night when i was feeding, he just used to roll over and go back to sleep or, even worse pretend he was asleep. H seems to be able to drop of at the drop of a hat whereas it takes me ages and by then the baby is awake looking for more.
Is anyone else struggling to write because they can't get peace from a toddler who wants to hit the keyboard or is screaming because you are not speaking to her? Why do they need so much and I just don't have it to give?
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Post by AC on Feb 2, 2004 11:33:14 GMT
I tried my best to cheer up,however it hasnt really worked. I have just been for a long walk with the dog,hopeing it would clear my mind of these horrible thoughts i am having today. I really did feel like i was the only one with an unsupportive partner.And because i thought that,i never wanted to speak about it. But now,my mind is just racing.I dont think my partner ever realised just how close i came to ending my life on many occasions,and i dont want to sound heartless,but on those occasions that i had these thoughts and feelings,it was him that drove me to them. He wasnt there for me and still isnt sometimes now.At the beggining i used to feel guilty asking him to feed the baby or even to just watch him while i went to the toilet ! And the reason i used to feel guilty was because he would pull this face and look at the clock as if to say 'how long is this gonna take or how long are you gonna be', If i had of been stronger i would of left him,even after 11 years together,he let me down. I was too weak both physically and mentally to do anything about it.And i still am. I find it much easier just to do things myself than face an argument if i ask him to do anything. I am going to my group at 1pm today,I am feeling like crap.Its when i have days like this,that i cant be bothered to do anything,let alone go to a group,But i will go,maybe it will cheer me up.Im feeling tearful and very anxious.I just hope i dont end up in tears again.My heart is beating so fast and ive got butterflies in my stomach.
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Anne
Full member
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Post by Anne on Feb 2, 2004 12:10:24 GMT
ac
Well you definitely are not alone. I have come so close to ending it all. And even closer to walking out the door on both my husband and child. Every day I dream of life before and how stupid i was to think a child could make it better
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Post by AC on Feb 2, 2004 16:18:54 GMT
Im back from my PND group. Quite sad that it was the last session,however we are all planning to meet again next week.same time, same place,but without the CPN there to 'hold' the session. Today was comletely different,i really enjoyed the session and left feeling very positive and i still am. I now know that some of the people who attend my group are also using this site aswell,and have replied to me and offered their advice without me realising who they were.(You know who you are, and i will always be thankful to you ) I didnt really believe we were all friends until today, i think i am beginning to have more trust in my 'New' friends,than what i have in my old friends,if that makes any sense. It will still be hard when it comes to Sunday night,Monday Morning when it comes to getting ready to go to the group.I know i wont want to go,but hopefully i will be strong enough to get in the car and drive there. I know that the group has helped me so much.Even if i can say that i have left my son in the creche.That was the hardest thing i have done.This was triggered from the birth (I think).I was in so much pain,that for the first 2 nights when i was in hospital.I left him in the nursery.I could hear him crying down the hallway and i couldnt move to go and comfort him.I will never forgive myself for that.I wasnt there when he needed me the most.I beat myself up over that.....And i feel sure that is why i find it hard leaving him now. However...I can leave him now,he loves playing with the other children,And my CPN said today that the children are really bonding well. Its quite ironic how my son actually walked into the creche today without a tear in sight (As if he knew it was the last session),he was almost looking forward to it i think.That is the first time he hasnt cried,which made me feel great.
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Post by Tina on Feb 2, 2004 18:40:45 GMT
We are your friends and we will make it to the group next week together. Take care Tina
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Post by AC on Feb 2, 2004 21:01:52 GMT
Thanks Tina.
I feel really strange !! Cant describe how i feel but i will try....
I got home from the group today feeling really positive,My son went to sleep,so i had a look on this site and posted a message,at the time i was feeling really good ,then as the evening has progressed i can feel myself becoming more and more depressed,to the point that i am nearly crying.
My partner got in from work,and i was just standing in the dining room staring into space almost.He asked me what was wrong and i told him that i feel really odd tonight....(Please dont think im a complete freak !)
I have these mixed emotions running through me,i feel totally messed up tonight,as if i am on another planet.Im just wandering around the house in a total daze.
The only thing i can put it down to is the fact that my PND group has finished and i am feeling totally lost.I think i relied on the group sessions more than i thought i did.I know we are all going to meet up on 'our own' next week,but it isnt the same as having my CPN there. I actually feel physically sick and want to burst into tears.
I have tried really hard to not think about it,and to concentrate on other things,but my mind just goes back to the group,and how much im going to miss it..( I must sound so ridiculous)
I wonder if i am the only one out of our group feeling like this or whether im the only one able to bring myself to write it down.I know my CPN said today that she cant be there to hold our hand forever.Only i wish she was,i really appreciate everything she has done for me and our group,and i really wish that it could carry on,as i dont feel ready for the current group to finish
Im sounding as if im never going to see anyone again,im actually seeing my CPN tomorrow,but its knowing that the group has finished that is bothering me so much.
Im crying now,in a right state,i feel pathetic and really not sure if i should post this,as i dont want to come across as being a total idiot.
Im glad ive got this site,as right now talking to anyone would be hard.
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Post by Elaine on Feb 2, 2004 21:46:43 GMT
Hi Alison
You are not an idiot - far from it. You are simply feeling upset at the loss of your PND group. It obviously meant a great deal to you and was a great comfort. You need security and support when you are suffering PND and to lose something that meant so much to you must be hard. That's the nasty thing about PND you can be feeling quite good but it only takes one little upset to knock you back down again. You are very fragile at the moment.
Of course you will miss your CPN but you still have those friends you met at the group and will see them next week.
You are a lot stronger than you think you know. I was reading your past postings and each time you have had to overcome a hurdle, i.e attend PND group, you have done it every time. It is so easy to just lock yourself away and not bother when you have PND, but each time you have made the effort, gone out and enjoyed yourself. Even taking your dog out for a walk is positive.
Let the tears flow Alison, if you want to, it doesn't hurt to cry. Meet your friends next week, perhaps arrange a day out for lunch and shopping with the babies. You need lots of company and things to look forward to. The busier you are the least chance you have to dwell on things.
I'm off to watch I'm a Celebrity - have a giggle at Peter Andre - what is he like!!!
Take care
Elaine
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Post by AC on Feb 2, 2004 22:19:16 GMT
Thankyou once again Elaine. The tears did flow..i feel rotten tonight.Im going to bed now,i just hope i can sleep.I feel totally exhausted.
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Post by Mandy on Feb 2, 2004 23:03:51 GMT
Hi Alison
I was so nervous about telling you how i'd been on the site and read your postings - i really didn't want you to think i was invading your personal space. I've been wanting to reply to you because what you've said in previous postings has really made me think.
Firstly, i really hope that the pnd group continues to be as helpful as it has been - it would be a shame if it were to become just an hour and half of "chit chat" - we really need to make sure we have an agenda and stick to it - i'm sure it will be fine - we need to make sure it is!
Secondly, work. I know we have this in common and i just want to let you know that i felt exactly the same as you. Before my baby, my job was everything to me. I was only a personal assistant but i loved it. I loved the responsibility, i loved the feeling of having achieved something every day, i loved being part of a team, i loved the independence, i loved having a reason to get out of bed, i loved my holidays because i felt i deserved them and i made the most of them - now there are no such things as holidays. I loved that friday feeling - planning my weekends (usually shopping, going out, lying in bed and watching tv!) but now even though I work on a Friday i know that there will be none of those feelings anymore. What you said in a previous posting about taking your dog out for a walk on a sunny day and thinking about work - god i do that all the time. Thinking about when my breaks would have been, when i would have booked my holidays, what jobs need to be done and in what order. The hardest thing to accept was that there was someone else doing the job i loved and had done for 6 years. How dare they! I still feel like that sometimes but working only two days a week is more than enough for me at the moment. I've moved branches and that has definitely helped. I find that i make the most of the other days i have off with my baby. I've been back part time now for almost a year and it feels nothing like it did before. I doubt it ever will cos i'm not the same person. Basically, what i'm trying to say in a VERY long winded way is that i really feel for you because i know exactly where you're coming from. I wish i could say something really inspirational that would make it all better but i can't.
I told myself that at the end of day it was only a job but when its been an important part of your life for so long and when you've had nothing else to thing about its not so easy just to forget it.
I hope i make some sort of sense!! I'm looking forward to going to the pnd group on Monday because i think i've really connected with most, if not all, of the people there. I feel part of a team again and i hope we can all continue to help each other.
I know you feel anxious about coming to the group and I can completely understand that - i used to feel physically sick about taking my baby to baby groups but i'm happy to say its not quite so bad now!! Just tell yourseld how positive you feel after the group and how you feel so much better for having attended it. There will be sometimes when you just can't come but please don't deny yourself the support, advice and friendship that the group can give you. Sorry if i sound like a bossy mum!!!!
Hope you have a good week and please please please get in touch if you want to.
Thinking of you mate.
Take care Sweetie
Mandy XXXXXXX
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Post by AC on Feb 3, 2004 12:49:15 GMT
Hi Mandy, you have just had me in tears!!
Not because you upset me,but because that was such a nice message,and really made me think.
Its nice to know that you understand about the work thing,and i guess in a funny sort of way,i am envious of you still being able to work.I cant even face part time work.
When we first had our group session,from day 1 i realised that we had quite a lot in common,with our feelings about work etc...everything you said about your work and your feelings were exactly how i thought i would feel.It was strange it was almost telepathic.
I have seen Jenny this morning,i would really like to go to the Mother and baby group tomorrow,but there is always somrthing holding me back,i feel really nervous about going,i suppose its because i have never been before,and its the unknown.not knowing what to expect.Stupid i know.
I said to Jenny today that i have lost all my confidence and i dont seem to have anything interesting to say.so its best if i dont say anything...., however it turns into a vicious circle,as the more withdrawn i become,the worse i feel and i become really alone.
Once again Thankyou for the lovely supportive reply.
xx
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