one step at a time

[kb]

Oh i hate this teary feeling. I got teary last night because my mil texted to ask if s wanted to go to theirs and stay the night tonight, and do i know of any santa's grottos nearby. I'm pleased that she wants to see s, but I got upset because I wanted to take her to see santa for the first time, but i realise I can't because I'm at work. it seems like I have to try and find the balance and I don't think I've found it yet. I know most of this sadness is 'cos I'm coming to terms with the changes in being back at work full-time and really understanding what it means and also the stuff with my mum is not helping me to feel 'centred' and its also period week so I'm guessing that's not helping either. Oh i just want a cuddle. Being kind to myself is exactly what i need - i need to remember how though.

K

[kb]

on the plus side, s has been sleeping better the last couple of nights since we started covering the thermostat in her room with a sock! (it has a green and red light and I think she thought that meant it was getting up time when she woke up!)

[winegirl]

Hi KB

Sorry you are having a sad day, but you are right you need to be kind to yourself. I would pop round with a bottle of wine and some chocolate but don't think thats poss at this exact moment. You will definately find the balance soon. All working mothers must go through this and I too am concerned about the balance when I return to work full time in 2 weeks, I guess it just takes time to adjust.

Good news on the sleeping front though. Hope it keeps up! Chin up mate

Winegirl x

[kb]

Thanks winegirl!

Had a mixed weekend, was feeling stressed and anxious and in need of hugs most of the time. Thought i would be feeling better cos my period's finished, but I have to take it one day at a time I suppose. Am going to join the gym today and see if doing exercise helps me sleep better and feel better. I've not done any exercise since I got ill with pni and i think its time to get back to it because I did loads while I was pregnant and it made me feel great.

Mum's made a positive effort to get in touch (for the first time since August). She's invited S to go and make christmas biscuits for our christmas tree on Friday which is a nice idea. I'll still be at work so j will have to take s to my mum's but that should be ok.

Really not sure if I'm looking forward to Christmas or not, depends how I'm feeling I suppose.

One more step...

K

[winegirl]

Good on you joining the gym! My gp has suggested I excercise and I nearly fell off the chair laughing! I am a stone heavier post pregnancy but in a size 10 so didn't think I looked that bad! I know it has tons of other benefits tho - used to go to the gym three times a week and felt great, now if I walk up and down teh stairs too much im knackered! Plus I don't know where to get the time from.

Let us know how the whole excercise thing goes - you never know it might be inspiritaional!

I know what you eman about christmas, but I bet when it comes down to the big day you will love it! It's all the crap leading up to it that winds us all up!

Take Care of yourself

Winegirl x

[kb]

Well little by little I'm getting there, not felt so teary, and am managing to keep things in perspective. Even managed to order stuff from the butcher for Christmas today so that's a step towards making it happen!

Joined the gym and planned to go today, but am meeting my sister instead for coffee so I'll need to go on Friday instead. Haven't had my induction yet so I can only go for a swim, but its better than nothing.

S is being so sweet at the moment, she just keeps making me laugh. She was dancing about like an irish leprahaun (sp?) last night and it had me in fits. I think she must have just learned how to control her feet a bit more beyond basic walking, or they were dancing at nursery. It was just soooooo funny!
Nice to be able to see the lighter side of life again. Fingers crossed it stays!

K

[kb]

paranoia, paranoia, paranoia god i want it to go away but its coming back with avengance. i almost ran from teh station to the office this morning to get away from everyone, so noone could catch me and stab me with needles. i'm scared, really scared. i know that it wont really happen, but i'm convinced that someone somewhere will stab me with a hypodermic syringe and i can't get away from the thought. i guard my back , i keep checking over my shoulder to see if anyone is close enough to get me, i move out of queues, i can't stand close to strangers. i trust j but noone else. i want rid of these thoughts, they were getting less strong and less frequent, but yesterday and today they've been really strong and i'm not sure i can face leaving the office today and going out in the big world. tried to call j to talk to him about it, hear his calming voice, but he's not answering. am tempted to call the gp but there is nothing he can do. feeling very very very tearful and i just want it all to go away. i think its to do with having syntometrine in hospital after s was born, and my phobia of needles, as well as being raped, but that doesn't make it go away. i dont' feel safe.

[beverley]

Hi Kb,

Are you feeling any better? You seem to be having a bad blip today. I really hope it passes quickly. Any joy getting hold of J? I just want to come and rescue you and wrap you up in a snuggly blanket.

Sending you lots of love - we're all here for you if there's anything we can do
xxx

[kb]

Thanks la, managed to control my feelings a little bit and made it out of the office to go and get my hair cut. its so close I can see the salon from my office window, but I was in tears just thinking about going out. I spoke to J and he helped a little, told me I didn't have to go, but it was better to be brave and determined. There's noone here at work I can talk to and i'm sitting her with tears in my eyes. i'm organizing a big meeting and our christmas night out for today so i can't go home or i would just phone j and ask him to come and get me. i could phone my hr person but there's nothing she can do. i've phoned the gp but he doesn't have any space to talk to me today. if i had some diazepam with me i would take one, but they're at home because i haven't taken any for years (i was prescribed them to help with gynae examinations). i just don't know what to do. i wish the snuggly blanket was here la, i need those hugs.

little k

[cheshire]

Hi kb,

Been following your diary - sending you warm hugsxx

[kb]

Thanks hopeful

Feeling better today, just shattered from the strain of yesterday. Am calling the GP at 11 to see if there's anything he can do - I don't know if I can go through another day like yesterday, it was totally debilitating. I know its a reminder that I need to slow down and take care of me, but that's easier said than done. Am talking to HR about reducing my hours again in January, but doing a half day today then i'm on holiday (with less web access). I'll try to be kind to myself.

K

[winegirl]

Hi KB

Have been wanting to send you hugs since your blip the other day but damn keyboard has been broke - so sorry it's late but ((((())))))) hugs.
You are right in that you need to remember to take things easy - especially at this time of year when it is so easy to run yourself down. I hope today has been good for you and you are ready for christmas?
Look after yourself
Winegirl x

[kb]

Well the blip continues. Holidays were ok because I wasn't out much, and I feel safe with friends and family, so I didn't get too anxious, but I did cancel meeting a friend because I couldn't face going out. The anxiety happens almost all of the time when I'm out now and was also happening when I went to bed at night - not being able to sleep because I thought that people were going to stab me with needles in the night. GP gave me sleeping tablets to take on Friday and keep taking for 4-5 night so tonight will be the last night of those. They are helping me sleep better and I'm feeling more rational if I do wake up in the night so I get less scared and am able to go back to sleep. I'm still knackered though. GP is also chasing psychology to try and get me my appointment, but in the meantime is suggesting trying to do things to break the thought patterns. He suggested phoning someone when I get bad thoughts, but then I would always be on the phone when I'm out. We also talked about listening to music, but I tried that today and it doesn't really work because I can't hear people around me so well, so I become more paranoid that there are people behind me and end up looking over my shoulder even more. I hate feeling like this because i don't know how to make it go away. Its also putting loads of strain on J. He says he feels totally responsible and like I'm putting loads onto him. He's not blaming me, its just how he feels. We had a very heated discussion the other day and I ended up saying to him that him and S should go to his parents for a month and leave me to cope on my own - it would make things easier for them and mean I wasn't so much trouble for them. I can't be thinking straight because that isn't really a sensible suggestion and he was really really hurt when I said it, but I can't see any other way to stop me being a burden on him.

I'm back at work today and so far I'm the only one in the office and trying to get myself motivated is really hard. I could just curl up under my desk and sleep, but I don't think they pay me for that.

I also need to decide what to do about my working hours, the doctor wasn't sure what would be the right thing to do because he says its impossible to tell what the cause of this blip is. Wish I knew too.

K

[kb]

Feeling a bit better today. I think that the sleeping pills are helping me to be less tired and cope better during the day. I've also been trying to imagine that I have a shield around my body so that when I go out i'm untouchable. It might sound crazy, but I do think its making me calmer. I'm also taking Bach Rescue Remedy before I go out in case that helps. Have asked HR if I can talk to occupational health again about my hours so we'll see what they say. There is no real right answer. J says I don't need to reduce my hours, because that will only make me work harder, he says I need to work less while I'm at work, but that's a lot harder to do. Am seeing the GP again tomorrow too. Am supposed to have stopped the sleeping tablets last night, but am tempted to take the last ones tonight so that I'm stopping at the weekend not when I have to go to work.

Every contact i have with mum is stressing me out, which is difficult, but I do need to learn how to cope with it.

On the plus side I went swimming yesterday at the gym and it was really calming. I now just need to stop eating so much, but that's easier said than done.

K

[kb]

Feeling really teary and small this morning. I didn't sleep well, wasn't having scary thoughts, I just kept waking up and i just wanted to stay at home today and hide again. I'm feeling more paranoid again (which makes me realise I was a bit better yesterday). Am supposed to be going for gym induction at 9am and i really don't know if i want to or not. If i do go it might make me feel better, but I just don't know if i want to or not. I have to leave at quarter to nine so I have to decide soon. I just feel floppy and a bit light headed and i'm not sure that pretending to feel positive at the gym will do me any good at all, but then if I don't go I might feel worse and I do really want to spend time getting fitter and healthier as part of looking after myself. I used to be able to make decisions, but I can't anymore. I'm dreading the day at work because I just can't be doing with pretending that everythings ok when its not. Am seeing the gp at the end of the day today so fingers crossed he might have managed to chase the psychologist although I somehow doubt it because there just aren't enough psychologists around.

wish I could find some positive energy from somewhere. i'll go and see if there's some in the gym.

K