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Post by AC on Feb 18, 2004 11:47:27 GMT
I have been back on my medication for about 1 month after a period of 2 months not taking them.
I really frightened myself earlier,i had very very strong thoughts of doing something,and i havent felt that way for some time.
I have just been out for a walk with the dog and my son,i also saw one of the girls from the group,and i managed to pull myself together to be able to talk.
I feel very vulnerable and scared of my thoughts.
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Post by Dana on Feb 18, 2004 14:33:02 GMT
Dear Alison, You poor thing! Unfortunately, theses nasty relapses are a part of this horrible illness. PLease don't blame yourself - recovering from it doesn't take the shape of an ascending line, it's more of a circular thing...I'm sure you've been through this - but are you sure the medication is the right one for you? Also - is there someone you can call when you feel rough and panicky? Sometimes just to beable to talk to someone can bring you our of yourself and stop the cycle. When I was very ill I sought the help of an organisation called MAMA. They assigned a 'buddy' for me and when the going got really rough I'd ring her and talk to her. It wouldn't be a magical cure, but it seemed to stop the panick, anyway. I really feel for you because I know the feeling of 'losing your old self' so well, and I used to feel humiliated. I still avoid some of the people I used to work with because I can't bear for them to see the changes in me. Also -please don't feel that you have to go to mother and baby groups, sometimes that can be very hard work! I hope you feel better I'll br thinking of you. Love, Dana
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Post by AC on Feb 18, 2004 14:52:51 GMT
I attend a PND Group every week,and have made friends with some fantastic people,who i feel really close to.However today i couldnt even face them. I was ready to go to the mum and baby group today,my son seems to really enjoy it,and i would have met up with my PND friends there. Just breathing is a struggle today,i dont want to wallow in my own self pity,but i feel lousy.Im not interested in doing anything today,and facing people is the last thing that i want. I know the illness is to blame for this,and it is such a horrible illness.I dont look ill,nothing can be seen physically.but mentaly i feel a complete mess. If i could turn back the clock,i wish i could have done something different that may have stopped me getting this.Maybe i should have taken more support at the beginning when i was offered it,instead of trying to cope and struggle through on my own in those first few weeks.Perhaps i am partly to blame,i burnt myself out at the beggining and now i cant fight this PND. I know i am not talking rationally,and the fact that i feel rotten today,is making me write stupid things,But i cant help but blame myself for all this.There is no-one else i can blame,im the only one who can change how i feel,but im not strong enough to make the changes.
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Post by claire B on Feb 18, 2004 15:17:06 GMT
AC,
there is no "blame" to be attached to anything, it isn't your fault and there is nothing you could have done, or didn't do, that would have prevented this. you haven't been sigled out for this becasue you are too weak, or not a good mother, it's none of that.
it's an illness - plain and simple, but it makes us anxious, have terrifying thoughts and sometimes makes us feel so worthless and disgusting - but it's the illness, and please focus on that.
you say you didn't take the medication for a couple of months before re-starting last month - did you suddenly stop or gradually come off them? if you stop suddenly, it can casue you to relapse, even though you have actually started them again. As quickly as you have spiralled down this time, you might find (as i did) than you can just as quickly climb out.
i found that i would be feeling okay, but then something would happen and i would feel hopeless, distraught, anxious, couldn't step outside my front door and as soon as my husband came home i would be hysterical. you know what did it for me once? the car was serviced and it came back needing a bit of work - i couldn't cope with the thought of it and i remember crying at 5 in the morning, hopelessly sobbing and feeling like i wanted to disappear - all because of the car. and i don't look back at that and think "god, wasn't i pathetic?" (that's what i felt at the time, and ashamed) - i see just how ill i was, and it wasn't my fault, just as it isn't yours. At times like that, the slightest stress, which when you're well you just deal with without thinking, can send you into a spin. i know what you mean about just breathing is painful - i remember saying "just existing hurts"
Stick with your medication - take it day by day, be gentle with yourself today, you are poorly - don't look to tomorrow or next week - sometimes when you are bad you feel like you are going to be like that forever - you won't. if when you wake up tomorrow you feel a little stronger, then this is good. if you don't, get back on this website! i always felt sllightly better at these tmes if i managed to get out of the house, even if only for 10 minutes. Please let us know howyou are doing,
Claire
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Post by Tina on Feb 18, 2004 19:21:47 GMT
Hi Alison, I know where you are and it's not nice. Monday I was so high I should have realised I would crash and yesterday I did. Todays OK but still not good. I hated baby group I flet awkard all the time. I did not say anything to anyone just tried to be 'good old Tina' laugh a minute. Someone said something that normally I would laugh at but today I took it to heart. I know it PND but that does not stop it. J kept crying and then during the singing he went off and I felt like s**t. You are not alone. I am sorry you had to go through what you have today but now your husband has seen what you get like maybe he will help you more. Like everyone keeps saying our feeling are not are fault they are an illness, a very cruel illness. Take care and be comforted in knowing you have friends. I have to go and cook some dinner Funny I don't really want anything! Tina
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Post by AC on Feb 18, 2004 19:26:39 GMT
Dear Claire, I came off the medication suddenly,i kept forgetting to take them,and then after about a week i stopped taking them completely,i really felt that i didnt need them.I realised that i was getting low again when i got really upset at my PND group.
I am back on the same medication called Sertraline except this time i am on a lower dose for 1 month and then i need to go back to my Gp,to see about increasing the dose.
I have had a horrible day and we be glad when the morning comes,so i can begin a fresh day.
Im dissapointed with myself for not going to the Mum and baby group,maybe i would have felt better to have seen my friends,but at the time i didnt look at it like that.
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Post by AC on Feb 18, 2004 19:38:52 GMT
Dear Tina.
Im sorry that i couldnt face anyone today.And i know that i have let myself down.
Everyone in the group are fantastic and have become such good and close friends,but i respect you the most.You have been through so much pain and agony and yet you are always there for other people and i admire you for that.
I can really listen to what you say at our group as you seem to have a way with words,and its nice for me to be able to talk in confidence,and know that i am not being judged.
Compared to the others my situation is fairly simple,i have no family issues, past trauma, no other illnesses and yet here i am today feeling incredibly low.I almost feel as if i should be on top of the world ! There is others in a far worse situation than me,and i feel guilty for feeling this way.
The day hasnt got better infact it has got worse.Nothing has triggered it off,im just on a total downer !!
Shame that it is '' Weighing in '' tomorrow night,The biggest bar of cadburys fruit and nut would have gone down nicely tonight !!
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Post by Wendy on Feb 18, 2004 19:49:32 GMT
Dear Alison and other ladies who may be interested,
I agree with the other ladies. KEEP TAKING THOSE MEDS. I tried to wean myself off my Aropax (without my doctors permission OOPS !! but did it too soon. I crashed down emotionally right away. My doctor said that I need to keep on them for at least six months after I initially feel better. So I'm dutifully taking my 1/2 tablet each day (my maintenance dose) and have noticed that my moods and emotional state are heaps better. I'm much nicer to live with and a much better Mum as a result.
I fully appreciate the process you are going through with regards to going back to work, Alison. I battled big time with this one. My feelings were all over the place ranging from "I want to return to work full time immediately" right through to "there's no way we're putting our baby in daycare"!! Once my PND settled and I could think straight again, I happened across a legitimate home based business opportunity on the net. I've been working it now for two months and am finding it absolutely wonderful. I get to be at home with our baby while also working using the phone and the computer when he's sleeping. I don't even have to leave the house if I don't want to. My husband looks after our baby in the evenings/weekends off and on when I need to make business phone calls etc.
There are not many choices for stay at home Mums to work part time here in New Zealand. This business is also operating successfully in England It's an 18 year old reputable consumer Direct Marketing Wellness Company.
I would get great pleasure from being able to help more Mums stay at home with their precious babies while also earning money from their own easy to set up home based business. I started this when my moods were still a bit volatile so if I can do it, I know that you can too. It's also giving me a much needed boost to my self esteem as I start to see the results of my efforts. I'm just waiting for my first cheque to come in the post. YIPPEE!!!
Please feel free to e-mail me for some no pressure/no commitment further information.
davewend@slingshot.co.nz
Kind regards Wendy
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Post by tina on Feb 18, 2004 21:36:10 GMT
Hi Alison You have not let your self down you have had a bad day, but one major thing - you had the guts to admit you were having a bad day. Thats really hard and you deserve to give your self a pat on the back. I admire your will power I hit one packet biscuits (J had two, hubby one) and then a mega pig out in the tin of roses! No wonder I did not want my dinner! Thank you what you said that makes me feel better. I have only known you a short time but I can see such a difference you have come on so much, Its a pleasure to see and gives us all hope. We all have set backs but they will get less. Reading through the posting on this site you get the sense of how things improve. It will for us. But sadly it takes time. Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it's a better one. We are all meeting up tomorrow PM if you feel better ring me and I will give you the details. No pressure. If not tomorrow work towards monday. I have booked meal for next thursday 8.00. Something to aim towards. I have had a night off hubby put baby to bed and then again and again finally he went to sleep but not sure for just how long. I am going to have a bath and then to bed. Take care and try to be postive. Tina
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Post by MANDY on Feb 18, 2004 21:46:40 GMT
Hi Alison
Just a quick message to let you know we're thinking of you.
Don't fret about not going to the mum and baby group - you haven't let yourself down in any way. It doesn't have to be a weekly thing, just when you feel like it.
Of course, we missed you and your son but we know what its like. There's always next week if you feel like it.
Anyway, hope things are better for you tomorrow. Text if you want to.
Thinking of you.
Mandy XXX
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Post by AC on Feb 19, 2004 10:42:45 GMT
I am feeling a bit brighter today.Have'nt cried yet and i havent had the horrible panic feeling.
Thanks for everyones help yesterday,the kind words really made a difference.
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Post by Tina on Feb 20, 2004 20:53:33 GMT
Hi Alison,
It was nice to see you yesterday. It was a great afternoon. Hope you have had a good day today.
Take care and see you Monday.
Tina
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Post by AC on Feb 22, 2004 21:17:10 GMT
I have had quite a good day today,We went out as a family for lunch,then went to a lovely little spot by the sea to chill out,our son had a lovely sleep in the car,It was really nice. On the way home,me and my partner got talking about the PND etc.I was really surprised at how understanding he was,I told him how sometimes i felt so bad and that i really look forward to my evenings once our son has gone to bed etc.
I feel pretty good tonight.
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Post by Tina on Feb 22, 2004 21:51:09 GMT
Hi, Glad to hear you having a good day. I find the more you talk to your partner/husband, what ever, it helps. Sometimes they know more than we realise. They are to frightened to say anything because they are scared to upset us. My hubby has read everything we have done at the group and works through the 'homework' with me. At time he drives me mad but he has been my life line. He has read has much as I have on PND. He has and is still having counselling. We have even been together. This is not only my illness it's also his. He lives with the fall out from it! I know he doesn't know what goes on in my head, but he can try. If we don't open up to them how can they try and help. We tend to blame them for not understanding, but often we have never told them how we realy feel. Be that through shame or fear. Talking has helped and surprisingly he does doesn't think less of me for opening up, he seems to apprecate me more. Also it explains my behaviour. It surprised ,me to find out that it has been argued that men get a type of PND and someplaces even have telephone helpline for men to phone in and talk about their problems! I am glad you talked it helps me I hope it works for you. Take care see you tomorrow. Tina
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Post by AC on Feb 24, 2004 17:15:48 GMT
Im feeling a bit strange again today.I have had a really bad migraine most of the day,and i have actually had a migraine everyday for the past 2 weeks.Im wondering if it could be the Anti-D's.Does anyone else take Sertraline ?I take anadin extra and it does go,but returns quite quickly,and i feel like i am taking Anadin extra everyday.
My parents are also on holiday and will be for 2 weeks,i normally see them everyday and it is really horrible with them not being here.I feel quite lost.Yesterday was okay as i had my group to go to,but today i had nothing planned and the day has been very long and very lonely.I took the dog for a long walk this morning with my son in his pushchair,then i walked into town.But still the day has dragged.
There is plenty i could have done to keep me busy like The dreaded houseweork,but i just couldnt get motivated.My son is normally very good and can keep himself entertained really well,but today he seemed to want my attention more than usual.The guilt thing shows its face again,and while im playing ' cars ' with him on the floor,all i can think of is what i should be doing in the kitchen or elsewhere in the house.
I know i should treasure the time that i can have doing the play thing,but feel so guilty.
Tomorrow i hope should be okay,as i will force myself to go to the mum and baby group as long as the others go.If i have things planned i am usually okay.Untill the time comes and then i have terrible anxiety.
I am worried sick about going for the Medical next week.I just dont like being interogated.I really want to ask my CPN to go with me,but at the same time i dont want her to think that im being a wimp.Im just worried that they are going to say thati am not entitled to any more incapacity benefit,and that i should go out and get a job.
Which leads me on to my next worry..Work....I havent heard a thing from them for sometime,i dont know if i still have a job or if they have terminated my contract.And i know i should be brave and ring and find out,but i cant bring myself to do it.As soon as i pick up the phone ,i panic and put it down again.I miss my job so much,im almost scared of hearing what they will say.I still feel sure that maybe the pressure of work is still dragging me down,i wish i could split myself in two,Be at home and be the good mum to my son and also be back to work full time and be my old self.But i cant and one has to give,and i cant choose.Its easy for people to say that i could be a working mum,but for me,i cant do it while my son is so young.Maybe later on i will want to do that but right now i cant think of that as an option.
I can feel myself getting all panicky again,just thinking about it all.
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