Siany's diary

[moosie]

hi i know what you mean about asking for counselling. i've wanted to ask for ages and when i finally did i was told i'd have to wait months! great! oh well hopefully you'll have more luck! it was this that made me have a look at web sites about pni and i discovered this one, reading everyones posts on here feels like counselling and has really helped and i only registered a few days ago! wish i had discovered this when i was going through hell, thankfully i think i'm on the mend although i seem to be having a slight blip at the moment!

[kl77]

Hi you
Just barging in your diary yet again.
Re counselling I don't know if it's different in Wales but where I am we have an organisation called MIND where you can actually ring and request the counselling yourself. It might be worth looking in to so you don't have to ask your GP if you don't feel comfortable.
I was given the number by my GP but rang myself and should be going in 4-5 weeks. I'm hoping like you that it will encourage me to open up because as yet I am holding a lot back.
Glad work was good for you and keep remembering the up days.
Hope tomorrow is a good day
Kirsty x

[sianyc]

I was pretty useless in work today but didn't really care. I felt a bit better this morning - more connected - as I had no trouble getting to sleep last night and slept right through to my alarm going off.

The boss and some of the more senior staff are off this week so it is relaxed in the office and no-one is doing very much.

I've been smoking again which is really not good. I've only had a few when I can feel myself stressing but I can't can't can't start again. Even typing this I want one.

When I got home, the girls were both in good moods and os was G. We had a nice dinner all together and then a good bath time. I was taking the eldest to bed thinking that I hadn't enjoyed the 'witching hour' of dinner bath and bed for months, but I actually enjoyed them both this evening. It was nice to enjoy them rather than count the minutes until they're safely out of my hair and in bed

[sianyc]

I've had a few days where I just could not be bothered to do anything. G has done everything. Cooking, cleaning, ironing. He hasn't even complained.

I've managed to tidy up and keep on top of the washing and I've done little things like the steriliser and paying bills.

Reading this back it's obvious now how much better I am than 6 months ago. Then even the smallest tasks felt like a huge effort and what I now think of as a relaxing day would have been stressful and too 'full' of things needing to be done.

I registered with APNI for a counsellor as I liked the idea of e-mail contact with her. I'm going back to the GP next week too for more anti-d's and a chat about how everything is going. I think I'll ask for a referral to a counsellor then as I am gradually getting better at talking about my thoughts and feelings

[notnutz]

Hi hope u don't mind me crashing your diary... just wanted to say that I hope you do manage to ask for a referral to a counsellor next time u at your gp and that i think it's great you've registered for an APNI counsellor - very positive steps!!!

You go girl!

b

[sianyc]

I have been feeling quite proactive this week, like it's time for me to really try and get better instead of just waiting for it to happen. I think the increase in anti-d's has kick started me.

G and I argued again last night though. He is going for promotion and has a placement for the next 3 weeks to get some practical experience before his interview. He usually has the girls on a Tuesday but seems to think that if they ask him to work next Tuesday then he can do it and I'll just sort out what'll happen with the girls. He makes me want to scream. He's perfectly happy to look after them until it might encroach on something else and then it's ultimately my responsibility. I work too!!! I pretty much exploded to be honest and told him tough bloody luck and he'd have to sort it out like I have to. He said he would already have this promotion if he didn't always put us first. He then listed all the things he does for 'me' which have interfered with promotion prospects. I told him if we were holding him back that much then he should just leave and concentrate on his sodding career. Grrrr. I'm still fuming as you can probably tell. He has since apologised and said he was just biting back and didn't mean it. It's the only thing I can think about though. It's going around and around in my head and I'm getting angrier and angrier

If he hates helping me then why is he doing it. I feel like I'd prefer to do it on my own than have the help and support and just have it thrown in my face whenever we argue. Am I supposed to be grateful for him looking after his own children. Should I be thankful he helps in the morning before he goes to work.

I can see that he does a lot in the house, often more than a fair share of housework. But, I tidy up every day, do the washing, work 30 hours a week, look after the kids, do most of the ironing, all of the cooking for the kids and always clean upstairs (although infrequently!) What does he want from me? If I do anymore I'll fall right back down again. I'm already at my limit what with work and exams and the kids. I could quite happily go to bed at 8pm without dinner cos I'm so tired.

It's like he's starting to lose patience with me being ill. I'm sure he thinks I should be better by now. He was happy to do loads but thought it would be over by now and not be a long term arrangement

God I want a ciggy and a child free day

[mollyrose]

hi sorry to hear you had a fall out with G but it is good that your anti deps are kicking in, sometimes it is good to have agood argument to get all those emotions and feelings out it sounds like he does care a lot i think it must be difficuit for partners they are so used to us being the strong one , please dont worry or think too much into what he said , take care, love becs

[kl77]

Just thought - read back on your first entry and remember what a lovely day you had together, just the 2 of you!
Think that's the best thing about these diarys- you can't escape how you felt when things were good x

[sianyc]

I haven't been on for a few days and it was like being cut off! This is gonna be a long one

I thought we had a problem with the broadband and just could not be bothered to call NTL to sort it out. When I looked this morning, my oldest little monster had unplugged the modem. Ggrrrr

I've been a bit up and down over the last week. More up than down though so that's something to be positive about.

I got back in touch with a friend this week and have met up with our kids for softplay and copious amounts of tea. I had pretty much cut off all but one of my close friends due to the PNI and being paranoid that they didn't really like me. I have begun to think that it is me that had the problem. I mean, logically, how could all my friends suddenly go off me?! I've made a real effort and even set up another tea/softplay visit for next week. I'm quite proud of myself. Just another 3 to go and I'll be back to where I started!!!

We've been out again. For a meal with my sister and her boyfriend last night. We had my mum to babysit (she offered) and were back by 10 but it was a really nice evening. Just laughing and joking and chatting - -very easy and a lot of fun. G has organised a night out with some of his friends for us both next weekend and I've bribed my cousin with a chinese to babysit for us. All inall my social life is starting to improve and that makes me feel much more normal and 'me' again.

The fact that we sold our house yesterday is having a great effect on my mood today as well. First time buyers and only 1500 under the asking price. The move is going to wipe out our credit card and loan debt and leave us with a bigger house. I didn't think I was letting the sale or rather lack of it, to get to me, but it was a huge relief to have the offer in.

I went back to the doctor today but as G is doing a placement about 25 miles away I had to take the girls with me. I just couldn't bring myself to stay there long enough to ask for counselling though. I'm gonna see how it goes with the APNI counsellor and go from there.

I've noticed lately that my feelings for the girls are starting to come back. I have always known that I love them because I remember it from before I got ill. It was like the PNI was blocking that somehow and I just couldn't sum up the emotion to feel anything much for them. I have caught myself laughing with them and teasing them, treating them when we're out and actually taking them out instead of wishing the days away until G gets home from work or I can go to work. They are nowhere close to angels and the eldest can be a real 'challenge' but I haven't lost my temper very much recently and can deal with them much more calmly enjoy them.

It's only a week until PMT kicks in with a vengeance so I daresay that my posts next week won't be nearly as rosy. ;D

[kl77]

Hi Sian
Congratulations on the house sale!
So glad things are going ok with G and your social life is getting back on track, so nice to feel like yourself isn't it?
Well done getting in touch with an old friend and rearranging to meet, must admit I suffer from the paranoia too, even relating to family which is half the reason I haven't told them.
You must feel so fantastic since your feelings for the girls are returning!
Have a fabulous weekend
Kirsty X

[sianyc]

Well I didn't even get PMT this month. I'm in shock. I've got a sneaky day off work tomorrow so we're all going swimming and then to softplay in the afternoon.

I've been 'up' for a while now and am still expecting to wake up and be thrown into a bad day. I've been having the odd ciggy though which I really shouldn't do. God knows what it's going to be like stopping again. I'm trying not to think about it!

I've been getting the odd horrible thought but that's nothing like it was before the anti-d increase to 15mg.

Tired tonight so can't quite be bothered to type. Plus that's all I've done today

[sianyc]

We had a really good day today. It was my turn for a lie in and I slept until about 9.30. I got up, we all got ready and went swimming. C is usually quite scared of the water even though we've taken her since she very little. Today though, she had her barbie armbands on and was loving it. We went to a pool that has little baby slides and things for little ones to climb on and a wave machine.

G took both the girls to softplay this afternoon so I could get some work done.

G had cleaned before I got up so all I've done today is 1 load of washing and cooked dinner (which was 2 minute pasta and a jar of sauce - I am the Queen of quick dinners!). I've fitted in a grocery shop online this evening too.

G is off to the gym tonight as I've got yet more work to finish off. I feel on top of things at the moment though. It's hard not to take more stuff on because I feel like I could do it. But then I've found out before that if I do push it, I start to go to pieces. I'm doing well on my course and so the learning in the night thing is not as much of a bind as I thought it would be. It's something for me and it's nothing to do with PNI and takes my mind off it all.

Online shopping has given us some more time at home which I'm glad to say G is using to help with cleaning etc or taking the girls out so I get an hour to myself or to quickly blitz the downstairs

My mind is racing a bit - like I've had too much caffeine or red bull or something. I think I'll take it easy tomorrow and let myself wind down a bit as the last 2 days have been a bit 'full'. I'm off to my gran's as usual for a wednesday which is always lovely. We just eat lunch and drink tea and chat and play with the kids. It's a chance for me to do nothing which I often have to force myself to do

[yoyo]

Well done So good to hear you're doing so well today - hang on to this feeling - it'll be permanent one day

Glad you wrote that - it;s cheered me up too, knowing that things get better xxxxxx

[kl77]

I'm so glad you have enjoyed your day, precious family time x

G sounds to be being helpful at the moment, it feels so much easier and less pressured doesn't it?

Good luck with the studying and enjoy your 'relaxing' day tomorrow

KL X

[monica]

Hi

Just reading a few of your past posts and glad you're sounding perky and more 'yourself'. Enjoy. Hopefully, you're firmly on the road to recovery!

Monica